Rewriting My Life Story

One of many programs I listened to and read about is the therapeutic practice of rewriting your life story, especially if it had been a traumatic one. Here's how mine would begin: 

Once upon a time, I was a tiny egg… fertilized by a sperm. I grew… miraculously… into a human being. (This is the beginning of the first sentence in my book On the Move, Autobiography of a Survivor.) 

I was loved into existence by a Divine Creator aka Source. Despite what was going on outside the womb, my body developed perfectly in solitude according to its original design. Even if I came in with a belief that I had to be in pain in order to exist, I wouldn't exist if the Creator didn't love me. Even if I came in with a belief that I had to be perfect in order to be loved, I was perfect in the 'eyes' and heart of my Creator.

Life could have been way worse than the one I lived (so far). 

• I could have been born and raised in a third-world country in a war-torn environment.
• I could have lived during the holocaust like some of my ancestors did.
• I could have been harmed by a nuclear explosion.
• I could have been homeless, living under a bridge somewhere.
• I could have been raised in a drug-infested slum by drug-addicted or alcoholic parents or been a victim of starvation. Instead, I was raised in nice homes, in nice towns.
• I could have been sex trafficked, trampled in riots, or any other situation like this. 
• The physical/emotional abuse was mild compared to what it could have been... even though the trauma dysregulated my nervous system.
• Financial support programs exist during my lifetime such as social security, disability, Medicare/Medicaid, welfare, food banks, and rental assistance.

It would have been nice if I arrived with an instruction manual on how to deal with the circumstances I agreed to take on, including options for what would provide educational contrast. It would have been nice if I had been conscious of the spiritual committee assigned to me.

Anyway, back to being loved into existence. With meditation, I visualize myself developing perfectly according to the recipe divinely created for me. No matter what I 'see' as thoughts and the stories I made up about these thoughts and experiences, the truth is I developed: 

• a heart with a circulation system that pumps blood through my body (even with a mitral valve prolapse)
• five senses (even with less-than-perfect eyesight and hearing)
• a muscular-skeletal system (even with spina bifida at L5 which progressed to Grade 2-3 Spondylolisthesis)
• a digestive/elimination system (even with esophagitis, colitis, and food sensitivities)
• a lymphatic system with a spleen (even with Epstein Barr, adrenal fatigue, and chronic fatigue syndrome)
• lungs that circulate oxygen and carbon dioxide (even with sleep apnea)
• a mostly functional brain
• and more.

According to what I read in the book Earth Angels by Doreen Virtue, PhD, I chose to incarnate as an angel. From the midst beyond, I peered through the atmosphere's window. 

This life was an opportunity to try all kinds of experiences... despite feeling different, separate, and alienated from others.

I eventually learned that everything that happened happened exactly the way it was supposed to. I hereby practice the art of letting go of what no longer serves me.

Manifesting & Positive Prayer

 

Over the years, I seem to have mastered the art of manifesting through a form of positive prayer. I thought I would share some of these circumstances with you in addition to the techniques I used. Some happened immediately (like summoning for help). Others took years and came as pleasant surprises. 

Keep in mind that one of the lessons I learned over time is that the Universe will say yes to anything you focus on. If you focus on lack, you will get lack. If you focus on abundance, you will get abundance. I needed to shift my mindset out of low self-worth and believe I deserved to have a better quality of life. I needed to believe I deserved to have my needs met and visualize as if I already had it and what it feels like to have it. 

Because I am a writer, I often used pen and paper in addition to my computer to work out my thoughts and dreams. I considered every manifestation and answer to a prayer miraculous.

Miraculous manifestations:

Things for my baby: I had moved across the country with just a suitcase with my parents and stayed with my older sister. Her passion was going to yard sales every weekend to go treasure hunting. I got excited every time I found something I needed for my baby at these yard sales.

The refurbished garage: I had stepped outside with my young son one day and with a sense of excitement said, "You know what would be perfect for us? A refurbished garage!" The next time we went to church, I found a postcard advertising one, and we were able to move into it.

The Toyota: I had leased a Subaru Justy that turned out to be a lemon. While it was in the shop for several days (just to wait for brake shoes to arrive), the owner let me borrow his Toyota. While I was driving it, I imagined it was mine. When my car was ready for pick-up, I told him I loved the car. He offered to sell it to me. I couldn't get a second car loan, but my employer loaned me the money.

The accident: I had a part-time job for 5 years when I decided I didn't want it anymore but didn't have the courage to resign. One morning when I was driving to work, I declared I didn't want to go. A woman who didn't come to a complete stop tapped the right rear corner of the car and sent me jackknifing sideways into a bus bench. I didn't go to work for several months. In this case, I learned to be careful of how I word my requests.

