Cell Awareness

While I laid in bed doing Word Puzzles, I began to have a conversation with myself about the pain in my body and all the emotions it stirred up. I got interesting responses. (Do you ever talk to yourself?)

Years ago when I was sick, I felt isolated and unwanted. There was no Facebook back then to get connected with the outside world.

While having this conversation with myself, I realized I was empathizing with the virus itself. I DIDN'T WANT IT. A lot of my frustration was because of this. GO AWAY!

Upon further research, I learned that viruses and bacteria have energetic vibrations with emotions.

Viruses have the energy of unworthiness.

In my much younger years when I contracted the virus (Mono/Epstein Barr), I had low self-worth. I found it interesting that I made this connection.

I also recently began trying a new meditation which puts me right to sleep at night... most of the time.

I keep hearing/reading that we need to go inside our bodies and pay attention to all its signals. I already know I spend too much time in my mind. (Meanwhile, I am reading A New Earth).

I 'climb' inside and visualize a Universe of cells floating in empty space, intelligently and intuitively knowing exactly what to do. It's pretty amazing to see billions of cells compared to a solid body and comprehend how amazing you are... regardless of chronic illness and/or pain.

I then pay attention to a pain spot (one of many techniques I learned) -- what color, shape, etc. is it?

Before I can complete the process, a new pain in a different body part makes itself known. What began in the hip, is now in the foot, etc.

Thus, I learned something new. Well, maybe not so new. I've read it and heard it said numerous times. Pain is energy and moves around. Pain is moving around in my body where before it seemed to be in one place.

This pain that is moving around in my body... this energy... what exactly is it? If I can manage to focus on it long enough... instead of falling into sleep... will I be able to see it?

It is still challenging for me to comprehend my body as ENERGY and empty space... but then I look out into the sky and photos/videos of stars, planets, Universes, black holes... we, too, are star stuff.

Word Puzzles & Viruses

Word Puzzles. I’ve been obsessed with doing them for weeks. Staring at words… searching for words… believing one or more would inspire me to uncover something I needed to know. I didn't have much focus or energy to do anything else. I felt drained, achy all over, and the pain of an erupting Herpes sore. It knocked my feet out from under me. As much as I had learned up to this point, I spiraled down into hopelessness and despair.

Yes, the virus found me as a host when I was about 21 years old. Then it partnered with me for life. This virus buries itself into your nerve endings and is extremely painful when it erupts. I can't even begin to imagine what Shingles is like when you get multiple sores. I got chicken pox when I was 16, but have no memory of pain. It, too, is in the Herpes/Epstein Barr family of viruses, so maybe that is when it all began. What I was about to learn, though, is that these (Herpes/Epstein Barr family of viruses) invades your entire neurological system, not just the site of the eruption. It is a neurotoxin.

I took the clipboard with word puzzles into bed to rest my weary, aching body. It was the weekend. Don't we always get sick on the weekends when the doctor's office is closed? Despite the foam and all my pillows, I couldn't get comfortable. I am still wishing for a sleeping situation when you are weightless.

While doing the puzzles, I asked and wrote down: “Why so sad?” "What are you ruminating about?" (Yes, your thoughts will have a direct effect on your moods. Did you know that when you ask your soul questions, you can get answers?)

Answers: "Memories of the past when I was sick, alone, and no one was there. But you’re not there anymore. This is rest time--another assignment comes soon."

Then I heard the thought, “Alone," and wrote this word down. Yes, I felt alone. But now I applied the CBT I had learned and asked myself if it was really TRUE.

Answer: "No. You have spiritual buddies. What happens when you feel alone?"

Me: "Withdraw inward. Discomfort. Unloved. Secluded. Abandoned. Unwanted."

Suddenly I realized HERPES has emotions, too! (Later in this post, I will reveal new information I learned about this.)

