The ABCs of What a Depressive Episode Feels Like

I had quite a few good months. My natural self is optimistic. I could say affirmations like, “I am one day closer to getting … " and really believe it. What, I asked myself, changed or occurred since then? I asked all the usual questions that included, “Is it something I ate?” It is no longer good enough for me to blame hormone changes on my moods. I used to take antidepressants when I fell into these episodes and stayed on them to avoid them all together. Ultimately, while the anti-d helped temporarily, they had their own consequences. At the end of this post, I wrote what the solution turned out to be (for me).

Below is the list of what I experience from A-Z. I’m not kidding, when all of these converge simultaneously, it is extremely uncomfortable (an understatement). It is not uncommon for an episode to occur after experiencing stress… both the good stress of excitement (I found a van and sold my car) and one such as the explosion that went off near my apartment the other day during a thunderstorm. I’m pretty sure something blew up by my apartment when lightning struck. I thought about the people who endure this sound on battlefields on a daily basis. It would have been nice if lightning could fizzle everything on the following list so it doesn’t come up to taunt me ever again.

Change. Many changes came up in front of me all at once. There’s always a day in the fall when all the leaves of most of all the trees fall like rain. Within a week, the following occurred. I found my ideal van -- a 2002 Ford E150 that was converted with a remote-operated lift and power doors, an alternate hand control in addition to foot pedals, and the driver’s seat comes back and swivels to transfer. The seat is comfortable, it is easy to drive, and I can even see over the dashboard. In order to get it, I put my car up for sale. It sold within hours. I am in shock that it is no longer in my parking space. As for the van, it is 18 years old and needs repairs before I can use it. Every day I don’t see it in my parking space feels like an eternity. My beloved attendant gave her notice. I could always depend on her. I feel the pain and grief of empty nest syndrome. The new one I was supposed to get never showed up, so I had to fend for myself last week. Fending for myself involves increased pain, loneliness, and exhaustion. The agency that services me has lousy communication which is quite frustrating. They don’t seem to have a system of notes that all the employees have access to. Frustration mounts as each communication error piles up. Have you ever waited with anticipation for someone to arrive and they never show up?

When things stop working, it’s time to buy a new one. My Epson all-in-one doesn’t scan anymore. I found this out when I decided to scan my songs to upload into Google Drive after someone suggested it would be a good idea to have all my music on hand… just in case I come upon an opportunity I had lost hope in ever manifesting. I felt like the Epson was contributing to killing my dream. I took it personally. Making decisions is not one of the strengths I can boast about. I had no idea what to replace it with. I felt frustrated. Fortunately, a trusted friend came to the rescue and made that decision for me. Now I wait… for it to arrive via Fed Ex… with notifications warning me that due to COVID, shipments are likely to be delayed. I was thinking that with Labor Day sales, it would be a good time to buy a new one and was advised to order one NOW because due to COVID, manufacturing of computers and computer equipment has slowed way down. Ordinarily, I would think this was a high-pressure sales pitch, but another friend had just told me she tried to replace her laptop but everyone was out-of-stock. In my somewhat isolated life, I had forgotten how much COVID had disrupted everyone’s life. I found myself sad about everyone who was affected. Now for the ABCs.

A = Absolute. All or nothing. Amnesia. Achy. Angry. Aggravated. Agitated. Annoyed. Abandoned.

B = Bitter. Bed. Bull s**t. What I feel like saying because I am fed up with (everything). Bumping into everything with my scooter.

C = Change. Catastrophe. Everything is a catastrophe. Claustrophobic. Crabby. Crazy.

D = Desperate Dissociation. Diving into the Deep. Defeated. Disappointed. Dissatisfied. Depressed.

E = Everything is going wrong. Explosive. Exhausted. Envy Everyone.

F = Fatalistic. Fatigued. Forever. Frustrated. Fearful. Flustered.

G = Garbage. Grumpy. Gloomy. Glum. Grieving.

H = Hot flashes, especially during the night. Hungry. Hopeless. Humiliated. Homesick.

I = Irritable. Insomnia. Inconsistency. Impatient. Isolated.

J = Jumpy. Jittery. I seem to drop everything I pick up. Jealous.

K = Knock over. I seem to knock everything over I come close to.

L = Lies. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Lonely. Longing. Letdown.

M = Maybe. Too many maybes. I need to KNOW for SURE.

