One of Me

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Image from https://pasterski.com/2018/10/internal-family-systems-meet-your-inner-family/

This is a continuation of what I began writing about years ago after reading and listening to Richard Schwartz Ph.D. No Bad Parts aka Internal Family Systems. I liked learning that no matter how many parts of me there are, none of them are bad… not even the angry, judgemental ones. I have to get to know who they are and love them instead of doing what I have always done… push them away. I have also learned that everyone has parts.

To refresh your memory (and mine), I fell into a depressive episode for about six months when I got sick in June resulting in three weeks of isolation while I holed up in my bedroom in bed. Multiple voices in my head surfaced, competing for my attention at the same time. Some of these voices were angry, sad, lonely, and scared. I learned from that experience that I needed a bench sofa I could rest and nap on in my living room and only use the bedroom at night. I found one that works on Amazon.

At the end of 2006, I had moved to Texas and then got stuck here on my own. Abandonment issues magnified, and it took over five years to find a home, people, and groups I was comfortable being involved with. Holidays are the worst. I get homesick. Just as I was recovering from being sick, Thanksgiving and Christmas floated in. I felt left out of all the holiday gatherings I saw other people enjoying.

If you're reading this and were one of the people who showed up at my door or called me, thank you!

I gave up trying to make sense of the terminology for IFS (Internal Family Systems) that includes exiles, protectors, managers, etc. and in a fit of frustration, demanded these ‘parts’ get out of my head and sit on other chairs in my apartment. When I felt them all inside my head creating chaos and despair (like the picture on top), I began to tell them to go sit down where I can see them and listen to what they need to say. Somehow it worked, and I no longer felt like I would go insane with numerous voices inside my head. After describing this to one of my younger sisters, she suggested I write a blog post on the topic.

I like the term One of Me. It describes the detachment I feel when one part of me is functioning and the other parts are not.

One of Me is a workaholic. I used to work full-time jobs plus take college classes, eventually obtaining a Bachelor's Degree in Management Information Systems. Working and studying was my medicine (when I wasn't taking the pharmaceutical kind)... a distraction from the emotions and feelings I couldn't deal with. Post-disability, as long as I had projects to work on, I was okay. You can say I am addicted to distractions.

One of Me is a lonely, abandoned, traumatized, scared child… afraid of the outside world… afraid of the unknown. She looks at people on Facebook who are having fun with their families… even traveling to be with them… and doing activities she can no longer do… like hiking and exploring. She sits down and cries inside because she is grieving for the family she no longer has even though her siblings live in other states. She also grieves for places she can no longer go. Isolation is painful. How did she survive all these years?

Indeed, One of Me is a survivor. Despite all the traumatic experiences, she is still here. Still breathing. The Divine has been by her side making sure she has her basic needs… food, shelter, transportation… even when she detached (disassociated) and couldn't feel the support.

One of Me is a dreamer. She used to dream of a future that includes fame with writing and music... and traveling in a nice RV.  Is it still possible? I don't know. I am older now.

One of Me experiences chronic conditions such as adrenal fatigue and spondylolisthesis and needs someone to take care of her and help with chores. Community Attendant Services didn’t work out, so she is on her own again. At least the Divine brought a Mobility Scooter and a van with a lift.

One of Me is an educated adult who knows what to do for the other one. She tells her to lie down and rest as much as she needs to and just tackle one thing at a time. Nothing is permanent, not even fatigue. Since fatigue usually partners with depression, reassure her that it is temporary. She usually begins feeling better in the afternoon.

One of Me is a compassionate adult who listens to other people when they call or come to her with their concerns. She is also an empath and can't always release the emotions she absorbs from others. She has to learn to differentiate what is hers from what is others and clear the others out. Towards the end of this last depressive episode, it occurred to me that I can listen to the other One of Me's the same way I listen to other humans... with a sense of detachment.

YouTube is smart and suggests videos to you based on everything else you have been watching, reading, writing, purchasing, and listening to. I opened the YouTube app one day and found the audiobook Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant. Then I purchased the book. 

On another day, I found an interview with Bruce Lipton on his Biology of Belief. Bruce said to incorporate the affirmations into your subconscious, listen to them as you go to sleep. I created a playlist for Sleep with two "I love myself" videos so it would stop after the second one. I am usually awake during the first one and fall asleep as the second one plays.

YouTube also suggested Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention audiobook which I listened to twice. Perhaps YouTube talks to Amazon and knows I had purchased the book. “I intend to feel good. I intend to feel happy. I intend to choose thoughts that make me feel good. There is a solution to every problem." I rewrote my personal affirmation list to include these and to read throughout the day.

I found two Wednesday night online support groups through Mile Hi Church in Colorado: Transcending Trauma and Heart, Mind, Spirit Recovery. (The ministers at that church were originally in Huntington Beach, California when I lived there.) Trauma meets the first Wednesday, Recovery every Wednesday. While Recovery is mainly for alcoholics and drug addicts, I qualify because I took strong pharmaceutical drugs for close to 15 years. Besides, I am addicted to sugar which is known to be as addicting as cocaine. What do I want the most when I feel depressed? Sugar! I know what it feels like to want it even though I know it isn't good for me. It feeds candida which is not my friend. I do my best to avoid gatherings that serve sweets. Wish they would serve organic fruit instead.

Back to Transcending Trauma. The facilitator told us grief gets mixed in with trauma. I could think of a whole list of things I’ve been grieving about. Loss of childhood, loss of my siblings as I knew them, loss of my parents, loss of homes, loss of relationships and marriages which turned out to be dysfunctionally matched with me as the empath and them as narcissists and energy vampires, loss of possessions when I had to walk away from everything, loss of all the foods I discovered I had sensitivities to and had toxins such as glyphosates, loss of the social circles that serve these foods. 

Grief changes you. You don't ever go back to what used to be normal. No wonder I feel detached and disassociated. Instead of clinging to what used to be, I have to completely let go. I have to incorporate my Sky-Diving principle. Yes, there is fear in the unknown, but trust that I will land safely. I found a few groups on Facebook and Instagram on the topic of grieving which have been helpful. They say that eventually, you figure out a new way to exist. Fortunately, I can use the search on my blog to find topics I wrote about in the past but have no memory of.

Well, One of Me writes songs and strums an acoustic folk guitar. A song titled Wrong Planet began to emerge, describing my challenges as simply being on the wrong planet. I began to hum it when I go into the outside world or even think about going out there, and it feels comforting. 

The lyrics to Wrong Planet 

I’m visiting from another planet, observing earthling ways.
My ship left without me – said they’d return for me someday.
I have trouble fitting in with people in this place.
How do I explain that my ship got lost in space?

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – can’t keep up with the trends.
I need someplace to belong because earth isn’t it.
I look around this strange land where I don’t seem to fit.

I feel complex and complicated, fractured and duplicated.
How did I end up here in this place that’s overrated?
Show me love; show me grace; be kindness in this place.
My heart cries for the sadness that invades the human race.

My mind is like a mansion – it has a lot of rooms.
Let’s take a tour together to find our way out of this gloom.
It’s part of a life lesson… I’m writing a new theme.
Where will it lead me… just nothing too extreme.

There are ripples in the water, life is never still –
and neither are emotions that tumble down the hills.
I emptied out my closet, but I wish I could empty out my mind.
Boxes all shapes and sizes are filled with memories of every kind.

Courage, I know you’re somewhere; I’m searching for a dose.
I’m on the outside looking in, but I can feel you somewhere close.
I feel like a dreamer – can you read between the lines?
I’m a mysterious collection of rhythms and rhymes.

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.

Copyright © 2022 Renee Alter

Ripples

Ripples in the YMCA pool.

There's a lot going on in my life and in the world that has dragged me down into a depressive mood. However, just when I think I have hit bottom, all the right words show up again to lift me out of the hole I tend to fall into. 

Grief is one of the ingredients. I got attached to two different people who did not stay in my life. Only the gifts they brought did. One of the gifts those two people gave me was doses of fun and play. When they left, it activated attachment wounds and unhealed abandonment. On June 20, I made a list of all the ages I suffered from these wounds in rhyme to process what I was feeling and titled it Parts of Me. (Based on IFS-Internal Family Systems.) The last four lines came as a surprise. 

She’s the age she is and every age she ever was - all parts of her identity.

