Forgiveness

Just after I completed writing My Quest for Healing, I invited the next portal of my development to open. What appeared was the topic of forgiveness. A chain of synchronicity occurred.

My youngest sister contacted us about getting all the reels of childhood home movies digitized by iMemories. Divine timing. I felt certain that watching myself as a child would be healing.

The videos were finally ready for viewing. I watched us laughing and having fun. I couldn't identify with the little me. Either I am a completely different person now or I compartmentalized all those memories, choosing to hold onto the traumatic ones.

Wisdom and knowledge tell me this is a normal response to survival. We, as humans, are hard-wired to survive, therefore we will hold onto the parts we need in order to survive. We had to remain alert to the possibility of danger - in case it struck again.

But I am watching cute, happy children. We clowned around while washing the VW bus that transported the eight of us, throwing fall leaves from a huge pile at each other, playing at the beach during the summer, shoveling snow, and throwing snow. Perhaps after watching them again, I'll be able to override the survival memories with these.

Then I got a phone call from Ivery, the Jewish Nigerian woman I produced a book for back in 2019. We hadn't talked to each other in about two years. After the introductory conversation, she asked me what books I am reading. I told her I am reading Becoming an Empowered Empath, which suggests my lower chakras may be closed. She said it is about forgiveness, did a forgiveness prayer with me, and recommended additional books to read. I found two of them used for about a dollar on Amazon and ordered them. Lead Me, Holy Spirit by Storme Omartian and Soul, Mind, Body Medicine by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha. She also suggested that I write healing words on the outside of the bottle of water I drink from, infusing the water with the power of healing just like Dr. Emoto recommended. In a small world, she had personally visited his lab during her travels.

The next chapter I read in Becoming an Empowered Empath was about forgiveness. I even wrote a chapter on forgiveness in my book. I also read about forgiveness in Mitch Albom’s book Have a Little Faith and The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu.

Dr. James Mercer is running for Justice of the Peace in my town and has been in social media posts, along with his best-selling book, Secrets & Shame. I found it at my local library and read it within 48 hours. The only reason I was able to read about his horrific childhood is because he is smiling in every photo I've seen of him on social media. He owns three funeral homes, Lonestar Social Services, and is running for office. As I read his book, I felt gripped at the edge of my seat, wanting to know how he got from where he was to where he is now. Forgiveness. I contacted him and plan to meet him in person soon. I want to talk to him about his process of forgiveness that enabled him to let go of his past to get to where he is now. I think about how he was able to push through the abuse he endured to focus on protecting and taking care of his mother and younger siblings. A true warrior. He is Jewish and had a female rabbi as a mentor.

With that in mind and what Ivery had been telling me, I felt drawn to pull Rabbi David Cooper's book God is a Verb off my shelf and open it to a random page. Then I went to the index to look for the word forgiveness. There were several sections on the topic plus a number of guided meditations, including one for archangels. I read, once again, that the Reiki prayer was the traditional Jewish bedtime prayer. I had written it down on an index card for Reiki but moved it to the basket by my pillow to read at night before bed.

In addition to forgiveness, I thought about finding a new friend. Yesterday, I called a woman I had never met about the cats she got TNRd (trapped-neutered-released) to ask about which records she still needed. We ended up in a 100-minute conversation. I think I just found this new friend! Both of our middle names are Sue. She mentioned she grew up on the East coast which turned out to be the next state over from where I grew up. Then she mentioned moving to California, which turned out to be the next city over from where I lived. We have similar health challenges. We're close in age. They live on her husband's disability. I knew about resources she didn't know about. She moved here per her son's recommendation. So did I. We discovered we had similar beliefs on many topics and had similar experiences feeling like we don't belong here as, for the most part, people here are mostly white, the same religion, and set in their ways. As I listened to her talk, I was able to share everything I have since discovered and the people I've met who do align with our beliefs. I left her encouraged, and I'm sure we'll be visiting again soon. I plan to connect her to some of the people and resources I told her about. I love being a connector. And I hope I provided some energy of forgiveness to some of her bitter ones.

This morning, in Reiki meditation (was doing Reiki on myself), I visualized us 50+ trillion cells letting go of trauma memories and being infused with courage and unconditional love. After all, 'we' have a brand new body. It's just memories that hold us back. By the end of my Reiki session, in a racing mind episode, a lifetime of memories flooded into my consciousness, including experiences, books I read, books I wrote, conversations I had with people and my spiritual committee, and the numerous things I have listened to - just like the sewer that backed up into my bathtub one day.

Them: "Hello! We're still here! We just want a little attention, that's all. Just a little attention. Then you can rinse us all away, sterilize with bleach, and have a clean tub again. You're the one who thinks we are made of glue, but we are the consistency of fluid - just passing through to say hello."

Me: "Must you all come at the same time?"

Them: "We are not made of glue, but we like to stick together."

I remembered the woman I met who called herself Seven telling me Jesus died on the cross for us, it isn't my job. Now there is a woman who calls herself Ivery telling me I still have to work on forgiveness. Both are courageous, powerful females. I think Seven is Nigerian, too. Both have Shamanic insight.

Ivery got me thinking about all the books I had read that included the topic of forgiveness. Mitch Albom's book Have a Little Faith. Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu's book The Book of Joy. James' book. I even wrote about it in my books, including what Louise Hay said about viruses.

The life cycle for me is forgetting what I already processed, wrote about, and finding it again as if I am seeing it for the first time. Thanks to technology, all I have to do is type a word or phrase in the search bar. I typed the word forgive in my blog's search bar.

June 3, 2011. Working on My Emotions. The words that stood out were the battleground of my mind pertaining to racing thoughts.

May 18, 2015. Coincidences and Serendipities. I included Dr. Len's Hooponopono.

February 4, 2018. Old Movies. I just watched all the old movies of my childhood for real vs. what I had been watching through traumatized memories.

June 27, 2020. I posted the introduction to my book Personal Journal & Recipes for Healthy Living. I'll have to revisit this book again.

It is below freezing this morning. The first freeze of the year. Although I can visualize freezing the uncomfortable memories, I know they will thaw out again. I had even written a poem titled "Freeze-Dried Memories."

I’ve been awake since 4:30 this morning, processing all of this during the last three hours. Time to climb into my clean tub and get on with my day.

January 12, 2022 update.

A treasure of a book found me in the used book section of a library titled Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness by Dr. Fred Luskin. I love the concept of renting space in your mind to negative thoughts about others who have hurt us in some way. He adds how we blame others for what happened to us and create a grievance story about it. Next comes the steps for how to shift from being a victim to being a hero - recovering from what happened to us and transcending to being an example to help others. I am also reading The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore by Alan Cohen at the same time. In a moment of synchronicity, I opened Dragon to the next chapter after reading more of Forgive. They both covered the topic of forgiveness.

My Quest for Healing

Due to the amazing energy and improved strength I've gotten from a new product I began taking back in June - BodyHealth PerfectAmino, I've been busy writing and reorganizing a new book titled My Quest for Healing. I'm truly amazed as to how it all came together - and I'm convinced I had help from the spiritual realm. Here's a sneak peek at the cover and the introduction.

When I landed here in Texas November 2006, I had no idea it was the land of transformation where I would be assigned a new quest, put alone on a boat to be the captain of my own ship, and facing storms in a rough sea. I would also be docking on strange and unfamiliar land with rough terrain.

Ever since I had the supernatural experience in 2010, I’ve been on a quest to find out what happened and how to get back the amazing energy I had. The energy included the courage to pursue the path of doing big things that would contribute to improving world circumstances. I also wanted to know why I burned out and crashed.

While I was in the midst of the (manic) adrenaline high, I was able to walk again after being wheelchair dependent for five years – and unless I was experiencing an anxiety attack, I continued to do so until July 2018.

Seasons came and went. Chilly winters, luscious springs, sizzling summers, and the overnight arrival of fall. I read, I wrote, I watched, I listened, I paid attention.

Somewhere along the path of ‘stepping stones,’ I learned from Bruce Lipton that we have an estimated 50+ trillion cells in our bodies. I realized I don’t just make choices for ME; I make choices for WE. All 50+ trillion of us. I don’t just need to practice self-love and acceptance for ME, I must practice for US.

I became aware of how my mind and emotions affect the trillions of cells that make up my body. I wasn’t the only one feeling abandoned. All trillions of my cells did, too.

Realizing I am responsible for and the guardian of this huge universe of a body inspired me to do the mental health work, drink water, exercise, get adequate sleep, and avoid foods and other destructive habits that could hinder the function of these awesome 50+ trillion cells.

I knew I had to shift out of low self-worth and victim consciousness because my thoughts and beliefs were affecting the universe I call my body. And I was in awe of the connections I noticed in how the spiritual realm was orchestrating my growth. As Abraham-Hicks would say,

Everything is working out for me.

Look for the evidence.

In keeping logs and journals, I had a track record of evidence. I concluded there MUST be a grand outcome for it all.

But what?

In 2021, the psychic medium I consulted with told me, “You are meant to be patient on your path. If you rush through your path, you’ll be greatly disappointed in the outcome.”

Path?

What path?

This is when I realized the path was this quest.