N = Nothing. Nothing satisfies me. Nobody loves me. Not even me. Neglected. Needy.

O = Oppressed.

P = Printer. The scanner on my printer died. PTSD. Pessimistic.

Q = Quesy.

R = Remorse. Resentment. Racing mind.

S = Sinking. Suffocating. Starving. Shame. Suffering. Scared. Stressed. Sleepy.

T = Tomorrow. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Terrified. Tormented. Teary.

U = Unknown. Uncomfortable. Unhappy.

V = Volatile. Vulnerable. Van. I was all excited about getting a van, but I can’t use it until it is fixed.

W = What is happening to me? Weary. Worried. Weak. Withdrawn.

X = Xcruciating.

Y = Yearning.

Z = Zombie.

Now that I’ve said my ABCs, I will tell you about the wisdom that came through after about two weeks of this.

First, I sat down in front of my committee of little 5-year-old dolls to hear what they had to say. I didn’t get much of an answer. I think they may have been afraid to speak up.

Memory: Ah ha! I did what my doctor advised and stopped taking Vitamin D because my blood levels were nice and high! Didn’t I learn NOT to do what doctors suggested? I felt better than I had in a really long time with the level that high. I pulled out my bottle of Energetix Vitamin D2-K2 Lipospray and sprayed some under my tongue.

Memory: Irritability, racing mind, and hot flashes turned out to be symptoms that my hypothalamus needed support. I was irritable about EVERYTHING and hot flashes were depriving me of much-needed sleep. Did you know the hypothalamus controls your body temperature? I put a dropper of Energetix Hypothalmapath under my tongue. 

Memory: Essential oils: of course! I have oils that are supposed to help improve your mood… including a blend called Cheer.

I was absolutely amazed. Within HOURS I felt so much better! I felt like I was ME again. Optimism returned with really believing I am one day closer to getting situations resolved. For you, it may not be your hypothalamus or low Vitamin D levels. It is best to get tested… blood test and bio energetically. The root cause can be anything from food sensitivities, dehydration, not enough sleep or exercise, estrogen dominance, the death of a loved one or situation, loss from a fire-flood-tornado, an illness or accident, or damage to the brain from a head injury or trauma.

I suppose you can also blame it on the full moon.

Meanwhile, in a moment of synchronicity, I just received an email from the Food Revolution Network with this post. Have more time to read? 

https://foodrevolution.org/blog/anxiety-self-help-diet-lifestyle/

Howl's Moving Castle

I've been binge-watching Studio Ghibli movies... and watched Howl's Moving Castle with my attendant. When it was over, and I expressed my delight about it, she told me there was also a book. I ordered it off of Amazon and read it in three days. 

The movie is based on the book but the scenes are very different. However, the main things I got out of both were the same. There are elements of suspense and danger; good vs. evil; courage vs. fear. I began relating the scenes to aspects of my own life as well as what is going on in the world around us. 

Sofie is a young, beautiful girl who thinks she is ugly. Just like I was. The Witch of the Waste put a spell on her and turned her into an old woman. I have certainly felt like I've had that spell put on me, too. But unlike I was, she is resilient... and not afraid to face people who are mean-spirited or moody. She is courageous... and walked miles through rough terrain to reach her destination.

Howl is a wizard. Sofie went looking for him hoping he could break the spell the Witch of the Waste put on her. She arrived as an old woman, believing the only place she can go is to this castle. Inside, she finds it absolutely filthy, which reminded me of how dirty my son's room was as well as the homes some men (and some women) I have known were. She declared herself a cleaning lady and went to town cleaning and scrubbing every part of the castle... despite the resistance she received from its inhabitants. I thought about the neatnik I am, cleaning every inch of my living space.

Sophie easily stands up to Howl's cranky behavior, firmly reprimands him, she sees through his behavior, and chooses to see his kindness... the same kindness that allowed her and another apprentice to live in his castle. I had also chosen to look past the behavior of boys and men, choosing to see the good in them. But I didn't know how to be assertive like Sofie.

Despite his power and expertise, Howl must battle the evil the Witch of the Waste had done, putting spells on people that he couldn't figure out how to reverse. He is stuck emotionally as a teenager constantly concerned about his looks and impressing girls. In the book, he spends hours in the bathroom preparing for a date. If a girl he is pursuing rejects him, he comes back depressed and turns into slime which oozes all over the castle. I loved this visual. He had a reputation of kidnapping girls and eating their hearts... typical of most of the boys and men I was involved with who pursued me only until I fell in love with them. I felt like they had eaten my heart, too.