Looking for purpose in all the experiences, feeling like an unsolved mystery.

Should anyone like to be a detective and peel all the layers away,

You might just find a five-year-old who just wants to go out and play.

Sadness is another ingredient. I caught glimpses of human rights being stripped away. Vaccine mandates, another school shooting, Roe vs Wade. I read somewhere a simple solution for birth control is to give all males vasectomies which are reversible. There seems to be both pros and cons to every solution. I feel the disharmony in the world caused by the conflicts. Being an empath is no fun.

Fatigue is another ingredient. My whole body aches when I am fatigued. I've been doing a lot more on my own without help with daily chores. I drove an hour each way to go to an event last night with 400 in attendance. Double whammy. The drive and the emotions/feelings of 400 people. I remind myself that fatigue has always contributed to depression.

Loneliness. On June 23, one of my sisters sent me a link to a Ross Rosenberg video. I learned the term Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs Codependency. That definitely explains things with the added hope of achieving Self-Love Abundance. I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It's part of being an introvert. Here's more information: 

https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/self-love-deficit-disorder

This morning, I got up to use the bathroom, put food out for the colony of feral cats I feed, swallowed a serving of PerfectAmino with a glass of water, and went back to bed.

I remembered that nothing in life is permanent. Maybe if I stay in bed for a while, the mood will pass. I remember from various things I've listened to that it is better to climb into the dark places and acknowledge them than to avoid them. If you climb into them, you'll be able to get through them much quicker.

Michael Beckwith in his book Life Visioning stresses the importance of meditation, including staying with and observing all of what I mentioned above.

One of many of Donna Eden's energy medicine routines is placing one hand over your forehead with your thumb and fingertips on opposite sides of your temples and your other hand over your solar plexus. I did this with the intention of sending love to my inner child(ren). I was surprised by what happened.

I saw downtown Los Angeles which became symbolic of my grief, sadness, and fatigue. I used to live in Orange County, CA. During the week I worked as an administrative assistant in a 14-story building (surrounded by people but felt alone). On many weekends, I drove to one of two canyons - Silverado or Modjeska, a beautiful drive. Silverado had a small library I enjoyed going to, and Modjeska had a small wildlife sanctuary. With this visualization, I felt my mood shift, and I climbed out of bed.

Next, I saw an email by Living WELL Aware with the link to the website. I almost deleted it, but then thought it might be related to what I was dealing with. And it was! Even Dr. Sulak was experiencing something similar. 

Does it appear that we can have two identities? There’s the one that is optimistic, at peace, full of joy, compassionate. ... We are in our RIGHT Brain, sometimes referred to as our Sage/Inner Spirit. That part of our brain that is present to the moment, in tune with our senses. But how often do we find ourselves in the “other” world: pessimistic, discouraged, negative, living in blame and shame, feeling inadequate? Our LEFT Brain, our survival brain, is running the show, looking for what is wrong, recalling negatives of the past or worried about the future.

https://livingwellaware.gabbarthost.com/343956_2

Next, I listened to today's Mile Hi Church service on YouTube. When it ended, it rolled over into the previous week's service. Rev. Michelle Medrano's sermon included what her childhood was like, believing she had to suppress her feelings and emotions... just like I had. I listened to it again. It is titled Atlas of the Heart, based on the book written by Brene Brown. I would really like to take the course they are offering in July on The Inner Childhood Journey, but it is being held in Colorado.

https://youtu.be/egBU-VfwWBg

You may be wondering why I included the photo of ripples in the water. It reminds me that life is ever-changing, ever-moving. The ideal mindset is to strive not to get attached to any one thing such as joy or pain because one moment they are here and the next they have moved on. That without contrast, we wouldn't experience the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. So much to digest. So much to process. I crave the peace that these teachers have. One step at a time. One wave at a time.

6-30-22 Update:

Amazingly, Wednesday night's Heart-Mind-Soul Recovery group topic was Creative Power. We get two questions to answer. 

1. Where might you change your thinking in order to create a new reality?

2. Think of your creative power as a pebble tossed in the water, creating ripples. What would those ripples create?

Ripples!!! How eery!

In group, we go around with each person speaking for about two minutes. What did everyone talk about? The very topic of this blog post. I was amazed. And I also wondered... how much of what I am experiencing is mine and how much is everyone around the planet?

Angel

Years ago, I found this ceramic angel at a thrift store. When I moved to my next apartment, one of her wings broke off. I tried to glue it back on, but it wouldn't hold. I broke off the other one and sadly threw both of them away.

In the meantime, I was dealing with upper back pain. One day, when I was looking at my angel, I began to wonder if I had wings that were torn off.

Throughout my life, I have suffered numerous incidents of trauma. Eventually, when I was introduced to Facebook, I discovered a LOT of people have. And many of these people, including Teal Swan, were traveling the world helping other people recover from these experiences. Dolores Cannon became another person I listened to... about being a volunteer.

My question to you is if you realized you were an angel who came to earth to help other people, especially the ones who believed they were unlovable and unworthy, knowing you'd have a difficult assignment, knowing that your heart would be broken numerous times, would this change the outlook and perspective of your experiences?

It did mine. 

You see, I found myself wallowing in self-pity about being rejected (abandoned) again - a repetitive pattern throughout my life. A metal fabricator had moved into my apartment complex and began what appeared to me as making up excuses to come over and visit me, then stay for several hours. He'd always tell me if I needed help with anything to let him know. 

At the next social event, I casually mentioned I think I am an angel and that my wings were torn off, so I needed new wings (hoping he would make some for me). I expected him to shrug this off as being silly, but instead, he told me to look up Willy Nelson's song, Angel Flying Too Close To the Ground. I added it to Watch Later on YouTube.

When I watched it the following day, I cried. If this song was the only reason I was to meet him, it is enough.

https://youtu.be/C3PB1jWO3_E

I then read some comments under the YouTube video. Apparently, it also has meaning to those who have lost loved ones to death. 

I thought about the people I know who lost loved ones.

I thought about the parts of me that had died. Can I learn to heal my own wings?

I thought about all the times I was hurt and abandoned, and how much I lost as a result of broken love affairs, including most of my belongings. I didn't understand why the men who weaved their way into my life seduced me and disappeared. 

I went to work revisiting the traumas I had stuffed down and built a brick wall around. A program related to my situation, facilitated by Sheleana Aiyana, Spiritual Counsellor and Founder of Rising Woman, appeared in my Facebook feed. Because it was affordable, I signed up for it. Shay described my entire life just in the introduction. 

Then I consulted with Ambika who did a ThetaHealing session on me, after telling me my organ of resonation is my spleen - that I attract men who have been abandoned. No wonder. She cleared out some old programming and replaced it with new 'designer software.' She also recommended the book Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northup, M.D. where I discovered why I got involved with the men of my past - both energy vampires and narcissists. Just like Shay of Rising Woman, Christiane described my entire life as well. Even as a successful surgeon, she dealt with the same issue. It appears this situation is a common one.

Naive empaths such as myself want to believe in the good of everyone and the potential of a person vs who they actually are. With our big hearts and compassion, we overlook the 'red flags' and get sucked into abusive life-sucking relationships - with both males and females - and not just romantic ones. Energy vampires can 'smell' us from a mile away. These relationships can leave us with symptoms of chronic pain and autoimmune illnesses, both of which I endured. Fortunately for me, I didn't stay in any of the romantic ones for more than four years. I didn't stay in employments with one for more than a year.

There are many related programs popping up for me to look at now. In my pursuit of self-development, I want to do ALL of them, but this isn't realistic. Instead, I am dreaming of meeting a trauma-informed psychologist who will open a Transformational Recovery Center (a name I made up) I can co-run with them, and get access to all the different therapies that we invite in as well as support groups and fundraisers, like concerts, to cover the cost for those who can't pay.

Dreaming big!

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

 

This last week, I've been listening to AVAIYA University's Overcoming Childhood Trauma series with 35 trauma experts and therapists. I identified with the parts concept. I also found a video by Teal Swan on the topic of Loneliness - caused by rejecting the parts of ourselves we didn't want anything to do with like fear, shame, anger, rage, and more. We lock them away.