Adventures in Medicine

I am self-proclaimed OCD when it comes to an obsession with words and spending hours-days-weeks typing them up in the correct order so everything makes sense--rereading what I wrote many many times because I can’t remember what I wrote. I have self-published many books that few people read but maybe they will one day. In the meantime, I like having them like an artist has their art.

I now have an Amerigroup Medicare Advantage HMO plan that gives me access to much more than I had access to on Traditional Medicare. The first thing I did was look into switching over to the Seton Clinic and their network of providers.

And each time I have an appointment with a doctor or other practitioner, especially a new one, knowing I don’t have much time for the visit, I hand them a typewritten report. If I have multiple visits with different doctors/practitioners, I type a different report for each one of them. Some people just write down the questions they want to ask on paper, I type a report that includes known conditions, my symptoms, the purpose of the visit, and my specific requests.

I will report to you on the appointment I had with my new PCP last Tuesday--who I think is amazing. The first thing he did was walk up to me, shake my hand, smile, and say, “Hi, I’m Corey, it’s nice to meet you.” I’ve never had a doctor do that. But he’s not a doctor, he’s a nurse practitioner. The best doctor I ever had when I lived in California was an NP. Corey spent over 30 minutes with me. When my blood pressure was taken with him in the room (and shot up to 200--IKES!), he asked if I had white coat fever--YES--and apologized for not taking off his white coat.

First, I complained that my left ear and left side of my face had been feeling congested, and the sound of my own voice was muffled. He identified my left ear had so much impacted wax, he couldn’t see my eardrum. I was instructed to soften it up and return in two days to get it cleaned out... which I did... and I feel much better.

Second, I’d been dealing with wicked sore throats for longer than I can remember and difficulty swallowing for over two months. I thought maybe I had mono again or it was allergies, but he asked me if I ever was diagnosed with esophagitis. He said the esophagus goes all the way up the throat. My eyes went wide as I remember that in 2006, I was diagnosed with an eroded esophagus. He asked if I ever had a 5-year follow up. Didn’t know I was supposed to and didn’t realize I’d have to keep babying it. I am getting a referral to a gastroenterologist to get a current endoscopy.

Third, I have really dry eyes, dry mouth, and dry throat which I had been previously blaming on the medications used to take, followed by my CPAP machine. He asked me if I had been tested for Sjogren’s. Nope.

Fourth, just the same, I had found out I could continue to go the same sleep specialist/cardiologist if I get a referral for a continuation of care. When I got home, because I now know I have esophagitis, I Googled CPAP and esophagitis. Lo and behold, CPAP machines can blow air down the esophagus if there is something dysfunctional which is called aerophagia. It was obvious during my first year when the air pressure was set too high... but apparently, additional adjustments need to be made.

Fifth, I filled him in on the situation with my spine and asked if I can get referred to the right doctor who can refer me to the right physical therapist. I also asked if I could get referred for a home health aide (covered by my new plan) and hopefully a physical therapist that will come to my home.

I went for blood work yesterday (Corey ordered tests for just about everything--watch it all come back normal), and I will have several appointments with specialists who are up to 60 miles away. This involves taking my mobility scooter with The HOP van transportation which my new insurance will pay for. I’ll have to pack food to take with me... something to do to keep me busy... and navigate the scooter in and out of restrooms and new environments. Note to self: bring a blanket. I froze in the lab.

In the meantime, I’ve been slowly digesting everything I’ve read and know about how suppressed emotions manifest as physiological symptoms and have concluded that my repressed emotions are suffocating me.

• Sleep apnea
• Inflammation of my esophagus, so it is hard to swallow.
• Sometimes, it’s hard to breathe.

I wonder if I am choking on all the things I’ve never had the courage to say.

I also had with this new insurance two online virtual psychological counseling sessions so far and will be able to continue as long as I want to. I had been worried about zoning and dissociating from the part of me that felt good when I feel bad and vice versa when I don’t feel good, I can't relate to the part of me that felt good. 

My counselor began to tell me about the trauma a woman has when she is giving birth to a baby, yet she won't remember it and will have one or more children due to what is called 'containment.' I have to do more reading/research on this, but all I can say is it is something the brain does to protect you. Ahhh... my brain is protecting me.

I will be thinking about how traumatic memories of giving birth to my son no longer affect me, yet many other incidents of traumas still do. I am asking myself what MEANING did I put on those other experiences that were different than giving birth? My homework is to look into EMDR therapy and call to see if a therapist with this specialty is available.

I have often wondered if the reason pain medication has never worked for me is because if the pain is emotional vs. physical, it wouldn’t. If the pain is in my brain and not my body, it wouldn’t. Analysis paralysis. While some people drink or eat or take illegal drugs or have other addictions, maybe I am addicted to figuring myself out... and everyone else, too.

I’ve read lots of books, subscribed to The Mighty and NICABM, and listened to lots of videos and webinars by Teal Swan, Abraham Hicks, Dr. David Burns, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Rebecca Hintze, Bruce Lipton, Dr. Keesha Ewers, Dr. Mark Hyman, and more.

Between fatigue, brain fog, ADHD, and a brain that won’t do what I want it to do because thoughts keep vanishing which is frustrating when I am trying to do self-care tasks, I suffer from information overload.

According to all the following people, I should be able to get better if I do what they have been able to do. It could be an unreasonable expectation, but what if it isn’t? Overall, I am not experiencing as much physical pain as I did in past years.

Dr. Keesha Ewers had autoimmune diseases until she freed herself of repressed emotions--then became an integrative medicine expert. (Solving the Autoimmune Puzzle: The Woman’s Guide to Reclaiming Emotional Freedom and Vibrant Health) 

This morning I had a flashback of going on two 3-day mountain climbing trips when I was 16-17 years old... in the White Mountains... New Hampshire... where ticks carrying Lyme Disease populate. I looked it up and saw in addition to swollen lymph glands and fever, one of the symptoms is Bell's Palsy type paralysis on one side of the face and another an enlarged Spleen. 

Wait! I developed all this! Is it possible I was misdiagnosed as having mono when I actually had Lyme? I don't remember getting blood tests--only being diagnosed with the symptoms. If so, Dr. Keesha and other doctors have solutions for dealing with autoimmune diseases.

Teal Swan overcame much worse childhood abuse and torture than I dealt with. She now travels all over the world doing seminars. She says depression happens when we resist our emotions and the futility of life situations. (The Sculptor in the Sky and The Completion Process)

Abraham Hicks talked about contrast--with emotions being your compass vs. your enemy. And she says we incarnated because Earth is the only place we can create and manifest--that we’re supposed to have fun doing it. And if we commit suicide, we’d just come right back again for the same reason. (The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent: Living the Art of Allowing)

Dr. Joe Dispenza says we create our future from our past emotions and memories, and unless we figure out how to break this cycle, we’ll stay sick and in pain. We must learn to set a new intention with an elevated emotion and our body/brain will follow. (Becoming Supernatural)

Rebecca Hintze is a life coach and emotional-wellness counselor who promotes essential oils to create new neural pathways in the brain, and yes, I have some essential oils. (Essential Oils for Happy Living and Healing Your Family History)

Nick Ortner promotes tapping, and I’ve tried that, too. (The Tapping Solution)

Dr. Mark Hyman, a doctor of functional medicine, said his brain broke twice--first from mercury toxicity while he was in medical school and the second time two years ago from black mold he didn’t realize was in his house. He went from one doctor to the next with undiagnosed mercury toxicity until he found a functional medicine doctor who identified it and treated it. He then went back to medical school and changed his focus to functional medicine. I watched his two documentary series: Broken Brain and Broken Brain 2.

Bri, my holistic nutritionist, did a presentation that included her background and how she recovered from numerous health issues after she got a job with a functional medicine doctor who treated her. When she got well, he trained her to do what he does. She strongly suggests I get all my mercury fillings taken out. (And Dr. Hyman says some people do not have the ability to handle the load.) She says it's the mercury aggravating my throat.

Information overload. Can you relate?

I just want technology I can plug into that runs an analysis and comes up with the current state of my physical, mental, and emotional state as well as suggested solutions. Is that too much to ask?

Continued Education

I've been very busy! Even if one is sick one is busy... taking care of yourself and resting.

First, there was a week of figuring out how to overcome my own PTSD to figure out how to help someone else who was dealing with their own mental health crisis. Once I had the initial adrenaline rush when my neighbor banged on my door at 2:30 in the morning on Monday, March 11, just as it has done in the past, my sympathetic nervous system wouldn't calm back down. I felt the ongoing survival stress response all during the week... hoping that improved self-talk would calm me back down. I had to search my subconscious mind to figure out what exactly 'triggered' me. A memory? Or just an adrenaline rush? What was I telling myself? (Why can't you act like a grown-up?)

That Wednesday afternoon, there was a continuation of Monday night's drama. I was feeling powerless. At least I had company at the time who offered support.

On Thursday, I decided to face (unrealistic) fears and report the incident so I could find out what action I needed to take should it happen again. After all, I did go to the one-day seminar on Mental Health First Aid, and I desperately wanted to 'feel' like a grownup! In the course, we were told if someone you know (or yourself) is having a mental health crisis, to call the police department. Many of them have been trained on how to handle this type of crisis. I did, indeed, get the answers I needed, but my sympathetic nervous system wouldn't calm back down. (I find it interesting that it is called sympathetic as it wasn't being sympathetic to my plight.)

