Bucket Theory

I grew up on the coast of Massachusetts, across the street from a small private beach. We could walk a short distance to get there. No public parking was available. It was PRIVATE. We collected seashells and pretty rocks, along with unintentional grains of sand. We walked along the edge of the ocean, feeling the sensation of waves washing in over our feet and washing out again.

I don't know about you, but I like to collect things. I also collected experiences, stress, worry, memories, toxins, sugar, viruses, and a host of other things that were detrimental to my health... filling up my bucket without the awareness that it could only hold so much before overflowing.

I think it was Bri of Complete Chiropractic and Wellness Center who first told me about the Bucket and explained how one additional grain-of-sand-sized thing can make it overflow, triggering a meltdown of PTSD, fatigue, pain, and illness. A grain of sand can include things like a thought, bad news, indigestion, an argument, an uncomfortable memory, insomnia, a flat tire, an invasion of ants, or a surprise bill.

I've been learning more about PTSD, an automatic reaction by our brilliantly designed bodies when gasoline is thrown on our internal fire. I purchased Anatomy 360 by Dr. Jamie Roebuck to increase my awareness of just how brilliant my body is. Wow. After looking at all the pictures, I am even more determined to spend time dwelling on all of that vs. what spins non-stop in my mind.

Two new docu-series/summits were released that I have been watching: Overcoming PTSD and Proven: Healing Breakthroughs Backed by Science. While these two are completely separate productions, both have the same basic information: understanding your body and how it reacts when your bucket overflows, along with proven methods of improving and hopefully, recovering.

In the realm of parts, mainstream medicine treats symptoms (with surgery and medications) vs. digging for root causes that include stress, trauma, and nutrition. I've known this for many years now. What I didn't realize is how the integration of 'systems' affects us. I didn't know that trauma (of any kind) resulted in chronic inflammation and auto-immune reactions. I didn't know that our unbelievably efficient immune system can't tell the difference between what type of stress the body is dealing with, it just declares war when it sees the bucket overflow.

Awareness is the key. Now that I am more aware, I can take proactive steps to bring the fires down to embers. For me, getting a handle on the original trauma(s) is the key. There are many modalities and therapies in the industry of trauma recovery out there that cost money. However, with COVID-19, in addition to the information about handling COVID itself, suddenly, there is a wealth of free information on trauma and what you can do about it. It's all about calming down the ANS -- the autonomic nervous system. The definition in Wikipedia is:

"The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates bodily functions, such as the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response."

In case you are one of many panicking and going crazy with all the systems that were put into place around COVID, it is the fear and anxiety that drains your immune system and increases your chances of getting sick. If you have other unhealthy habits in addition to fear and anxiety, this is an opportunity to do what is in your control: learn how to treat your body like it is a garden. Put as much love into it as you do with your flowers and plants. Let some of the load out of your bucket.

My personal plan of action includes prioritizing mindfulness (being in the present moment), meditating, drinking adequate amounts of water, avoiding foods and the news I know overflow my bucket, use the collection of essential oils I have, activate my vagus nerve, practice Donna Eden's energy-meridian balancing routines (she even has one for calming anxiety--you can find some on YouTube), and grounding by placing my bare feet on the garden rocks out in front of my apartment.

Rocks. I just discovered I could get grounded by placing my feet on rocks while sitting in my wheelchair. I had been paranoid about being barefoot in the grass due to the high number of fire ants that share space here, so I didn't try it. But when the management company redid the landscape two years ago, they provided areas of river rocks out front. I got my dose this morning. It really worked. I felt the difference in my body... and imagined I was back on that beach again.

Howl's Moving Castle

I've been binge-watching Studio Ghibli movies... and watched Howl's Moving Castle with my attendant. When it was over, and I expressed my delight about it, she told me there was also a book. I ordered it off of Amazon and read it in three days. 

The movie is based on the book but the scenes are very different. However, the main things I got out of both were the same. There are elements of suspense and danger; good vs. evil; courage vs. fear. I began relating the scenes to aspects of my own life as well as what is going on in the world around us. 

Sofie is a young, beautiful girl who thinks she is ugly. Just like I was. The Witch of the Waste put a spell on her and turned her into an old woman. I have certainly felt like I've had that spell put on me, too. But unlike I was, she is resilient... and not afraid to face people who are mean-spirited or moody. She is courageous... and walked miles through rough terrain to reach her destination.

Howl is a wizard. Sofie went looking for him hoping he could break the spell the Witch of the Waste put on her. She arrived as an old woman, believing the only place she can go is to this castle. Inside, she finds it absolutely filthy, which reminded me of how dirty my son's room was as well as the homes some men (and some women) I have known were. She declared herself a cleaning lady and went to town cleaning and scrubbing every part of the castle... despite the resistance she received from its inhabitants. I thought about the neatnik I am, cleaning every inch of my living space.

Sophie easily stands up to Howl's cranky behavior, firmly reprimands him, she sees through his behavior, and chooses to see his kindness... the same kindness that allowed her and another apprentice to live in his castle. I had also chosen to look past the behavior of boys and men, choosing to see the good in them. But I didn't know how to be assertive like Sofie.

Despite his power and expertise, Howl must battle the evil the Witch of the Waste had done, putting spells on people that he couldn't figure out how to reverse. He is stuck emotionally as a teenager constantly concerned about his looks and impressing girls. In the book, he spends hours in the bathroom preparing for a date. If a girl he is pursuing rejects him, he comes back depressed and turns into slime which oozes all over the castle. I loved this visual. He had a reputation of kidnapping girls and eating their hearts... typical of most of the boys and men I was involved with who pursued me only until I fell in love with them. I felt like they had eaten my heart, too.