On page 36 of a book I started to read (for the second time), God is a Verb: Kabbalah and the Practice of Mystical Judaism, Rabbi David Cooper wrote:

"Assuming each individual is a composit of many subpersonalities, each time we express a part of ourselves in reality as we know it, our counterpart is being activated in other realities. The lover is there, the conniver, the little child, the judge, our inner strengths, and our inner weaknesses." 

Subpersonalities - another term for parts. 

I read The Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions by Dr. Bradley Nelson and downloaded their free pdf file which includes charts so I can experiment with this method on myself. It involves using muscle testing which I am already familiar with. I have been doing the 5-minute sequence of Eden Medicine exercises. I read Soul Mind Body Medicine by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha, and he includes a divine numbering system. Louise Swartswalter, one of the speakers in the trauma series, offers what appears to be a combination of these, and it seems that many of the trauma therapists have created unique methods by pulling from a variety of what already exists.

Meanwhile, I ordered the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz, PhD and put several other books on my Amazon Wishlist. I received Schwartz's book today.

Then I entered parts in the search bar of my blog. In 2019, I wrote Parts: Internal Family Systems.

I don't know if it is possible for me to remember what I've processed, listened to, read, and wrote about in past years. I love having the search option in my blog and book files to find out. I'm sure I must have the following information filed somewhere in the supercomputer of my brain.

As far back as being in the womb, we can become terrified of dying if our core survival needs are not met. I've known for a number of years now that I have issues with abandonment. Now I know the extreme of abandonment is, 

"I will die if I am left alone to fend for myself."

Some parents have adopted the style of teaching babies to self-soothe - alone. They need to sleep. They have to get up in the morning to go to work. Imagine you are the baby left alone in a crib without the skills to get a drink if you are thirsty or to be held when you're scared.

"I will die if I am left alone."

Instead of self-soothing, you scream louder. You get yourself worked up until your inner survival instincts take over, and you disconnect.

Our defense mechanisms allow us to disconnect from those emotions, but they become embedded in our body. They get filed away into subpersonalities. They affect our immune system. They affect our temperament. We suffer from PTSD every time a situation arises that reminds us of those terrifying moments. 

"I will die if I am left alone." 

We can become terrified of our mother's fears. We bring these fears into our DNA from previous generations.

And then we wonder why people, including ourselves, have meltdowns. 

"I don't feel safe right now. I'm going to die. Since I'm going to die, I'll kill you first - with words, with my fist, with my gun."

Get a group of people together who don't feel safe and wars break out like the one right now between Russia and Ukraine.

It doesn't matter how good your home life was, you will still be affected by this fear. 

The bad news is no one escapes being traumatized. The good news is, there are tools you can learn to deal with it. I am thirsty to learn what these tools are. 

There are numerous ways to tap into the 'parts' of ourselves that were scarred by the trauma we endured and find a sense of safety. A kitchen sink soup full. Information overload full. 

Now I will read a few more books.

Forgiveness

Just after I completed writing My Quest for Healing, I invited the next portal of my development to open. What appeared was the topic of forgiveness. A chain of synchronicity occurred.

My youngest sister contacted us about getting all the reels of childhood home movies digitized by iMemories. Divine timing. I felt certain that watching myself as a child would be healing.

The videos were finally ready for viewing. I watched us laughing and having fun. I couldn't identify with the little me. Either I am a completely different person now or I compartmentalized all those memories, choosing to hold onto the traumatic ones.

Wisdom and knowledge tell me this is a normal response to survival. We, as humans, are hard-wired to survive, therefore we will hold onto the parts we need in order to survive. We had to remain alert to the possibility of danger - in case it struck again.

But I am watching cute, happy children. We clowned around while washing the VW bus that transported the eight of us, throwing fall leaves from a huge pile at each other, playing at the beach during the summer, shoveling snow, and throwing snow. Perhaps after watching them again, I'll be able to override the survival memories with these.

Then I got a phone call from Ivery, the Jewish Nigerian woman I produced a book for back in 2019. We hadn't talked to each other in about two years. After the introductory conversation, she asked me what books I am reading. I told her I am reading Becoming an Empowered Empath, which suggests my lower chakras may be closed. She said it is about forgiveness, did a forgiveness prayer with me, and recommended additional books to read. I found two of them used for about a dollar on Amazon and ordered them. Lead Me, Holy Spirit by Storme Omartian and Soul, Mind, Body Medicine by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha. She also suggested that I write healing words on the outside of the bottle of water I drink from, infusing the water with the power of healing just like Dr. Emoto recommended. In a small world, she had personally visited his lab during her travels.

The next chapter I read in Becoming an Empowered Empath was about forgiveness. I even wrote a chapter on forgiveness in my book. I also read about forgiveness in Mitch Albom’s book Have a Little Faith and The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu.

Dr. James Mercer is running for Justice of the Peace in my town and has been in social media posts, along with his best-selling book, Secrets & Shame. I found it at my local library and read it within 48 hours. The only reason I was able to read about his horrific childhood is because he is smiling in every photo I've seen of him on social media. He owns three funeral homes, Lonestar Social Services, and is running for office. As I read his book, I felt gripped at the edge of my seat, wanting to know how he got from where he was to where he is now. Forgiveness. I contacted him and plan to meet him in person soon. I want to talk to him about his process of forgiveness that enabled him to let go of his past to get to where he is now. I think about how he was able to push through the abuse he endured to focus on protecting and taking care of his mother and younger siblings. A true warrior. He is Jewish and had a female rabbi as a mentor.

With that in mind and what Ivery had been telling me, I felt drawn to pull Rabbi David Cooper's book God is a Verb off my shelf and open it to a random page. Then I went to the index to look for the word forgiveness. There were several sections on the topic plus a number of guided meditations, including one for archangels. I read, once again, that the Reiki prayer was the traditional Jewish bedtime prayer. I had written it down on an index card for Reiki but moved it to the basket by my pillow to read at night before bed.

In addition to forgiveness, I thought about finding a new friend. Yesterday, I called a woman I had never met about the cats she got TNRd (trapped-neutered-released) to ask about which records she still needed. We ended up in a 100-minute conversation. I think I just found this new friend! Both of our middle names are Sue. She mentioned she grew up on the East coast which turned out to be the next state over from where I grew up. Then she mentioned moving to California, which turned out to be the next city over from where I lived. We have similar health challenges. We're close in age. They live on her husband's disability. I knew about resources she didn't know about. She moved here per her son's recommendation. So did I. We discovered we had similar beliefs on many topics and had similar experiences feeling like we don't belong here as, for the most part, people here are mostly white, the same religion, and set in their ways. As I listened to her talk, I was able to share everything I have since discovered and the people I've met who do align with our beliefs. I left her encouraged, and I'm sure we'll be visiting again soon. I plan to connect her to some of the people and resources I told her about. I love being a connector. And I hope I provided some energy of forgiveness to some of her bitter ones.

This morning, in Reiki meditation (was doing Reiki on myself), I visualized us 50+ trillion cells letting go of trauma memories and being infused with courage and unconditional love. After all, 'we' have a brand new body. It's just memories that hold us back. By the end of my Reiki session, in a racing mind episode, a lifetime of memories flooded into my consciousness, including experiences, books I read, books I wrote, conversations I had with people and my spiritual committee, and the numerous things I have listened to - just like the sewer that backed up into my bathtub one day.

Them: "Hello! We're still here! We just want a little attention, that's all. Just a little attention. Then you can rinse us all away, sterilize with bleach, and have a clean tub again. You're the one who thinks we are made of glue, but we are the consistency of fluid - just passing through to say hello."

Me: "Must you all come at the same time?"

Them: "We are not made of glue, but we like to stick together."

I remembered the woman I met who called herself Seven telling me Jesus died on the cross for us, it isn't my job. Now there is a woman who calls herself Ivery telling me I still have to work on forgiveness. Both are courageous, powerful females. I think Seven is Nigerian, too. Both have Shamanic insight.

Ivery got me thinking about all the books I had read that included the topic of forgiveness. Mitch Albom's book Have a Little Faith. Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu's book The Book of Joy. James' book. I even wrote about it in my books, including what Louise Hay said about viruses.

The life cycle for me is forgetting what I already processed, wrote about, and finding it again as if I am seeing it for the first time. Thanks to technology, all I have to do is type a word or phrase in the search bar. I typed the word forgive in my blog's search bar.