The following Monday, I felt sick. My body hurt all over, especially with intensified sensations of sharp points sticking into my upper back. My chronic sore throat got worse--to the point I couldn't swallow (and I thought about my inability to speak up when I needed to). The fatigue was a literal killer, and I often found comfort in my bed throughout the day... for 10 days. I had to sum up the courage to miss a monthly meeting for one of the organizations I belong to. In the midst of making that decision, I had a flashback of not being allowed to miss school when I didn't feel good. But now I'm a grownup and can make that decision for myself. Yes? I requested that someone else take the minutes for the meeting.

I got some energy back just in time for the morning of March 28, when I attended the first of 5 sessions of Master of Memory--Am I Losing My Mind? facilitated by the County Extension Agent. Since we all seem to have memory issues, I am sharing what I am learning... which, of course, is filtered through my perspective (haha).

I found out I am not as bad as I thought I was memory wise. There are 3 basic types of memory: Sensory (momentary sensations and impressions), Short-term (holds information for several seconds while we decide what to do with it), and Long-term (can last forever--even if it takes time to retrieve info). We talked about how we go blank when trying to remember something then wake up in the middle of the night remembering or recalling the following day a piece of information we couldn't remember the day before. I'M NORMAL! Unless you LEARN what is being processed in short-term memory, you won't retain the information.

Three types of learners: Auditory, Visual, and Kinesthetic. I learned that I am mostly a kinesthetic learner--one who learns best by doing--needing to experience something "hands on" to learn how to do it. Visual? There was a sentence with six 'F's in it, and I only could find TWO. How trippy! The class had a good laugh because I am not the only one. It was to prove if you are not a visual learner, you wouldn't see them all.

Why can't I remember? All kinds of reasons. One of these is stress (overactive sympathetic nervous system), and one of these is habits. Losing your keys (or anything else) when you put them in a different place is not a memory problem... it is due to breaking a habit. I think my life runs mostly on auto-pilot based on habits... including where I 'file' physical pieces of information. When I go back to look for something, many times, it isn't where I thought I put it. This happens in your brain, too?

The best learner blends the three types to maximize performance. You must exercise the brain regularly just like you need to exercise the body. If you do the same brain exercises every day, you will lose other parts of the brain's ability as if you are only exercising your legs vs. your whole body. Suggestions: do things with the non-dominant hand, word games, brain teasers, trying new and different learning methods, conversation, and continuing education. I prefer the continuing education part. Use it or lose it! It's been a while since I've played my guitar or keyboard. Maybe it's time I start again... motivated or not... so that part of my brain won't atrophy. Subsequent modules will address other aspects of memory.

The fatigue lifted, but I still had pain and that awful sensation in my upper back and felt desperate for relief. On the afternoon of March 28, I went to see Bri (holistic nutritionist) and explained to her what happened with my dysregulated nervous system. (Feeling pleased that I now have the knowledge and terminology to understand and explain this concept.) I went home with instructions to increase a few of the homeopathic potions I already had along with a number of new ones, including supplements. I had to also 'allow' these to support my body's recovery.

I began to feel much better in a few days... just in time to get the energy I needed to listen to two new documentary series both of which launched on May 3: Broken Brain 2 and Eastern Medicine. So far, I've been able to watch all of them. My ears perked up each time the topic of the dysregulated nervous system was discussed as well as how chronic stress affects your overall health.

In between, I received an email from Rebecca Hintze on her newly released Emotions Mentor Podcasts. I listened to Key Steps to Developing Resilience, The Plague of Anxiety, and Mental Health & Where it Starts.

On May 4, I went to session 2 of Master of Memory--Memory Strategies. Strategies include Concentration, Association, Repetition, and Relaxation. I have some homework to do...

Wheels

I enjoyed some years of walking... how I reframed my recent "episode" (implying it is not permanent) of leg weakness/pain over several months that kept getting worse until I couldn't walk at all. This time, since I'd been through it all before (and already have my wheels), I didn't panic.

Me--not panic? This is a new one for me. I finally digested that stressing out makes things worse. So does getting angry.

The weakness/numbness in my glutes, thighs, and legs moves around--to the right side--to the left side--back again. To the toes--but different ones each time. No matter how many pillows and pieces of foam I prop myself up on, I wake up with cramping hips and legs.

In the past, I just got weak and numb all over from the waist down. I am currently on guard, wondering if this will happen again... so I am getting prepared. Better to be prepared than sorry. I arranged for someone who runs errands, and I will call and register for the HOP -- transportation to doctor/therapy appointments, especially ones that are out of town.

Since I know we are made up of energy, I watch where the 'energy' goes with some amusement (vs. fear). But not knowing when or how it will affect me, I decided it isn't safe to drive more than around my tiny town -- at least for now -- until I know what to expect. It would never happen suddenly... slowly over the course of say 5 minutes.

I had to begin asking for rides... something I had never been comfortable doing... if I was going to continue participating in club activities. Thank goodness I finally know people I can ask for help from! I can't drive further than my tiny town (no cruise control) as in addition to pain/weakness, I get cramps in my right leg while it is holding the position on the gas pedal.

I pulled out my WHEELS which had been on standby in the storage closet off my back patio for who knows how many years -- since sometime in 2012 after I moved into this complex on the other side.

While I went and sold my electric wheelchair (oops), I kept the walker. I had (falsely) assumed that if I needed an electric wheelchair again, I could get a new one because it had been more than 5 years since I had gotten the other one. Nope. Medicare changed rules. You can't get an electric wheelchair for outside... only if you need one in the house. Do I hide all my chairs on wheels and ask for one anyway?

Also, I didn't have to pay a share of cost for the other one (which I got in California) and I'd have to pay here. I would only be able to get the very expensive one that Medicare will pay for... billing me 20%. If I have to pay 20% of $5,000+, I'd rather invest $700 in a scooter of my choice. Unless I can manifest a donated one. :-)

It is possible that going two years without chiropractic didn't help... at least I got to go for three years from 2012 - 2015. I'd only be able to return if I had an accident... which I did... when I fell back in February. But even then, he could only treat me for 'headache' due to the subluxated atlas.

I started with a new one who has different equipment, and I will hopefully get at least 12 visits before Medicare cuts me off. He alerted me to a fact I had discounted all these years. I hadn't paid any attention to the words PARS DEFECT clearly stated on the many MRI and x-ray reports I still keep in my files. He showed me L5 had broken away from its base (pars) which is why it slipped forward. (See arrow.)

When I was 21, I had ignored the word Spondylolisthesis that was typed on the accident report for insurance (at least I kept a copy) after I crashed into a parked car because I didn't know what it meant. I could have saved myself grief when the Physiatrist I went to in 1998 suspected I had MS. It was years before I went through old
files and brought it to his attention.

Back to the walker. Here's a link to the one I have...

NOVA-Cruiser-Light-Rollator-Walker on Amazon

I got it in California before I moved to Texas. In case you ever need one or know someone who does, I recommend this one. (I don't have a basket under it.) It held up in the extreme heat and cold conditions during the many years it was stored in the outside closet off my patio. Unlike the vinyl on my comfy office chair that is disintegrating, the only damage this walker has are multiple pinprick holes in the seat... reminders that I once had cats that enjoyed digging their little claws into it.

Most walkers I've seen do not have wheels... and wheels are wonderful! They roll over everything (almost), even an occasional bug. (Yuch!) It is even wonderful when I need to transport things like groceries in and out of the car.

I am enjoying this walker, especially since I found a large tray with high sides to lay on the seat. (Photo below.)

I am enjoying the secure feeling of holding the handles. (Note: I am finding reasons to be positive.) I wheel it around the apartment and put whatever I need to transport from one room to another on this tray, including a cup of water and my cell phone. It saves me a lot of trips and actually helps me be better organized.

I even pull the walker up to whatever chair I sit on as it holds my water, notebook, pen, snacks, paperwork that needs to get filed, stuff to throw in the trash, etc. Wish I thought of doing this in years past.

I even have a Word Puzzle book on it for when I am using the toilet... hoping to distract myself from the sensation of pain when I sit on it. (Imagine the sensation of sitting on a bruised butt, hips, and backs of thighs, but it is neurological.) I tried a raised cushion, but it was just as bad. It was only meant to make it higher, not softer. I'm open to ideas...

My walker is great outdoors, especially when I need to sit down, although I can't walk very far. The seat is a bit hard, so I don't sit for long. I can also pull myself along while seated for short distances (like after I've visited my neighbor). This is actually good exercise for your legs, although steering it while seated doesn't work very well.

Going backward is much easier to steer, but dangerous if you hit a crack in the pavement. (Yes, I've done this.)

Did I mention it only weighs 21 pounds, so I can get it in and out of my car? Yes, it folds. And yes, the little exercises I've been doing gave me some arm muscle strength, and I'm grateful that the frozen shoulder I had in my right shoulder cleared up a few years back. With the wider of the split seats in my Dodge down, it will fit into the back end of the hatchback.

I am grateful for the dumpster on the opposite side I can drive right up to for throwing my trash into. (Drive-up dumpster. Not really. I'm just being funny.)

I can drive up to the mailbox at the post office to mail letters, etc., but still have to walk from my car to my mailbox... which is down by the office.