Divorce: During a time of confusion and inability to make an important decision about whether to stay in a marriage or not, I asked God for a sign. The Toyota I mentioned above began to have mechanical issues that required towing. One day it died at a major intersection with a street name the same as my husband's last name. To me, this was a sign that it was time to go.

The motorhome: When I first learned the art of creating vision boards, I included a photo of a Fleetwood motorhome. One showed up YEARS later. I didn't even realize it until after I had moved into it and put everything away, meticulously organizing my belongings in overheads and lower storage spaces. I had cut down a large poster into 8-1/2 x 11 sheets to fit into a loose-leaf binder which included other articles in addition to my vision sheets. I opened it up one day to see the image of the exact same motorhome I was living in.

My son's wedding: I had been suffering from symptoms of post-prescription drug withdrawal when I heard my son was getting married in one month - 1,500 miles away. In desperation, I cried out to God, "If you want me to go, send someone to help me and give me a reason to come back!" Within days, the right person showed up in the grocery store, and I was able to go to his wedding.

Furnished apartment: I had moved out to Texas at the end of 2006 with just what would fit in the back of my pickup truck. I had to give all my furniture away. When I found an apartment in 2012 and went over for a preview, the woman who was moving out was selling everything except her bed and dresser because she was moving into a 2-bedroom with her sister. Although she was planning to have a sale that weekend, I was able to buy everything for $250 and move into a fully furnished apartment. (My security deposit was $150 instead of $400, so I offered the difference, and she accepted it.)

A new computer: I was invited to a county political group meeting one day and learned the secretary was leaving the country for six months, so they needed a new secretary. Although it was on a volunteer basis, the job came with a new laptop computer plus Microsoft Office, which I needed to produce my books.

A new bed: A woman I met at an author event came over one day so we could work on a book project together. She noticed I didn't have a bed (I didn't keep the one I had in the previous apartment). That weekend, she and her husband drove an hour to bring me a full-sized electric adjustable bed.

Free education: Not having access to psychological counseling inspired me to learn how to do this for myself. As a result of this intention, a LOT of free docuseries, books, and programs showed up particularly on topics about trauma and post-traumatic growth.

The van, helpers, and companions: This one took I think about a year. I wrote a list of words to describe what I wanted to have in two categories: I AM and I LIVE WITH. I meditated on them daily as if I already had them. This list included transportation (that could accommodate my mobility scooter) and the characteristics of home health attendants I'd be happy with. I ended up with a wonderful van (my car miraculously sold within 24 hours) and each of the health care attendants that were sent to me turned out to be perfect companions. 

Bookends: I wanted some metal bookends. In this case, I didn't have the patience to wait and ordered some online. About two months later, I went to a garage sale where everything was being given away for free... including the same bookends. I took them anyway. It reminded me to be patient and wait with excited anticipation for the things I want to show up.

A new mobility scooter: Even though I had a vision of getting a really nice Pride Go Go mobility scooter, someone gave me a large, expensive Merits Vision electric wheelchair. After some months, I decided to put it up for sale and buy the mobility scooter I wanted. What happened was quite miraculous. The person who called me about the wheelchair asked me if I'd be willing to trade it for her mobility scooter... which turned out to be the Pride brand I wanted. We not only traded, but I had the opportunity to fulfill a dream of philanthropy in an unexpected way. I was able to give my other one to someone I know who needed one.

I have more dreams I visualize as if I already have them. They are written up on a Google Doc. I even wrote some fairytales about them. I practice trust, patience, gratitude, and appreciation. Trust and patience knowing these dreams will come true with divine timing (if they are in my highest and best good). Gratitude and appreciation for everything I already have.

Can you think of a time that you manifested something you wanted or needed? Do you keep a gratitude journal? Do you keep a list of miraculous manifestations?

Volunteer

I've always felt the need to have a purpose. During times I had none or was disconnected, I would get depressed and sometimes suicidal. Here are additional thoughts on the topic. In the early morning hours, I often scroll through social media and read emails. Oftentimes, I note connections and synchronicities in what I am thinking about and what shows up in my feed.

Amy Penny aka The Healer Chick recently posted this YouTube video by Dolores Cannon titled The Three Waves of Volunteers. She also has a book with the same title. Something clicked, and I felt the sense of excitement in discovering what I came to earth to do. Even if it's only my imagination, it doesn't matter. The discovery propels me to yet another level of understanding.

