One of Me

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Image from https://pasterski.com/2018/10/internal-family-systems-meet-your-inner-family/

This is a continuation of what I began writing about years ago after reading and listening to Richard Schwartz Ph.D. No Bad Parts aka Internal Family Systems. I liked learning that no matter how many parts of me there are, none of them are bad… not even the angry, judgemental ones. I have to get to know who they are and love them instead of doing what I have always done… push them away. I have also learned that everyone has parts.

To refresh your memory (and mine), I fell into a depressive episode for about six months when I got sick in June resulting in three weeks of isolation while I holed up in my bedroom in bed. Multiple voices in my head surfaced, competing for my attention at the same time. Some of these voices were angry, sad, lonely, and scared. I learned from that experience that I needed a bench sofa I could rest and nap on in my living room and only use the bedroom at night. I found one that works on Amazon.

At the end of 2006, I had moved to Texas and then got stuck here on my own. Abandonment issues magnified, and it took over five years to find a home, people, and groups I was comfortable being involved with. Holidays are the worst. I get homesick. Just as I was recovering from being sick, Thanksgiving and Christmas floated in. I felt left out of all the holiday gatherings I saw other people enjoying.

If you're reading this and were one of the people who showed up at my door or called me, thank you!

I gave up trying to make sense of the terminology for IFS (Internal Family Systems) that includes exiles, protectors, managers, etc. and in a fit of frustration, demanded these ‘parts’ get out of my head and sit on other chairs in my apartment. When I felt them all inside my head creating chaos and despair (like the picture on top), I began to tell them to go sit down where I can see them and listen to what they need to say. Somehow it worked, and I no longer felt like I would go insane with numerous voices inside my head. After describing this to one of my younger sisters, she suggested I write a blog post on the topic.

I like the term One of Me. It describes the detachment I feel when one part of me is functioning and the other parts are not.

One of Me is a workaholic. I used to work full-time jobs plus take college classes, eventually obtaining a Bachelor's Degree in Management Information Systems. Working and studying was my medicine (when I wasn't taking the pharmaceutical kind)... a distraction from the emotions and feelings I couldn't deal with. Post-disability, as long as I had projects to work on, I was okay. You can say I am addicted to distractions.

One of Me is a lonely, abandoned, traumatized, scared child… afraid of the outside world… afraid of the unknown. She looks at people on Facebook who are having fun with their families… even traveling to be with them… and doing activities she can no longer do… like hiking and exploring. She sits down and cries inside because she is grieving for the family she no longer has even though her siblings live in other states. She also grieves for places she can no longer go. Isolation is painful. How did she survive all these years?

Indeed, One of Me is a survivor. Despite all the traumatic experiences, she is still here. Still breathing. The Divine has been by her side making sure she has her basic needs… food, shelter, transportation… even when she detached (disassociated) and couldn't feel the support.

One of Me is a dreamer. She used to dream of a future that includes fame with writing and music... and traveling in a nice RV.  Is it still possible? I don't know. I am older now.

One of Me experiences chronic conditions such as adrenal fatigue and spondylolisthesis and needs someone to take care of her and help with chores. Community Attendant Services didn’t work out, so she is on her own again. At least the Divine brought a Mobility Scooter and a van with a lift.

One of Me is an educated adult who knows what to do for the other one. She tells her to lie down and rest as much as she needs to and just tackle one thing at a time. Nothing is permanent, not even fatigue. Since fatigue usually partners with depression, reassure her that it is temporary. She usually begins feeling better in the afternoon.

One of Me is a compassionate adult who listens to other people when they call or come to her with their concerns. She is also an empath and can't always release the emotions she absorbs from others. She has to learn to differentiate what is hers from what is others and clear the others out. Towards the end of this last depressive episode, it occurred to me that I can listen to the other One of Me's the same way I listen to other humans... with a sense of detachment.

YouTube is smart and suggests videos to you based on everything else you have been watching, reading, writing, purchasing, and listening to. I opened the YouTube app one day and found the audiobook Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant. Then I purchased the book. 

On another day, I found an interview with Bruce Lipton on his Biology of Belief. Bruce said to incorporate the affirmations into your subconscious, listen to them as you go to sleep. I created a playlist for Sleep with two "I love myself" videos so it would stop after the second one. I am usually awake during the first one and fall asleep as the second one plays.