But wait! This is a small apartment complex compared to the monster ones in larger cities, many of which I have lived. And my car is parked right outside my door. Isn't this a gorgeous Crate Myrtle?

I was worried the walker wouldn't fit into the trunk of my new friend's (Monica) car... or behind her seats. She just happens to have a model car with a truck that goes on forever!
Monica joined my Toastmasters club in December... reluctantly accepted an officer role (like I had done)... and lives nearby. Yay! I had been driving my own car to Friday daytime meetings, and she drove me to additional training and meetings further away or at night. During long drives, we've gotten to know each other and have quite a bit in common... never a dull conversation or long stretches of awkward silence.

Monica has a 9-year old daughter (Lili) who is an angel (like her mother). During the summer, she joined her mother (and sometimes her little brother, too) for Toastmasters meetings. She is very grown-up and has often filled simpler roles at meetings such as timing and being a Topics Master. She loves to get up in front of the group to speak.

Monica used to work 60+ hours a week in hotel management, but when her health began to decline, she made changes. Now she does a variety of income-generating jobs which include house-cleaning, website design, and building a Young Living (Essential Oils) business.

Lili helps her mother with house-cleaning to earn some money of her own, and I asked her (Lili) if she wanted to vacuum my apartment for $5. She is also learning how to play the guitar, so it was a joy for her to stay and show me what she has learned on guitar (I still have one). Then I uncovered the electronic keyboard where she stayed glued for another hour.

Anyway, on the way back from Toastmasters, we stopped at the HEB Superstore. The original plan was to drop me at the entrance, but it seemed everyone decided to go to the store at the same time we did. Even finding a parking space was challenging, and it wasn't even one of the larger stores.

I used the walker to get to the entrance of the store (couldn't believe tiny Lili could lift it out of the trunk herself), switched over to a motor cart, and Lili pushed the walker through the store nearby. My heart was filled with joy having Lili and her Mom accompany me in the grocery store... something... believe it or not... had been absent way too many years of my life... having company while I had to shop.

When I first began going to Open Mics and other evening events for Writers and artists, I found out a young man by the name of Mikey lived two minutes from me. Mikey has never driven and has never owned a car. (Wouldn't that be nice?) He rarely lived in a place like my town where there is no public transportation (settled here when his parents moved here), but his parents moved North, and he will soon follow... back to a place that has public transportation. I learned that once you get a job with Walmart (Mikey works nights stocking), you can transfer to another one anywhere in the United States... which he plans to do.

Nicole (founder of the Writer's society) had been driving here to pick him up twice a month (20 minutes each way). I took over giving Mikey rides until about two weeks ago when I asked him to find us another ride. Since Nicole used to pick him up, she came and got the both of us.

(Note: socializing with people who are generous about giving people rides is quite nice!)

The other set of wheels is a salon chair.

Instead of using a wheelchair in the apartment, I have office chairs on wheels in each area/room. I got this salon chair for the kitchen. My kitchen is quite small, so this works easier than an office-type chair. It elevates higher than an ordinary chair (and has a padded seat). I wheel it to the refrigerator... wheel back to the counter... wheel to the stove, etc. Swivel this way and that. I open the cabinet door I need to be in front of (like the kitchen sink), and my knees fit nicely underneath -- except when I forget there is a pipe under there. Just the same, my butt and the back of my thighs still go numb after sitting on it for more than 5 minutes or so.

This morning, I remembered that Dr. Bergman (chiropractor) had given me a sacral belt the last time I was out to Huntington Beach, California. I have it on now, and my right leg doesn't feel as weak. This strap is tight.. holding my pelvis/sacrum together, and Bergman had advised I not wear it more than a few weeks... just until I got to my hometown chiropractor and my L5-S1 stabilized.

Stabilized? I never could understand how this would be possible.

I see my new chiropractor tomorrow for the 2nd visit. I will get his opinion about the belt. Hoping for improvement but have finally learned "it is what it is" and catch myself making up stories based on thoughts I can't prove. i.e. I can't prove the condition will continue to get worse... and don't catastrophize like I used to do all the time.

I'm done with past years of numerous procedures, injections, and pharmaceutical drugs to hopefully get relief. It was all very temporary, and in the long run, caused additional problems, never mind the miles I had to drive to get them and the endless waiting in waiting rooms.

I already know surgery is not an option. I am continuously learning about alternative treatments for pain... and I hope to experience them... like float tanks (you float for an hour in a warm pool filled with Epsom Salt), PEMF Therapy (Pulsed Electromagnetic Frequency), and sound therapy.

BTW, I learned in the Matter of Balance course I am repeating to put the letters ICE in front of your emergency contact name/number in your phone. I just wonder how they will get into my phone, because I have it password protected, but I was told they can. If they can, doesn't that mean a crook can, too?

I also learned to keep copies of your DNR, Power of Attorney, medication list, etc. on your refrigerator door. This is the first place emergency personnel will look when they enter your home. Note, I said copies. Keep the originals in a safe place like your safe.

I even learned that a physical therapist is supposed to analyze you and fit you for the right walker and cane. Really? I don't have access to P.T. and said so. I went home, looked at my walker, saw that it could be lowered another notch, and lowered it. I am, after all, a short person and didn't realize I could lower it.

P.S. The image of L5-S1 Spondylolisthesis is one I got on the internet because I couldn't get a clear photo off my x-rays. It looks pretty close!

Word Puzzles & Viruses

Word Puzzles. I’ve been obsessed with doing them for weeks. Staring at words… searching for words… believing one or more would inspire me to uncover something I needed to know. I didn't have much focus or energy to do anything else. I felt drained, achy all over, and the pain of an erupting Herpes sore. It knocked my feet out from under me. As much as I had learned up to this point, I spiraled down into hopelessness and despair.

Yes, the virus found me as a host when I was about 21 years old. Then it partnered with me for life. This virus buries itself into your nerve endings and is extremely painful when it erupts. I can't even begin to imagine what Shingles is like when you get multiple sores. I got chicken pox when I was 16, but have no memory of pain. It, too, is in the Herpes/Epstein Barr family of viruses, so maybe that is when it all began. What I was about to learn, though, is that these (Herpes/Epstein Barr family of viruses) invades your entire neurological system, not just the site of the eruption. It is a neurotoxin.

I took the clipboard with word puzzles into bed to rest my weary, aching body. It was the weekend. Don't we always get sick on the weekends when the doctor's office is closed? Despite the foam and all my pillows, I couldn't get comfortable. I am still wishing for a sleeping situation when you are weightless.

While doing the puzzles, I asked and wrote down: “Why so sad?” "What are you ruminating about?" (Yes, your thoughts will have a direct effect on your moods. Did you know that when you ask your soul questions, you can get answers?)

Answers: "Memories of the past when I was sick, alone, and no one was there. But you’re not there anymore. This is rest time--another assignment comes soon."

Then I heard the thought, “Alone," and wrote this word down. Yes, I felt alone. But now I applied the CBT I had learned and asked myself if it was really TRUE.

Answer: "No. You have spiritual buddies. What happens when you feel alone?"

Me: "Withdraw inward. Discomfort. Unloved. Secluded. Abandoned. Unwanted."

Suddenly I realized HERPES has emotions, too! (Later in this post, I will reveal new information I learned about this.)

I asked, "What can I do to help the virus? I know you’re unwanted, but if you go to Creator, you will be wanted. It’s not that I don’t want you, I don’t want how you’re making me feel, and I don’t want the pain and exhaustion. (Trying to convince the virus to leave.) When loved ones die, I remember them in my heart--like Dad and Jon and other relatives/people I knew. I need to kill you to transmute you. You won’t be forgotten. You can go to virus heaven." (At that point I got up out of bed and felt hopeful.)

Unwanted. CBT Fact Check. I’m no longer alone. Matter of fact, I called the number I got about 2 years ago for a lady who would run errands for you. I needed more Epsom salt and more food but was too sick to go out. I made the call. It turned out to be Esmeralda--a woman I had seen many places around town, including here in my complex. All I had to do was text her what I needed. She got it all for me, and I didn’t have to pay until she delivered it--proof that I have what I need when I need it (most of the time--she doesn't do this on weekends). 

At this I was able to separate ME from the VIRUS--and feel a sense of relief. There had been something else I had read or had written that when I am feeling the blues, ask where else in the world is it blue? Then send Reiki to that situation, and I’ll feel better. 

Herpes knew it was not wanted but I was believing that it was ME that was not wanted. Can you wrap your head around this spiritual/energetic concept?

This time, however, I was a current patient of Bri Linney, a Holistic Practitioner. What I didn't know is that I could have emailed her about what was about to sprout, and she would have responded right away instructing me on how to 'defend' myself before it completely invaded my space. I was going to hold out until my appointment on Monday, which I did, but I know better for next time.

That Monday afternoon, instead of the usual dialog I'd get from a doctor along with prescription drugs, I got new answers. She said the pain I've been developing in my legs, glutes, and bottoms of my feet over the years, getting progressively worse, was because the virus (Herpes & Epstein Barr) had invaded the nerves in my spine. The good news is I had been worried about L5-S1 nerve compression which wasn't fixable. 