I asked, "What can I do to help the virus? I know you’re unwanted, but if you go to Creator, you will be wanted. It’s not that I don’t want you, I don’t want how you’re making me feel, and I don’t want the pain and exhaustion. (Trying to convince the virus to leave.) When loved ones die, I remember them in my heart--like Dad and Jon and other relatives/people I knew. I need to kill you to transmute you. You won’t be forgotten. You can go to virus heaven." (At that point I got up out of bed and felt hopeful.)

Unwanted. CBT Fact Check. I’m no longer alone. Matter of fact, I called the number I got about 2 years ago for a lady who would run errands for you. I needed more Epsom salt and more food but was too sick to go out. I made the call. It turned out to be Esmeralda--a woman I had seen many places around town, including here in my complex. All I had to do was text her what I needed. She got it all for me, and I didn’t have to pay until she delivered it--proof that I have what I need when I need it (most of the time--she doesn't do this on weekends). 

At this I was able to separate ME from the VIRUS--and feel a sense of relief. There had been something else I had read or had written that when I am feeling the blues, ask where else in the world is it blue? Then send Reiki to that situation, and I’ll feel better. 

Herpes knew it was not wanted but I was believing that it was ME that was not wanted. Can you wrap your head around this spiritual/energetic concept?

This time, however, I was a current patient of Bri Linney, a Holistic Practitioner. What I didn't know is that I could have emailed her about what was about to sprout, and she would have responded right away instructing me on how to 'defend' myself before it completely invaded my space. I was going to hold out until my appointment on Monday, which I did, but I know better for next time.

That Monday afternoon, instead of the usual dialog I'd get from a doctor along with prescription drugs, I got new answers. She said the pain I've been developing in my legs, glutes, and bottoms of my feet over the years, getting progressively worse, was because the virus (Herpes & Epstein Barr) had invaded the nerves in my spine. The good news is I had been worried about L5-S1 nerve compression which wasn't fixable. 

At first, I thought this new information about being caused by the viruses was not good, but Bri turned it around with a protocol to kick it out and encouraging words that it could be done. It turned out, I wasn't going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, year after year, getting progressively worse. I hope!

I had begun reading the book HOW TO BE SICK by Toni Bernhard. Perfect timing. One must adopt an attitude of acceptance--otherwise, frustration and distress will increase your discomfort. Just like the weather, flares are unpredictable. And just like the weather, the worst of storms move on to make way for sunshine.

Then it was Wednesday, the 3rd day on the new protocol for a viral flare. I finally felt well enough to do some research, and on Thursday, I received an unexpected phone call from my previous Holistic Practitioner who provided me with additional information. No, spiritually, I was not alone.

The protocol: (Keep in mind I was muscle tested for each of these and my body determined how much I needed.)

• doTERRA Copaiba (CBD Oil), Frankincense, Lavender, and Balance essential oils, plus xEOMega. (Bri is also a doTERRA Wellness Advocate and I already had these in my inventory.)

• Energetix Core St. John's Wart, Viru-Chord, and Lymph-Tone (to move the virus out of the lymphatic system), 

• Standard Process Lact-Enz, SP Fen-Cho, with the addition of SP Calcium Lactate and SP Immuplex supplements.

• Apply the oils and anti-viral formulas to the bottoms of my feet (including Lavender), 

• Soak with Epsom Salt to include these same ingredients without Lavender, 

• Apply Balance to my HPA Axis.

The pain was finally beginning to decrease on the pain scale by Wednesday.

Research: I wondered if there was anything in Theta Healing by Vianna Stibal about Herpes. On page 243-244, I found "VIRUSES SHARE BELIEFS WITH THE HOST… viruses have the ability to tap into human group consciousness and are drawn to a particular person because they share the same programmes." (Wow!) 

"We attract diseases to us in the same way that we attract people to us--through parallel belief systems. Viruses are drawn to the negative attributes of a person." 

When Vianna had a patient who kept getting outbreaks, she was told by Creator to witness the feeling programme of ‘I am worthy of God’s love’ into the virus with the same feeling. (Mmmm… I got this virus back when I felt unworthy. Can I make it leave now?) 