The castle itself is a grand invention that reminded me of some of the things my nephew invented. Maybe Howl had Aspergers, too. He even had similar meltdowns. There is a magic knob inside by the door... and depending on what setting it is put on, the door opens to completely different landscapes. I compared this to my own environment.

One of the knob settings of my life opens the door to the current pandemic. I peek out, become aware, get educated, practice recommended precautions, then close that door and turn the knob again. My front door looks out onto a parking lot and other apartment buildings. My back door looks out onto the creek, beautiful with trees, grass, blooming flowers, squirrels, birds, deer, and community cats. 

I already know the consequences of stress, worry, and anxiety. It is what it is. The only thing within my control is how I react to it. 

In the movie the enemy drops bombs, destroying communities just like COVID-19 is doing. And after much destruction, the people who remain pick up what is left and rebuild. Even my own great grandparents did this. I am alive today because people in that generation survived the holocaust... and the world wars. I have faith that no matter what happens, people will recover and rebuild.

Since I have experienced being fractured as a result of too much stress, I thought about COVID-19 being fractured as a result of the stress humans have caused to the planet. It's her only defense. 

What is within my control? Meditation and visualization. I began to visualize the virus as a stressed-out fractured entity defending itself against the onslaught of torturous activities such as fracturing, deforestation, and pollution. Now that she has succeeded in putting the brakes on that assault, I began to visualize loving this entity back into integration just like I learned therapists can do with people who suffer from trauma. I see in my mind's eye all its particles collecting in one place, being contained, and going into the center of the earth to be purified in molten lava. It is a visual I learned when I took ThetaHealing classes to release and purify our own toxic energy.

Sophie managed to walk through miles of rough terrain, even though she complained the entire way, to get to where she needed to go. With COVID, I see our emergency responders and healthcare workers courageously walking through the unexpected, the unplanned, and the unknown.

We can all be scaredy cats during the current dilemma or see it as a challenge for a wizard. In the story, Howl takes on an apprentice who spends days on end trying to figure out how to make a spell work. The wizards of the world are studying how the virus operates. They are wizards, even wizards in training, bravely experimenting with 'spells' to come up with a way to defeat it. We can choose to support their efforts with positive prayer, meditation, and visualization. But fear is known in every spiritual community to feed the evil energies. This is yet one more opportunity to shift fear into love to diminish its power. 

By the end of the book and movie, love, indeed, prevails. Spells are broken, and people's lives go back to normal. It is a message. We can do this, too.

The Let-Down Effect and Expansion

Last week, I experienced another adrenaline rush followed by what I learned is called The Let-Down Effect. On my way home from an iRest Yoga Nidra meditation held in the building that was previously the fire station, I encountered a pole extending across the side-walk while I was riding my mobility scooter... didn't see it until it was in front of my face... barely stopped in time. Two days later, I decided to call the fire department to report the hazard as it had been their building. I was told the new owner would be contacted.

As soon as I hung up from this call, my heart began racing and fireworks of shooting spasm-like pain started in my lower back and shot all the way up to my neck. BREATHE. BREATHE. You know what this is now. It's adrenaline letdown. It will pass. BREATHE. At least this time, I didn't get the exhaustion followed by getting sick.

Once it subsided, I Googled "remedies for adrenaline letdown" and found this article. (Click on the link to read more.) The Let-down Effect.

"It's long been known that stress can lead to illness but only recently has evidence emerged that some people tend to get sick after a pressure-packed period has ended." "During acute stress, the body releases key hormones – including glucocorticoids (like cortisol), catecholamines (like norepinephrine) and adrenaline – to prepare itself to fight or flee from danger and to trigger the immune system to step up certain types of surveillance. In the process, "glucocorticoids can reactivate latent viral infections such as herpes simplex 1 [which causes cold sores] and Epstein-Barr virus [which can trigger fatigue, fever, sore throat and swollen glands], for which symptoms are only obvious after a few days,"...

The Let-Down Effect explains why I have gotten sick after stressful situations occur!

Since my last post about 'parts,' my quest brought more results to add to my collection.