YouTube also suggested Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention audiobook which I listened to twice. Perhaps YouTube talks to Amazon and knows I had purchased the book. “I intend to feel good. I intend to feel happy. I intend to choose thoughts that make me feel good. There is a solution to every problem." I rewrote my personal affirmation list to include these and to read throughout the day.

I found two Wednesday night online support groups through Mile Hi Church in Colorado: Transcending Trauma and Heart, Mind, Spirit Recovery. (The ministers at that church were originally in Huntington Beach, California when I lived there.) Trauma meets the first Wednesday, Recovery every Wednesday. While Recovery is mainly for alcoholics and drug addicts, I qualify because I took strong pharmaceutical drugs for close to 15 years. Besides, I am addicted to sugar which is known to be as addicting as cocaine. What do I want the most when I feel depressed? Sugar! I know what it feels like to want it even though I know it isn't good for me. It feeds candida which is not my friend. I do my best to avoid gatherings that serve sweets. Wish they would serve organic fruit instead.

Back to Transcending Trauma. The facilitator told us grief gets mixed in with trauma. I could think of a whole list of things I’ve been grieving about. Loss of childhood, loss of my siblings as I knew them, loss of my parents, loss of homes, loss of relationships and marriages which turned out to be dysfunctionally matched with me as the empath and them as narcissists and energy vampires, loss of possessions when I had to walk away from everything, loss of all the foods I discovered I had sensitivities to and had toxins such as glyphosates, loss of the social circles that serve these foods. 

Grief changes you. You don't ever go back to what used to be normal. No wonder I feel detached and disassociated. Instead of clinging to what used to be, I have to completely let go. I have to incorporate my Sky-Diving principle. Yes, there is fear in the unknown, but trust that I will land safely. I found a few groups on Facebook and Instagram on the topic of grieving which have been helpful. They say that eventually, you figure out a new way to exist. Fortunately, I can use the search on my blog to find topics I wrote about in the past but have no memory of.

Well, One of Me writes songs and strums an acoustic folk guitar. A song titled Wrong Planet began to emerge, describing my challenges as simply being on the wrong planet. I began to hum it when I go into the outside world or even think about going out there, and it feels comforting. 

The lyrics to Wrong Planet which you can also find on YouTube: https://youtu.be/BV_iMM2TxVg.

I’m visiting from another planet, observing earthling ways.
My ship left without me – said they’d return for me someday.
I have trouble fitting in with people in this place.
How do I explain that my ship got lost in space?

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – can’t keep up with the trends.
I need someplace to belong because earth isn’t it.
I look around this strange land where I don’t seem to fit.

I feel complex and complicated, fractured and duplicated.
How did I end up here in this place that’s overrated?
Show me love; show me grace; be kindness in this place.
I’ll take a hug if you have one and a smile on your face.

My mind is like a mansion – it has a lot of rooms.
Let’s take a tour together to find our way out of this gloom.
It’s part of a life lesson… I’m writing a new theme.
Where will it lead me… just nothing too extreme.

There are ripples in the water, life is never still –
and neither are emotions that tumble down the hills.
I emptied out my closet, but I wish I could empty out my mind.
Boxes all shapes and sizes are filled with memories of every kind.

Courage, I know you’re somewhere; I’m searching for a dose.
I’m on the outside looking in, but I can feel you somewhere close.
I feel like a dreamer – can you read between the lines?
I’m a mysterious collection of rhythms and rhymes.

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.

Copyright © 2022 Renee Alter

Five Minutes at a Time

Sometime in June, I came down with something that affected my mind and emotions. I was so tired that I spent a lot of time in bed, isolated from the outside world, which didn't help. I had to do something I wasn't used to doing... asking people for help... which forced me into acknowledging I had people in my life I COULD ask for help. I've been trying to remember what it was like to just get into my vehicle and go somewhere by myself. These days, I want someone to go with me.

I finally purchased a loveseat for my living room I can lie down on during the day. There is more daylight streaming through double windows and my storm doors. 

It could have been a bought of adrenal fatigue because it followed being startled by a major disappointment, thunder, driving back from an event in the dark in two scary spots on the highway, and more. Anyway, I am still climbing back out of it again... mid-August.

How? Five minutes at a time. I got through yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and all the years before that. 

What can I do for five minutes?