"A virus is an alien invader in every cell. To guard ourselves from viruses, we change the beliefs that are drawing them to us and then mutate the virus with belief work at the same time. This changes the belief system of the virus so that it does not have to attack us to survive, thus transmuting it to a life form harmless to the host. Witness the virus changed to a form that is harmless." 

Page 245: "Herpes look like little robots when seen intuitively. A virus has a belief system of four levels, the same as humans. Ask the Creator of All That Is what feelings to instill so that it will change to a form harmless to the host."

In the meantime, I’d been reading the book, Captain of my Ship, Master of My Soul, an autobiography by F. Holmes Atwater. The author speaks about how Guidance (Creator) led him from one situation to the next in perfect synchronistic order. It certainly sounded like how my life has been playing out. I couldn’t remember where I got the book, but it had info about the Monroe Institute and Hemi-Sync. Maybe it was sent in a package I ordered years ago. I began digesting the material about remote viewing… and wondered if I could learn to SEE inside my own body. In Theta Healing, we can develop the skill to see inside another person's body.

As one thing always leads to another, during this time, Phaedra Antioco was doing more webinars on recovering from Chronic Pain… using the Digital Human Anatomy Atlas to show every detail of inside our bodies. I had no idea there was so much more than the general body parts I had learned about. With this software, she could unclick one layer after another so we could see how it all fit together. I am spellbound by the technology that exists that enables us to do this without dissecting a cadaver. She included exploring the emotional roots, trauma, frozen energy, etc.

As I mentioned earlier in this post, Ambika had called me that Thursday afternoon, and we got caught up. She, too, had been dealing with a viral flare-up but was excited about new information she came across by Anthony Williams, Medical Medium. She told me about his website and archived radio shows, recommending I listen to the one on Herpes. When I went to that website and clicked on the link to SoundCloud, the first one on the top was titled Epstein-Barr Virus-Revealed. This audio pulled all the things I had been learning together and provided new information I hadn't come across before. If you've dealt with chronic illness, especially undiagnosable ones that have been classified as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia, I highly recommend you listen to it. Click on the link above.

I've finished the last of the word puzzle books I had... time to go get more... 

Great books to read when you're not feeling well:

NORMAL is just a setting on your dryer by Patsy Clairmont

HOW TO BE SICK by Toni Bernhard

How Can You Not Laugh at a Time Like This by Carla Ulbrich

Brain Fog

Memory? I don't know where it went. Perhaps a virus ate it a long time ago. Perhaps it fell in a vent.

It first disappeared when I was really young, and I couldn’t find my way home. After I drove by a number of times, I had to call my mother on the phone.

Years later it disappeared again when my doctors prescribed too many powerful meds. Instead of getting better, I had to make good friends with my bed.

A few times I’ve had amnesia and felt like I was hopelessly lost. Then I had to dig my way out of a metaphorical deep freeze and wait for my brain to defrost.

I learned many life lessons but soon forgot, so I’d have to learn them again. Many times I couldn’t remember places I’ve lived and certainly couldn’t remember when.

I recognize people I know, but can't remember from where. It's embarrassing when I pretend I do while I stare at the color of their hair.

I knew your name yesterday, but today I've forgotten. Fortunately, I didn't leave anything in the refrigerator to get rotten.

I file papers neatly into organized folders. But somehow the piece of paper I need must have been moved by an invisible soldier.

I wrote something down on a piece of paper so I won’t forget what it is. But the paper seems to have relocated itself, and I’m sure it knows it won’t be missed.

I've driven to that place at least six times so far, but still need my GPS to tell me where to turn. You’d think by now I would have figured it out, and to be frank, it has me concerned.

Once I was about to go somewhere but couldn’t remember where I put my keys. I finally gave up, unzipped my jacket, and found them hooked to the neck of my tee.

I can’t remember what I eat for meals, so I log what I eat in a book. Then when I get hungry, I can flip through the pages and look.

I just ate lunch an hour ago, but I forgot to write it down in my log. Now I can’t remember what I had, and my mind is lost in a fog.