I came here as a volunteer. For what? To bring love where there is darkness and despair. This is an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. I'd been gathering clues relating to birth trauma, childhood trauma, and the chain of trauma that continued throughout my life which apparently affected my immune system and locked my nervous system into freeze.

I had also just recently seen information by Robert Schwartz about living according to the virtues you decided to work on before you incarnated... an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. This is his book on Amazon which I haven't read yet.

If I volunteered to bring love into the family I was born into, no wonder I changed my mind when I got here. It turned out to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. Dolores talked about this part. In changing my mind, I froze, rebelled, withdrew, didn't want to stay here, and became depressed… thinking it was much more than I could handle… then concluded that I failed. With a sense of failure, I went out into the world attracting similar situations because I didn't know any different. 

Perhaps it wasn't about the traumatic experiences themselves after all. And if it wasn't, if there is no such thing as failing, just another opportunity to learn what works by eliminating something else that doesn't, can you see where I am heading? Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before he invented the lightbulb.

When I collapsed in 1999 and ended up on permanent disability, I gave up on love. When I collapsed in 2010, once again I gave up on love. I drowned in the sensation of feeling abandoned and worthless. Every so often, a supernatural event would occur to remind me I had spiritual helpers, but I didn't know they were always there but not allowed to interfere without your request unless it was an emergency.

Here I am today, back to volunteering. I recently took on another assignment. Relax, I told myself. Pace yourself. I don't have to do it all today.

As I continue my quest for post-traumatic growth, studying and drinking up the contents of all things relating to psychology self-help style, another layer was revealed to me as to why people feel compelled to confide in me. Energetically, they know I am a volunteer.

In seeking recovery from chronic depression (and grief), one thing that is recommended is to volunteer for a worthy cause. I struggled with this one due to physical limitations. But eventually, I found plenty to volunteer for. Plenty. So much so, as a super achiever, I burned myself out. 

I quit volunteering for a while but soon new projects found their way to me. I must be a volunteer magnet. I'd easily spend hours working on something that someone else may have completed in ten minutes. I had a steady disability income, although not enough for everything I wanted in life (like holistic medicine and psychology), so I volunteered to use my computer skills to do bookkeeping and secretarial skills for local nonprofits. It was technical work. I could detach emotionally while I stayed busy. My self-worth was dependent on completing tasks… for other people.

Volunteer. When I got back on the Community Attendant Service (CAS) program in August 2019, I found myself volunteering to mentor beautiful young women who were sent to be my helpers. At first, I felt like this was a part-time job. I had to create a task list for them, schedule the time, be up and ready for their arrival whether I felt up to it or not. I got to practice a lot of what I had been learning. It took a while before I realized why they (and others) felt compelled to share their emotional experiences and challenges with me.

Another layer to all of this was being told I am a Heyoka empath. I blend and merge with other people and often don't know that much of what I feel isn't mine. It is others. Which circles back around to pre-birth… in the womb… absorbing the emotions of the parents I volunteered to bring love to… in the midst of their acting out their personal wounded, traumatized inner children.

Volunteer. I compensated for my desire to volunteer by joining clubs and non-profit organizations, volunteering to be their secretary, social media admin, public relations person, and/or bookkeeper. I volunteered to help people get their stories/books published. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I ended up volunteering to study all the healing modalities I'd need to improve my personal health because I couldn't afford to pay others for these services.

Volunteer. As I circle back around into my original plan to bring love into my family, COVID brought the opportunity for my family members to learn how to use video conferencing technology. Because I had to learn how to use it myself, I decided to try getting my remaining family members connected via Zoom. It's been a wonderful reunion and success but also has its challenges. I often feel just as drained after a video visit as I do if I had visited in person. I want the visits to be uplifting but my natural tendency as a human emotional vacuum cleaner is to absorb all the uncomfortable emotions and leave behind love. Then I have to figure out how to empty my vacuum cleaner bag… but first, I'd have to figure out that it is full.

I like this newly inspired concept of being a human emotional vacuum cleaner. Just like spoon theory is a concept of available energy, I can determine how big my vacuum cleaner bag (or container) is… and remember to dump it out regularly. Before it gets so full it bursts. Before my little bucket overflows.

Expansion. The sensation of expanding beyond my physical body when I close my eyes… expanding to blend in with universal life energy… and universal love… expanding beyond my storytelling mind, toxic thoughts, and their resulting emotions. Doing this without alcohol or drugs. Wouldn't it be nice to become addicted to expansion? I've been reading you can be addicted to toxic thoughts.