The castle itself is a grand invention that reminded me of some of the things my nephew invented. Maybe Howl had Aspergers, too. He even had similar meltdowns. There is a magic knob inside by the door... and depending on what setting it is put on, the door opens to completely different landscapes. I compared this to my own environment.

One of the knob settings of my life opens the door to the current pandemic. I peek out, become aware, get educated, practice recommended precautions, then close that door and turn the knob again. My front door looks out onto a parking lot and other apartment buildings. My back door looks out onto the creek, beautiful with trees, grass, blooming flowers, squirrels, birds, deer, and community cats. 

I already know the consequences of stress, worry, and anxiety. It is what it is. The only thing within my control is how I react to it. 

In the movie the enemy drops bombs, destroying communities just like COVID-19 is doing. And after much destruction, the people who remain pick up what is left and rebuild. Even my own great grandparents did this. I am alive today because people in that generation survived the holocaust... and the world wars. I have faith that no matter what happens, people will recover and rebuild.

Since I have experienced being fractured as a result of too much stress, I thought about COVID-19 being fractured as a result of the stress humans have caused to the planet. It's her only defense. 

What is within my control? Meditation and visualization. I began to visualize the virus as a stressed-out fractured entity defending itself against the onslaught of torturous activities such as fracturing, deforestation, and pollution. Now that she has succeeded in putting the brakes on that assault, I began to visualize loving this entity back into integration just like I learned therapists can do with people who suffer from trauma. I see in my mind's eye all its particles collecting in one place, being contained, and going into the center of the earth to be purified in molten lava. It is a visual I learned when I took ThetaHealing classes to release and purify our own toxic energy.

Sophie managed to walk through miles of rough terrain, even though she complained the entire way, to get to where she needed to go. With COVID, I see our emergency responders and healthcare workers courageously walking through the unexpected, the unplanned, and the unknown.

We can all be scaredy cats during the current dilemma or see it as a challenge for a wizard. In the story, Howl takes on an apprentice who spends days on end trying to figure out how to make a spell work. The wizards of the world are studying how the virus operates. They are wizards, even wizards in training, bravely experimenting with 'spells' to come up with a way to defeat it. We can choose to support their efforts with positive prayer, meditation, and visualization. But fear is known in every spiritual community to feed the evil energies. This is yet one more opportunity to shift fear into love to diminish its power. 

By the end of the book and movie, love, indeed, prevails. Spells are broken, and people's lives go back to normal. It is a message. We can do this, too.

Sensory Overload

It was Friday morning. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast, and got ready to go to a Toastmasters meeting. I love going to these meetings. It is generally an uplifting environment... but then I deal with sensory overload when I get home. Many times I feel like I picked up everyone's thoughts and emotions empathically as well, adding to my own.

On a Friday night, I attended Art After Dark at Frames and Things to support some author friends as well as visit with them. Another person who was in the same car wore perfume and/or hairspray which assaulted my sensitive receptors. Sometimes, it may be other smells I am sensitive to. The music was louder than what I am comfortable with. I have never liked parties, nor have I liked going to concerts. I never liked the noise. This place is not much bigger than my apartment, doesn't fit a lot of people, and is enjoyable... until it isn't... when I begin to experience another layer of sensory overload.

A group of people I know decided we should go eat out at a local restaurant... where multiple conversations take place depending on where individuals are seated... and the smell of food I don't like permeates my sensitive receptors. I went once but declined to go again. "Why?" they ask. But they don't understand the meaning of sensory overload.

It was a simple trip to my local Walmart store. Thank goodness it is a much smaller store because this is a small town, so there are usually fewer people, and it is somewhat quiet. Until it isn't. Before I know it, over an hour had passed, and I head home... with sensory overload. Now, I order as much as I can online or pick it up at a Curbside service or ask someone to go to the store for me.

I talked to someone on the phone (a friend or family member) for an hour and more. What a great conversation!!! (Which is why it lasted so long.) But then I couldn't turn the conversation off after I hung up. My head began to hurt with all the words that continued to get louder inside my head... as I experienced sensory overload.

I go on Facebook to catch up with everyone I am friends with and see posts from all the pages I have liked. Within a short time, I feel overwhelmed. Too much information too fast. I get uncomfortable as sensations of agitation begin to increase, adding to the agitation of sensations of pain in my body.

I volunteer as a secretary for an organization which meets once a month. Usually, 17-23 people attend. When everyone first arrives, there are a lot of separate conversations. These conversations echo off the walls. Before the meeting even starts, I experience sensory overload. When the meeting starts, the voices get quiet, and I work at focusing on the one or two speakers I need to take notes for. After I get home, I rebel against doing this task. I struggle with my need to have an important role by attending and providing this service vs. the sensory overload I deal with for sometimes days afterward.

I go to the monthly potluck at my apartment complex. The same situation exists with multiple separate conversations bouncing off the walls of the community room. And I can't hear the person in front of me talking to me.

But if I don't go anywhere, isolation will consume me and swallow me whole.

If you know me and visit with me, I need you to understand why I need a lot of quiet time alone at home to recover. I may rebel for a few days and feel like not going to the next event. I often rebel against doing any more volunteering.