June 3, 2011. Working on My Emotions. The words that stood out were the battleground of my mind pertaining to racing thoughts.

May 18, 2015. Coincidences and Serendipities. I included Dr. Len's Hooponopono.

February 4, 2018. Old Movies. I just watched all the old movies of my childhood for real vs. what I had been watching through traumatized memories.

June 27, 2020. I posted the introduction to my book Personal Journal & Recipes for Healthy Living. I'll have to revisit this book again.

It is below freezing this morning. The first freeze of the year. Although I can visualize freezing the uncomfortable memories, I know they will thaw out again. I had even written a poem titled "Freeze-Dried Memories."

I’ve been awake since 4:30 this morning, processing all of this during the last three hours. Time to climb into my clean tub and get on with my day.

January 12, 2022 update.

A treasure of a book found me in the used book section of a library titled Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness by Dr. Fred Luskin. I love the concept of renting space in your mind to negative thoughts about others who have hurt us in some way. He adds how we blame others for what happened to us and create a grievance story about it. Next comes the steps for how to shift from being a victim to being a hero - recovering from what happened to us and transcending to being an example to help others. I am also reading The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore by Alan Cohen at the same time. In a moment of synchronicity, I opened Dragon to the next chapter after reading more of Forgive. They both covered the topic of forgiveness.

Let It Go

November 21, 2021, Shower Meditation

While washing my hair, I saw the image of the high priestess I knew who shaved her head for holy reasons. I thought about the trauma she had endured which propelled her in developing psychic abilities. 

I thought about the trauma Christ in the book The Nine Faces of Christ endured as tests of his resilience and spiritual evolvement. 

I thought about the trauma Teal Swan had endured that propelled her into the life she lives now, teaching others how to overcome theirs.

All three of them developed high levels of intuition and psychic abilities.

Since I began these shower meditations, I have incorporated letting it all go. I often see the air filled with dead skin dust - and suddenly realized my body knows how to let it go. I watch the water and dust go down the drain and visualize letting it all go. I thought about digestion - I eat, my body digests what I eat, and then eliminates the rest - it lets it go. 

Allow all of it in, digest it, and eliminate it. 

What if I could see the trauma I endured as a gift that propelled ME to open to the spiritual realm? What if I could let all the past trauma stories go?

I thought about earth trauma - volcanoes, earthquakes - followed by the renewal of soil and trees, etc. 

Mother nature knows how to let it go. She does it every fall, shedding leaves from her trees. 

The sky knows how to let it go, releasing emotional streams of tears.

I thought about tribal torture ceremonies, like the Sundance of the Sioux tribe. They know how to let the pain go knowing what the result on the other side will be. They don't hold onto it.

I thought about emptying my backpack of stones - and let them go.

Snippets of an interview with Michael Singer I recently listened to: 

“You’re doing one of two things all the time. You’re either clinging to what you think will make you feel better or you’re resisting what you think will make you feel worse. ... because you’re not okay, you build this concept inside your mind of how the moments in front of you need to be for you to be okay, and how they need to not be so you won’t be worse. Which moments? The ones that God made, or the ones that came out of the quantum field for 13.8 billion years? So, it doesn’t matter. ... You let go of that garbage that you’re building inside of you that’s saying things need to be a certain way for me to be okay.

“You can honor and respect every single experience that you have. There are no good and bad experiences. There are just experiences. And if you’re open to them, you grow from them. You learn from them. And that’s the meaning of your life. ... That when you leave, you are a higher being than who came down, period. ... Earth is a place where souls are sent to evolve. 

You said, “I don’t want it to have happened. It should not have happened. And I’m not going to experience this.” And you suppressed it. You pushed it away inside and it got stuck inside of you. ...What got stuck? The energy of the experience, the whole pattern, the colors..., the taste, the feelings, everything. ... “Well, so what? At least I didn’t have to experience it.” You did experience it. You just didn’t let it go. Now it stays inside of you. Now, when something outside reminds you of it, even though it isn’t happening, you feel bad. You feel scared.

But it’s not comfortable when it comes up. “Of course, it’s not, it wasn’t comfortable when you stored it. It’s not going to be comfortable when it comes up, but you can handle it. Practice, practice, practice, practice letting go, practice handling things. And as you do, the bigger stuff will come up, you let it go. And then bigger stuff will come up, you let it go. And all of a sudden, you’re going to find out that you’re much happier than you used to be. You’re not carrying all the garbage inside of you and being afraid that it’ll get hit.”

More about Michael Singer's work:

https://www.projectmonkeymind.com/2020/03/michael-singer-quotes-surrender-experiment-untethered-soul/#Michael_Singer_on_Why_We_Are_Afraid_of_Change

My Quest for Healing

Due to the amazing energy and improved strength I've gotten from a new product I began taking back in June - BodyHealth PerfectAmino, I've been busy writing and reorganizing a new book titled My Quest for Healing. I'm truly amazed as to how it all came together - and I'm convinced I had help from the spiritual realm. Here's a sneak peek at the cover and the introduction.

When I landed here in Texas November 2006, I had no idea it was the land of transformation where I would be assigned a new quest, put alone on a boat to be the captain of my own ship, and facing storms in a rough sea. I would also be docking on strange and unfamiliar land with rough terrain.

Ever since I had the supernatural experience in 2010, I’ve been on a quest to find out what happened and how to get back the amazing energy I had. The energy included the courage to pursue the path of doing big things that would contribute to improving world circumstances. I also wanted to know why I burned out and crashed.

While I was in the midst of the (manic) adrenaline high, I was able to walk again after being wheelchair dependent for five years – and unless I was experiencing an anxiety attack, I continued to do so until July 2018.

Seasons came and went. Chilly winters, luscious springs, sizzling summers, and the overnight arrival of fall. I read, I wrote, I watched, I listened, I paid attention.

Somewhere along the path of ‘stepping stones,’ I learned from Bruce Lipton that we have an estimated 50+ trillion cells in our bodies. I realized I don’t just make choices for ME; I make choices for WE. All 50+ trillion of us. I don’t just need to practice self-love and acceptance for ME, I must practice for US.

I became aware of how my mind and emotions affect the trillions of cells that make up my body. I wasn’t the only one feeling abandoned. All trillions of my cells did, too.

Realizing I am responsible for and the guardian of this huge universe of a body inspired me to do the mental health work, drink water, exercise, get adequate sleep, and avoid foods and other destructive habits that could hinder the function of these awesome 50+ trillion cells.

I knew I had to shift out of low self-worth and victim consciousness because my thoughts and beliefs were affecting the universe I call my body. And I was in awe of the connections I noticed in how the spiritual realm was orchestrating my growth. As Abraham-Hicks would say,

Everything is working out for me.

Look for the evidence.

In keeping logs and journals, I had a track record of evidence. I concluded there MUST be a grand outcome for it all.

But what?

In 2021, the psychic medium I consulted with told me, “You are meant to be patient on your path. If you rush through your path, you’ll be greatly disappointed in the outcome.”

Path?

What path?

This is when I realized the path was this quest.

Broken Wings

One may never know the source of their health issues until they begin to explore the spiritual aspects of their past lives to get a glimpse of what they brought into their current one.

The ceramic woman below originally had wings. I can't remember where I found it. In one of many moves, one of the wings broke off. I sadly broke the other one off as well. But I couldn’t help but wonder… could the nagging pain in my upper back as well as the uncomfortable pin pricking sensation be because I used to have wings that had broken off?

Ordinarily, one could shrug all this off as hogwash… except the details coincide with what other energy healers have told me along with personal discoveries.

Bryan is a psychic medium and healer. In an online event, even over Zoom, he made eye contact with me and said, “Use your clairaudience. It’s your strongest.” I had to look up what clairaudience means. When you have a skill like this one or any other one, it feels normal to you. I didn’t know I had this ‘gift.’ It’s the reason I heard that voice telepathically that told me to go to the laundromat back in 2010.

This led to a few sessions with Bryan that included a general reading, a reading to discover who my spirit guides were (along with their names), and what some of my past lives were. I was curious, not expecting anything significant. Then I was amazed by what he told me when he matter of factly answered my list of questions with what I knew to be true. One of the questions I asked was if he could see if I had wings that had broken off. Yes, he did. (I wondered about the Nephilim of the bible... was I one of their offspring?) He also said the wound could be healed… energetically. 