P.S. I decided the bus I am going to use in the bus analogy (continued from my last post) would be a yellow school bus. The thoughts that often hop on board are unruly children.

 
I must be their competent bus driver and pay attention to the road. Let the bus monitor deal with the children.

According to ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), one cannot change toxic thoughts or make them go away. You must accept them and take them for a ride. Maybe at some point, I can upgrade to driving a luxurious tour bus. But for now, I must nurture my inner child and the inner children of the people who are in my life.

After all, I volunteered to love. Including myself.

In the meantime, it is vital for my survival (and yours) to establish boundaries. Use a word such as regardless to restate your boundary once you figure out what it is when someone you establish a boundary with attempts to climb your castle wall to invade your space.

Yes, I like this analogy, too. The ultimate fairy tale always has a castle. Some get locked in a tower (depression) for years before they are rescued. But some will die there alone. Some live in dilapidated filthy castles, imprisoned in their minds, and don't allow anyone into their space. Some keep their castles spotless, and invite people to fancy balls. Then after everyone leaves, they retreat into their personal gloom. Some castles have lots of rooms for guests. Who are these guests? Your thoughts, of course.

Perhaps no one is who you think they are… not even you. Have you ever noticed a sense of transformation when you let go of false beliefs and create new ones? It is a possibility for everyone…

Here's to synchronicity. After I wrote this early this morning, I opened Judith Orloff's book Thriving As An Empath to March 19… setting your intention:

I will be ready for renewal. I will anticipate spring with excitement and embrace the ongoing transformation of my mind, body, and spirit.

Sabbatical

Here it is the year 2020. In the midst of thoughts of feeling sad… homesick... and missing the relationship I had with my son when he was young… the word sabbatical was telepathically whispered into my ears. Sabbatical? I am reading Ask Your Guides by Sonia Choquette, and it seems more than coincidental that I got this message.

What if I could view my time in Texas as an extended sabbatical for the purpose of recreating myself? Because I’ve stayed in one place now longer than ever before (8 years in the same apartment complex, 4 years in my current unit), I feel content with a touch of homesick. While I miss seeing my mom, siblings, son, granddaughter, and all the places I used to go, time away allowed me to leave behind parts of myself that were not healthy. The feeling of emptiness when this happens can be unbearable. I must admit that time brought with it a maturity I didn’t know was possible... even though I can still sense more is coming.

I like the sound of sabbatical. It feels like there is a purpose to it.

I drove 1,500 miles to Texas with just what fit in the back of my GMC Sonoma with a camper shell at the end of 2006… to run away from everything that hurt, only to encounter more things that hurt. Feeling beat up and battered, I had not thought of myself as a warrior princess... which may have made a huge difference in how I dealt with my circumstances. 

Lately, I've been watching some Studio Ghibli warrior princess movies as well as The Shannara Chronicles with young female warriors. What if I could be as strong as they are? I even felt the thrill of playing my first video game in which I chose a princess who wore a long pink gown. I experienced a healing thrill as I pressed the buttons on the console which made her punch and kick her enemies. When the enemy knocked her off, she came back to life again to fight another battle. She was INVINCIBLE.

One of many definitions of sabbatical I found is: “The purpose of the sabbatical leave is to provide faculty members with an opportunity for further professional growth and development so that they may serve more effectively on their campuses and in their field of specialization.” It can also be a break from some type of career. I even read a book about a housewife who took a year sabbatical from her marriage.

After reading What Should I Do with My Life? by Po Bronson, the wheels began to turn in my mind with possibility. What many people end up doing with their life is nothing like what they set out to do. You can have a Ph.D. and choose to become a farmer.

Mmmm. Faculty members. I could think of myself as a professor with a Ph.D., couldn’t I? I hadn’t seen moving here as an opportunity for further professional growth and development because I haven't been employed, but what if I could see it as one? After all, I've learned quite a bit in various volunteer roles since I moved here, adding them to my resume. I could view my campus as the town I now reside in along with the internet. As for a field of specialization, as I self-educate on the topics I’ve become interested in, I feel like at some point a common ‘specialization’ will emerge. I read many stories about this in Po's book.

Granted I’ve been gone for going on 14 years now, even though I was able to make a few trips back to visit over the years. Somehow the idea of sabbatical feels important and less permanent. Perhaps I can make up and even print some certificates for additional college-level degrees to stroke my ego. Since that time, I have:

• endured and survived quite a few more life challenges.
• taught myself how to format and self-publish my own books… and completed about 15 of my own plus some for other authors.
• created two websites, one with a blog, and wrote a lot of blog posts… and even created websites for others.
• learned how to produce my own songs at home.
• volunteered for multiple non-profits as a bookkeeper, treasurer, secretary, and more.
• learned about CBT, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other matters pertaining to the mind.
• learned a lot about holistic health and ways to improve my own.
• learned about alternative treatments for chronic pain.
• read a lot of books and internet articles.
• participated in a number of local educational programs.
• accumulated a lot of personal possessions along with giving some away.