When I'm in a room with many other people in it, I can't hear individual voices -- even the one directly in front of me -- if other people in the room are speaking. The other voices seem to bounce off the ceiling and walls, making their way back to my ears with overwhelming sounds and sensations. My brain has difficulty focusing due to competing sensory input.

When I get home, I hear what feels like hundreds of conversations in my head competing for my attention. When it is intense, I can experience restlessness and irritability... which may spill over into triggering survival reactions in my body. As exhausted as I am when I climb into bed, even if I manage to fall asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night (to pee) but can't go back to sleep.

Knowing I will most likely experience sensory overload in many different environments produces anxiety to the point I decide not to go. The next time someone asks me 'why' I don't want to go, I'll send them the link to this post.

In addition to 'social' sensory overload, other types of sensory overload I experience can include:

I put on one of my favorite shirts, however, this time, I feel a lot of pinpricks on my back as if the threads are made of thin wire and the seams are highly irritating. The fabric itself may feel irritating, too. The pinpricks become an itch, and the itch continues to spread. I can't stand the feeling of labels and cut all of them out. I finally found the term for this is tactile allodynia.

My fingertips on the hand I hold my computer mouse with feels like I burned them on something hot. I Googled this issue and found that some people are extra sensitive to the EMFs of WiFi. If it is because it is a wireless mouse, I will try using one with a USB cord.

The computer monitor is too bright for me. Fortunately, I found an inexpensive pair of blue-blocker glasses to wear over my prescription glasses.

The good news is that I found out sensory overload is a known 'symptom' of fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, and PTSD from past traumatic experiences... when it's difficult to focus and think straight because there is so much 'noise' inside your head.

I used to take medication to calm down. I used to take medication to knock me out at night. However, I learned this is not a good long-term solution, and the medications have unpleasant side effects. I especially became aware that with sleep apnea, I do not want to be sedated through apneas.

These days, I try to unwind before bed by applying Lavender oil on my spine and bottoms of my feet. After I climb into bed, I will 'upload' all the conversations and thoughts into what I call the 'mastermind' -- where everything exists -- a holding tank for all the thoughts and voices of the entire planet. Just like I turn off my computer every night, this is my way of turning off my mind. Most of the time I am successful.

I know when I turn the computer on again the following day, all my work will still be there. I don't have to keep the computer on all night with all my files open, fearful that I will lose any of my work if I close the files and turn the computer off. I know my files are 'SAFE.'

I don't have to keep my mind on all night fearful I will forget something important or worry myself into further despair. All my appointments are written down on my calendar. Important tasks are on the Task app of my phone. Inspiration always comes from a divine source. Problems eventually sort themselves out. The aftermath of a disaster will eventually calm down, and many people will discover strengths they didn't know they had and can even become heroes.

I remind myself that I am a vehicle for the Creator of all that is to express itself through. "I" don't have to hold onto anything. "I" am not writing this post. "I" can go to sleep and let this expression decide what it wants to do in the morning... which all depends on how much energy I wake up with.

As I get warm under my down comforter, I practice a meditation technique in which I climb inside my body and focus on visualizing brain synapses, nerve impulses, cells interacting, and blood flowing instead of all the voices I was overwhelmed with during the day. I will repeat this process in the middle of the night and early in the morning if necessary. Sometimes, I have to visualize thoughts, words, and concerns flowing down the creek outside my apartment. The water is always flowing... doesn't get caught up in staying in one place, holding onto thoughts, words, and worries.

And to overcome feelings of powerlessness when people I know are struggling with their own life situations, I try to remember to let go of my own anxiety and consciously dispatch angels to guide them and get them through. After all, there came a day when I realized angels/guides had always been there for me. They just waited to see if I could handle those situations on my own before stepping in. (Miracles Sandwiched Between The Challenges.)

Wallflower

Copyright (c) 2018 Renee Alter

The informal definition of wallflower is: a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party. 

I was such a wallflower. I felt invisible so when I DID get some attention, I was blind that the attention I was getting was from predators... predators who could sense vulnerable wallflowers... not just once, but way too many times. 

I find it interesting that the solo flower that bloomed on my peace lily reminded me of those years. I wondered... did this solo flower bloom solo on purpose?

Is it lonely without other flowers or happy in the company of all the leaves? Can I put myself in the flower's place and admire its beauty and determination to bloom? Can I be content that I had the company of numerous grains of sand on the beach when no one else was there as well as numerous blades of grass?

My perspective of being a wallflower has since changed. I am now in awe of what breaks through rock and cement determined to grow... like this...

Copyright (c) 2017 Renee Alter

I, too, have broken through rock and cement due to my spirit's determination to not only live, but to thrive. My rocks and cement were in the forms of hopelessness and despair believing I was stuck in the situations I found myself in. Without mentors, I couldn't see past my personal stone wall and I  lacked the tools to know how to break through them.

Finally the day came, when the stone wall began to crumble. It was terrifying and I felt like the stone was crushing me. Even the inexpensive apartment I got in 2009 had gray painted cinderblock walls that felt like a tomb, which reflected the state of mind I was in. Yes, I was indeed hopeless. I felt abandoned by my family and hadn't met anyone I could bond with. I imploded into my own mind and didn't know how to get out.

A LOT has happened since then. These days, the Universe sends me people who are feeling stuck in their own rocks and cement so I can finally appreciate my experience of being there. I can encourage them in their own personal journeys and teach them the concepts I have learned about limited thinking and cognitive distortions. I can teach them about validating and releasing their emotions so they don't manifest as physical symptoms.

When they express how hopeless their life is, I can tell them there is ALWAYS hope.

