Sunday, November 21, 2021

Waterfall

Gorman Falls

November 13, 2021, Shower Meditation

I closed my eyes to meditate this morning and immediately saw a rushing river… which led to the edge of a waterfall… cascading over the edge to plummet into the depths below. I opened my eyes.

What is the message?

And that one little vision expanded into all the rest of this.

I had been feeling pressured by time. It was just January, and now it is November. I just turned another year older even though it just feels like a number.

There are days when my river of tasks is slow - when I focus on getting through five minutes at a time as addictive busyness had taken a toll on my ability to being okay with doing nothing.

And there are days when time is much faster - when suddenly I realize I need to shut everything down and get ready for bed.

Where'd the day go? Did I do what really matters in the long run? Will my accomplishments of today matter a year from now? If not, what do I want to do differently tomorrow?

There are the life lessons that say to flow with the current vs. struggling to swim or row against the current.

Am I flowing or resisting?

Am I allowing bouts of fatigue and being completely caught up on my writing and volunteer work to remind me to take breaks?

Am I holding on to thoughts and experiences like they are rocks along the river or leaving them behind and flowing around them?

And the question I sometimes ask myself - if my time on earth expires today, am I doing what really matters?

What does really matter?

Relationships.

It's the only thing I can take with me when I leave earth.

I find myself resisting taking the initiative to make the first move - the first leap over the edge of the waterfall - to connect with my granddaughter. My memories and conclusions about these memories are the rocks I grab during the journey out of fear that I might drown. What exactly am I afraid of? Rejection?

She'll be 9 in January. I've only seen her in person twice, the last time five years ago. I've been waiting for the day she is old enough to call me on her own or even ask her parents to call so she can talk to me. Or longer… the day she is old enough to visit me. And when she is, will she?

What if she is as self-conscious as I am when talking to a stranger? She only knows me by name. I sense her bashfulness when her father occasionally video calls me while she is sitting on his lap. I reminisce about my preference to have words on paper I can reread again in the future vs. relying on memory to hold onto the content of conversations.

I reminisce about my friends who spend time with their children and grandchildren without a second thought. Why is my situation different?

I'm even self-conscious about calling her father - the son I gave birth to in 1983. Somehow, time got away from us. We have both gone through a metamorphosis, and it seems like we are strangers to each other. He's not one to write emails or letters. He's not one to start a chat via text except on a rare occasion. He's in love with his daughter and fatherhood, apparently consumed by every available moment when he is not at work to be with her. I understand. I did that once, too. It doesn't change the yearning I have to talk to him or get a note from him. For the most part, it's his amazing, beautiful wife who nudges him when it's my birthday or Mother's Day. And if she didn't post snippets on Instagram Story, I wouldn't see glimpses of their lives.

Thus, in the theme of the waterfall, watching time rush by, I paused to write my granddaughter a letter asking questions I hope she will write answers to - one I mailed to her with a postage stamp on it. I usually just mail cards and gifts on birthdays and holidays. 

Once upon a time, I had an aunt (one of my maternal grandmother's sisters) for a pen pal. Maybe we can become pen pals, too. 

I also wrote another digital letter in the document I plan to share with her when she is either 16 or 18.

The pool at the bottom of the waterfall is beautiful. But in order to experience it, I must let go and travel over the waterfall. Right?

Unless… there is a back way that I can hike in… something my niece discovered she could do one day.

Saturday, September 25, 2021

My Quest for Healing

Due to the amazing energy and improved strength I've gotten from a new product I began taking back in June - BodyHealth PerfectAmino, I've been busy writing and reorganizing a new book titled My Quest for Healing. I'm truly amazed as to how it all came together - and I'm convinced I had help from the spiritual realm. Here's a sneak peek at the cover and the introduction.


When I landed here in Texas November 2006, I had no idea it was the land of transformation where I would be assigned a new quest, put alone on a boat to be the captain of my own ship, and facing storms in a rough sea. I would also be docking on strange and unfamiliar land with rough terrain.