At first, I thought this new information about being caused by the viruses was not good, but Bri turned it around with a protocol to kick it out and encouraging words that it could be done. It turned out, I wasn't going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, year after year, getting progressively worse. I hope!

I had begun reading the book HOW TO BE SICK by Toni Bernhard. Perfect timing. One must adopt an attitude of acceptance--otherwise, frustration and distress will increase your discomfort. Just like the weather, flares are unpredictable. And just like the weather, the worst of storms move on to make way for sunshine.

Then it was Wednesday, the 3rd day on the new protocol for a viral flare. I finally felt well enough to do some research, and on Thursday, I received an unexpected phone call from my previous Holistic Practitioner who provided me with additional information. No, spiritually, I was not alone.

The protocol: (Keep in mind I was muscle tested for each of these and my body determined how much I needed.)

• doTERRA Copaiba (CBD Oil), Frankincense, Lavender, and Balance essential oils, plus xEOMega. (Bri is also a doTERRA Wellness Advocate and I already had these in my inventory.)

• Energetix Core St. John's Wart, Viru-Chord, and Lymph-Tone (to move the virus out of the lymphatic system), 

• Standard Process Lact-Enz, SP Fen-Cho, with the addition of SP Calcium Lactate and SP Immuplex supplements.

• Apply the oils and anti-viral formulas to the bottoms of my feet (including Lavender), 

• Soak with Epsom Salt to include these same ingredients without Lavender, 

• Apply Balance to my HPA Axis.

The pain was finally beginning to decrease on the pain scale by Wednesday.

Research: I wondered if there was anything in Theta Healing by Vianna Stibal about Herpes. On page 243-244, I found "VIRUSES SHARE BELIEFS WITH THE HOST… viruses have the ability to tap into human group consciousness and are drawn to a particular person because they share the same programmes." (Wow!) 

"We attract diseases to us in the same way that we attract people to us--through parallel belief systems. Viruses are drawn to the negative attributes of a person." 

When Vianna had a patient who kept getting outbreaks, she was told by Creator to witness the feeling programme of ‘I am worthy of God’s love’ into the virus with the same feeling. (Mmmm… I got this virus back when I felt unworthy. Can I make it leave now?) 

"A virus is an alien invader in every cell. To guard ourselves from viruses, we change the beliefs that are drawing them to us and then mutate the virus with belief work at the same time. This changes the belief system of the virus so that it does not have to attack us to survive, thus transmuting it to a life form harmless to the host. Witness the virus changed to a form that is harmless." 

Page 245: "Herpes look like little robots when seen intuitively. A virus has a belief system of four levels, the same as humans. Ask the Creator of All That Is what feelings to instill so that it will change to a form harmless to the host."

In the meantime, I’d been reading the book, Captain of my Ship, Master of My Soul, an autobiography by F. Holmes Atwater. The author speaks about how Guidance (Creator) led him from one situation to the next in perfect synchronistic order. It certainly sounded like how my life has been playing out. I couldn’t remember where I got the book, but it had info about the Monroe Institute and Hemi-Sync. Maybe it was sent in a package I ordered years ago. I began digesting the material about remote viewing… and wondered if I could learn to SEE inside my own body. In Theta Healing, we can develop the skill to see inside another person's body.

As one thing always leads to another, during this time, Phaedra Antioco was doing more webinars on recovering from Chronic Pain… using the Digital Human Anatomy Atlas to show every detail of inside our bodies. I had no idea there was so much more than the general body parts I had learned about. With this software, she could unclick one layer after another so we could see how it all fit together. I am spellbound by the technology that exists that enables us to do this without dissecting a cadaver. She included exploring the emotional roots, trauma, frozen energy, etc.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, Ambika had called me that Thursday afternoon, and we got caught up. She, too, had been dealing with a viral flare-up but was excited about new information she came across by Anthony Williams, Medical Medium. She told me about his website and archived radio shows, recommending I listen to the one on Herpes. When I went to that website and clicked on the link to SoundCloud, the first one on the top was titled Epstein-Barr Virus-Revealed. This audio pulled all the things I had been learning together and provided new information I hadn't come across before. If you've dealt with chronic illness, especially undiagnosable ones that have been classified as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia, I highly recommend you listen to it. Click on the link above.

I've finished the last of the word puzzle books I had... time to go get more... 

Great books to read when you're not feeling well:

NORMAL is just a setting on your dryer by Patsy Clairmont

HOW TO BE SICK by Toni Bernhard

How Can You Not Laugh at a Time Like This by Carla Ulbrich

The Adrenaline Connection

Many years ago, while dealing with the aftermath of mono, systemic candida which I developed from numerous doses of antibiotics, and food sensitivities, my adrenals wouldn't function properly. But because they hadn't completely failed, there was nothing the endocrinologist I went to could do.

I remember the day I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a cyclist who dashed out in front of my car. I was at the stop light which had turned green, but the young cyclist hoped to make it across before I began to accelerate. The adrenaline rush that came on didn't stop like it was supposed to—I began to feel warm, then hot, then sweaty, then disoriented—a very strange sensation.

Fast forward to the last few years. I joined Toastmasters to develop self-confidence and speaking skills. Each time I went up there to speak, I had the adrenaline rushes. After a while, they stopped being so bad, but I experienced some strange after effects.

One time after I sat down, I felt fireworks of sharp stabbing pains all through my body. I took some slow deep breaths while I waited it out, telling myself I was OK. But in the back of my mind, I was very concerned. I didn’t collapse from a heart attack and the pains subsided. What on earth happened?

Another time after I sat down, I experienced an immediate lower back spasm. I wondered if all the back spasms I had experienced over my lifetime—and all the Fibromyalgia pain—was due to adrenaline issues—a symptom of a chaotic life where I was more often than not reacting to daily circumstances in fight or flight mode.

Then one day about a month ago, after a Toastmasters meeting, a career military man in my club sat down across from me while he waited for his wife who was mentoring a new member. I can't remember how the conversation began, but it led to the subject of adrenaline. He promptly told me about adrenaline rush letdown, a term I had never heard of before but common among those who serve in the military.

The symptoms I described to this man, which included the fireworks of sharp pains and the back spasms were only two common symptoms. There are others, like feelings of depression. The adrenaline junkies—skydivers, bungee jumpers, race car drivers, motorcycle riders, and more deal with them on a regular basis.

Fast forward again to the end of November when I finally had an appointment with Bri Linney, who practices BioEnergetic Nutrition. I’ve done lots of research, reading, and listening to health summits and brought in several pages of notes which included summaries of my current health challenges and my hypothesis about them. I even brought in all the supplements I am in possession of. She asked me how I think she could help me. I replied something of the line of hoping she can pinpoint what my body is asking for nutritionally.

This was definitely a visit I wish I recorded!!!!

You get a whole hour for your first visit. Bri provided a wealth of education on how my system operates in terms I could understand, including the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. She is skilled in knowing what the body wants just by touching it. I only remember three main points which are related to the adrenal issues.

1) Bri paused her exam as she touched my lower abdomen and asked apologetically if I had been sexually molested or assaulted. I am no longer reactive to the memories and answered yes. Afterall, other healers could pick up on this too when they touched my abdomen. She had explained to me different categories of health issues which included virus people. Most virus people have been sexually molested and or assaulted. The first occurrence was when I was 17. I came down with mono when I was 18 (or just before) and dealt with viral issues ever since—as well as repeated instances of sexual molestation and assault, which Bri also said is common. Another mystery solved. I was aware that most people who have Fibromyalgia were abused as children; I was not aware of this other connection. As I’ve done self-improvement on emotional trauma, my overall health has improved. This can explain why I haven’t been sick as much as I used to be even though the ‘energies’ are still lingering in my body.

2) After touching every organ and gland and parts of my brain, Bri explained to me that when you get a concussion, which I did when I was 21, your pituitary gland which seats at the center of the brain gets knocked around—and if I am repeating the facts accurately, the pituitary gland controls everything, including the hypothalamus. She concluded the reason for the chronic sore throats and difficulty swallowing is due to the right parathyroid and thyroid being inflamed which is all controlled by the hypothalamus. The adrenals are, too. This is another reason why I love energy medicine. This stuff doesn’t show up in blood tests.

3) I wanted to wean off Mirtazapine, the generic to Remeron. I’ve tried twice unsuccessfully and hoped she could assist me with it. Bri explained to me that it is helping the part of my brain that is not functioning like it should be and advised me to stay on it until I can get that part to improve.

I walked away with two homeopathic remedies for both hypothalamus and inflammation. I have complete faith in homeopathic remedies from years ago when I got one for my son who had severe cat allergies. Each day we visited my Mom who had a cat, his eyes would swell shut. When I discovered the BioAllers drops and gave it to him, it not only helped after the onset of a reaction but over time his immune system adjusted and he no longer had these reactions. I vaguely remember using another formula for an allergy I was dealing with as well.

Bri had also tested all the supplements I brought with me and determined how many of what I should take over the next month. I felt validated that I was on the right track—she suggested increasing the CBD Oil and Copaiba Oil, decreasing many of the other supplements, and increasing Vitamin C Complex (including putting it on topically with citrus oils). I return in one month.

Layer by layer, as years go by, I uncover additional mysteries to healing my miraculous human body. Our bodies truly are miraculous you know—born with innate intelligence—and the more you learn about it and the more you really get this, you increase your ability to recover from whatever you have been dealing with.