Holiday Stress

It's that special time of year when many celebrations are taking place internationally across many cultures. Here are some of them:

• Saint Nicholas Day (Christian)
• Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe (Mexican)
• St. Lucia Day (Swedish)
• Hanukkah (Jewish)
• Christmas Day (Christian)
• Three Kings Day/Epiphany (Christian)
• Kwanzaa (African American)
• Omisoka (Japanese)
• Yule (Pagan)
• Saturnalia (Pagan)

It is also that time of year when many people are depressed and lonely. I used to be one of these people so I know. While all the happy celebrations were going on around me with family gatherings and parties, I withdrew. People could tell I was withdrawn so I wasn't invited to very many events. At least I didn't have the obligations of cooking for a family or hosting a gathering where I'd have to choose between acting happy or expressing how I was really feeling.

For those who have lost one or more loved ones, a pet, a job, suffering financial hardship or homelessness, a relationship breakup, it is indeed a time of loneliness. Their loved one(s) and/or their safety net is no longer there. I feel for all the loss from recent hurricane devastation as well as close friends who have lost a husband, a grandchild, a mother, a pet.

For some, it is obvious just by looking at them. You can see the emptiness in their eyes and in their physical demeanor even if they smile. For others, they've become really good actors--something they don't give themselves credit for.

One of many definitions of stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.

The stress response can be felt whether you are experiencing excitement or its opposite.

Perhaps you are one of the people who feel you must perform your duties as a wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, or business owner even if it overrides your need to say no. You never do give yourself permission to say no or to ask for help so you burn yourself out.

Excitement can burn you out as well. Too much can strain your Adrenals and the result is Adrenal Fatigue which has numerous consequences.

In your efforts to prepare, decorate, cook, plan, and visit, sometimes partying until the wee hours of the morning, many are sleep deprived. The consequences of sleep deprivation are vast.

Add to the above all the sugar that you eat because somehow traditions of all kinds include a LOT of sugar! Sugar puts a strain on your immune system in addition to all of the above.

Memory doesn't work well when you are under stress which is why in an emergency you can't remember what to do. Some call this brain fog or a senior moment.

While you all are celebrating family and religious traditions, remember to smile at all the lonely people and offer them a gift of time and perhaps a long warm hug.

Stories

We all have our stories. Since the beginning of time, there have been story-tellers. The bible is filled with them. The first one that pops into my mind is the story of Job. I relate to this one because my life felt like his... only he stood his ground in his faith, while I wavered in a state of confusion.

When you were a child, hopefully someone read stories to you. Then hopefully, you learned to read and you read lots of books. Perhaps they were fantasy, perhaps they were mysteries, perhaps they were adventure, perhaps they were romance. Or politics, war, history, and religion. His-story. What about Her-story?

What are your stories? Do you have the courage to tell them?

This past week, I was invited to tell my 'story.' Twice. I was thinking about this while I took a shower this morning. What could I conclude by being asked twice in the same week? I tend to be a bit long-winded (self perception) when someone invites me to tell how I was able to walk again after being wheelchair dependent for about five years. How does one explain in just a few minutes the complex process of what I went through to get back on my feet? Or how the stress of life circumstances kept me incapacitated? After all, it wasn't something simple like having non-invasive back surgery.

Because I couldn't get the help I needed and didn't know what type of help would benefit me the most, the journey was a complex one. I decided to read, study, and research for myself how to get myself better. Now that I reflect back on these years, I realize I must have somehow known I COULD get better.

I had to come to terms with the Law of Attraction... how I was inviting most of the disastrous scenarios into my life because it was all I was focused on.

I found out about the 10 forms of twisted thinking (cognitive distortions) which led to my being able to finally climb out of the black hole I fell into. I'm sure it helped that I acknowledged I had every single one of them. When I discovered my thoughts were all twisted and my conclusions mostly false, I got excited because this meant I could find the ones that were true!

I learned that stress, my perception of life events, and lack of knowledge of stress-reduction techniques kept me incapacitated. Stress is a complex mix ranging from negative thoughts, a sedentary life, poor nutrition, side effects to medications, grief, and more. When the stress subsided, the sun in my world came out. Literally. Imagine waking up one day and actually noticing the sun was shining and the sky was blue.

Yes, I had lots of stories. However, the people I told my stories to didn't want to hear them so their responses affected my self-esteem.

I used to tell lots of stories about how bad everything was in my life. There weren't any happy endings... and there's nothing like hearing from others that one of my stories was about their life, too... only they didn't know how to tell their own story... or like I used to feel, that no one cared or would listen.

Google search or type in the YouTube search box 'TED Talks' and you will find many stories. The rage now is to incorporate story-telling to create connections with other people... in politics, religion... even in sales and marketing. The catch is, you must find the right audience to listen to them. Family may not be this audience, especially when they are caught up in their own toxic life, yet refuse to tell anyone what's going on inside their head.

I Googled the Psychology of Storytelling and found an article in Psychology Today.

"Stories are authentic human experiences. Stories leapfrog the technology and bring us to the core of experience, as any good storyteller (transmedia or otherwise) knows. There are several psychological reasons why stories are so powerful."

Here's the link so you can read the rest of the article:

The Psychological Power of Story-Telling

I really like this part:

"Stories are about collaboration and connection. They transcend generations, they engage us through emotions, and they connect us to others. Through stories we share passions, sadness, hardships and joys. We share meaning and purpose. Stories are the common ground that allows people to communicate, overcoming our defenses and our differences. Stories allow us to understand ourselves better and to find our commonality with others."