Ever since I had the supernatural experience in 2010, I’ve been on a quest to find out what happened and how to get back the amazing energy I had. The energy included the courage to pursue the path of doing big things that would contribute to improving world circumstances. I also wanted to know why I burned out and crashed.

While I was in the midst of the (manic) adrenaline high, I was able to walk again after being wheelchair dependent for five years – and unless I was experiencing an anxiety attack, I continued to do so until July 2018.

Seasons came and went. Chilly winters, luscious springs, sizzling summers, and the overnight arrival of fall. I read, I wrote, I watched, I listened, I paid attention.

Somewhere along the path of ‘stepping stones,’ I learned from Bruce Lipton that we have an estimated 50+ trillion cells in our bodies. I realized I don’t just make choices for ME; I make choices for WE. All 50+ trillion of us. I don’t just need to practice self-love and acceptance for ME, I must practice for US.

I became aware of how my mind and emotions affect the trillions of cells that make up my body. I wasn’t the only one feeling abandoned. All trillions of my cells did, too.

Realizing I am responsible for and the guardian of this huge universe of a body inspired me to do the mental health work, drink water, exercise, get adequate sleep, and avoid foods and other destructive habits that could hinder the function of these awesome 50+ trillion cells.

I knew I had to shift out of low self-worth and victim consciousness because my thoughts and beliefs were affecting the universe I call my body. And I was in awe of the connections I noticed in how the spiritual realm was orchestrating my growth. As Abraham-Hicks would say,

Everything is working out for me.

Look for the evidence.

In keeping logs and journals, I had a track record of evidence. I concluded there MUST be a grand outcome for it all.

But what?

In 2021, the psychic medium I consulted with told me, “You are meant to be patient on your path. If you rush through your path, you’ll be greatly disappointed in the outcome.”

Path?

What path?

This is when I realized the path was this quest.

Friday, July 16, 2021

Souvenirs

I just discovered I had not published this post from April 25, 2020.

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During this time of stay-at-home orders, I have used my imagination in various ways. One, if I was on a spaceship, I'd have to stay inside the entire time I was in space. I can pretend I am on a secret mission via boat or spaceship. I wrote in a previous post about Howl's Moving Castle -- turning a knob that opens the door to different places even when you never leave the castle. I can also do this each time I look at an object I share space within my apartment.

One of many self-therapies I do is practicing gratitude. This includes paying attention to each and every object in my home, bringing them to life vs. just sitting on a shelf, in a cabinet, on a wall, or in a draw. Many are souvenirs... reminding me of places I used to live or travel to. Some remind me of people I used to know. Here are some examples.

There is a three-foot square quilt my brother's wife made for me when she got into a quilting mood. It is hanging by the table I work at every day. When I look at it, I see in my mind their beautiful house and their land in Vermont... where I visited a very long time ago. I have a digital album of photos I took while I was there. My brother works at Simon-Pearce blowing glass, and many of the pieces adorn my windowsill and cabinet shelves. I can remember touring the facility. I can remember my surprise when I opened a box he sent me and saw he had twisted the stem of one of the long-stem glasses just for fun. One year, he created stain-glass... and sent me one of those... which lives on my front window sill.

There is a blanket with a sleeping kitten on my wall over a loveseat. It takes me back in time when I lived in an old motor home... which wasn't insulated. I consulted with my sister... the one who lives in Washington... about how she stays warm in the cabin they live in. She had told me they put blankets and comforters up over the windows in the winter. I hung this blanket over the window and wall by the bed I slept in. But that isn't all. A kitten I adopted... Snowflake... lay down in front of it one day on the bed in front of the blanket... with the exact same expression as the kitten on the blanket. Even though she is long gone, I can still see her on the blanket hanging on my wall as if she is actually there.


There is a fairy holding a flower on one of my bookshelves. My mother didn't know I had it. But one year, she sent me another one from the same collection. Now there are two.

There is a small Disneyland castle on one of my shelves. Once upon a time, so many years ago, I did get to go to both Disneyland and Disney World. I don't remember which one I got the castle at, and it doesn't matter.