I acknowledge and appreciate everything my body does from digestion to excretion to circulation to moving. Have you tried this?

As for moving, even on a bad day, I do my series of exercises and marvel that I am still able to do them, focusing on each body part as they move through each exercise. Yes, there are parts that aren’t functioning efficiently, but have you tried focusing on all the parts that do?

To get an appointment with Bri Linney and learn more about what she does go to:

http://completechiro.org/holistic-health

Health Education Continued

Curiosity is one of my attributes. Comprehension is not--unless I listen to something multiple times or read it just as many. It seems certain pieces of info stick to my memory cells when other pieces evaporate into thin air.

The information I am about to share is new to me based on what I can remember learning in the past. I've been reminded that Fibro Fog is a symptom of Fibromyalgia which I sometimes prefer to forget I deal with, especially during times when I experience a lot of energy! I've been experiencing a major energy dive and with the dive of energy came an increase in physical discomfort. Nevertheless, I am intrigued with the synchronicities that have been showing up in the way of books, magazines, internet articles, and Facebook posts.

I received the September issue of Pain-Free Living Magazine. Inside are three articles, all of which are relevant to me--and maybe to you as well.

1) Putting the Pieces Back Together: Trauma is often a source of chronic pain. Here are eight ways to deal with it. 

I've been very aware for some time that multiple traumas, beginning in childhood, are known to contribute to chronic pain. We have amazing brains that are wired to protect us in three ways: Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

"In the wild, animals are exposed to trauma almost every day, threatened by predators and competitors. Yet they don't develop PTSD because they have inborn ways to release the trauma when the threat has passed. They shake, they tremble, they run around, they yowl, and they rest. Then they can go on with their lives. Humans have forgotten or suppressed those instincts, but we also face potential trauma throughout our lives."

Trauma includes war, accidents, assaults, sexual assault, sports injuries, car accidents, abuse during childhood, surgery and invasive medical procedures, parental divorce, and loss of a job (self, spouse, or parent). Then there are more complex traumas such as a difficult delivery at birth and intergenerational trauma which you inherited vs. something that has actually happened to you.

"Pain itself can become traumatic. It can seem out of our control; we may try many things without relief. It can cause fear, anger, and grief, but we can't take effective action."

"Trauma creates permanently high-stress levels. The body feels constantly threatened until the trauma is released, always ready to fight, flee or freeze. This stressed state makes pain more intense."

We get stuck in pain because we haven't released the trauma that caused it.

I've done quite a bit of work on myself to identify the many traumas my body has stored in muscle and cellular memory. The process is never done. Each time I have a 'flare-up', even if it is days on out of relentless fatigue without an increase in pain, I now know to stop (which isn't really a choice) and process whether I am just experiencing a bought of fatigue or whether I've been 'triggered' and my body is responding to what my brain is telling it to do--FREEZE. 

Of the many suggested treatments in this article, I've used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), mindfulness meditation, psychotherapy (on myself with the help of Dr. David Burn's book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy), and antidepressants. Somatic Experiencing is also suggested which teaches a process that brings you back to your body as a safe place where you can defend yourself. I haven't done this SE therapy, but I have been learning about Somatics in a different way.

In Edward Barrera's book Move Like An Animal, there is also an explanation of how trauma affects our bodies and our brains as humans vs. animals as mentioned above. I've been learning about somatic exercises--as the traumas result in sensory motor amnesia. The good news is there is a series of exercises one can do to retrain the brain to become aware of what it is supposed to do. I also purchased Thomas Hanna's book on Somatics, but Ed's book is much easier to understand and follow.

2) A complex Web: Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose, but a variety of treatments can ease the pain. 

This article reviews Fibromyalgia symptoms and possible causes as well as different approaches to treatment. Among alternative therapies are meditation and sound as studies have found that music and low-frequency sounds can reduce the pain experienced by patients. Sound has helped me quite a bit and I have saved a bunch of YouTube videos on one of my Pinterest pages to listen to. In the final paragraph are these words of wisdom: 

"Don't be hard on yourself. Rest when you need to, and don't be too sad when you find that 'friends' fall by the wayside. The important people in your life will still be there for you through it all. Lastly, you are not alone. Facebook is amazing for support groups. Hang in there."

Indeed, Facebook has quite a few support groups. In addition to mine (Lampasas Pain Support Group), I've found the following:

The Truth About Chronic Pain Treatments (I read her book.)

Dr. Joe Tatta (I read his book.)

What Works for Fibromyalgia

Plus some others.

3) Breaking the Cycle of Pain: The founder of an integrative-medicine clinic explains why chronic pain should be treated as an inflammatory disease.

This article is an interview with Gary Kaplan, D.O., a clinical associate professor at Georgetown Univerisity in Washington, DC. Kaplan came to the conclusion that pain and depression are inflammatory diseases--in the brain.

"Chronic pain such as fibromyalgia, back pain, pain associated with osteoarthritis, daily headaches, and depression are not diseases but symptoms. these conditions are symptoms of inflammation of the brain."

"We have MRI studies and human and animal studies that show that we're looking at neuro-inflammatory disease of the central nervous system." -- central sensitization syndrome -- a mix of chronic pain and depression.

Right on!!!! This makes more sense to me than anything else I've read so far. 

Suggestions include:

• eliminating foods that may be contributing to your brain being on fire.
• meditation which is anti-inflammatory
• get at least seven to eight hours of continuous sleep at night (so much for getting up to go pee)
• get away from taking pills to fix things
• read his book Total Recovery: A Revolutionary New Approach to Breaking the Cycle of Pain and Depression... a book I will add to my Amazon wish list.

Included in the article is a PAIN TEST -- a list of questions to ask yourself and talking to your doctor about the answers. The ones that apply to me are:

• Is there anything you avoid now because of memories of a past trauma that you can't seem to shake? (often)
• Have you been exposed to mold, toxins, or heavy metals? (all three)
• Do you regularly encounter stressful situations such as being bullied? (not so regularly anymore but have dealt with this often in the past)
• Have you suffered from difficult or emotionally abusive relationships? (many)
• Do you struggle to get restful sleep? (often--between waking up to adjust my CPAP machine and to go pee)
• Were you diagnosed with Lyme disease, Epstein-Barr virus, gluten intolerance, or Celiac disease? (EBV and gluten intolerance--refer to my next comments on grains)
• Do you have a thyroid imbalance that may be caused by medications like opioids? (not sure, but unfortunately I took opioids for 12 years)

Kaplan concludes that meditation and exercise absolutely help regenerate the brain. Nutrition is important because the gut is the second brain.

Now for what I recently learned about grains.

I ordered the book No Grains, No Pain after listening to a talk by Dr. Peter Osborne. I heard that there are many types of gluten in ALL the grains... including ones I thought were safe like rice and oatmeal... that grains are seeds which have a substance designed by nature to protect them... and this substance is toxic to humans. So called gluten-free foods are only free of one type of gluten. You can listen to a podcast by him here: Gluten Free Diet Fails & Hidden Toxins in Gluten Free Foods

Two additional summits came my way: Beyond Pain Summit and Pain Treatments That Work 2.0. I haven't had a chance to listen to all the podcasts and interviews. Two stood out for me in the Beyond Pain Summit:

Interview with Elicia Miller--Your Symptoms Are A Gift

Interview with Sarah Jane Farrell--Pain as Your Pathway to Healing

On day 3 of the Pain Treatments Summit, I heard a life changing interview with Shinzen Young on practical steps for transforming physical pain into spiritual growth. He provides instruction on how to use pain as a reminder to check into your body and learn to receive its messages through meditation. I felt encouraged that the pain in my body could have a deeper purpose and the act of daily meditation alone can be an instrument to transform the planet. I don't have to DO anything except lie still, breathe, and allow God/Spirit to become one with my body. Discipline. Maybe it's another opportunity to learn to be self-disciplined.

I was able to download the synopsis of his book and print it out: Natural Pain Relief. You can download it by clicking on the link below:

Synopsis of Natural Pain Relief

EMF's -- the wifi signals from your cell phone, router, tablet, laptop, etc. cause inflammation in the brain. Yikes! One of my sisters mailed me a little bag of rocks to put on top of my router which is supposed to reduce EMF's. There are gadgets you can put on your smartphone and tablet as well as gadgets to put under your feet or your laptop. All quite pricey. Maybe someday. I'm investing all my money into doTERRA Essential Oils, oil blends, and supplements right now.

Readers, all this education enables me to be my own advocate. I hope you can become your own advocate as well. While bouts of fatigue combined with pain force me to take time out from all I strive to achieve, triggering moments of feeling powerless, I also gain a sense of empowerment through knowledge. 

Last, but not least, the Universe has redirected me back to practicing Reiki -- on myself. First, I was sent a woman who wanted to know more about Reiki. I loaned her a book I had about it and she found it helpful. I have learned over the years acquiring attunements are not necessary to experience the healing energy that naturally flows through your hands. Many people now a-days are studying what Reiki is, the Chakras, and the hand positions to optimize this natural ability. Then after I finished reading one of many books I have, I picked up one I purchased several months ago: Intuitive Self-Healing: Achieve Balance and Wellness Through the Body's Energy Centers by Marie Manuchehri, RN. Marie is a nationally known energy intuitive and Reiki Master. This book is simple to follow with client examples and exercises you can do on your own.