And this last year, I have:

• endured and survived more life challenges and made it to the age of 64.
• made some new friends.
• experienced a surge of abundance.
• received the therapies and services I desperately needed.
• realized that resentment was still lingering and holding me back.
• watched a lot of inspiring movies.

Another aspect of sabbatical can be applied to the times in between going out into the world and days of hibernation. I could view my apartment being located anywhere in the world, couldn't I? A cabin in the mountains. A chateau on the ocean. A suite at a resort. A 42-foot motor home in a trailer park by a lake. France. Italy. Germany. One of the many beautiful places on our planet.

Some people go to another country for a year or more for such a sabbatical. I feel like I live in another country here in Central Texas vs. either east or west coasts. The distance to the closest family member feels like I'm in another country, too. It would be nice if I could astral travel to wherever I wanted to go, just show up, no need to pack anything, and forget about all past feelings of abandonment and the resulting resentment because none of them could come to visit me. In the meantime, the above list can remind me of how much I have accomplished even though I kept getting lost along the way. I wonder what 2020 will bring.

Miracles

This morning when I was introducing my family to someone new (via photos) and telling her about the miracles in my family, I realized I was being reminded of additional possible miracles for myself, too.

When my brother, Jon, was born, doctors didn't expect him to live. And if he did live, they said he'd be a vegetable. Contrary to what they recommended (put him in an institution), my parents took him home after 30 days in the hospital. The large spinal fluid-filled sac at the base of his skull was removed along with part of his brain. He was supposedly a vegetable and blind. My mother figured out it was reflexes he lacked so he couldn't blink. She taught him how to blink. To make a really long story short, he lived to be 49 years old. He could laugh, play, and love even though there wasn't much he could do physically.

When I miraculously was able to walk again after five years of having two numb, heavy legs, I never imagined the possibility of becoming wheelchair dependent again. In efforts to support my weight with canes and a walker after jarring my lower spine which affected my legs, my arms (more so the right) from shoulder to fingertips became compromised. On top of all that, I developed difficulty swallowing... even water... and lost eight pounds in two months. As petite as I am, fortunately, I had excess belly fat to lose. Malnutrition weakened me further.

After many months of doing my best to maintain my independence, I decided it was time to reapply for CAS (Community Attendant Services) through Medicaid. It took a few months for all the paperwork to get processed. Relieved to finally have someone coming over every morning for companionship and to help me with laundry, cleaning, dishes, food prep, and run errands for me, I found myself telling her the miracle story about my brother.

After telling her that story (I am a self-declared storyteller), I began to tell another one. When my son was four, I went to a single parent event. The next person in line was another single mom with a precious four-year-old daughter with blond hair and huge blue eyes. While waiting in line, I learned the girl had a rare condition, and her mom was trying to get her on an organ transplant list, hoping for the transplant before the young girl died. I remember believing that Chantel would live despite what her doctors were predicting. Then I lost touch with them. I had moved out of the apartment complex about a year after meeting them. Matter of fact, I had moved quite a few times, including to Texas and back to California. But this story is about them, not me, so I will continue with the story.

Thirteen years went by. One day, I went to visit my older sister's house. There was something very familiar with the eighteen-year-old blond-haired blue-eyed girl who was hanging out with my nephew in her adorable pajamas, but I couldn’t place her. Then I heard her name.

“Chantel? Is your Mom Cheryl?” The answer was yes.

Chantel had indeed grown to be a very positive bubbly happy beautiful young woman!

About two years later, Chantel announced to my sister that she was pregnant. Then she held up a marriage certificate to prove that they had eloped two months before. They had gotten married in secret after my nephew turned 18. I don’t remember why they felt they had to elope.

Chantel’s team of doctors was not happy about Chantel being pregnant. Medically they didn’t even know how it was possible after all the surgeries she had endured over the years. They strongly prodded her to terminate the pregnancy – yes her doctors – as a pregnancy would most likely kill her. Chantel said no. I could see in her eyes that she believed everything would be OK, and she was willing to risk her life to try and have the baby.