There is a tiny seagull sitting on top of a clear box that has small seashells and stones in it. I remember growing up on the coast of Massachusetts... going for walks on the beach across the street... searching for treasures to bring home with me.

Just before the lockdown, I had reconnected with a long-time friend who began taking me for long rides for sight-seeing, grocery shopping at stores an hour or more away, art galleries, and more. We collected some souvenirs to bring home. Each time I look at one of these souvenirs, I feel like I am in those places again.

Sometimes, when I look at something that doesn't have meaning for me anymore, I decide to donate it... so someone else can enjoy it. I hope they are looking at these things with a similar sense of gratitude.

Friday, July 9, 2021

Wisdom of the Ages

Lately, I've been contemplating how all my past painful life experiences are now useful. They are the mist through the branches of my mind. They are like a reference book I can check back with whenever someone tells me about one of THEIR experiences. And because this has been happening more frequently, and I've been getting more practice, I realized it doesn't feel as scary anymore.

But it hasn't always been this way. The memory of a bad experience would be like a monster in the closet that appeared in the night, giving me an adrenaline rush of fear. I think perhaps I was my own monster. 

It just so happens that I recently read a B.J. Daniels' suspense novel titled From the Shadows - which contributed to my thoughts here. The murderer tells his most recent almost victim that an evil spirit was making him kill people. In an earlier scene, a young girl calls this evil spirit a monster. When I read that, I thought about the monster living in the closet of my mind. 

I can shrink the monster down to the size of a bug. I can use one of my bug catchers to transport it outside. No, in general, I don't kill bugs other than mosquitos, gnats, and an occasional ant. Even a bug-size monster - like a scary hornet - can go live somewhere else.

My young caregivers often share with me what is going on in their relationships and circumstances. After all, we spend a lot of time together. I can relate to them because I had similar experiences. And since I am now so much happier, I can validate them and encourage them with the steps I took to get here. I am reminded of how far I've come and how much I've grown over the years.

At first, the memories that came up felt uncomfortable (monsters in the closet of my mind). I was tempted to return them to their previous subconscious containers. I didn't WANT to look back there. Now it is suddenly clicking that the intense discomfort is no longer there. If I hadn't had those experiences, there would be no 'trauma bonding' with other people.

Once I ALLOWED the memories to come up, I felt the healing effect of connecting with another person. Perhaps this is why support groups are so successful. Empathy sprouts from having a similar experience such as the loss of a baby, abuse, fear, a child who grows independent long before you're ready for them to be, and/or an accident that changes your life. 

Meanwhile, as the compassion I feel toward my charges expands, I am learning to have compassion toward myself. In addition to reading that other book, I've been listening to the Sounds True Self-Acceptance series. I had no idea how many other people were dealing with what I had been dealing with. In addition to hearing once again the benefit of ALL emotions, I am hearing of numerous ways to befriend and soothe my inner self-critic(s). I am learning to accept the choices I made in the past that had poor results. 

I'm the one who judged the experiences. I'm the one who concluded I was broken and a throw-away. But because I had not known very many people, I had not realized how common this was.

I tried my hardest to earn love from others who used my compassion, my time, my energy, my paychecks, my credit, my body, then abused and rejected me. I had concluded I was worthless.

THEY were the ones who felt worthless - undeserving of love. I was the empath who connected to that but made the wrong conclusions. They had so much emotional pain stored inside their hearts, minds, and spirits. I mistakenly believed that offering love could heal that. I mistakenly believed they were capable of loving ME and filling the emptiness I felt. 

The best advice I give now is that no one else can complete you. No one else can fill you with the love you need. You must grow your own personal inner garden - focusing on feeding your own personal need for love. It takes time, but the divine love within you begins to grow and spread throughout your body, mind, and memories. You can imagine that this love comes from God, Jesus, Buddha, or others, but ultimately, it must come from inside of YOU.

Compassion. Kindness. For self. For all aspects of self.

As I was working on this draft, I opened to Page 192 of Thriving as an Empath: 365 Days of Self-Care for Sensitive People. The title? Stop Beating Yourself Up. I laughed at the not so random divine validation of what I was writing. 