Five minutes doesn't feel as overwhelming as getting through an entire day. Five minutes to prepare a meal. Five minutes to wash the dishes. Five minutes to read from a book. Five minutes to work on a jigsaw puzzle. Five minutes on social media. Five minutes to refill my water distilling machine. Five minutes to get into the shower (which inevitably lasts for 30 minutes). You get the idea.

At the end of the day, I celebrate that I got through it. When I wake up the next morning I celebrate that I made it through the night, especially if I had slept four-five hours straight.

I know I am not the only person dealing with grief, sadness, helplessness, and loss of purpose.  Before I sunk into this episode, I felt like I DID have a purpose. But then it all seemed to disappear. I knew this was typical of a depressive episode and would have to ride it out. 

In the meantime, I had been reading Joan Rosenberg's book 90 Seconds to a Life You Love: How to Master Your Difficult Feelings to Cultivate Lasting Confidence, Resilience, and Authenticity.

I recognized that I didn't want to face the unpleasant feelings I was dealing with. I didn't know how to let them rise to the surface so I could deal with them. Being sick and bedbound didn't allow me to do my usual activities of distraction. I think I lived with all of this for at least three weeks. The only bodily sensation I felt was nausea on top of sneezing, congestion, and fatigue.

Rosenberg states the eight common unpleasant feelings include: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and vulnerability. She also used the term soulfully depressed... the result of feeling disconnected from yourself. These are also 'ingredients' to disguised grief. The first thing that came up for me was all the times in the past I had been sick, bedbound, alone, and isolated. However, I also had to acknowledge that I am a lot healthier now than I used to be... even though I occasionally still get sick. With the disappointment scenario, I sunk into ruminating about not being good enough, loveable enough... also known as self-love deficit... which I also knew was no longer true.

Dr. Rosenberg created The Rosenberg Reset™ in which you allow one or more of these feelings into your consciousness for 90 seconds... because that is all it takes to face them and dissolve them. One is supposed to notice where in their body they feel sensations. Perhaps the 'distraction' is counting to 90.

Even though I wrote up a previous list of what I wanted to create in my life, I started a new one... two weeks ago. Even though I have made previous gratitude lists, I started a new one. Feel free to use this content to create your own list.

HEALTH-STRENGTH-VITALITY: What it FEELS like to be strong and healthy. Keep myself healthy while I wait for what I am ALLOWING to flow to me. Prepare healthy meals and exercise (even 5 minutes at a time).

EMOTIONAL: Connection, belonging, confidence, joy, quality companionship (emotional support, understanding, shared interests and values), helpers, safety and security, and meaningful conversations. The courage to climb above past introvert tendencies.

PURPOSE: Being here when someone needs a person to talk to. Volunteering for non-profits, meaningful work, raise my vibration. (My younger sister reminded me I only need to do this one notch to notice a difference.)

VISIONS & DREAMS: I live where all the right people can find me. People reading my books and my blog... and sharing with others so they read my books and blog. What it feels like to work with a psychologist who opens a center here... and has a lot of articles and manuscripts that need to be completed. Abundance.

EVENTS: (for authors): Perfect, comfortable transportation (and companionship) including drivers.

SOCIAL: Visits from non-profit people. Open mic nights for fellow poets, writers, and musicians. I AM cultivating friendships with people I already know and visualizing new people coming into my life. I am waiting for new neighbors to move in who provide what I listed under EMOTIONAL.

LOOK FOR THE EVIDENCE OF EVERYTHING WORKING OUT FOR ME. The first week of August, I had callers and visitors daily -- even from two people I hadn't heard from in a long time... a very unusual occurrence for me. One of these people came to pick up something I had done for someone else who came the day before (postcards to remind gardeners of our annual meeting). He reminded me that when two or more people are gathered in His name, results happen. I wasn't the only one praying for results (wheelchair accessibility for the community garden). He reminded me that just existing gives me purpose. He projected me as being so much more than what I had projected for myself. New people I am interested in networking with joined our community garden.

One day at a time. Five minutes at a time.

What are ways you cope with difficult days?

Ripples

Ripples in the YMCA pool.

There's a lot going on in my life and in the world that has dragged me down into a depressive mood. However, just when I think I have hit bottom, all the right words show up again to lift me out of the hole I tend to fall into. 