Time. So elusive. Hours vanish before my eyes. 

Focus. Self-Discipline.

Move: Be still. Meditate. Move.

Peace.

Autoimmune, Calcium, Sleep Apnea, Pain, & Vaccines

I finished reading The Autoimmune Fix — and learned more about what Dr. Mark Wiley wrote in Arthritis Reversed. Then I read The Calcium Lie II — and learned about all the physical, emotional, and mental consequences of drinking milk and taking Calcium supplements.

The Calcium Lie II has answered many questions and solved many mysteries. I had forgotten about meeting the mysterious Dr. Stephen King in the P.O. parking lot back in 2011 who had told me to STOP taking calcium supplements. It was accumulating in my joints, muscles, and even my brain (depression). I did for a while but bent to the pressures of my past M.D. to take them again.

Highlights from The Calcium Lie II:

Before refrigeration, food (meat) was preserved in Rock Salt/Sea Salt which had ALL the minerals in it. Even cattle are given rock salt so they get their minerals. Post refrigeration, because the salt clumped together, all the minerals were processed out. When people were getting goiters, iodine was added back, but without all the other minerals our mineral balance is thrown off. As a result, the general population became mineral deficient and it all went downhill from there.

They say our soil is depleted so we don’t get enough nutrients. They add Ascorbic Acid to food and call it Vitamin C, which it isn’t so we are C deficient.... and it goes on...

The bakers didn’t like that flour clumped together either, so they processed the health benefits out, added bromine to keep it from clumping, and a few isolated vitamins. This flour went into all the baked goods along with iodized salt.

What are the health benefits of bromine? Have you ever asked? I certainly didn’t…

“Bromine is corrosive to human tissue in a liquid state and its vapors irritate eyes and throat. Bromine vapors are very toxic with inhalation. Humans can absorb organic bromines through the skin, with food and during breathing.”
And just like there doesn’t seem to be an escape from Roundup (glyphosate), avoiding grains won’t keep you safe from Bromine. They spray it on berries to keep them from getting moldy from the time they are picked to the time they get to market.

I watched the movie Food, Inc. on Netflix and learned even more about what is in most of the food we eat. Scary stuff!

I’ve been wishing for a solution to my sore, achy knees and legs. Still studying, researching, and hopeful. There’s so much I want to do and sometimes I feel ???? because my legs hurt too much to walk around anywhere. I haven’t even been able to go walking around my beautiful creek.

Along came The 2017 Tapping World Summit. I had already purchased The Tapping Solution for Pain Relief, but haven’t read it yet. While listening to various podcasts from this summit, I used my phone to record some of the tapping sequences — tools for purging stress and emotional components of pain and illness. Muscle spasm? Think aggravated, frustrated, angry, about things like:

“Why is this still happening? I’m eating right, taking the right supplements, drinking enough water, etc. I’m so frustrated! I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and the pain is still there!”

Mmmm. If all these other practitioners are using it, I can work on this, too. Instead of tapping on pain, you tap on the emotions, which include rejection, disappointment, anger, frustration, and resentment associated with the pain.

While The Tapping World Summit was going on, The Thyroid Secret began. More information about how stress-filled life throws everything out of balance and how the ‘Allopathic’ docs prescribe drugs for the symptoms vs. getting to the root cause… which includes toxins, SAD (Standard American Diet), and clearing the stories you’ve been telling yourself about all the life situations that resulted in stress-induced imbalances.

On the lineup to read is Heal Your Pain Now by Dr. Joe Tatta. Debora Wayne has an interesting program, too, and I subscribed to her emails. She says pain is solid and we can change it to fluid and then vapor. Your pain is REAL, but you can locate the source of the pain (emotions and/or memories) and release all the STUCK energy.

Within the same week, Kristin’s Essential Oil class was on PTSD. There is actually a trigger cycle. 3% of our brain is conscious. 97% is subconscious. We are ruled by the subconscious memories and conclusions (blueprint) which can easily be ‘triggered’ by things as tiny as someone looking at you wrong or saying the wrong word or when you hear certain sounds.

Within this same week, I decided to get Ambika’s BioTerrain testing done (urine analysis). The physical aspects of the pain can be attributed to an acidic body. When the body is overly acidic, the body takes minerals from vital organs and bones to neutralize the acid and remove it from the body.

I am not only acidic, I have high levels of Ammonia, Nitrates, and Oxidation. My body is trying to alkalize itself by pulling minerals from my bones. Very enlightening!

I asked if Sleep Apnea can contribute to this. She said yes. Not enough oxygen.

And the intuitive healer I saw at the Metaphysical Fair when I went to visit with Ambika told me I wasn’t breathing enough through my diaphragm. I love how everything comes together like a Master Mind team to come up with actual solutions.

In my opinion, medicine is like religion and politics. People go to med school to become doctors, and most believe what they are taught, just like most students believe the history they are taught in school is correct when it’s not. Now that I’ve had the opportunity to listen to hundreds of docs from all over the world who have changed their religion or political affiliation to alternative/functional medicine, more people are becoming aware that the pharmaceutical/ medical industry is a money-making greedy business designed to keep us sick so they can make money off of treatments and drugs.

Mmmm...

There are other tests I am considering, but perhaps won’t be needed in addition to the BioTerrain. Dr. Thompson (The Calcium Lie II) recommends a hair mineral analysis test so you can see a blueprint of which minerals you need (in addition to eating sea salt and taking organic ionic minerals).

There is the full spectrum thyroid testing (which my MD won’t do even though my TSH was too high) but Ambika, who has had thyroid issues since she was a young teen, gave me the book, Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? to read. Thyroid levels change on a daily basis and testing would have to be done frequently.

I am also interested in the antibody panel, which will show specifically what your immune system is attacking. But why look for more trouble? If I can get my pH levels up and more oxygen while I sleep, since I don’t get colds or flu, I’ll walk this path for now… while dreaming of walking physically on paths in nature that I yearn for.

If only I could go back in time to when I was 38 years old and my body couldn’t handle any more of the stressful life I was living. It complained by spreading the sensation of pain to every part of my ‘physical’ body, while my ‘emotional’ body clung to the pain for its perceived protection. I was on fight or flight survival mode, running from unhappiness vs. a tiger.

According to everything I’ve been listening to about EFT (and treatments for pain) the pain was keeping me SAFE. The trouble is, it was keeping me SAFE inside the tiger’s mouth, and I felt the tiger’s sharp teeth all over my body.

The diagnosis was Fibromyalgia, and the pain management doc I went to (thank you for taking care of me) began to prescribe heavy-duty drugs to dull the pain. I had been stuffing/packing tight the emotions of trauma deep in the crevices of my body and it cooperated by holding on to everything I took in. Thank you, body, for keeping me SAFE.

In between all the research, reading, and studying in the areas of Mind-Body-Spirit medicine, I came across information on Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I wondered… could I have this?

I read somewhere that when you don’t get enough oxygen while you sleep, you can wake up tired and ache all over. Sounds like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, doesn’t it? I thought so.

“Sleep Apnea in Patients With Fibromyalgia: A Growing Concern. Patients with fibromyalgia have a tenfold increase in sleep-disordered breathing, including obstructive sleep apnea.”

Besides CBT, I wonder what would have happened if I had been given a CPAP instead of drugs. I have early memories of waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air… before I began to take all the sedating medications.

I also have memories of being unable to move my body while thinking I was awake. It was terrifying. My crazy, immature imagination thought I was being held down by some evil force. Have you ever experienced this really scary scenario? Scary because you had no clue what was happening? Add this to the other PTSD experiences you cope with. The light in the scary closet came on when I discovered something called sleep paralysis. However, my subconscious was still storing the fear.

“Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person either during falling asleep (Hypnagogia) or awakening (Hypnopompia), temporarily experiences an inability to move, speak, or react. It is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by muscle atonia (muscle weakness).”

So, was it sleep apnea this whole time? In addition to a fight or flight switch that never turned off? Your body can’t heal while in this fight or flight state.

I really had to do a LOT of work on myself and track all the positive things which came my way before realizing I was no longer in danger — that I was safe. That I have guardian angels and a God who watches over me. It took writing “Miracles Sandwiched Between the Challenges,” before I began to allow fear of life to subside, in addition to experiencing Theta Healing.

On Mar 29, I got a CPAP. I feel like an astronaut — or maybe a scuba diver. The original mask I got wasn’t right for me and I had to wait a week and a half for some new ones to come in. Even with this new one, I am not liking how tight the straps have to be to keep the mask snug against my face when the pressure of air goes up. I hope there is a solution. My machine includes a humidifier which eases my chronically blocked sinuses.

This past week, along came Pain Treatments That Work and The Truth About Vaccines. Awesome information about the Mind-Body connection to halting the pain cycle. Shocking information about what is in vaccines – as well as the fact they are not tested in clinical trials the way the drugs are. They have higher than the safe amounts of aluminum to trigger inflammation, thimerosal (mercury), foreign DNA from other species, and glyphosate (Roundup). In present time, the CDC mandates children receive 46 vaccines by the time they are six years old, 26 by the time they are two. They are poisoning our children! At this rate, we won’t need an atom bomb to wipe out most of the population. They are using VACCINES!