The following day, I found this on Facebook by Love Wide Open: We learn something from everyone who passes through our lives. Some lessons are painful. Some lessons are painless, and some lessons are priceless. 

Friday, June 11, 2021

Broken Wings

One may never know the source of their health issues until they begin to explore the spiritual aspects of their past lives to get a glimpse of what they brought into their current one.

The ceramic woman below originally had wings. I can't remember where I found it. In one of many moves, one of the wings broke off. I sadly broke the other one off as well. But I couldn’t help but wonder… could the nagging pain in my upper back as well as the uncomfortable pin pricking sensation be because I used to have wings that had broken off?


Ordinarily, one could shrug all this off as hogwash… except the details coincide with what other energy healers have told me along with personal discoveries.

Bryan is a psychic medium and healer. In an online event, even over Zoom, he made eye contact with me and said, “Use your clairaudience. It’s your strongest.” I had to look up what clairaudience means. When you have a skill like this one or any other one, it feels normal to you. I didn’t know I had this ‘gift.’ It’s the reason I heard that voice telepathically that told me to go to the laundromat back in 2010.

This led to a few sessions with Bryan that included a general reading, a reading to discover who my spirit guides were (along with their names), and what some of my past lives were. I was curious, not expecting anything significant. Then I was amazed by what he told me when he matter of factly answered my list of questions with what I knew to be true. One of the questions I asked was if he could see if I had wings that had broken off. Yes, he did. (I wondered about the Nephilim of the bible... was I one of their offspring?) He also said the wound could be healed… energetically. 
 
Bryan would be telling me one thing and suddenly mention something else - like, “your heart was broken by a person of authority” and “your stuck belief is you are broken” which led me to wonder, once again, about broken wings. Perhaps without my wings, I felt powerless.  

In a past life session to explore the root of chronic throat irritation, Bryan said I had taken a vow of silence in a past life. I contemplated the silence I climbed inside of for so much of this life.

I then went to see Ambika and ask her about chronic throat irritation - a physical reason for it. Instead, she asked, “Would you like to explore the emotions behind this issue?”

“Sure, why not?”

Ambika has a whole list of talents and skills she acquired over the years, including ThetaHealing®. In this particular session, she said I had to swallow a lot of stuff (stress and abuse) in my life… and in past lives as well. Then she asked me if I can remember ever being strangled. No, I couldn’t… but the following day, I remembered feeling a sense of terror as I witnessed my father strangling my little brother in one of his temper flares. My mother did get him to let go, and when he realized how close he came to killing his child, he never did anything like that again. But I had to ‘swallow’ the experience just like I ‘swallowed’ so many other experiences. There was no one to talk to about it. I'm sure I concluded that if he did it to my brother, he could do it to me. Therefore, I am not safe. It's interesting that I developed intestinal pain from what was diagnosed as anxiety after that. 

As a child, I wasn’t allowed to speak up about anything and did, indeed, swallow it all… stuffing it down deep into my body. I've learned this is what bodies do to protect you. I continued to swallow many other situations such as abusive partners, bosses, medical procedures, and more.

I then had an additional session with Ambika to dig deeper. I was surprised when she picked up past lives that included some of what Bryan had told me. In the digging process, I identified the belief that I am a throw-a-way… in addition to the one that I am broken. This was followed by a ThetaHealing® session to pull these beliefs and replace them with new ones. 

Historically, people were absolutely brutal… especially to women... and unfortunately, some of this still exists today. Many of us believed we had no choice but to take the abuse... that we deserved the abuse. I thought about the wings of the ceramic woman I threw away. Maybe I should have kept them in a safe place.

I don’t discount three scenarios or messages in a row with similar information. Add a fourth scenario that happened just after readings from both Bryan and Ambika: the cat that showed up that had been attacked by something that left puncture wounds on his throat… resulting in an abscess that suffocated him. I didn’t see this as a random event. I have often felt like I was suffocating.

But this isn’t the end of the story. Once core beliefs and roots to illness and chronic pain are identified and brought to the surface, the next step is to learn the skills to manage them, transform them, and become empowered. One must learn to be their own superhero. I am working on it.