 
Bryan would be telling me one thing and suddenly mention something else - like, “your heart was broken by a person of authority” and “your stuck belief is you are broken” which led me to wonder, once again, about broken wings. Perhaps without my wings, I felt powerless.  

In a past life session to explore the root of chronic throat irritation, Bryan said I had taken a vow of silence in a past life. I contemplated the silence I climbed inside of for so much of this life.

I then went to see Ambika and ask her about chronic throat irritation - a physical reason for it. Instead, she asked, “Would you like to explore the emotions behind this issue?”

“Sure, why not?”

Ambika has a whole list of talents and skills she acquired over the years, including ThetaHealing®. In this particular session, she said I had to swallow a lot of stuff (stress and abuse) in my life… and in past lives as well. Then she asked me if I can remember ever being strangled. No, I couldn’t… but the following day, I remembered feeling a sense of terror as I witnessed my father strangling my little brother in one of his temper flares. My mother did get him to let go, and when he realized how close he came to killing his child, he never did anything like that again. But I had to ‘swallow’ the experience just like I ‘swallowed’ so many other experiences. There was no one to talk to about it. I'm sure I concluded that if he did it to my brother, he could do it to me. Therefore, I am not safe. It's interesting that I developed intestinal pain from what was diagnosed as anxiety after that. 

As a child, I wasn’t allowed to speak up about anything and did, indeed, swallow it all… stuffing it down deep into my body. I've learned this is what bodies do to protect you. I continued to swallow many other situations such as abusive partners, bosses, medical procedures, and more.

I then had an additional session with Ambika to dig deeper. I was surprised when she picked up past lives that included some of what Bryan had told me. In the digging process, I identified the belief that I am a throw-a-way… in addition to the one that I am broken. This was followed by a ThetaHealing® session to pull these beliefs and replace them with new ones. 

Historically, people were absolutely brutal… especially to women... and unfortunately, some of this still exists today. Many of us believed we had no choice but to take the abuse... that we deserved the abuse. I thought about the wings of the ceramic woman I threw away. Maybe I should have kept them in a safe place.

I don’t discount three scenarios or messages in a row with similar information. Add a fourth scenario that happened just after readings from both Bryan and Ambika: the cat that showed up that had been attacked by something that left puncture wounds on his throat… resulting in an abscess that suffocated him. I didn’t see this as a random event. I have often felt like I was suffocating.

But this isn’t the end of the story. Once core beliefs and roots to illness and chronic pain are identified and brought to the surface, the next step is to learn the skills to manage them, transform them, and become empowered. One must learn to be their own superhero. I am working on it.

Volunteer

I've always felt the need to have a purpose. During times I had none or was disconnected, I would get depressed and sometimes suicidal. Here are additional thoughts on the topic. In the early morning hours, I often scroll through social media and read emails. Oftentimes, I note connections and synchronicities in what I am thinking about and what shows up in my feed.

Amy Penny aka The Healer Chick recently posted this YouTube video by Dolores Cannon titled The Three Waves of Volunteers. She also has a book with the same title. Something clicked, and I felt the sense of excitement in discovering what I came to earth to do. Even if it's only my imagination, it doesn't matter. The discovery propels me to yet another level of understanding.

I came here as a volunteer. For what? To bring love where there is darkness and despair. This is an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. I'd been gathering clues relating to birth trauma, childhood trauma, and the chain of trauma that continued throughout my life which apparently affected my immune system and locked my nervous system into freeze.

I had also just recently seen information by Robert Schwartz about living according to the virtues you decided to work on before you incarnated... an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. This is his book on Amazon which I haven't read yet.

If I volunteered to bring love into the family I was born into, no wonder I changed my mind when I got here. It turned out to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. Dolores talked about this part. In changing my mind, I froze, rebelled, withdrew, didn't want to stay here, and became depressed… thinking it was much more than I could handle… then concluded that I failed. With a sense of failure, I went out into the world attracting similar situations because I didn't know any different. 

Perhaps it wasn't about the traumatic experiences themselves after all. And if it wasn't, if there is no such thing as failing, just another opportunity to learn what works by eliminating something else that doesn't, can you see where I am heading? Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before he invented the lightbulb.

When I collapsed in 1999 and ended up on permanent disability, I gave up on love. When I collapsed in 2010, once again I gave up on love. I drowned in the sensation of feeling abandoned and worthless. Every so often, a supernatural event would occur to remind me I had spiritual helpers, but I didn't know they were always there but not allowed to interfere without your request unless it was an emergency.

Here I am today, back to volunteering. I recently took on another assignment. Relax, I told myself. Pace yourself. I don't have to do it all today.

As I continue my quest for post-traumatic growth, studying and drinking up the contents of all things relating to psychology self-help style, another layer was revealed to me as to why people feel compelled to confide in me. Energetically, they know I am a volunteer.

In seeking recovery from chronic depression (and grief), one thing that is recommended is to volunteer for a worthy cause. I struggled with this one due to physical limitations. But eventually, I found plenty to volunteer for. Plenty. So much so, as a super achiever, I burned myself out. 

I quit volunteering for a while but soon new projects found their way to me. I must be a volunteer magnet. I'd easily spend hours working on something that someone else may have completed in ten minutes. I had a steady disability income, although not enough for everything I wanted in life (like holistic medicine and psychology), so I volunteered to use my computer skills to do bookkeeping and secretarial skills for local nonprofits. It was technical work. I could detach emotionally while I stayed busy. My self-worth was dependent on completing tasks… for other people.

Volunteer. When I got back on the Community Attendant Service (CAS) program in August 2019, I found myself volunteering to mentor beautiful young women who were sent to be my helpers. At first, I felt like this was a part-time job. I had to create a task list for them, schedule the time, be up and ready for their arrival whether I felt up to it or not. I got to practice a lot of what I had been learning. It took a while before I realized why they (and others) felt compelled to share their emotional experiences and challenges with me.

Another layer to all of this was being told I am a Heyoka empath. I blend and merge with other people and often don't know that much of what I feel isn't mine. It is others. Which circles back around to pre-birth… in the womb… absorbing the emotions of the parents I volunteered to bring love to… in the midst of their acting out their personal wounded, traumatized inner children.

Volunteer. I compensated for my desire to volunteer by joining clubs and non-profit organizations, volunteering to be their secretary, social media admin, public relations person, and/or bookkeeper. I volunteered to help people get their stories/books published. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I ended up volunteering to study all the healing modalities I'd need to improve my personal health because I couldn't afford to pay others for these services.

Volunteer. As I circle back around into my original plan to bring love into my family, COVID brought the opportunity for my family members to learn how to use video conferencing technology. Because I had to learn how to use it myself, I decided to try getting my remaining family members connected via Zoom. It's been a wonderful reunion and success but also has its challenges. I often feel just as drained after a video visit as I do if I had visited in person. I want the visits to be uplifting but my natural tendency as a human emotional vacuum cleaner is to absorb all the uncomfortable emotions and leave behind love. Then I have to figure out how to empty my vacuum cleaner bag… but first, I'd have to figure out that it is full.

I like this newly inspired concept of being a human emotional vacuum cleaner. Just like spoon theory is a concept of available energy, I can determine how big my vacuum cleaner bag (or container) is… and remember to dump it out regularly. Before it gets so full it bursts. Before my little bucket overflows.

Expansion. The sensation of expanding beyond my physical body when I close my eyes… expanding to blend in with universal life energy… and universal love… expanding beyond my storytelling mind, toxic thoughts, and their resulting emotions. Doing this without alcohol or drugs. Wouldn't it be nice to become addicted to expansion? I've been reading you can be addicted to toxic thoughts.

P.S. I decided the bus I am going to use in the bus analogy (continued from my last post) would be a yellow school bus. The thoughts that often hop on board are unruly children.

 
I must be their competent bus driver and pay attention to the road. Let the bus monitor deal with the children.

According to ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), one cannot change toxic thoughts or make them go away. You must accept them and take them for a ride. Maybe at some point, I can upgrade to driving a luxurious tour bus. But for now, I must nurture my inner child and the inner children of the people who are in my life.

After all, I volunteered to love. Including myself.