I wish I knew back then what I know now, how important my stories were and still are. Now that I am in Toastmasters, I am learning how to tweak them to become specific speeches. My challenge is figuring out how to condense my really long stories down to five minutes and choosing which parts of the stories would have the most impact.

 
I also can't help but wonder if our core desire to have good stories to tell resulted in the life we experience. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Do we decide what our stories will be before we are born? Was the life we lived created by these stories? When we figure out we are powerful creators - creating our own lives, can we completely change gears and create a new one? So far, I am finding the answer to this last question to be yes.

My deepest desire is to feel connection. Now that I feel safe sharing my stories and I'm receiving validation for having the courage to share them, I confidently move forward! I am told my newfound joy is infectious and somehow, someway, I will figure out how to effectively inspire transformation in others.

What's more, I recently published two new books. The first, Alternate Realities: Daydreams of Conversations is a collection of short stories based on my life experiences only with imaginary happy endings. 

"Once upon a time... as all fairy tales begin... sparks the imagination. I recently began writing them after I came across the concept that regardless of how difficult your life has been, you can recreate your life by imagining and writing a different story. For those who like to immerse themselves in all kinds of possibilities, I recommend that you write some of your own. Who knows? One of them might come true! The following short stories are in this book: The Psychologist, The Barista Restaurant, Twin Flame, Wish Maker, The Blue Stone, Kindred Spirits, Fairy God Father."

Buy on Amazon

I also updated and republished Personal Journal & Recipes for Healthy Living. (7/29/19 Update: I discontinued this book as it wasn't selling and became outdated.)

Thank you for stopping by and reading my post. Please share... how have your stories affected your life and what have you done to create new ones?

My Views on Childhood Education

While I continue to learn more about the Mind-Body-Spirit connection to illness and chronic pain, while processing the controversy around public education vs. vouchers for charter schools, I wonder how my life could have been different if the subjects I was taught in grade school through middle school included psychology, sociology, communication, relationships, finance, and self-defense.

I wonder if instead of biology, social studies, and political science -- and all the FACTS I had to know (which I didn't) in order to get good grades on tests, I had the opportunity to learn all the aforementioned topics instead. As for sex education, this wasn't offered back when I was in school and I'm not sure it would have been beneficial to me if it had.

Learning about psychology, sociology, communication, and relationships (all topics I didn't get until I got to college) sure would have been an extremely interesting way for me and my classmates to learn about each other. Instead of feeling isolated, I could have felt connected.

I was one of the quiet bashful bullied children and I wonder -- if I had a voice -- and heard the other children's voices -- if the issues I faced would have existed. If my classrooms had a Toastmasters format, I would have heard my other classmates tell their stories and developed compassion early on instead of the effects of isolation and depression.

Children who are listened to and understood are less likely to become bullies and the number of people who develop substance abuse issues would be minimized. Children who are listened to and understood are less likely to develop chronic illness, disease, and pain - including mental illness.

We get hearing tests, vision tests, and all kinds of other tests. Why aren't children getting psychological testing? Why is it that only the children who are diagnosed by their pediatricians as needing said testing are being tested and getting help? (I have a friend who works for a psychologist who does this type of testing.)

What if the children who were classified early on as high-risk were put in separate rooms just like special ed rooms are for the developmentally disadvantaged? There are actually children who experience depression from a very young age which isn't caught by parents or pediatricians -- and I was one of them.

It would have been nice if I could have learned about basic psychological problems, including how we decide who we are by the time we are about six years old and whether this identity is true or not. Unfortunately, not every child has a safe start with mentally fit, healthy parents or they only have one parent who has no choice but to work, leaving their child(ren) to fend for themselves. Not every child has a 'church family' to provide structure nor do they have an extended family to be there when their parents work.

It would have been nice if my fellow classmates could have explored cultural and religious differences (sociology) early on instead of historical textbook facts we can't relate to as well as how wealth or lack of affects the livelihood of families. Not everyone goes to college where sociology is a basic subject requirement. This one class made a huge difference in my view of the world.

It would have been nice if I could have learned about stress, how we react to stress, and how to manage stress. Many children DON'T handle stress which results in numerous problems they take with them into their adult life like I did. Because I didn't have a voice, I internalized everything. I'm still in the process of working it all out as each new day leads to a new discovery and a new light bulb of awareness comes on.

It would have been nice if I had more than just crossing guards to protect me on my journey to and from school so I wouldn't have been subject to bullying (by both boys & girls). When I took the bus from first through third grade, I was bullied by nearby students. When we moved to a new town, I had to walk because my mother didn't drive and we didn't have neighbors who could drive us. We lived in New England so regardless of weather conditions, we had to walk. I was in pain as far back as I could remember and pain is stressful by itself. Perhaps children in need of protection (who are free to have a voice) could be assigned older 'qualified' mentors to look after them and protect them from bullies. The older neighbor girl who walked with us was one of many bullies I had to deal with. I wonder how things could have been different if I had learned it was O.K. to speak up and defend myself.

Perhaps had my education in psychology, relationships, & communication had begun much earlier, I wouldn't have fallen so heavily infatuated multiple times (like so many females do) with all the wrong boys and later men. I was only 12 when I became infatuated for the first time. In a class on relationships, I could have learned the difference between infatuation and love as well as what a healthy relationship looked like -- and would have learned that my parents had serious problems. Perhaps I wouldn't have believed I was a bad person - never good enough - when they yelled at each other or me because I would have known it wasn't about me.