Grief is one of the ingredients. I got attached to two different people who did not stay in my life. Only the gifts they brought did. One of the gifts those two people gave me was doses of fun and play. When they left, it activated attachment wounds and unhealed abandonment. On June 20, I made a list of all the ages I suffered from these wounds in rhyme to process what I was feeling and titled it Parts of Me. (Based on IFS-Internal Family Systems.) The last four lines came as a surprise. 

She’s the age she is and every age she ever was - all parts of her identity.

Looking for purpose in all the experiences, feeling like an unsolved mystery.

Should anyone like to be a detective and peel all the layers away,

You might just find a five-year-old who just wants to go out and play.

Sadness is another ingredient. I caught glimpses of human rights being stripped away. Vaccine mandates, another school shooting, Roe vs Wade. I read somewhere a simple solution for birth control is to give all males vasectomies which are reversible. There seems to be both pros and cons to every solution. I feel the disharmony in the world caused by the conflicts. Being an empath is no fun.

Fatigue is another ingredient. My whole body aches when I am fatigued. I've been doing a lot more on my own without help with daily chores. I drove an hour each way to go to an event last night with 400 in attendance. Double whammy. The drive and the emotions/feelings of 400 people. I remind myself that fatigue has always contributed to depression.

Loneliness. On June 23, one of my sisters sent me a link to a Ross Rosenberg video. I learned the term Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs Codependency. That definitely explains things with the added hope of achieving Self-Love Abundance. I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It's part of being an introvert. Here's more information: 

https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/self-love-deficit-disorder

This morning, I got up to use the bathroom, put food out for the colony of feral cats I feed, swallowed a serving of PerfectAmino with a glass of water, and went back to bed.

I remembered that nothing in life is permanent. Maybe if I stay in bed for a while, the mood will pass. I remember from various things I've listened to that it is better to climb into the dark places and acknowledge them than to avoid them. If you climb into them, you'll be able to get through them much quicker.

Michael Beckwith in his book Life Visioning stresses the importance of meditation, including staying with and observing all of what I mentioned above.

One of many of Donna Eden's energy medicine routines is placing one hand over your forehead with your thumb and fingertips on opposite sides of your temples and your other hand over your solar plexus. I did this with the intention of sending love to my inner child(ren). I was surprised by what happened.

I saw downtown Los Angeles which became symbolic of my grief, sadness, and fatigue. I used to live in Orange County, CA. During the week I worked as an administrative assistant in a 14-story building (surrounded by people but felt alone). On many weekends, I drove to one of two canyons - Silverado or Modjeska, a beautiful drive. Silverado had a small library I enjoyed going to, and Modjeska had a small wildlife sanctuary. With this visualization, I felt my mood shift, and I climbed out of bed.

Next, I saw an email by Living WELL Aware with the link to the website. I almost deleted it, but then thought it might be related to what I was dealing with. And it was! Even Dr. Sulak was experiencing something similar. 

Does it appear that we can have two identities? There’s the one that is optimistic, at peace, full of joy, compassionate. ... We are in our RIGHT Brain, sometimes referred to as our Sage/Inner Spirit. That part of our brain that is present to the moment, in tune with our senses. But how often do we find ourselves in the “other” world: pessimistic, discouraged, negative, living in blame and shame, feeling inadequate? Our LEFT Brain, our survival brain, is running the show, looking for what is wrong, recalling negatives of the past or worried about the future.

https://livingwellaware.gabbarthost.com/343956_2

Next, I listened to today's Mile Hi Church service on YouTube. When it ended, it rolled over into the previous week's service. Rev. Michelle Medrano's sermon included what her childhood was like, believing she had to suppress her feelings and emotions... just like I had. I listened to it again. It is titled Atlas of the Heart, based on the book written by Brene Brown. I would really like to take the course they are offering in July on The Inner Childhood Journey, but it is being held in Colorado.

https://youtu.be/egBU-VfwWBg

You may be wondering why I included the photo of ripples in the water. It reminds me that life is ever-changing, ever-moving. The ideal mindset is to strive not to get attached to any one thing such as joy or pain because one moment they are here and the next they have moved on. That without contrast, we wouldn't experience the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. So much to digest. So much to process. I crave the peace that these teachers have. One step at a time. One wave at a time.

6-30-22 Update:

Amazingly, Wednesday night's Heart-Mind-Soul Recovery group topic was Creative Power. We get two questions to answer. 

1. Where might you change your thinking in order to create a new reality?

2. Think of your creative power as a pebble tossed in the water, creating ripples. What would those ripples create?

Ripples!!! How eery!