In the meantime, it is vital for my survival (and yours) to establish boundaries. Use a word such as regardless to restate your boundary once you figure out what it is when someone you establish a boundary with attempts to climb your castle wall to invade your space.

Yes, I like this analogy, too. The ultimate fairy tale always has a castle. Some get locked in a tower (depression) for years before they are rescued. But some will die there alone. Some live in dilapidated filthy castles, imprisoned in their minds, and don't allow anyone into their space. Some keep their castles spotless, and invite people to fancy balls. Then after everyone leaves, they retreat into their personal gloom. Some castles have lots of rooms for guests. Who are these guests? Your thoughts, of course.

Perhaps no one is who you think they are… not even you. Have you ever noticed a sense of transformation when you let go of false beliefs and create new ones? It is a possibility for everyone…

Here's to synchronicity. After I wrote this early this morning, I opened Judith Orloff's book Thriving As An Empath to March 19… setting your intention:

I will be ready for renewal. I will anticipate spring with excitement and embrace the ongoing transformation of my mind, body, and spirit.

Bucket Theory

I grew up on the coast of Massachusetts, across the street from a small private beach. We could walk a short distance to get there. No public parking was available. It was PRIVATE. We collected seashells and pretty rocks, along with unintentional grains of sand. We walked along the edge of the ocean, feeling the sensation of waves washing in over our feet and washing out again.

I don't know about you, but I like to collect things. I also collected experiences, stress, worry, memories, toxins, sugar, viruses, and a host of other things that were detrimental to my health... filling up my bucket without the awareness that it could only hold so much before overflowing.

I think it was Bri of Complete Chiropractic and Wellness Center who first told me about the Bucket and explained how one additional grain-of-sand-sized thing can make it overflow, triggering a meltdown of PTSD, fatigue, pain, and illness. A grain of sand can include things like a thought, bad news, indigestion, an argument, an uncomfortable memory, insomnia, a flat tire, an invasion of ants, or a surprise bill.

I've been learning more about PTSD, an automatic reaction by our brilliantly designed bodies when gasoline is thrown on our internal fire. I purchased Anatomy 360 by Dr. Jamie Roebuck to increase my awareness of just how brilliant my body is. Wow. After looking at all the pictures, I am even more determined to spend time dwelling on all of that vs. what spins non-stop in my mind.

Two new docu-series/summits were released that I have been watching: Overcoming PTSD and Proven: Healing Breakthroughs Backed by Science. While these two are completely separate productions, both have the same basic information: understanding your body and how it reacts when your bucket overflows, along with proven methods of improving and hopefully, recovering.

In the realm of parts, mainstream medicine treats symptoms (with surgery and medications) vs. digging for root causes that include stress, trauma, and nutrition. I've known this for many years now. What I didn't realize is how the integration of 'systems' affects us. I didn't know that trauma (of any kind) resulted in chronic inflammation and auto-immune reactions. I didn't know that our unbelievably efficient immune system can't tell the difference between what type of stress the body is dealing with, it just declares war when it sees the bucket overflow.

Awareness is the key. Now that I am more aware, I can take proactive steps to bring the fires down to embers. For me, getting a handle on the original trauma(s) is the key. There are many modalities and therapies in the industry of trauma recovery out there that cost money. However, with COVID-19, in addition to the information about handling COVID itself, suddenly, there is a wealth of free information on trauma and what you can do about it. It's all about calming down the ANS -- the autonomic nervous system. The definition in Wikipedia is:

"The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates bodily functions, such as the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response."

In case you are one of many panicking and going crazy with all the systems that were put into place around COVID, it is the fear and anxiety that drains your immune system and increases your chances of getting sick. If you have other unhealthy habits in addition to fear and anxiety, this is an opportunity to do what is in your control: learn how to treat your body like it is a garden. Put as much love into it as you do with your flowers and plants. Let some of the load out of your bucket.

My personal plan of action includes prioritizing mindfulness (being in the present moment), meditating, drinking adequate amounts of water, avoiding foods and the news I know overflow my bucket, use the collection of essential oils I have, activate my vagus nerve, practice Donna Eden's energy-meridian balancing routines (she even has one for calming anxiety--you can find some on YouTube), and grounding by placing my bare feet on the garden rocks out in front of my apartment.

Rocks. I just discovered I could get grounded by placing my feet on rocks while sitting in my wheelchair. I had been paranoid about being barefoot in the grass due to the high number of fire ants that share space here, so I didn't try it. But when the management company redid the landscape two years ago, they provided areas of river rocks out front. I got my dose this morning. It really worked. I felt the difference in my body... and imagined I was back on that beach again.

Haunted

About two weeks ago, I felt haunted... by the spirits, emotions, and voices of many children tugging on my invisible sleeves. The sensation began to overwhelm me. 

In the meantime, I continued to do the work of recovering from past trauma, wrote about the discovery of parts, and did an iRest Yoga Nidra program for two months. The meditations were different than other meditations I had done. 

Based on Buddhist principles, everything in life--both joy and sorrow--are impermanent. The goal is to refrain from getting attached to either one... and stop the cycle of making up stories about your experiences. In the practice, you identify feelings, emotions, beliefs, and images along with their opposite, somehow feel each one, then merge these opposites together while meditating. 

The spirits and voices of these children got louder. In a moment of exasperation, I asked them how many they were... and felt the answer of 9. OK. I asked how old they were... and felt the answer of 5. Five is a good age. I have a photo of myself when I was 5 on my bedside table. I asked if any of them had died... and felt the answer of 4. How sad.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to take down the box of little dolls and other doll-house size objects I had been saving for my grand-daughter... and for my inner child. I counted them out... and found I had exactly 9 of them! 

My intention was for each doll to represent one of the feelings (or emotions) I had suppressed, to allow them the freedom to express themselves... and to find a way to love and accept them. I could pretend I was in charge of a class of kindergarteners. 

 And yet... I even wondered if it was possible these 9 dolls simply wanted out of their box.

They are now sitting in a circle in a red plastic open-top container facing each other with a little cat in the middle.

It amazes me how much better I felt after I did this. With all my inner children out of their box, free to BE with both joy and sadness and a cat to play with, all is well. When something comes up from the deep abyss, I look and ask who is upset and what they need to feel better.

Happy Halloween!

The Let-Down Effect and Expansion

Last week, I experienced another adrenaline rush followed by what I learned is called The Let-Down Effect. On my way home from an iRest Yoga Nidra meditation held in the building that was previously the fire station, I encountered a pole extending across the side-walk while I was riding my mobility scooter... didn't see it until it was in front of my face... barely stopped in time. Two days later, I decided to call the fire department to report the hazard as it had been their building. I was told the new owner would be contacted.

As soon as I hung up from this call, my heart began racing and fireworks of shooting spasm-like pain started in my lower back and shot all the way up to my neck. BREATHE. BREATHE. You know what this is now. It's adrenaline letdown. It will pass. BREATHE. At least this time, I didn't get the exhaustion followed by getting sick.

Once it subsided, I Googled "remedies for adrenaline letdown" and found this article. (Click on the link to read more.) The Let-down Effect.

"It's long been known that stress can lead to illness but only recently has evidence emerged that some people tend to get sick after a pressure-packed period has ended." "During acute stress, the body releases key hormones – including glucocorticoids (like cortisol), catecholamines (like norepinephrine) and adrenaline – to prepare itself to fight or flee from danger and to trigger the immune system to step up certain types of surveillance. In the process, "glucocorticoids can reactivate latent viral infections such as herpes simplex 1 [which causes cold sores] and Epstein-Barr virus [which can trigger fatigue, fever, sore throat and swollen glands], for which symptoms are only obvious after a few days,"...

The Let-Down Effect explains why I have gotten sick after stressful situations occur!

Since my last post about 'parts,' my quest brought more results to add to my collection.

I had Barbara Ann Brennan's two books: Hands of Light and Light Emerging on my bookshelf. They caught my attention when I was looking for the next thing to read while peddling on my recumbent bike (30 minutes at a time). For me, reading and digesting what I read can be miles apart, but even if I get just one thing out of it, that one thing is more than I had before. Thirty minutes of reading this material is all I can handle at one time. I finished Hands of Light and opened Light Emerging.