I went to the store to purchase something, but now I can’t remember what. I looked around and went home again. It would have been easier to have it delivered by truck.

After 43 moves, I better stay put and never move again. That way my car can remember where home is, and I won’t have to make anymore new friends.

When I wake up in the morning, I can't remember the day before. It turned out I no longer need to worry when I go to bed at night because I can't even remember what I wore.

I have to read what I write many times--because by the time I get to the next paragraph, what I already wrote has slipped my mind.

I write articles and stories which I publish on my blog and in books, then promptly forget they exist. It’s nice to have books to read again, so my experiences don’t evaporate into mist.

Sometimes I wonder if what I wrote about really happened or whether they were just illusions. Thinking like this can surely stir up quite a bit of confusion.

I’ve saved thousands of digital files, but now I wonder why. Maybe I thought I would read them, I can’t remember I have them, and I can’t take any of it with me when I die.

I wonder if all my ideas come from a completely different part of my brain. Somehow they weave their way down to my fingers, without the need for me to retain.

Memory, oh memory, where art thou now? I even forget to breathe sometimes, and it's not because I don't know how.

I forget to breathe while I sleep and need a machine to jumpstart my lungs. I forget to breathe while I stand at the kitchen sink because my legs were stronger when I was young.

Of course, when you don’t get enough oxygen, brain cells will certainly die. I know I should meditate daily and deep breathing can make me feel high.

Exercise can do the same thing with your blood pumping swiftly through your veins. It really feels good when I remember to, and I simply must take control of the reins.

My internet just went out again, and I wonder if my brain disconnects the same way. I suppose it no longer matters because I can’t remember what I was going to say.

I'm surprised I made it here to be with you and even more surprised if I remember your name. It's not that I don't care about you, my memory is to blame.

There is some good news in all of this, sometimes a memory floats to the surface. But I have to catch it quickly before it loses its sense of purpose.

I’ll read this poem a hundred times, and each time it will be brand new. It will spark a smile and entertain me, and I hope it has entertained you.

Health Education Continued

Curiosity is one of my attributes. Comprehension is not--unless I listen to something multiple times or read it just as many. It seems certain pieces of info stick to my memory cells when other pieces evaporate into thin air.

The information I am about to share is new to me based on what I can remember learning in the past. I've been reminded that Fibro Fog is a symptom of Fibromyalgia which I sometimes prefer to forget I deal with, especially during times when I experience a lot of energy! I've been experiencing a major energy dive and with the dive of energy came an increase in physical discomfort. Nevertheless, I am intrigued with the synchronicities that have been showing up in the way of books, magazines, internet articles, and Facebook posts.

I received the September issue of Pain-Free Living Magazine. Inside are three articles, all of which are relevant to me--and maybe to you as well.

1) Putting the Pieces Back Together: Trauma is often a source of chronic pain. Here are eight ways to deal with it. 

I've been very aware for some time that multiple traumas, beginning in childhood, are known to contribute to chronic pain. We have amazing brains that are wired to protect us in three ways: Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

"In the wild, animals are exposed to trauma almost every day, threatened by predators and competitors. Yet they don't develop PTSD because they have inborn ways to release the trauma when the threat has passed. They shake, they tremble, they run around, they yowl, and they rest. Then they can go on with their lives. Humans have forgotten or suppressed those instincts, but we also face potential trauma throughout our lives."

Trauma includes war, accidents, assaults, sexual assault, sports injuries, car accidents, abuse during childhood, surgery and invasive medical procedures, parental divorce, and loss of a job (self, spouse, or parent). Then there are more complex traumas such as a difficult delivery at birth and intergenerational trauma which you inherited vs. something that has actually happened to you.

"Pain itself can become traumatic. It can seem out of our control; we may try many things without relief. It can cause fear, anger, and grief, but we can't take effective action."

"Trauma creates permanently high-stress levels. The body feels constantly threatened until the trauma is released, always ready to fight, flee or freeze. This stressed state makes pain more intense."