I had Barbara Ann Brennan's two books: Hands of Light and Light Emerging on my bookshelf. They caught my attention when I was looking for the next thing to read while peddling on my recumbent bike (30 minutes at a time). For me, reading and digesting what I read can be miles apart, but even if I get just one thing out of it, that one thing is more than I had before. Thirty minutes of reading this material is all I can handle at one time. I finished Hands of Light and opened Light Emerging.

Meanwhile, I had purchased the book Transforming Anxiety: The HeartMath Solution for Overcoming Fear and Worry and Creating Serenity. HeartMath was one of many therapies suggested in the book The Body Keeps The Score, and I wanted to learn more about what this was. In addition to a book I read (reeeed) while cycling, I always keep a book to read by my bed. (The rest of the time, I read stuff on the internet.)

"HeartMath technology is an innovative approach to improving emotional wellbeing. Learn to change your heart rhythm pattern to create physiological coherence; a scientifically measurable state characterized by increased order and harmony in our mind, emotions, and body." You can read more on heartmath.com.

I'm still reading the book. So far, I've learned about something called 'overcare' (caring too much) which results in anxiety. There are exercises and meditations to do to become AWARE of thoughts, feelings, and the stories you tell yourself about your experiences. Trauma often affects heart rhythms, and HeartMath relates to becoming aware of your heart rhythm and 'regulating' it consciously through meditation. I must have over a dozen recorded meditations so far... and can't decide which one to listen to. Sigh...

Meanwhile, someone I knew from past involvement in a writer's group contacted me about iRest Yoga Nidra. He was doing a series of four classes in my town and thought I'd be interested. YES. Especially when I learned it was a method of trauma therapy. He also provided me with a link for a four-week clinical study on iRest Yoga Nidra. I applied and was accepted into a program for aging adults. I couldn't wait to find out how to alleviate my anxiety about getting older... getting older with chronic pain. There are four videos to watch, a study guide to download, and homework to do.

In iRest, one must identify feelings and emotions AND THEIR OPPOSITES. Decide on your heartfelt desire (????), set an intention (????), and find your inner resource (????). In meditation, you go back and forth between the feelings and emotions you came up with. The goal is to sense where in the body you feel them and cease reacting to any of them... to make it all neutral. Even be OK with PAIN. We get to choose two sets of opposites in each category.

Information overload... frustration... I must figure this all out... and my brain tells me, "I feel so stupid," because I can't make the connections I'm supposed to in all of this... then I remember that this is the point of the course... to learn HOW... and now I have a negative emotion I can use in this exercise. Feeling stupid.

I'm used to doing things like this in a group where I can hear what everyone else is doing and get ideas. I could take a break and MEDITATE... and listen to what comes up... but I'm too wired to do that... the whole point of meditation is to SLOW DOWN.

In addition to Jay Shetty (found him on Facebook), who used to be a Buddhist Monk, in this iRest program, I now meet Michael Sapiro, PsyD, who also used to be a Buddhist Monk. I remembered how years ago, after meeting a woman who was studying material (can't remember exactly what) with a group who met at an Eastern Medicine doctor's house.

Meanwhile, one of the pages or friends I have on Facebook posted something by Michael Cupo. Michael wrote It's Monday in Your Mind: You Are Not Your Thoughts. I read some of the pages from Look inside on Amazon and also explored his website. He was teaching the same concept.

And meanwhile, I came across posts from Byron Katie: A Mind At Home With Yourself. I read some Look inside pages from her book on Amazon and explored her website. She was teaching this concept, too.

In 2008, I totaled my GMC Sonoma. When the truck came to rest in the ravine, everything in it came flying at me. I feel like all this information is flying at me in the same way. But the message began to get clear. One must develop the ability to observe all they experience without reacting to any of it... no matter how good it is or horrible.

Can someone like me... who can be an emotional rollercoaster... from excitement to despair and back up again... learn how to do this? Do I want to? I was just getting the gist of raising my vibration by focusing on pleasure with all of my senses... and pushing out everything else. But according to all this other material, doing so causes RESISTANCE. And resistance contributes to anxiety. Even Teal Swan teaches this.

It feels like a vicious circle. I have anxiety just thinking about the process. All the feelings and emotions have minds of their own. There are DOZENS of them. Each lives in their own little compartment. They don't even know how to be friends. All I feel is the result of resisting them when more than one decides to surface and declare war on my field (my physical body)... which contributes to anxiety. But in order to conquer the anxiety, I must be able to identify and feel where in my body each of the feelings and emotions reside.

Which comes first? The chicken or the egg?