Meanwhile, I had purchased the book Transforming Anxiety: The HeartMath Solution for Overcoming Fear and Worry and Creating Serenity. HeartMath was one of many therapies suggested in the book The Body Keeps The Score, and I wanted to learn more about what this was. In addition to a book I read (reeeed) while cycling, I always keep a book to read by my bed. (The rest of the time, I read stuff on the internet.)

"HeartMath technology is an innovative approach to improving emotional wellbeing. Learn to change your heart rhythm pattern to create physiological coherence; a scientifically measurable state characterized by increased order and harmony in our mind, emotions, and body." You can read more on heartmath.com.

I'm still reading the book. So far, I've learned about something called 'overcare' (caring too much) which results in anxiety. There are exercises and meditations to do to become AWARE of thoughts, feelings, and the stories you tell yourself about your experiences. Trauma often affects heart rhythms, and HeartMath relates to becoming aware of your heart rhythm and 'regulating' it consciously through meditation. I must have over a dozen recorded meditations so far... and can't decide which one to listen to. Sigh...

Meanwhile, someone I knew from past involvement in a writer's group contacted me about iRest Yoga Nidra. He was doing a series of four classes in my town and thought I'd be interested. YES. Especially when I learned it was a method of trauma therapy. He also provided me with a link for a four-week clinical study on iRest Yoga Nidra. I applied and was accepted into a program for aging adults. I couldn't wait to find out how to alleviate my anxiety about getting older... getting older with chronic pain. There are four videos to watch, a study guide to download, and homework to do.

In iRest, one must identify feelings and emotions AND THEIR OPPOSITES. Decide on your heartfelt desire (????), set an intention (????), and find your inner resource (????). In meditation, you go back and forth between the feelings and emotions you came up with. The goal is to sense where in the body you feel them and cease reacting to any of them... to make it all neutral. Even be OK with PAIN. We get to choose two sets of opposites in each category.

Information overload... frustration... I must figure this all out... and my brain tells me, "I feel so stupid," because I can't make the connections I'm supposed to in all of this... then I remember that this is the point of the course... to learn HOW... and now I have a negative emotion I can use in this exercise. Feeling stupid.

I'm used to doing things like this in a group where I can hear what everyone else is doing and get ideas. I could take a break and MEDITATE... and listen to what comes up... but I'm too wired to do that... the whole point of meditation is to SLOW DOWN.

In addition to Jay Shetty (found him on Facebook), who used to be a Buddhist Monk, in this iRest program, I now meet Michael Sapiro, PsyD, who also used to be a Buddhist Monk. I remembered how years ago, after meeting a woman who was studying material (can't remember exactly what) with a group who met at an Eastern Medicine doctor's house.

Meanwhile, one of the pages or friends I have on Facebook posted something by Michael Cupo. Michael wrote It's Monday in Your Mind: You Are Not Your Thoughts. I read some of the pages from Look inside on Amazon and also explored his website. He was teaching the same concept.

And meanwhile, I came across posts from Byron Katie: A Mind At Home With Yourself. I read some Look inside pages from her book on Amazon and explored her website. She was teaching this concept, too.

In 2008, I totaled my GMC Sonoma. When the truck came to rest in the ravine, everything in it came flying at me. I feel like all this information is flying at me in the same way. But the message began to get clear. One must develop the ability to observe all they experience without reacting to any of it... no matter how good it is or horrible.

Can someone like me... who can be an emotional rollercoaster... from excitement to despair and back up again... learn how to do this? Do I want to? I was just getting the gist of raising my vibration by focusing on pleasure with all of my senses... and pushing out everything else. But according to all this other material, doing so causes RESISTANCE. And resistance contributes to anxiety. Even Teal Swan teaches this.

It feels like a vicious circle. I have anxiety just thinking about the process. All the feelings and emotions have minds of their own. There are DOZENS of them. Each lives in their own little compartment. They don't even know how to be friends. All I feel is the result of resisting them when more than one decides to surface and declare war on my field (my physical body)... which contributes to anxiety. But in order to conquer the anxiety, I must be able to identify and feel where in my body each of the feelings and emotions reside.

Which comes first? The chicken or the egg?

I'm waiting for all this information to CLICK. Assimilation. It did for all the teachers who are now teaching this stuff. I know because I read their bios. Each and every one of them started out with one situation or another that resulted in trauma, anxiety, and/or depression. They found a program that helped them and are now teaching. Some have expanded the program they found into one of their own.

Maybe it is like a murder mystery... and requires an investigation... after all... I did attempt to murder my other 'parts' (read the previous blog post) when I suppressed them.

I feel like I am being followed... by a stalker... by many stalkers... parts of myself I abandoned a long time ago. Maybe I feel threatened because I have been stalked by a human stalker in the past and my brain is mixing them up.

Maybe I resist studying... and if I change the task to doing an investigation, I will enjoy it more.

I want to feel safe inside my body. I don't remember when I decided I wasn't. I want the courage to face the other parts of me that threaten my peace of mind. Perhaps these other parts have the answers I seek... I'm sure they do... but there are so MANY other parts! And I haven't learned how to listen to only one at a time... yet...

I'm good at staying busy and distracting myself... and many others do the same. We are human BEings. But very few people want to just BE. Mmmmmm. Perhaps that bee that hovered around me (I wrote a post about it) had this message for me, too. BE.

Parts: Internal Family Systems

The journey of self-discovery continues after I read the book: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. This book was recommended to me by Frankie Perez of Frankie Perez's Mindgym after I commented on one of his Facebook posts regarding trauma recovery. Bessel includes information about many different therapies... including IFS... Internal Family Systems... the PARTS of us that as a whole makes us human.

As a seeker, I feel there is still much more to learn about myself and how my mind works. In understanding more about myself, I can understand more about other people, including family, which opens up my world as I realize their behaviors are/were never about me. As a seeker, intense curiosity rules. I am forever surprised at how much more there is to learn.

What if?

What if I have the potential to discover much more than what I already know? Can I stop comparing myself to others? If I could go back in time, would I have continued my formal education? Would getting a masters and doctorate degrees have made a difference? Would I still feel intimidated by people who have "Dr." in front of their name?

I often felt 'split' depending on who I was with and what was going on in my life. I've felt the bliss of being in love with either a person, a cat, an idea, a song, a book, a piece of art, and more. I've also felt the depth of despair and hopelessness... when I completely disassociated. Among other things, I've come to know I am an introvert with some extravert characteristics. I've come to know my 5-year-old still lives inside of me... both the happy girl and the frightened one.

When I read about humans being made up of PARTS, I sighed with relief. While I like the idea of being a mystery, I feel much more comfortable when I understand what is going on.

Yes, I know about arms, legs, eyes, ears, and all the internal organs as parts. I learned about the different parts of the brain. I fell in love with the term "Amygdala Hijack." The amygdala stores the emotions, and when you feel out of control, it is the amygdala that hijacks you, so you can't think clearly.

I've been learning about how various parts of the brain store different parts of memories. In the case of severe trauma, the reason we can't remember exactly what happened is the memory splits up into different parts of the brain. With the right types of therapies (vs. drugs), the fragmented parts become integrated, and a coherent story begins to form. Then with further steps, the brain can be trained that what happened took place in the past vs. memory hijacking you back into the past resulting in symptoms such as a racing heart, panic, anxiety, and more.

With each growing stage of my life: infant, toddler, grade-schooler, middle-schooler, teenager, high schooler, adult, and every role I've played, I often felt like I was different people. Hormones got their way with me as well as depressive episodes.

Parts? Yes, parts. "The mind is a mosaic. We all have parts." Now my intense curiosity leads me to investigate these parts and become familiar with them. "The mind is made up of relatively discrete subpersonalities, each with its own viewpoint and qualities." "Parts are not just feelings but distinct ways of being, with their own beliefs, agendas, and roles in the overall ecology of our lives." "Each split-off part holds different memories, beliefs, and physical sensations."

Parts include the manager, the firefighter, and the exiles.

Who is the manager? What characteristics does she have? The manager's job is to "prevent humiliation and abandonment and to keep her organized and safe." The manager part was (and still is) competent, held responsible positions, and produces quality work... all while doing an outstanding job at sending all the other parts into exile. The manager told me to grin and bear it because no one wanted to hear about my pain. If I did talk about it and felt the discomfort of the listener, there was embarrassment and shame as well as feeling invisible. The parts I sent into exile were, indeed, invisible... until an amygdala hijack brought them out from hiding.