We get stuck in pain because we haven't released the trauma that caused it.

I've done quite a bit of work on myself to identify the many traumas my body has stored in muscle and cellular memory. The process is never done. Each time I have a 'flare-up', even if it is days on out of relentless fatigue without an increase in pain, I now know to stop (which isn't really a choice) and process whether I am just experiencing a bought of fatigue or whether I've been 'triggered' and my body is responding to what my brain is telling it to do--FREEZE. 

Of the many suggested treatments in this article, I've used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), mindfulness meditation, psychotherapy (on myself with the help of Dr. David Burn's book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy), and antidepressants. Somatic Experiencing is also suggested which teaches a process that brings you back to your body as a safe place where you can defend yourself. I haven't done this SE therapy, but I have been learning about Somatics in a different way.

In Edward Barrera's book Move Like An Animal, there is also an explanation of how trauma affects our bodies and our brains as humans vs. animals as mentioned above. I've been learning about somatic exercises--as the traumas result in sensory motor amnesia. The good news is there is a series of exercises one can do to retrain the brain to become aware of what it is supposed to do. I also purchased Thomas Hanna's book on Somatics, but Ed's book is much easier to understand and follow.

2) A complex Web: Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose, but a variety of treatments can ease the pain. 

This article reviews Fibromyalgia symptoms and possible causes as well as different approaches to treatment. Among alternative therapies are meditation and sound as studies have found that music and low-frequency sounds can reduce the pain experienced by patients. Sound has helped me quite a bit and I have saved a bunch of YouTube videos on one of my Pinterest pages to listen to. In the final paragraph are these words of wisdom: 

"Don't be hard on yourself. Rest when you need to, and don't be too sad when you find that 'friends' fall by the wayside. The important people in your life will still be there for you through it all. Lastly, you are not alone. Facebook is amazing for support groups. Hang in there."

Indeed, Facebook has quite a few support groups. In addition to mine (Lampasas Pain Support Group), I've found the following:

The Truth About Chronic Pain Treatments (I read her book.)

Dr. Joe Tatta (I read his book.)

What Works for Fibromyalgia

Plus some others.

3) Breaking the Cycle of Pain: The founder of an integrative-medicine clinic explains why chronic pain should be treated as an inflammatory disease.

This article is an interview with Gary Kaplan, D.O., a clinical associate professor at Georgetown Univerisity in Washington, DC. Kaplan came to the conclusion that pain and depression are inflammatory diseases--in the brain.

"Chronic pain such as fibromyalgia, back pain, pain associated with osteoarthritis, daily headaches, and depression are not diseases but symptoms. these conditions are symptoms of inflammation of the brain."

"We have MRI studies and human and animal studies that show that we're looking at neuro-inflammatory disease of the central nervous system." -- central sensitization syndrome -- a mix of chronic pain and depression.

Right on!!!! This makes more sense to me than anything else I've read so far. 

Suggestions include:

• eliminating foods that may be contributing to your brain being on fire.
• meditation which is anti-inflammatory
• get at least seven to eight hours of continuous sleep at night (so much for getting up to go pee)
• get away from taking pills to fix things
• read his book Total Recovery: A Revolutionary New Approach to Breaking the Cycle of Pain and Depression... a book I will add to my Amazon wish list.

Included in the article is a PAIN TEST -- a list of questions to ask yourself and talking to your doctor about the answers. The ones that apply to me are:

• Is there anything you avoid now because of memories of a past trauma that you can't seem to shake? (often)
• Have you been exposed to mold, toxins, or heavy metals? (all three)
• Do you regularly encounter stressful situations such as being bullied? (not so regularly anymore but have dealt with this often in the past)
• Have you suffered from difficult or emotionally abusive relationships? (many)
• Do you struggle to get restful sleep? (often--between waking up to adjust my CPAP machine and to go pee)
• Were you diagnosed with Lyme disease, Epstein-Barr virus, gluten intolerance, or Celiac disease? (EBV and gluten intolerance--refer to my next comments on grains)
• Do you have a thyroid imbalance that may be caused by medications like opioids? (not sure, but unfortunately I took opioids for 12 years)

Kaplan concludes that meditation and exercise absolutely help regenerate the brain. Nutrition is important because the gut is the second brain.