Saturday, June 5, 2021

D.E.A.D.

I just saw in the news that B.J. Thomas, one of my favorite musical artists, is dead at age 78. I don't know about you, but I don't like how when people pass on, they are declared DEAD. They passed away. Dead at age whatever sounds so final. So blunt. So insensitive. I prefer other words for dead such as: passed away, departed, or deceased... of which passed away or departed would be preferable to me. Those who have passed away or departed remain alive in our hearts, minds, and memories... therefore, they have not perished, they have departed... on a spiritual journey... and may we meet up with them again someday. I suppose it depends on your religious and spiritual beliefs.

Of course, there is shock, disbelief, and grief to process... especially when the passing is unexpected and they are no longer physically here to be with you or talk to you. Their passing may leave you alone and isolated. But since I rarely saw or talked to my deceased family members anyway, they still feel alive to me. I can feel my father and my brother whenever I think about them. And sometimes I can 'hear' their words when I am silent.

It was more difficult losing pets as I often felt powerless to save them. No one likes to feel powerless. It's an emotional trauma that can stick with you permanently. I wasn't there when Snowflake ran off and got hit by a car when she was a year old. I wasn't there when Poco got electrocuted while running from her overpowering brother when she was four years old. I wasn't there when Little Mama got impaled with something when she was four years old. It took a year for me to adjust after each of these occurrences. I also wrote stories about them to keep them alive in my memories. 

I found myself making up acronyms:

DEAD            Decided to End a physical life and become an Angel in Disguise.
DEAD            Detached from Earth And Disengaged.
DEAD            Distinguished, Enthusiastic, Animated, and Departed.
DEAD            Deported to the Energetic realm... the Afterlife of open Doors.


I love this Microsoft Windows photo. I feel like I am drawn into the divine light of eternity... that the window to the divine is always open. I can go in just by closing my eyes. When I 'depart,' this is where I am going. I hope no one declares me as 'dead' at age whatever. I'll live on in your hearts, minds, memories... and in all the books, letters, and newsletters I wrote. I'll be a once upon a time there lived a person named Renee... Latin for re-born. 

In this lifetime, I've been re-born each time I uncovered another layer to the parts of me I had killed off due to the inability to deal with the emotional components of trauma. I am discovering the origins of my deciding I am not safe in either my life or my body. Thus, here's another acronym:

DEAD: Decipher underlying beliefs, Engage in new aspects of life, find Antidotes to suppressed emotions, and Declare your intention to rise above and beyond it all.

The next job I apply for will be Guardian Angel for both humans and critters. In the meantime, I can pass on the wisdom I gain to someone who needs it.

And there's nothing like the soul connection I feel when I gaze into the eyes of a cat, squirrel, deer, or other animal... as though we recognize each other and know who we REALLY are.

Monday, May 31, 2021

Pieces of My Heart


Dried rosebuds... representing pieces of my heart... collected over the years... received from precious friends.

Each time I received some roses in a vase of flowers, I saved the buds. If I had to move and toss them, I'd start over again to collect more.

Memories... people I've known who have come and gone, leaving traces of their hearts with mine. 

An infant son once taught me what unconditional love felt like... before he transformed through stages of his own life to become a parent himself.

In order to experience loss, one must endure times of intense love. And I don't think anyone ever really gets over empty nest syndrome. 

However, when I needed additional care from home health attendants, new rosebuds arrived I never knew were possible. I suddenly had more 'children' to love.

One article I read says it takes 242,000 rose petals to distill approximately 5 mL of rose oil. I wonder how many rose petals are in a single bud. I don't want to take any of mine apart to count. I have rose bushes growing out in front of my apartment, but I don't want to take any of them apart either. In my mind, it's a symbolic thing.

I think I must have experienced 242,000 experiences that formed my heart. Thus, I collect rosebuds in a heart-shaped glass bowl to symbolize this.

And now it is the end of Memorial Day. After seeing a lot of social media posts, I know many of my friends and cousins are reminiscing about rosebuds of their own.

Here's a rosebud for you.