But it wasn't just me. "It emerged that, as children, nearly all of them were supposed to be seen and not heard--safety meant keeping their needs under wraps."

Who are the exiles? "Exiles are the toxic waste dump of the system. Because they hold the memories, sensations, beliefs, and emotions associated with trauma, it is hazardous to release them." "When exiles overwhelm managers, they take us over--we are nothing but that rejected, weak, unloved, and abandoned child."

I love reading the description that shines a light on all of the unidentified suppressed confusion in my mind and emotions.

Are there any other exiles beside the happy child and the frightened one? How can I retrieve the happy child? Why did I exile her? How can I retrieve more happy memories and FEEL the happiness of those experiences? I'm sure in reality there were many happy moments, yet in one of many cognitive distortions, I discounted the positive and dwelled on the few negative experiences.

Why did I make that decision? Why does ONE demeaning statement take control of your entire life? Why does witnessing ONE act of violence do the same thing? Who is the critic I also sent into exile who is quick to judge both herself and others... and then get overwhelmed by guilt when she realizes she was thinking a critical thought?

Who is the firefighter? What does she do when a threat appears? How does she react? Is she really putting out the fire or building a tomb?

Who is my true Self: the Self that is confident, curious, and calm? The one writing this post? How do I make friends with the 5-year-old, the 9-year old, the 13-year-old, and the 17-year-old who demand attention when I want to read yet another book about recovering from past traumatic experiences that are programmed into my nervous system and feels like dead weight keeping me from going where I want to go?

Where, exactly, DO I want to go? Once I figure myself out, then what?

True Self knows the thrill of life is NOT always knowing where you are going... and take one day at a time. But... the 5, 9, 13, and 17-year-olds say...

WHAT ABOUT US?

The Subject of Healing Trauma Continues/Synchronicity

I used to think that trauma just involved people (including me) emotionally and psychologically. I also used to think that “other” people didn’t suffer the consequences of trauma the way I had.

Yes, I’ve come a long way in processing traumatic experiences, but it seems like there is always more work to be done. (Life is a journey...) When I picked up Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma by Peter Levine, I found this out. Apparently, trauma affects a lot more than I had conceived. According to Levine, EVERYONE is affected by trauma. Everyone? That is new news to me!

Thanks to people like Levine who love to do research and have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and answers, I’m sure it was no accident that I came across his book. It meant to me that I was being provided with another piece of my journey to healing. Indeed, I also have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and answers when it pertains to my health and the health of people I care about.

Levine studied what animals do when they are faced with a traumatic event—like being attacked by a predator. Many times, they FREEZE and PLAY DEAD. Here I had been harboring the false belief that freezing and pretending I was asleep, which had been my reaction to impending traumatic events, was not OK. I had no idea that it was a natural instinct.

But animals have the ability to ‘shake it off’ while us humans stay frozen, and what stays frozen is energy that gets trapped in our physical bodies. We tense, brace ourselves in fear, freeze, play dead, collapse in terror, but never discharge the pent-up energy our brains decided was necessary to escape those situations (and our attackers).

I will definitely pay closer attention to the animal kingdom now.

Levine wrote: “Healing trauma requires a direct experience of the living, feeling, knowing organism” and I like that he refers the healing process as, “a heroic journey that belongs to each of us.”

He concluded that “post-traumatic symptoms are, fundamentally, incomplete physiological responses suspended in fear.” “These symptoms will not go away until the responses are discharged and completed.”

“The traumatized veteran, the rape survivor, the abused child, the Impala, and the bird all have been confronted by overwhelming situations. If they are unable to orient and choose between fight or flight, they will freeze or collapse. Those who are able to discharge that energy will be restored. Rather than moving through the freezing response, as animals do routinely, humans often begin a downward spiral characterized by an increasingly debilitating constellation of symptoms.”

As for those symptoms, I don’t know about you, but I was prescribed a lot of medications. I am very grateful I’ve gotten off the last of them. They can be useful for buying time to help the traumatized individual stabilize, however, they suppress the body’s own balancing response to stress and interfere with healing. Of course, unless you have a qualified therapist who can help you with the process of releasing trauma, medications may be your only remedy.

When 1,000 men and women were studied, 40% had gone through a traumatic event in the three years prior. These traumas included being raped or physically assaulted, being in a serious car accident, getting a routine invasive medical procedure, witnessing someone else being killed or injured, or devastation by natural disasters. 

I’m not sure how this next statistic was achieved, but “somewhere between seventy-five and one hundred million Americans have experienced childhood sexual and physical abuse.”

What’s even more staggering is: “The conservative AMA (American Medical Association) estimates that over thirty percent of all married women, as well as thirty percent of pregnant women, have been beaten by their spouses.”

With a new blog post in mind with what I’d learned from this book, I stepped outside to survey the scene outside my apartment building. We are in the process of having the landscaping redone in front of our apartments. As I walked along to the buildings to the right that had already been completed, a resident stepped outside and began a conversation. At first, we were talking about the landscape. I can’t remember how the next part of the conversation began. Was it me that brought up pasture-raised eggs?

I was enthralled with her narration about her life growing up in Mississippi. They didn’t have electricity which meant no refrigerators, washing machines, or lighting. They raised their own animals which were periodically slaughtered for food to supplement what they grew in their garden. She described the process of coating the pork with a certain type of sugar and hanging it up to dry, which lasted all winter. They used lanterns for lighting. 

She said she was happy and that her parents were awesome. Then she married a man who beat her (with a little more detail than what I am writing here), and she had six children with him. This part didn't make sense to me because I thought if you had a good upbringing, you chose a good partner. Thus, I found myself losing the excuse that I chose 'bad' partners based on the way my father was.

I changed the subject to something more pleasant. I hope that was the right thing to do. Someday, I may find out more. I considered the conversation a moment of synchronicity. After all, it was related to the topic I intended to write about.

It’s nice to see that I am not alone in what I went through. I continue to read, become aware, and discover the messages my body communicates to me. Next, I want to write about hope.

No matter what we’ve been through, there are processes for discharging the frozen energy in our bodies. Levine wrote about Somatic Experiencing. Then there was a post I saw on Facebook by Lissa Rankin, MD about the inability to cure disease no matter how healthy your lifestyle is if you have unhealed trauma. 

I was ‘sensing’ that something was still missing even though I’ve been eating the right food and taking the right supplements, and like it happens more often than not these days, the info I need shows up in numerous places. 

Dr. Rankin wrote that trauma is anything that is perceived as a threat, overwhelms your coping capacity, produces a sense of powerlessness, produces a feeling of isolation and aloneness, or violates your expectations. “To permanently cure disease, you must do the deep inner work necessary to face, heal, and clear trauma.” “The great news is that trauma is curable!” http://lissarankin.com

When Joseph Fred Wright contacted me about assisting him with a new book, he sent me his previous book titled: Transcripts from the Psychic Hypnotist: The Other Side of Medicine along with his self-hypnosis CD Awaken Your Inner Healer. Synchronicity… how did this 79-year old man know I could use this information? Hypnosis is one of the successful means of helping people heal from trauma. The book he needed help with was on a completely different topic. 

Would you believe he found an article I had forgotten I had written about designing your own book covers and posted it on his Facebook page a month before he was referred to me by the founder of The Central Texas Writers Society I belong to? Synchronicity! I wanted to learn more about this author, so I browsed through his Facebook feed. I saw the article but didn't realize I was the author until after I opened it and read through the end. Memory is not my strong point.

Another moment of synchronicity occurred when I went to my Netflix list and chose Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. In Cosmos, I am enthralled by the narration about matter… atoms and molecules… how much we have in common with nature and animals… the vastness of space… how most of everything is empty space... and everything is energy.

Plus… the numbers 1111 have been showing up… the mileage on my car when I looked down at it… the time on the clock in the car as I pulled in to my parking space 11:11. I opened a video posted on Facebook which had the date of June 11, 2011, at the beginning of it. One of the meanings I found for this related to your thoughts creating your own reality. Pay attention!

I wonder… is this related to the topic of trauma that is frozen in my physiology calling out to me asking for release? Is it related to all the information relating to healing trauma that has been showing up in numerous places? 

1111… pay attention! Believe me, I am!