Chantel carried her baby to term and gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, without any of the predicted complications in December of 2004. Everyone celebrated the miracle. Two years later, Chantel became pregnant again. Her doctors, just like before, were apprehensive that the pregnancy could kill her. Chantel refused to terminate the pregnancy, took really good care of herself, and in September 2007, gave birth to another healthy baby girl. Chantel and her daughters are healthy and happy.

After I told both these stories... stating doctors are not God, I felt as if the words were meant to be spoken to myself. I felt inspired by telling my own inspirational story. Just like my brother could laugh, play, and love... despite his disabilities, I can, too. Maybe my condition will improve. Maybe it won't.

I now have two beautiful, amazing young attendants who love what they are doing... helping people... the aged and disabled... and caring for them. I'm glad they have a cheery person to take care of. No matter how much my body aches and how limited it is, I can still smile, laugh, love, listen... and tell stories.

Self-Confidence

I can't exactly remember when I suddenly felt self-confident. It seemed like one day I woke up and I was. It has been a long journey in which I lost all sense of what little self-confidence I had to where I am now. Occasionally, I flounder but temporarily.

I'm certain Facebook (and recently Instagram) had something to do with it. I not only found Positive Psychology, I found lots of people who were practicing it as their professions. However, just like many other people, at first, I dealt with Facebook envy... until I came across articles on this very subject... and learned it is REAL. After seeing a feed of all the wonderful things happening in other people's lives, people can get depressed. Here's a link with more about this topic:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/media-spotlight/201505/exploring-facebook-depression

Then I became one of the people who only posted the best that was going on in my life. Yes, there are many posts by people asking for prayers for a life crisis, giving me opportunities to send energetic prayers. There are also people using Facebook to vent and the cyberbullying that follows.

I also noticed that I had people envy. I'd see people dressed well and presenting themselves well, driving nice cars, assuming they had everything I always wanted and didn't or ever have. Again, over time, as I learned more about the people who were in the clubs I attended, I found out they had personal challenges, too. They had just learned to smile through it all.

I had lived way too many years isolated in a "box," after being rejected so many times for talking about my issues... without realizing I was talking to the wrong people. Then in July 2015, I found Toastmasters. Just about every speech I heard, especially ones given at contests, included a tragic (my viewpoint) story the person speaking had managed to transform.

Yesterday, I went to the Toastmasters Division L contest. There were five amazing speeches, and we all wondered how on earth the judges would be able to select first, second, and third place winners. In my selective listening, my inner antenna picked up on what was said by officers and dignitaries in addition to speakers. Toastmasters had transformed their lives because it had given them opportunities to learn new skills... and help other people.

At first, I was one of the people receiving the help. As I took advantage of training that was offered, and as time went on, I developed skills that could help other people, but not just any way. Help other people build self-confidence. Since it took me so darn long to get this myself, I have lots of patience and understanding for others who are still struggling with this. I now know it is possible for everybody, regardless of the roads they've had to travel. Without their stories, people wouldn't have any interest in listening.

With the help of Google, here are a few quotes I found:

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” -- Louise L. Hay

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt

“To establish true self-confidence, we must concentrate on our successes and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.” -- Denis Waitley

I also found an article on the 10 Things You Can Do to Boost Self-Confidence by Chris W. Dunn. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/281874 He begins with the following quote and I included the first paragraph:

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on.” -- Maxwell Maltz
Nobody is born with limitless self-confidence. If someone seems to have incredible self-confidence, it’s because he or she has worked on building it for years. Self-confidence is something that you learn to build up because the challenging world of business, and life in general, can deflate it. -- Chris W. Dunn

Number 7 is the one that has influenced me the most. Help someone else. Helping someone else often enables us to forget about ourselves and to feel grateful for what we have. It also feels good when you are able to make a difference for someone else. Instead of focusing on your own weaknesses, volunteer to mentor, practically assist or teach another, and you'll see your self-confidence grow automatically in the process.

There have always been ways to volunteer in my community... at churches... the Mission... animal rescue... nursing homes... hospitals... but for me, I found my nitch in helping people who need a boost in self-confidence.

Smile, Volunteer, Be Grateful, Exercise, Empower Yourself With Knowledge.

Prayer Hearts

I finished reading the book God is a Verb by Rabbi David Cooper. I had read it many years ago but decided to pick it up again. When I got to the part about raising Holy Sparks, I was inspired to write positive outcomes on little hearts and put them in my prayer box instead of letting the world's problems rest heavy on my heart. (The hearts in the photo are blank to protect the privacy of the individuals I pray for.)

