Project Recovery

Is it possible to recover? 

Unlike many people I know who have successfully been getting therapy of some kind, I've been seeking solutions on my own since 2010. Even though I was seeing words such as codependency and addiction, they weren't really sinking in. Even though I was reading a lot of books relating to mental health, I didn't feel like I was 'recovering'... until I began to find online support groups with the word recovery in them. The word recovery gives me a sense of hope where before I kept slipping back into feeling depressed, isolated, lost, and hopeless.

About two years ago, I found the first group, Spirituality in Recovery through Mile Hi Church in Colorado. My addictions include past use of pharmaceutical drugs, sugar, chocolate, work,  relationships, chaos, and ruminating on losing my ability to walk. This group meets every Wednesday night on Zoom. Each week, we have a different topic. I like the structure of topics. When I first started, I felt detached. Some weeks, I just sat back and listened. Most of the people in the group were recovering alcoholics... which I am not. I'm sure if I could tolerate alcohol, I would be. As time went on, I found I had more to share. I also participated in the Trauma Support Group for Women on the first Wednesday but then decided to focus on the previous group. Scroll down to Support Groups on https://www.milehichurch.org/prayer/

The Covid shutdown pulled the rug out from under me and a lot of other people. Some people 'recovered' quickly. Other people like me didn't; however, I was already used to being isolated... to a certain extent. Many organizations began using Zoom instead of meeting in person. I mentioned my challenges to the facilitator in the first group who suggested In the Rooms (ITR). 

On the ITR website, I found Codependency, Grief, and Relationships with Sophia Caudle. Dr. Sophia stated all addictions have their root in codependency... and that everyone is codependent in some way. I learned the term ambiguous grief. Examples are what I never had in childhood, the empty nest when my son didn't need me anymore at age 12, all the relationships that didn't work out (because I was codependent), all the 'homes' I lost along with the possessions, losing my ability to work due to chronic pain and illness, and struggling with taking care of myself on my own. Here's more information on ambiguous grief:

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/coping-with-ambiguous-grief

ITR also has Trauma and Recovery with Barbara Stromquist (uses Pete Walker's book COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving). One of the first things I discovered in the book was emotional flashbacks which described why I was waking up in the morning feeling abandoned and depressed. Unbeknown to me, I was dreaming about unpleasant situations and waking up in a state of emotions referred to as flashbacks. Once I got this figured out, the intensity of them faded away. Before going to sleep, I ask guardian angels to accompany me and protect me. Flashbacks don’t ever stop happening. You learn skills for managing them. People like Pete Walker and Peter Levine still deal with their stuff but teach the skills they learned in managing them.

In addition to the above two groups, ITR has one for Chronic Pain Anonymous. I was surprised to learn that a 12-step program was developed for this, too. The focus is on the emotional effects of what you are dealing with vs the actual details about your condition(s), doctors, treatments, etc. The main book used in this group is Recipe for Recovery. In this group, a member showed the weighted stuffed animal they use for emotional support. Thus, after much research, I settled on Benji (shown in the above photo). He weighs 5 lbs. 

Last, but not least, is CoDA.org. CoDA is an abbreviation for Co-Dependents Anonymous. Books used in this group include Co-Dependents Anonymous, the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook, and Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. After listening to people describe their dire circumstances, I felt some relief. Despite all of what I've dealt with, I am grateful I didn't have to deal with what they deal with. Two of the statements they use are:

"We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life." 

"No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous."

In addition to the above meetings, the facilitator I first mentioned has a recovery group through the Center for Spiritual Living, Manatee, Florida. She also has a discussion group for a book, currently The I of the Storm by Gary Simmons which meets twice a month.