Sweet dreams!

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

Once upon a time, I felt unloved. Because I felt unloved, I tried to find people to love me. All I got, were friends & partners who reflected back to me how I felt about myself and what I thought I deserved to have. Back then, I didn't even know how to feel loved by God / The Creator of everything that exists. As I grow into my 6th decade, I reflect back on some of the most important things I've learned so far.

Practice loving your 5-year-old self. If necessary, also practice loving younger versions as well. Find one or more photos of yourself when you were about 5 years old. Isn't he/she adorable? Cute? Lovable? Sweet? Precious? Huggable? When did you stop believing this about yourself? This child still lives inside of you. You are the age you are and every age you ever were. If you concluded by the time you were 5 years old that you were NOT worthy of love based on your parenting or traumatic experiences, you grew into an adult who has no idea the conclusions you made were false.

Become aware. Watch your thoughts. Write them down. If they are negative or degrading thoughts, what proof do you have they are true? (Dr. David Burns--Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy). I read a great book by Stephen Shaw "I AM." I was challenged by racing negative thoughts and Stephen was, too... until he met a wise man who instructed him to see them as flocks of birds and just watch them. Don't let them take over your mind. Ever since then, every time I see a flock of birds, (especially crows & blackbirds), I remember this book.

Do you find yourself judging others? Thinking negative about others? Their actions? This will give you a clue that you are also judging yourself. You will also keep attracting people and situations into your life to reflect what you are focusing on. Once you realize this is what is happening, you can catch yourself in the 'act.'

Use tools such as EFT / Tapping to interrupt self-sabotaging thoughts. There are books and many YouTube videos on the topic. The 2017 Tapping World Summit is about to begin so if you're interested, look it up online.

Find a Theta Healer or take a Theta Healing class. What I love about Theta is the belief work. After old thought patterns and beliefs are 'pulled,' you must have new beliefs to replace them. Otherwise, you can feel disconnected and lost. Your identity was just pulled and you are left with Who Am I? The Theta Practitioner 'downloads' you with new ones... including what it FEELS like to be loved, trusted, respected, have abundance, and more... I felt amazing after I received my new 'downloads,' and my life seemed to take off! Vianna Stibel wrote two books on Theta Healing which include just about every negative thought pattern/belief known to mankind. She explains how these can manifest as health problems. As you flip through the pages, you can find which beliefs you want to work on. It's especially nice to see there are common beliefs among all of us, and we are not alone. I also learned that all the positive affirmations in the world can't override what is in your subconscious belief system. It helps to find a qualified Theta Healer. Hint: When you take a class (3 days) you get a ton of downloads -- a more economical way to get multiple sessions in a single weekend.

Treat your body like it is a beloved garden. I wrote "Growing An Internal Garden" on ways to do this. Your body will appreciate the steps you take to become a healthier person through food, exercise, water, and self-love. The flowers of your body (your cells) will appreciate you. There is always a new online webinar/podcast series to teach you what you can do to become your own health advocate. My previous post is on Winter of Wellness 2017. By the time symptoms begin showing up, your poor body has already been overloaded and needs your help. Learn to be a detective and don't rely on medical doctors to figure out what you need. Blood tests only show current conditions. Doctors can only do what they were trained to do, which is to order tests and prescribe medication for the symptoms that show up.

Never stop learning new things. I love my Toastmasters group where there is always something new to learn pertaining to self-confidence, communicating, and leadership. I've said it before, but every week I hear inspirational speeches which keep me motivated. Many of these speeches are about over-coming life's adversities. The evaluations are made with the sandwich method to ensure you walk away with something to grow on. Many introverts come out of their shells and begin to shine (like me).

Last, but not least, fill your senses with Essential Oils. doTERRA has a set of Emotional Aromatherapy Blends that comes with a chart. What do you want to feel less of? Find this on the chart. The chart will direct you to which blend would help you feel what you want to feel more of. My personal favorite at this time is Motivate. Buying the whole kit is much less expensive than buying them separately. 

Remember: You as a human are a work in progress. As long as you are alive, you have growth potential. Life is a journey, not a destination. I look forward to the next 30 years!

What is your takeaway from this post? Where are you at this time in your life? Have you explored any of the things I've listed here? Do you have any questions? Please leave your comments below.

Winter of Wellness

In the last year, I've listened to The Truth About Cancer, The Truth About Autoimmune Disease, and now I am finishing up 30 days of podcasts with alternative health practitioners from all over the world in Winter of Wellness 2017. Educating and inspiring! Wouldn't it be nice if all I had to do is take a test on all this and be a doctor? Without paying for college?

Food plan: It's been two months since I've completely stopped eating grains and legumes. It can take up to six months for the effects of these to clear out of my body, but I remain hopeful. After all, I had no idea that just avoiding wheat wouldn't do it for gluten sensitivity, a result of gut permeability. I also had no idea that the lectins in legumes couldn't be digested if you don't sprout them first. Here I was, thinking my mostly vegetarian diet was doing me good, when it turns out it wasn't.

I learned to make a pancake type bread snack with Almond Flour, Tapioca Flour, eggs, olive oil, coconut milk powder/water, and favorite spices. These are so delicious! I usually don't cook... but the desire to eat these has over-ridden my aversion to cooking.

My Triglycerides are still too high, and hopefully eliminating grains and legumes will help bring it down. My nutritionist, Ambika, pointed out to me that other blood results such as just a bit high on protein indicates I am not processing sugars (the healthy ones) which indicates my thyroid is not producing enough of whatever it is and neither is my gut. She added two new supplements to my regime. Yes, I'd been taking a number of supplements including Organa Liquid Minerals--and my hair is growing in BROWN. Places that were thinning out are filling in! Hoping my muscles will begin feeling better soon, too! Despite autoimmune responses in my body, I have succeeded in not coming down with a cold or the flu--not since my trip to Washington when I got sick from being exposed to Mold.

We had our Annual Local Author Fest on the 28th of January. I had the utmost pleasure of meeting Michael Lanning, a new author who moved to Lampasas about two years ago. We were seated in the same little group so we got to chat. I also listened to his 10-minute talk. He said they moved to Lampasas because as a result of his research, it is supposedly the fastest growing city in the state of Texas. Four different highways merge into our main drag (Key Avenue) before picking up on the other end again. This is good news but also bad. Our main drag is only two lanes each side and has lots of lights as it runs through the center of town. I am glad there are plenty of side streets to get me to where I need to go.

Mrs. Lanning: I found out Michael's wife is the one who opened "Wildflowers on the Wall" downtown on our square. There had already been wildflower murals on the side of the building which is why she named the business this. It has antiques and an old fashioned soda fountain. She also opened a little book store called "Cork and Press"--wine tasting, olives, and books. AND she is also the one who bought and had moved a two-story large house I had discovered while going for a bike ride last summer. She is going to refurbish it. I had taken photos of this house months before she bought it and drafted ideas of a book I planned to write about it (fiction). Then I saw the article in the paper about it being moved and the plans for it. Mrs. Lanning has a background in business development and plans to ignite the growth of business in our downtown area.

Other authors: there were some other well-known successful authors at our fest this time, too. Hardly any customers, which was disappointing, but us authors had more time to visit with each other! I took away a list of their books I wanted to read to add to my extremely long list I already have. I've got bookshelves with books, over 140 Kindle books on my tablet, a folder of info on books I want to read, and now these. When will someone invent a head-phone type device we can put on and just download the books into our data-base brain? I know, then what would the purpose be of learning to read?

The Chadwicks: I also know Kelly & Johnny Chadwick. They bought a little land a few miles away. Kelly is a wedding planner and loves to grow things... like olives. Johnny is a nurse at our hospital and loves music. He built a huge stage out there and has huge concerts with well-known bands. I went to two concerts for free after offering to do the PR for them with local papers. Kelly also loves all things natural, so I invited her to attend Essential Oil classes my Acupunturist/Chinese Medicine lady, Kristin, started teaching. Tuesday night, I told Kelly about Cork and Press and she said she already knew about it and had been there. Great connections! I also experienced an Acupuncture session this last week.

Writing: inch by inch, I am progressing on a book about the above mentioned house AND another one (secret for now). To add to my above wish of being able to download books, I wish I could attach a brain scan to my brain and just download all my ideas (and have them transcribed)! I have a number of stories in the works...

Reading: The Autoimmune Fix by Dr. Tom O'Brian. NOBODY SHOULD EAT ANY WHEAT, DAIRY, OR SUGAR! IKES! I'm good (at least now), but I worry so much about all the people I care about who still do. For instance, I am surrounded by people who have rotten teeth, not realizing the bacteria is affecting their health, which includes heart disease, and many other problems.

Nowadays, we are told not to give our babies dairy products until they are at least a year old. I know my mother had to quit nursing me when I was only three months old and put me on cow's milk. No formula, no vitamins. I didn't get much of a kick start in life and ended up with severe gas pains as a result of an inability to digest dairy products. Our doc said I had a case of nerves and I was given Bella Donna. Can you imagine?

Happy February! As someone posted on Facebook, January was just the 30-day trial for the new year so February is the official start date.

Join me in striving to become healthier this year!