Here's a snippet from the website Holy Sparks in Kabbalah

"Every particle in our physical universe, every structure and every being is a shell that contains sparks of holiness. Our task, according to Luria, is to release each spark from the shell and raise it up, ultimately to return it to its original state. The way these sparks are raised is through acts of loving kindness, of being in harmony with the universe, and through higher awareness.

"The ramifications of this teaching are enormous. In each moment of existence we have the potential to raise holy sparks. If we are unaware of this ability and are spiritually asleep, then we do not accomplish much, for the medium through which sparks are raised is consciousness itself.

"Our opportunities to raise sparks are boundless. The choices we make for our activities, the interactions we have with our family, friends, neighbors, business associates, and even strangers, the way we spend our leisure time, the books we read, the television we watch, the way we relate to food, everything in daily life presents sparks locked in husks awaiting release."

This weekend many people are observing Good Friday, Passover, and Easter Sunday. Even if you are not, I invite you to either draw hearts or cut some up like I did. Each time you see sad or catastrophic news (or experience a situation which is), write the outcome you desire on a heart.  If many more people do this, too, perhaps we can raise the vibration of love on our planet.

Appreciation

In several previous posts, I've written about Gratitude. Appreciation is slightly different. Webster's definition of appreciation is: "a feeling or expression of admiration, approval, or gratitude." If you're like me, having the approval of others has been a major ingredient in your self-esteem. If someone didn't approve of you or your actions, it affected you deeply. Since then, I've learned the only approval anyone needs is from themselves.

Showing appreciation can make a huge difference in relationships between partners, siblings, parents, other relatives, friends, teachers, co-workers, employees, club members, and other associates. Google appreciation in relationships and you'll find a LOT of information. I found in an article by Huffington Post on 5 ways to show appreciation to your partner. I've modified the content to include everyone in your life. Here's the link to the full article if you'd like to read it:

5 Ways to Show Your Appreciation to Your Partner

1) Notice the little things. Show appreciation by saying "Thank You" even for things you may take for granted.

2) Notice the big things. Shower the person with compliments.

3) Support their passions. Offer to do something for them so they have time to pursue a passion as well as encourage them to do so. It's never too late and you're never too old (unless you are in hospice care or on life support). All it takes is consistent baby steps to make progress. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the journey.

4) Compliment people who are in your life. Find something... anything... to compliment them on. You may have to build trust on this one if in the past, the only time you paid a compliment, it was because you wanted something from the other person.

5) Date your partner... or friend... or sibling... or parent. You get the idea. It means a lot to the other person, especially in a time of internet to actually set a date to meet with someone. If you live long distance, hand-written letters still matter, especially for those of us who save them in a special box. If the internet goes down and the power goes out, you can pass away the time by reading them again.

I subscribe to Katie & Gay Hendricks' emails and many of their content involves restoring relationships through appreciation. Here's their website:

Katie & Gay Hendricks -- Hearts in Harmony

I even go as far as appreciating things.

Try this for 'size': hold a piece of clothing up to your chest before you put it on and after you take it off and say, "I really appreciate you being in my life and keeping me warm" (or cool if it is summer). Admire your shoes and say the same things. If you don't feel this admiration for something you wear, consider donating it.

I've written about The Broken Branch after realizing I was focusing on the one thing (the one broken branch) that I was unhappy with... the spot on my face or the strands of my hair... missing out on the whole of me that made me human as well as the whole of earth that we all live on.

Spend a few minutes every so often looking at each item on your knick-knack shelves, walls, and bookcases. Tell each that you appreciate them coming into form so you can admire their beauty. Do the same for your furniture, plants, and everything else you own. Think about the cat who appreciates a simple shoe box and the toddler who appreciates the wrapping paper more than the gifts.

Whenever you get in your car, tell the car you appreciate it for it transporting you to where you want to go (and sometimes where you don't really want to go). I often say thank you for starting on a frigid cold morning and thank you for keeping me safe. I tell it "you are beautiful" and a very special part of my life.

Yes, one day I learned that all matter is energy and a common thought pattern resulted in the manifestation of everything we have. It feels good to appreciate all that I have, even the silverware I eat with.

At one time, I got through the most difficult days by appreciating all the body parts that were functioning (and didn't hurt) instead of the parts that were 'struggling.' To reflect back on that time, I would have added to tell my body "thank you" for working so efficiently each time I succeeded in urinating, having a bowel movement, swallowing. It is, after all, a miracle we even became a human being from the energy of a single cell. Thank you, heart, for pumping blood all through my body.

What can you appreciate today?