Between attending the above meetings, I'd find inspiring information on Facebook and Instagram which I copy into my Journal Highlights book document. I am always amazed by the synchronicity and divine timing that I find them... validating what I hear in the various recovery groups. Here is one:

Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change. How do we begin to cope with loss that cannot be resolved? The COVID-19 pandemic has left many of us haunted by feelings of anxiety, despair, and even anger. In this book, pioneering therapist Pauline Boss identifies these vague feelings of distress as ambiguous loss. This is what we experience when a loss remains unclear and undefined, and thus lingers indefinitely. Now, with a pandemic that has upended the lives of people across the globe, we are collectively experiencing ambiguous loss – loss of trust in the world as a safe place and loss of certainty about our healthcare, education for our children, employment, and the rebuilding of our lives after so much loss. Here, you will find guidance for beginning to cope with this lingering distress, and even learn how this time of pandemic has taught us to tolerate ambiguity, build resilience, and emerge from crises stronger than we were before. https://a.co/d/bqvsfRS

Maybe I am too hard on myself, but I don't feel like I have built resilience yet. I am practicing taking one day at a time... and reminding myself to not give up. 

Who Am I?

Information overload. There is so much overlap between all of the following human characteristics I've been discovering about myself. In observing all these birds, I wonder if any of them wonder who they are. Are any of them comparing themselves with the others? Do any of them feel lost and alone even though they are in community with the others?

I felt overwhelmed with a flare of CPTSD (Complex PTSD) which I can at least understand after reading Pete Walker’s book with the same title and participating in online group meetings.

Add the characteristics of Myers-Briggs INFJ that I identify with: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

I found a good video about INFJs that explains why I struggle to connect with others which eased my mind. I got the following by clicking on the transcript for the video.

INFJs often face challenges due to their yearning for meaningful connections. Unlike those who are satisfied with small talk, INFJs crave conversations and relationships that go beyond the surface level. This innate desire for depth shapes how they navigate the complexities of connections. This can sometimes make them feel isolated because not many people truly comprehend the profoundness of their thoughts and emotions. The real challenge lies in finding individuals who can reciprocate this understanding and value. INFJs may find themselves outgrowing relationships that no longer align with their values or contribute to their well-being.

https://youtu.be/GV1ljIZccSI?si=nQi_Y9GrED6Tofn9

I found two Facebook groups for INFJs where I’ve been learning more about our challenges.

Add HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).

Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, is a term coined by psychologist Elaine Aron. According to Aron’s theory, HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/highly-sensitive-person

I also found Empaths Empowered, a blog by Diane Kathrine

https://theknowing1.com/

and Introvert Dear, a blog by Jenn Granneman

https://introvertdear.com/

Definitely: a complex inner life. As I wrote in Wrong Planet, I am complex and complicated, fractured and duplicated.

Add: Heyoka Empath – which I wrote about in the previous book, My Quest for Healing.

What a combination! How can I expect someone else to understand me if I can’t understand myself?

I do remember reading somewhere that it is normal for a person to go through different stages in life and not remember previous stages.

INFJ, Introvert, Heyoka Empath, HSP, codependent, grief, plus childhood and adult trauma (CPTSD)... the kitchen sink soup of characteristics that make up this human.

Me to Spirit: How can I obtain peace?

Spirit’s answer: Trust me. Life is not worth living without contrast and challenges.

Part of me is fine, part of me is not. I suppose I only know fine because I have the opposite to compare it to.

I am still searching for aspects of myself I buried over my lifetime.

With synchronicity, I began to read The SOUL of DESIRE. Curt Thompson, MD, wrote:

... underneath all our longings is the desire to be known.

In Chapter 4, Trauma and Shame, he wrote: 

We are a people of grief. In the presence of our desire to be known in order to co-create and become beauty with God and others, we often encounter instead a depth of grief and brokenness  that can make the hope of new creation seem like a cruel joke. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to tell us that grief is the painful emotion we experience in the face of losing something or someone to which we have meaningful attachment. It is no surprise, given the significance of our attachment and social engagement systems, that it will be painful to lose something that provides us with a sense of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure. But knowing this face doesn't make the reality of our loss any easier. // For all our desire, what we often experience is grief resulting from unmet longing. We grieve the loss of things we have had and sometimes the loss of things before we have even had them.

He also wrote about the importance of sharing our stories in group settings... which I began to do by discovering and participating in all the online support groups I've found on CoDA.org, intherooms.com, and uspainfoundation.org... which led to getting into a writing mode once again after a dry spell.