Now for what I recently learned about grains.

I ordered the book No Grains, No Pain after listening to a talk by Dr. Peter Osborne. I heard that there are many types of gluten in ALL the grains... including ones I thought were safe like rice and oatmeal... that grains are seeds which have a substance designed by nature to protect them... and this substance is toxic to humans. So called gluten-free foods are only free of one type of gluten. You can listen to a podcast by him here: Gluten Free Diet Fails & Hidden Toxins in Gluten Free Foods

Two additional summits came my way: Beyond Pain Summit and Pain Treatments That Work 2.0. I haven't had a chance to listen to all the podcasts and interviews. Two stood out for me in the Beyond Pain Summit:

Interview with Elicia Miller--Your Symptoms Are A Gift

Interview with Sarah Jane Farrell--Pain as Your Pathway to Healing

On day 3 of the Pain Treatments Summit, I heard a life changing interview with Shinzen Young on practical steps for transforming physical pain into spiritual growth. He provides instruction on how to use pain as a reminder to check into your body and learn to receive its messages through meditation. I felt encouraged that the pain in my body could have a deeper purpose and the act of daily meditation alone can be an instrument to transform the planet. I don't have to DO anything except lie still, breathe, and allow God/Spirit to become one with my body. Discipline. Maybe it's another opportunity to learn to be self-disciplined.

I was able to download the synopsis of his book and print it out: Natural Pain Relief. You can download it by clicking on the link below:

Synopsis of Natural Pain Relief

EMF's -- the wifi signals from your cell phone, router, tablet, laptop, etc. cause inflammation in the brain. Yikes! One of my sisters mailed me a little bag of rocks to put on top of my router which is supposed to reduce EMF's. There are gadgets you can put on your smartphone and tablet as well as gadgets to put under your feet or your laptop. All quite pricey. Maybe someday. I'm investing all my money into doTERRA Essential Oils, oil blends, and supplements right now.

Readers, all this education enables me to be my own advocate. I hope you can become your own advocate as well. While bouts of fatigue combined with pain force me to take time out from all I strive to achieve, triggering moments of feeling powerless, I also gain a sense of empowerment through knowledge. 

Last, but not least, the Universe has redirected me back to practicing Reiki -- on myself. First, I was sent a woman who wanted to know more about Reiki. I loaned her a book I had about it and she found it helpful. I have learned over the years acquiring attunements are not necessary to experience the healing energy that naturally flows through your hands. Many people now a-days are studying what Reiki is, the Chakras, and the hand positions to optimize this natural ability. Then after I finished reading one of many books I have, I picked up one I purchased several months ago: Intuitive Self-Healing: Achieve Balance and Wellness Through the Body's Energy Centers by Marie Manuchehri, RN. Marie is a nationally known energy intuitive and Reiki Master. This book is simple to follow with client examples and exercises you can do on your own.

Time. So elusive. Hours vanish before my eyes. 

Focus. Self-Discipline.

Move: Be still. Meditate. Move.

Peace.

What's in a Label?

Whenever I felt that there was something wrong with me, I wanted a label for it to feel validated. I accumulated a lot of labels (mostly with abbreviated letters) such as “PMS” for Premenstrual Syndrome, “EBV” for Epstein Barr Virus, “CFS” for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, “FMS” for Fibromyalgia, “ABS” for Adrenal Burnout Syndrome, & “PTSD” for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Maybe someone was onto something that by saying the entire words it would have too much of a negative effect on a person. Some of the labels I acquired were too complex to be abbreviated such as “Spondylolisthesis” and “Osteoporosis”. There is currently no abbreviation for High Cholesterol or Mitral Valve Prolapse.