I'm waiting for all this information to CLICK. Assimilation. It did for all the teachers who are now teaching this stuff. I know because I read their bios. Each and every one of them started out with one situation or another that resulted in trauma, anxiety, and/or depression. They found a program that helped them and are now teaching. Some have expanded the program they found into one of their own.

Maybe it is like a murder mystery... and requires an investigation... after all... I did attempt to murder my other 'parts' (read the previous blog post) when I suppressed them.

I feel like I am being followed... by a stalker... by many stalkers... parts of myself I abandoned a long time ago. Maybe I feel threatened because I have been stalked by a human stalker in the past and my brain is mixing them up.

Maybe I resist studying... and if I change the task to doing an investigation, I will enjoy it more.

I want to feel safe inside my body. I don't remember when I decided I wasn't. I want the courage to face the other parts of me that threaten my peace of mind. Perhaps these other parts have the answers I seek... I'm sure they do... but there are so MANY other parts! And I haven't learned how to listen to only one at a time... yet...

I'm good at staying busy and distracting myself... and many others do the same. We are human BEings. But very few people want to just BE. Mmmmmm. Perhaps that bee that hovered around me (I wrote a post about it) had this message for me, too. BE.

Wallflower

Copyright (c) 2018 Renee Alter

The informal definition of wallflower is: a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party. 

I was such a wallflower. I felt invisible so when I DID get some attention, I was blind that the attention I was getting was from predators... predators who could sense vulnerable wallflowers... not just once, but way too many times. 

I find it interesting that the solo flower that bloomed on my peace lily reminded me of those years. I wondered... did this solo flower bloom solo on purpose?

Is it lonely without other flowers or happy in the company of all the leaves? Can I put myself in the flower's place and admire its beauty and determination to bloom? Can I be content that I had the company of numerous grains of sand on the beach when no one else was there as well as numerous blades of grass?

My perspective of being a wallflower has since changed. I am now in awe of what breaks through rock and cement determined to grow... like this...

Copyright (c) 2017 Renee Alter

I, too, have broken through rock and cement due to my spirit's determination to not only live, but to thrive. My rocks and cement were in the forms of hopelessness and despair believing I was stuck in the situations I found myself in. Without mentors, I couldn't see past my personal stone wall and I  lacked the tools to know how to break through them.

Finally the day came, when the stone wall began to crumble. It was terrifying and I felt like the stone was crushing me. Even the inexpensive apartment I got in 2009 had gray painted cinderblock walls that felt like a tomb, which reflected the state of mind I was in. Yes, I was indeed hopeless. I felt abandoned by my family and hadn't met anyone I could bond with. I imploded into my own mind and didn't know how to get out.

A LOT has happened since then. These days, the Universe sends me people who are feeling stuck in their own rocks and cement so I can finally appreciate my experience of being there. I can encourage them in their own personal journeys and teach them the concepts I have learned about limited thinking and cognitive distortions. I can teach them about validating and releasing their emotions so they don't manifest as physical symptoms.

When they express how hopeless their life is, I can tell them there is ALWAYS hope.

Missing In Action

I've been gone for a while.... missing in action.

The hottest heatwave arrived in Texas (and most everywhere) this last July. I felt helpless the night the roof a/c of the motor home groaned to a halt at 10pm. The week before, I visited a 70-year-old lady on one of her good days, who had a very severe case of FMS. At 2am the night the a/c died, she texted me that I could come over to her house if I had trouble with my a/c. I thought maybe she was psychic. The following morning, a window a/c was propped up into the window by the dinette, and I prayed it would work sufficiently. By 11am, the temperature had climbed to 90 inside and I had to get out of there. I drove to that lady's house that day and every day for the next 2 months, returning to home base around 8:30pm. Most nights it was still 90 when I got home. I was relieved that the 2 kittens had gone back to the farm to live (couldn't sleep with their night activity in small quarters).

On the upside, I had an air-conditioned place to hang out during the day while temperatures soared over 100 degrees. On the downside, the lady was sick and in pain all but two of those days. She hibernated in her bedroom and swallowed numerous pills of every kind to deal with her afflictions. I became terrified of ending up like her by the time I was 70. On top of that, I had nothing to do while I was there except lay down on her sofa (for comfort), read, or watch her large screen TV. I got very little exercise or human interaction.