In group, we go around with each person speaking for about two minutes. What did everyone talk about? The very topic of this blog post. I was amazed. And I also wondered... how much of what I am experiencing is mine and how much is everyone around the planet?

PerfectAmino

It's been a year since I began taking PerfectAmino by BodyHealth. PerfectAmino has been a game-changer for me. Prior to taking this supplement, my muscles were suffering from the effects of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. One of the two holistic health practitioners I work with found out about this product from her niece who is also a holistic health practitioner. Word gets around!

The first thing I did was go to their website. Scroll down on the page, and you'll see that the pdf of the book is available for a free download. After I read it, I purchased a paperback copy. I know there are other formulas of amino acids out there, but after reading the book, I was convinced this is the best one.

DR. MINKOFF'S BOOK, "THE SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT PROTEIN" HAS THE KEYS TO SOLVING WEIGHT LOSS, DEPRESSION, FATIGUE, INSOMNIA, AND OSTEOPOROSIS

https://bodyhealth.com/products/the-search-for-the-perfect-protein

PA (PerfectAmino) promotes muscle repair and recovery as well as promotes a stronger immune system. It is predigested which is what I needed due to esophagitis issues interfering with my ability to digest protein and fat. It comes in both powder and capsules. I absolutely do not like stevia, so I got the capsules. Yes, it takes five of them for a single serving. I swallow one at a time while saying 'thank you for healing my body.' 

The first two weeks I took this supplement, I felt really tired. I laid down for cat naps throughout the day. They have a Facebook group for people who take this supplement, and I saw that this was a normal response for your body while the amino acids begin the repair process.

Then I noticed my muscles actually feeling stronger, especially in my arms. I don't remember ever having that sensation before. In addition to that, I had been back in a wheelchair since the middle of 2018 after jarring my lower back twice. About six months after I began taking PA, I noticed the muscles in my legs becoming stronger, enabling me to stand a little longer and walk across the room. Damaged nerves seemed to be healing, too.

Meanwhile, my right foot and ankle had been swelling for several years. My doctor had told me it was due to veinous insufficiency, improper functioning of the vein valves, causing swelling and skin changes. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly completely cleared up after taking this supplement. Apparently, in addition to amino acids strengthening so many other parts of me (including my brain), it also strengthened my veins.

In September of last year, three months after I started taking this supplement, I got blood labs done. Imagine my surprise when I saw that my triglycerides went from 242 down to 112.

BodyHealth has a Facebook group where you can get community support for anything related to taking this product. There are additional groups if you are an athlete or interested in losing weight.

It is best to order direct from bodyhealth.com (vs Amazon) as they offer regular promotions. You get a code to give your friends and family so they get 20% off their first order. Whenever you write a review (and they give you regular opportunities to do so) and share it on social media, they give you a $25 coupon. Here's my code https://prz.io/LoEy3d4iN

You cannot use more than one promotion-coupon code, but I was told I could purchase gift cards with my points which I can use in addition to a coupon code.

Angel

Years ago, I found this ceramic angel at a thrift store. When I moved to my next apartment, one of her wings broke off. I tried to glue it back on, but it wouldn't hold. I broke off the other one and sadly threw both of them away.

In the meantime, I was dealing with upper back pain. One day, when I was looking at my angel, I began to wonder if I had wings that were torn off.

Throughout my life, I have suffered numerous incidents of trauma. Eventually, when I was introduced to Facebook, I discovered a LOT of people have. And many of these people, including Teal Swan, were traveling the world helping other people recover from these experiences. Dolores Cannon became another person I listened to... about being a volunteer.

My question to you is if you realized you were an angel who came to earth to help other people, especially the ones who believed they were unlovable and unworthy, knowing you'd have a difficult assignment, knowing that your heart would be broken numerous times, would this change the outlook and perspective of your experiences?

It did mine. 

You see, I found myself wallowing in self-pity about being rejected (abandoned) again - a repetitive pattern throughout my life. A new man had moved into my apartment complex and began what appeared to me as making up excuses to come over and visit me, then stay for several hours. He'd always tell me if I needed help with anything to let him know. I had no experience with men doing this purely for platonic reasons and got attached. 