Every body part has been labeled. Every function of our bodies has been labeled. Did you ever stop to think about how perfectly our bodies were formed? That each cell in our bodies has their own intelligence? That individual groups of cells form organs? That all these organs form our human body? That our bodies are not solid? How many times did you read that our bodies were something like 80% water? And that our bodies express themselves physically just like they express themselves emotionally? And that the adverse labels we get for our symptoms has a negative psychological affect? This was a huge wake-up call for me.

According to the holistic doctors I started to go to, most of the symptoms which I got labels for were secondary to energetic and organ imbalances in my body. The goal in Holistic medicine is to treat the CAUSE vs. the symptoms. Menopause? How about hormone imbalances that affect my mind, emotions, and my ability to cope. I started on a grand experiment after being told that all the ‘afflictions’ I had been labeled with were merely symptoms of underlying nutritional needs, eating foods that did not harmonize with my body, and energy imbalances. Just by strengthening my body’s ability to handle STRESS, and learning to replace the old dysfunctional psychological tapes with empowering ones, a lot of symptoms would go away. Didn’t I write about this in ‘Appearances’?

Then I let challenging events in my life pull the rug out from under me every time because I had not learned how to balance and empower my inner spirit. And while I type this, how better to explain it than the repetitive accidents I kept having… beginning with the fall off the stool in Delano when Dennis up and left, followed by all the accidents I kept having on the farm and at Silvia’s house.

I had tried many different avenues in the pursuit of optimum health, including Ayurvedic, Chinese Medicine, and nutrition in combination with Kinesiology. Each one of these avenues were focused on balancing physical in-balances which still kept me focused on what was wrong that I needed to make right. What DIDN’T work was the conventional medicine route that found labels for the symptoms of every different ailment I was dealing with and getting medications for each of them. And then I realized that the Holistic approach was doing practically the same thing… for me, anyway.

What I really needed to do was get on a regular exercise program, meditate, do Reiki on myself, eat wholesome foods, drink more water, and visualize the cells of my body as happy colorful orbs floating freely through space; and TRUST my body to heal itself. And while I was doing all of this, get some real true-grit psychological counseling to change the emotional/mental dysfunctional patterns I felt were imprisoning me (yes, Bo Lozoff’s ‘We’re All Doing Time’).

But do you know there is a detriment in doing that, too? There are labels for those of us who don’t seem to fit into the mainstream of society. We so want desperately to belong somewhere that when we don’t fit in, we look for a reason why. One example is Aspergers (which runs in my family) and the chain of reactions that comes with it. I believed I was unlovable because my father, who displayed Asperger personality traits, couldn’t love. We figured this out when my nephew was diagnosed with this genetic “abnormal” trait and we were able to link it back to my father and his relatives. Perhaps in this case, the label was a cure, because my nephew got some awesome therapy and counseling. Then there is ‘bi-polar’, a term used to describe people who are moody or alternate between being super energetic and exhausted. I think I was a blend of both.

Do you have any idea how many afflictions a person can end up with because of the simple belief that they are unlovable? Add to that how many failed relationships they participate in, like I did. Ultimately I have to give myself credit (something Wayne told me to do) for enduring all that I’ve endured and trust that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I’m still here. I survived.

Now the biggest challenge of my life is not physical. It is EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL. Unless I learn to love myself the way God loves me, my cells will not feel loved and I will not be able to fully heal. And because I have a stubborn streak in pursuit of perfectionism, I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS AND I WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW ME HOW, and because patience is not one of my virtues, I want someone to show me NOW!

“I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AND I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME” (Foreigner)

From page 198 of "Love, Life, & God: Getting Past the Pain"

What are some of the labels you have acquired in your life? Are you willing to release them? Click on the "comments" below and share some of yours.

Message of Hope

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolate. 

I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too. My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof.'

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnosis, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking. 

The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with belladonna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.

I need more than prayer. I need more than a church. I need a complete lifestyle adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating?

My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate, and my body will no longer tolerate medication.

I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of freshly juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.