Perhaps if instead of studying Shakespeare, we could have been analyzing Disney movies and fairy tales. Right? Like what happens after infatuation? It would have been nice if we had REAL stories to read instead of romance fantasies which always had happy endings.

I can just imagine if instead of blindly falling in love, I was classifying the boys/men I met according to what type of psychological problems they had and how their lives would turn out as a result of those problems. And perhaps I would have developed the insight to know (ahead of time) who would be abusive, alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, liars, cheaters, and worse yet -- sex offenders. (I've known all of the above).

I certainly wish someone had educated me about how much trouble I could get into if I 'date' someone unsupervised until I got to know them, no matter how old I was.

Oh, yes, I'd make self-defense as one of the mandatory classes taught in P.E. Boys weren't the only people I needed to learn to defend myself from. There were bully girls, too. I so wish I had learned how to defend myself verbally and physically before my body 'froze up' with Fibromyalgia. Mmmm.

I wish, even more, I was taught that you don't try to love boys/men who are messed up by being in a relationship with them.

The more people I've talked to over the years, the more I have found out that no one is really immune to the kinds of emotional issues that I personally experienced in my own life and within my own family. Men, women, and children in our country are getting away with the murder of fragile hearts and souls. Sometimes, the murder includes the entire human being which includes school massacres. NO ONE is safe from predators unless they are specifically trained to protect themselves. So why aren't we learning how to do this from the very beginning instead of developing overwhelming helplessness - feeling powerless - which is the root of all illness, disease, alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness, and more?

I think I've experienced quite a variety of infatuations which in every case left me heartbroken, losing a job, or suddenly moving (which I've done 43 times). In spite of the fact that I kept telling myself 'never again,' there was another 'again.' I never understood what was happening until I read "Count Your Blessings" when I was 57 years old. In Chapter 16, Dr. John F. Demartini begins with:

"Are you busy building pedestals? Generally, the people who build the tallest pedestals experience the deepest resentments down the road, and the bigger the infatuation, the harder it falls. When you see a person, a situation, an object, or a possession, as all good, you're in a temporary state of infatuation and illusion."
I refer to this illusion as 'rose colored glasses'. This leads me to the next subject: finance.

We don't just become infatuated with people. We become infatuated with THINGS. And we want the things NOW whether we have the money saved up for them or not. And we've been taught from early on, that we can have just about anything we want... when we buy it on credit. And this is why our entire country is in such deep debt. We try to fill emptiness with things and wonder why after we have them, we still feel empty.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to take one of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes. Imagine if we began learning how to balance a checkbook in grade school as soon as we learned to add and subtract. If parents couldn't afford to give their children allowances, the school could give them monopoly money to pretend with.

Next, we'd go on field trips to the grocery stores (with calculators) and calculate costs per ounce and which products are the better buy. Instead of history and social studies, learn about nutrition, what GMO's are, the toxic affects of sugar and food coloring, and where the meat we eat and the milk we drink come from. In biology lab, we'd experiment on how roundup as well as other chemicals affects our food and our bodies.

Children need to learn how to calculate how much things will end up costing us if we take out loans for them (yes, credit cards are extremely high interest loans).

I was one of the few people who learned about money while I was still in high school because I took business courses which included bookkeeping. By the time I graduated high school, I knew a lot about income and expenses ... with the exception of the credit card thing. My father liked buying things with credit cards and taught me that it was the thing to do. He never figured out that buying things on sale on credit resulted in paying more than the item would be at full price. He even taught me that I had to buy cars brand new when I could have bought a perfectly good used car for a lot less.

In conclusion, I believe childhood education should include psychology, sociology, communication, relationships, and finance from the very beginning... with self-defense in P.E. And if they were, don't you think our world be a better place?

Then again, if our government is such a mess, and religious organizations are all clashing with each other, who do we trust to decide which psychology and finance specialists get to write our textbooks?

What do you think? If you could return to grade school, which classes do you think would have been more beneficial than the ones you had to take?

The Many Faces of Resilience

The topic of resilience has been on my mind for the past week, urging me to write about it. My thoughts are often inspired by other thoughts and today I received the new issue of Pain-Free Living, formerly, Arthritis Self-Management magazine. (The editors decided to change their name after receiving the results of a survey.)

One of the articles is on Being Mindful about Pain, by Nicola Davies, which includes five different ways of accomplishing this. Nicola "began to see pain as something that visited her body, not something that defined who she was." I included a quote in my book Love, Life, & God: Getting Past the Pain, page 46, "Fibromyalgia is what I have, it's not who I am," so I was seeing the message again.

I've been feeling an increased amount of tension in my neck and shoulders, trying to figure out where in my life I am feeling tense or apprehensive. Perhaps I am trying to do too much, a very old habit I don’t know if I will ever relinquish. However, I know from past experience where this can lead. I was so proud of myself when I didn’t need to wear my TENS unit every day anymore and hadn't needed to use it for almost six months. I’ll be right back while I go put it on.

O.K., I'm back. There are so many more stories and books I have started to write and want to finish. I just finished another little one titled: Miracles Sandwiched Between The Challenges: Making It Through The Roller Coasters Of My Life (With The Help Of My Guardian Angels). You can find it HERE.