Then at the next social event, I casually mentioned I think I am an angel and that my wings were torn off, so I needed new wings (hoping he would make some for me). I expected him to shrug this off as being silly, but instead, he told me to look up Willy Nelson's song, Angel Flying Too Close To the Ground. I added it to Watch Later on YouTube.

When I watched it the following day, I cried. If this song was the only reason I was to meet him, it is enough.

https://youtu.be/C3PB1jWO3_E

I then read some comments under the YouTube video. Apparently, it also has meaning to those who have lost loved ones to death. 

I thought about the people I know who lost loved ones.

I thought about the parts of me that had died. Can I learn to heal my own wings?

I thought about all the times I was hurt and abandoned, and how much I lost as a result of broken love affairs, including most of my belongings. I didn't understand why the men who weaved their way into my life seduced me and disappeared. 

This beautiful man I felt an attraction to told me he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship after I confessed how I felt. Then he decided it was best to avoid me. Note, I did not use the word love, but it didn't matter. We all jump to conclusions, don't we? While I wanted to know what his conclusions were, I didn't ask. 

Perhaps if I thought about it from the perspective of being an angel, with many people to help, I can be content with serving a higher purpose in their lives.

With a higher purpose in mind, I returned a few weeks later to tell him I apologize for jumping to conclusions, and I mainly wanted him to know that he made a significant difference in someone's life - mine. The lower road was to be angry, the higher road was to be grateful for what I got out of it - including being catapulted into another growth spurt. If he hadn't pushed me away, I wouldn't have pursued the programs that began to show up.

I went to work revisiting the traumas I had stuffed down and built a brick wall around. A program related to my situation, facilitated by Sheleana Aiyana, Spiritual Counsellor and Founder of Rising Woman, appeared in my Facebook feed. Because it was affordable, I signed up for it. Shay described my entire life just in the introduction. 

Then I consulted with Ambika who did a ThetaHealing session on me, after telling me my organ of resonation is my spleen - that I attract men who have been abandoned. No wonder. She cleared out some old programming and replaced it with new 'designer software.' She also recommended the book Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northup, M.D. where I discovered why I got involved with the men of my past - both energy vampires and narcissists. Just like Shay of Rising Woman, Christiane described my entire life as well. Even as a successful surgeon, she dealt with the same issue. It appears this situation is a common one.

Naive empaths such as myself want to believe in the good of everyone and the potential of a person vs who they actually are. With our big hearts and compassion, we overlook the 'red flags' and get sucked into abusive life-sucking relationships - with both males and females - and not just romantic ones. Energy vampires can 'smell' us from a mile away. These relationships can leave us with symptoms of chronic pain and autoimmune illnesses, both of which I endured. Fortunately for me, I didn't stay in any of the romantic ones for more than four years. I didn't stay in employments with one for more than a year.

There are many related programs popping up for me to look at now. In my pursuit of self-development, I want to do ALL of them, but this isn't realistic. Instead, I am dreaming of meeting a trauma-informed psychologist who will open a Transformational Recovery Center (a name I made up) I can co-run with them, and get access to all the different therapies that we invite in as well as support groups and fundraisers, like concerts, to cover the cost for those who can't pay.

Dreaming big!

The Magic Question

Last week at our monthly bingo and birthday party gathering, I found out I qualified for a free CaptionCall phone which would connect via Bluetooth to my cellphone and set up an appointment. Because the installer ended up with ten appointments on the appointed day, he called to see if I was available yesterday (Saturday). I was.

The man who arrived was about my son's age, built like a marine with a strong muscular physique. Just after he entered my apartment, I asked him this question. 

"What inspired you to get into this line of work?"

I was all ears as I listened to his fascinating story.

The young man was from Puerto Rico and had been in FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) for five years but needed a break... a break from removing lifeless, charred bodies from disaster sites. Through contacts he had, he secured a job with the federal government installing CaptionCall phones and teaching people how to use them. He had to study for a number of certifications.

The process took longer than expected. A 30-minute installation grew into 90 minutes, as he ran into a unique situation. I didn't have enough speed on my cellphone service to transmit the captions. He decided to add a hotspot device he had with him which needed to be plugged in near the phone. Then he had to call customer service because the captioning didn't work, and instead of only being on hold for two minutes, he was on hold for over six minutes before he gave up. I found out we had something in common... we expect people to do what they say they are going to do. He muttered about employees goofing off at work instead of doing their jobs. It must come from being in FEMA where every second counts.