Joy in the Senses

One morning last month, I woke up feeling a bit blue. It sure would have been nice to know what I had been dreaming about to give me a clue. But then a thought popped into my head--to use my senses--see, smell, hear, taste, and touch. First I just lay there and visualized a number of things in each category. Then as I thought of more, I got the paper out to write them down.

What have I seen that brought me joy?

Rainbows. The day everything turns green in Spring. The sight of green rolling hills when I am driving. Adorable animals like kittens playing, monkeys frolicking, and squirrels jumping from one tree to the next. Beautiful dances. Photos and videos of my precious granddaughter and my friends' children. Great movies. Exquisite art. The joy on a person's face after I've published their first book. Seeing beautiful images emerge from photos I've taken.

What have I smelled that brought me joy?

Essential oils like Citrus Bliss. The air just after it has rained. Something yummy cooking. The scent of flowers and Rosemary bushes.

What have I heard that brought me joy?

The sound of children's laughter. The voice of my loved ones when they call. Meows from kittens.  Compliments on work I've done. Amazing music. Inspirational/motivational speeches.

What have I tasted that brought me joy?

Delicious food! Dark chocolate, ginger tea, honey, black-strap molasses and chopped pecans on top of Vanilla Bean Coconut Milk Ice Cream, Chocolate Chip Cookies. Anything with Sea Salt on it.

What have I touched that brought me joy?

A soft kitten or puppy. Soft blankets.

In addition to the 5 senses, I added another one:

What have I felt that brought me joy?

Warm showers. Satisfaction of accomplishing and completing sometimes challenging projects. Raising money for a local TNR Non-Profit from the Earrings I made. The sensation of being on a boat that is being rocked by the waves. Knowing I have the skills to efficiently complete tasks others can't do on their own. The completion of a writing project. The excitement when I get a newly published book in the mail. Reading someone else's amazing book. Receiving unexpected gifts. Knowing that my past experiences have given me the wisdom to help another up when they fall--that I can make a difference. Deep meaningful connections and conversations. The increase in confidence I've been acquiring. Pride for the amazing son I raised who is now an amazing father. Synchronicity. Gratitude.

It didn't take me very long to lift up my mood that morning. I then created the above official list to include in my first-aid kit in case I fall into a blue mood again, which happens every so often.

I highly recommend that you make a similar list for yourself. Hopefully, you will remember where you put it! I originally wrote out a list on the piece of paper I mentioned in the beginning of the post, but I couldn't find it to write this blog post so I had to recreate it.

Fairy Tale Project

Once upon a time… is how every Fairy Tale begins. But it is the endings that are the most significant. For the past few years, I’ve been reading and listening to people like Gregg Braden, Teal Swan, and Abraham-Hicks about the Universal laws of attraction. I have also been meeting people who have become certified Life Coaches – the new field of Positive Psychology. What do they all say? If you don’t like your life, create a new one! Figure out what you want and imagine what it feels like to already have it and believe you will get it! Because you just might! In the meantime, your mind won’t know the difference.

I’ve lived a crazy, chaotic life (moved 43 times) and kept wishing and hoping that it would get better, but I didn’t realize until recently that because I was focusing on how I felt in the midst of the messes, I shut out possibilities for happiness. I’ve since learned that wishing and hoping implies that what you want would maybe happen someday in the future which won’t work when you are trying to manifest something now.

What the Life Coaches are all teaching is that you will manifest (attract) what you continuously focus on and that feelings are what bring into your life what you get. If you feel poor, you will continue to attract situations that will validate that you are poor. If you have self-love issues, you will continue to attract situations and partners into your life that will validate that you have low self-worth. Do you get the picture? Of course, there are exceptions as accidents happen, but I won’t go into them here.

I wrote two memoirs about what really happened in my life: "Appearances: A Journey of Self-Discovery" and "Love, Life, & God: Getting Past the Pain," but I decided to start writing fictitious fairy tales to create very different imaginary outcomes to some of those life experiences. I’d dream as big as I could and while writing it, stay connected to the way it feels as if I already have everything I could imagine.

I’d begin to retrain my brain to only think possibilities and refuse to listen to old negative self-talk. Thus, I wrote a fairy tale of about 5,500 words – not enough for a book. But I already started to think big, and posted in a Writer’s Group on Facebook what other people thought about contributing stories for this project. And in thinking BIG, I got 35 initial responses. FAIRY TALE PROJECT was born. I could create an anthology just like Jack Canfield did with “Chicken Soup for the Soul”! Now that’s thinking BIG!

I was pleasantly surprised as to how many people loved this idea of writing their own fairy tales. With all the positive energy growing out of everyone’s excitement in this group, wonderful things for all of us are sure to begin manifesting!