It is so easy for me to lose hours in reading every interesting thing I find on Facebook or when I Google specific topics (like resilience), so I am either immersed in writing or immersed in reading. I wrote many things about setting a timer to remind me to take breaks, and I am guilty of ignoring my own advice. Someday, I hope to get a portable biofeedback device to attach to my shoulders that will alert me to when I begin tensing before it gets to a point of shutting me down. I've been reminding myself that I don't HAVE to do any of this, I am CHOOSING to. I need to stop tensing up every time I realize another hour has gone by.

While I was searching for content on resilience, I discovered I had already posted a number of links on this topic on my Articles and Websites & Blogs pages, but I hadn't actually written a blog post about it. My memory can be somewhat foggy, a 'symptom' of being a creative writer. At least that is all it is now. When I was in my 20’s I dealt with episodes of severe ‘fibro fog'. (One day I kept driving by my home but kept zoning out and missing it. I had to call my mother and ask her to come get me.) I am so very grateful I recovered from years of chronic fatigue syndrome. I am grateful the residual fibromyalgia is all I deal with now.

Resilience. The definition of resilience in Webster's dictionary is: "the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress." I'd like to add to this "a strained mind." Over the course of six months, I've managed to get into 'shape' exercising at Curves. The mind can take a lot longer to recover after a stressful situation as it is impossible to be 'Mindful' of every thought that finds its way into the vast infinity of 'Mind Space.'

One of the things I've learned over the years is fibromyalgia is a collection of uncomfortable symptoms that manifests, usually as a result of stress vs. an actual disease. Stress can be physical, emotional, or mental. The more stress you deal with, the more out of ease your body will become, thus dis-eased. Right now as I write this, I am listening to one of many healing sound meditations I've found on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=2567&v=KynbN4Om12E

There are many aspects to address such as the amount of stress you have endured, how you have coped with this stress, how resilient you are, what you tell yourself about what is going on in your life, how stress can manifest into physical symptoms, the stress due to malnutrition or dehydration, or a gut that has lost its ability to assimilate food. Then there are the ill effects of excessive sugar, fat, smoking, drinking, etc. There is no simple solution. I am certain that any day now, we will be able to put electrodes on our bodies and generate a full report on our home computers (or smartphones) on the status of all our bodily functions as well as what our mental/emotional state is. Any day now...

On fibromyalgiasymptoms.org I found, "One of the precursors to fibromyalgia is stress. Although we say that stress can be a good thing, the fact for fibromyalgia sufferers is that stress is a trigger for the disorder. Muscle pain can be triggered by stress, as can headaches, nausea, and depression. The hormones that are released with stress interfere with pain receptors and end up causing serious grief." Our challenge is to find balance, so stress hormones don't rule our lives.

http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/how-stress-affects-fibromyalgia-symptoms.html

On Psychology Today, I found: "Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/resilience.

I believe many of us are providing Psychologists with a lucrative living, second only to medical doctors, although I did many years of SELF-analysis because I didn't have access to the real thing.

In Becoming Resilient: What You Can Do, Lisa Lorden Myers wrote: "Those who deal best with difficulty and adversity in life have a quality that neuroscientists, psychologists, and business experts alike call “resilience.” It is a particularly important concept for those who live with CFS/FM—or the life-changing challenges of any chronic illness—on a daily basis. Frederic Flach, M.D., author of Resilience: Discovering a New Strength at Times of Stress, points out that since a person’s level of resilience is not a static ingredient in personality, it can fluctuate over time. Understanding our natural strengths and limitations can help us focus on factors that can enhance our resilience."

http://livingwithcfs.com/becoming-resilient-what-you-can-do/

The Road to Resilience on the 'American Psychology Association' website includes:

"Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences. Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress. Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone."

I'm sure that anyone includes me, which is why I am researching the subject. There are also 10 ways to build resilience on this site.

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

Last but not least, on the National Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Association Website, I found a beautiful letter written by a woman to her younger self. I have also been thinking of writing advice to my younger self as well. I wish her name was posted on the article, but it isn't. I'd friend her on Facebook. Her letter begins with:

"Dear Friend,

In the coming months, you will be walking a unique and unfamiliar path. Nothing in life so far has prepared you for the changes your body and spirit will endure.

Take heart, because others will reach out and encourage you to trust your intuition. Be still and listen carefully despite the searing, stabbing, and throbbing pains. Quiet your mind when the world spins madly around you with a confusion of sound and light. And when you feel your life force slipping away, gently evaluate why. Have a touchstone to stay grounded when nothing makes sense and mixed-up words roll off your lips. You’ll be okay.

After enduring the brain-seizing pains and life-altering symptoms, you still have two big, hard things to do. Eliminating both toxic relationships and grieving over “what could have been” will improve your health. Connect your mind and body and spirit. Learn to love yourself."

Self-love and acceptance is indeed the key. The rest of the letter can be found here:

http://www.fmcpaware.org/fundraising/185-resilience.html

Now that you’ve read about resilience, do you know anyone who displays examples of this trait? Someone you admire and look up to? Are you one of the not so resilient people? Did you know this is a trait you can learn? Please leave a comment below to start a conversation!

Missing In Action

I've been gone for a while.... missing in action.

The hottest heatwave arrived in Texas (and most everywhere) this last July. I felt helpless the night the roof a/c of the motor home groaned to a halt at 10pm. The week before, I visited a 70-year-old lady on one of her good days, who had a very severe case of FMS. At 2am the night the a/c died, she texted me that I could come over to her house if I had trouble with my a/c. I thought maybe she was psychic. The following morning, a window a/c was propped up into the window by the dinette, and I prayed it would work sufficiently. By 11am, the temperature had climbed to 90 inside and I had to get out of there. I drove to that lady's house that day and every day for the next 2 months, returning to home base around 8:30pm. Most nights it was still 90 when I got home. I was relieved that the 2 kittens had gone back to the farm to live (couldn't sleep with their night activity in small quarters).