I offered him a glass of cold water which he gulped down within seconds. While he was on hold, I asked another question. 

"Do you live nearby?" He said Killeen. He also told me of many other places he lived while he was with FEMA. I asked him what he does when he isn't working. He breeds dogs.

Well, I am known for networking. Anca's Animal Ark Sanctuary floated into my mind. I had met her when I was in Toastmasters, I told him all about the sanctuary, rescuing pit bulls from euthanization at shelters, networking with rescues all over the country, her background with everything else she has accomplished, and wrote all the information down. I hope they get to meet. I know they would be a tremendous asset to each others' life goals.

Back to the CC phone, I found out it can be programmed for your specific hearing needs, and I had the document needed to do this. If my hearing aid wears out before I am able to get a new one, the phone is programmed for my hearing needs.

For more information about CaptionCall, go to https://captioncall.com/

8/20/22 Update: Since I don't have the option to answer with my cell phone when it is connected to the CaptionCall phone via BlueTooth, and I can hear fine with my cell phone, I decided to return this. Packing it back into the box it came from didn't work, but I called them. They shipped me a larger box. It was a nice idea!

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

 

This last week, I've been listening to AVAIYA University's Overcoming Childhood Trauma series with 35 trauma experts and therapists. I identified with the parts concept. I also found a video by Teal Swan on the topic of Loneliness - caused by rejecting the parts of ourselves we didn't want anything to do with like fear, shame, anger, rage, and more. We lock them away.

On page 36 of a book I started to read (for the second time), God is a Verb: Kabbalah and the Practice of Mystical Judaism, Rabbi David Cooper wrote:

"Assuming each individual is a composit of many subpersonalities, each time we express a part of ourselves in reality as we know it, our counterpart is being activated in other realities. The lover is there, the conniver, the little child, the judge, our inner strengths, and our inner weaknesses." 

Subpersonalities - another term for parts. 

I read The Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions by Dr. Bradley Nelson and downloaded their free pdf file which includes charts so I can experiment with this method on myself. It involves using muscle testing which I am already familiar with. I have been doing the 5-minute sequence of Eden Medicine exercises. I read Soul Mind Body Medicine by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha, and he includes a divine numbering system. Louise Swartswalter, one of the speakers in the trauma series, offers what appears to be a combination of these, and it seems that many of the trauma therapists have created unique methods by pulling from a variety of what already exists.

Meanwhile, I ordered the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz, PhD and put several other books on my Amazon Wishlist. I received Schwartz's book today.

Then I entered parts in the search bar of my blog. In 2019, I wrote Parts: Internal Family Systems.

I don't know if it is possible for me to remember what I've processed, listened to, read, and wrote about in past years. I love having the search option in my blog and book files to find out. I'm sure I must have the following information filed somewhere in the supercomputer of my brain.

As far back as being in the womb, we can become terrified of dying if our core survival needs are not met. I've known for a number of years now that I have issues with abandonment. Now I know the extreme of abandonment is, 

"I will die if I am left alone to fend for myself."

Some parents have adopted the style of teaching babies to self-soothe - alone. They need to sleep. They have to get up in the morning to go to work. Imagine you are the baby left alone in a crib without the skills to get a drink if you are thirsty or to be held when you're scared.

"I will die if I am left alone."

Instead of self-soothing, you scream louder. You get yourself worked up until your inner survival instincts take over, and you disconnect.

Our defense mechanisms allow us to disconnect from those emotions, but they become embedded in our body. They get filed away into subpersonalities. They affect our immune system. They affect our temperament. We suffer from PTSD every time a situation arises that reminds us of those terrifying moments. 

"I will die if I am left alone." 

We can become terrified of our mother's fears. We bring these fears into our DNA from previous generations.

And then we wonder why people, including ourselves, have meltdowns. 

"I don't feel safe right now. I'm going to die. Since I'm going to die, I'll kill you first - with words, with my fist, with my gun."

Get a group of people together who don't feel safe and wars break out like the one right now between Russia and Ukraine.

It doesn't matter how good your home life was, you will still be affected by this fear. 

The bad news is no one escapes being traumatized. The good news is, there are tools you can learn to deal with it. I am thirsty to learn what these tools are. 

There are numerous ways to tap into the 'parts' of ourselves that were scarred by the trauma we endured and find a sense of safety. A kitchen sink soup full. Information overload full. 

Now I will read a few more books.