On the upside, I had an air-conditioned place to hang out during the day while temperatures soared over 100 degrees. On the downside, the lady was sick and in pain all but two of those days. She hibernated in her bedroom and swallowed numerous pills of every kind to deal with her afflictions. I became terrified of ending up like her by the time I was 70. On top of that, I had nothing to do while I was there except lay down on her sofa (for comfort), read, or watch her large screen TV. I got very little exercise or human interaction.

As the days went by, I sunk deeper and deeper into what I learned is 'THE BLACK HOLE.' Read any information about anxiety and depression... I had most of the symptoms. As each day went by, I dreaded returning to that house. I also began to dread going back to the motor home. Her husband (15 years younger than her and a disabled vet who hibernated in HIS room) asked if I would be interested in moving in with them. I politely declined, horrified of what my life would be like if I did.

I desperately wanted to pack what would fit in my car and return to California... stay with my older sister or my mother. Their doors are closed due to difficult transitional situations they are both dealing with. In my despair, I detached from them and grieved about not having a home to go back to.

In September, I started searching diligently for other possible living situations, browsing craigslist. The motor home was fun for a while. I had survived the winter wearing sweaters, hats, scarves & gloves to bed because my 'house' wasn't insulated. Even with electric heaters running, it was COLD. I kicked myself for trading in my paid-for van for a newer car with a 6-year commitment of payments. In this part of Texas, I could have afforded a decent apartment without them (car payments). I was isolated where I was living, gas prices were up and it was 20 miles round trip to anywhere (except her house). I checked out one nice house to see if I could rent a room, but it, too, was in an isolated area.

On craigslist, a post from a disabled woman looking to rent a room caught my eye. Didn't have a room for her... yet. I also looked down at my checkbook and declared I needed a new place to live SOON before I had to reorder checks. Within 24 hours I learned that one of the landlord's houses had been vacated and would be available for rent... the one in town next to the grocery store. I had been in it a year before and wondered at that time if I'd ever live in it.

I contacted the woman via craigslist (email) and told her about the house. When I went to look at it, I was horrified by its condition. I bolted back to the motor home in a major tizzy. Summer was not over and neither was the heatwave. The only thing going for this house was recently installed central heat/air and weatherized windows/doors. It was old. It was filthy. Supporting boards under it were broken so the floors were wavy and tiles were cracked. Inside must have had 15 coats of paint and was about to get another one. The bathroom was unfinished. The landlord told me I could live there rent-free (pay for the utilities) while I cleaned it up and painted it. ME?

I slept on the floor on a mat in the midst of 'construction' because it was air-conditioned... unless I went to that other lady's house again. I endured many anxiety attacks which continued long after he finally agreed to do most of the cleaning/painting. Linda (from craigslist) arrived a week early, before her room could be painted. She was relieved to have a place to go. While she is perfectly OK with the condition of this house (she had endured worse), I had to try really hard to focus on what was good about living here... including no lease and no security deposit which freed both Linda and I to transfer to places we were on waiting lists for. I ended up moving most of my belongings one carload at a time, making about one trip a week. I discovered that the motor home was infested with mice, who chewed up some shoes and other belongings. Once the kittens were gone, I guess they felt safe enough to move in.

In an attempt to be positive, I declared this place to be a half-way house... half way between where I was living before and where I would live next. My brother, Jon, passed away the day after Thanksgiving which gave me a real reason to grieve. Then two weeks ago, I received a call from a 55+ Active Senior Apartments I looked into last July which I heard about from a lady who arranged day trips for seniors. I was told a new complex was being completed and they wanted to know if I'd be interested in applying for it. I drove out there with a friend to see it, and filled out the application... I'd have to start all over again in a new city but I finally feel like I have something to hope for again.... I'm on the waiting list...

Meanwhile, if I have anything going for me, it is a streak of stubbornness. If I couldn't get counseling, I would have to study up and learn how to get myself out of the rut of depression I fell into. I am also learning that certain people are prone to depression (like me) and I have to learn to spot the warning signs.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is supposed to help people deal with Arthritis and other chronic afflictions, which are often complicated by depression (feeling powerless), but I don't have the kind of insurance that pays for it. I managed to get to the library and started reading up on depression, depression self-help, psychology, Yoga, etc. Although one of the many counselors I sought out only took cash patients, he loaned me a couple of books I could read. I started back on Premarin (estrogen) which stopped the never-ending waves of hot flashes that plagued me all night long as well as the day time. I also started up on 1/2 of the smallest available dose of an antidepressant called Remeron (its generic). I've been on it a week with no side effects.... and maybe it's working.

I've been reading 'Yoga and the Quest for the True Self' by Stephen Cope most of today. Interestingly, COPE is what this book is helping me to do.

Today, in the midst of thunderstorms (literally), muscle contractions and pain (I tried to go without the TENS for most of the day), I felt a sense of hope again. So I climbed into this blog, which I haven't touched since June and created this post. I've already moved 42 times ... maybe I'll start packing now for the next one.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow.

Message of Hope

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolate. 

I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too. My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof.'

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnosis, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking. 

The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with belladonna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.

I need more than prayer. I need more than a church. I need a complete lifestyle adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating?

My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate, and my body will no longer tolerate medication.

I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of freshly juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.