As the days went by, I sunk deeper and deeper into what I learned is 'THE BLACK HOLE.' Read any information about anxiety and depression... I had most of the symptoms. As each day went by, I dreaded returning to that house. I also began to dread going back to the motor home. Her husband (15 years younger than her and a disabled vet who hibernated in HIS room) asked if I would be interested in moving in with them. I politely declined, horrified of what my life would be like if I did.

I desperately wanted to pack what would fit in my car and return to California... stay with my older sister or my mother. Their doors are closed due to difficult transitional situations they are both dealing with. In my despair, I detached from them and grieved about not having a home to go back to.

In September, I started searching diligently for other possible living situations, browsing craigslist. The motor home was fun for a while. I had survived the winter wearing sweaters, hats, scarves & gloves to bed because my 'house' wasn't insulated. Even with electric heaters running, it was COLD. I kicked myself for trading in my paid-for van for a newer car with a 6-year commitment of payments. In this part of Texas, I could have afforded a decent apartment without them (car payments). I was isolated where I was living, gas prices were up and it was 20 miles round trip to anywhere (except her house). I checked out one nice house to see if I could rent a room, but it, too, was in an isolated area.

On craigslist, a post from a disabled woman looking to rent a room caught my eye. Didn't have a room for her... yet. I also looked down at my checkbook and declared I needed a new place to live SOON before I had to reorder checks. Within 24 hours I learned that one of the landlord's houses had been vacated and would be available for rent... the one in town next to the grocery store. I had been in it a year before and wondered at that time if I'd ever live in it.

I contacted the woman via craigslist (email) and told her about the house. When I went to look at it, I was horrified by its condition. I bolted back to the motor home in a major tizzy. Summer was not over and neither was the heatwave. The only thing going for this house was recently installed central heat/air and weatherized windows/doors. It was old. It was filthy. Supporting boards under it were broken so the floors were wavy and tiles were cracked. Inside must have had 15 coats of paint and was about to get another one. The bathroom was unfinished. The landlord told me I could live there rent-free (pay for the utilities) while I cleaned it up and painted it. ME?

I slept on the floor on a mat in the midst of 'construction' because it was air-conditioned... unless I went to that other lady's house again. I endured many anxiety attacks which continued long after he finally agreed to do most of the cleaning/painting. Linda (from craigslist) arrived a week early, before her room could be painted. She was relieved to have a place to go. While she is perfectly OK with the condition of this house (she had endured worse), I had to try really hard to focus on what was good about living here... including no lease and no security deposit which freed both Linda and I to transfer to places we were on waiting lists for. I ended up moving most of my belongings one carload at a time, making about one trip a week. I discovered that the motor home was infested with mice, who chewed up some shoes and other belongings. Once the kittens were gone, I guess they felt safe enough to move in.

In an attempt to be positive, I declared this place to be a half-way house... half way between where I was living before and where I would live next. My brother, Jon, passed away the day after Thanksgiving which gave me a real reason to grieve. Then two weeks ago, I received a call from a 55+ Active Senior Apartments I looked into last July which I heard about from a lady who arranged day trips for seniors. I was told a new complex was being completed and they wanted to know if I'd be interested in applying for it. I drove out there with a friend to see it, and filled out the application... I'd have to start all over again in a new city but I finally feel like I have something to hope for again.... I'm on the waiting list...

Meanwhile, if I have anything going for me, it is a streak of stubbornness. If I couldn't get counseling, I would have to study up and learn how to get myself out of the rut of depression I fell into. I am also learning that certain people are prone to depression (like me) and I have to learn to spot the warning signs.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is supposed to help people deal with Arthritis and other chronic afflictions, which are often complicated by depression (feeling powerless), but I don't have the kind of insurance that pays for it. I managed to get to the library and started reading up on depression, depression self-help, psychology, Yoga, etc. Although one of the many counselors I sought out only took cash patients, he loaned me a couple of books I could read. I started back on Premarin (estrogen) which stopped the never-ending waves of hot flashes that plagued me all night long as well as the day time. I also started up on 1/2 of the smallest available dose of an antidepressant called Remeron (its generic). I've been on it a week with no side effects.... and maybe it's working.

I've been reading 'Yoga and the Quest for the True Self' by Stephen Cope most of today. Interestingly, COPE is what this book is helping me to do.

Today, in the midst of thunderstorms (literally), muscle contractions and pain (I tried to go without the TENS for most of the day), I felt a sense of hope again. So I climbed into this blog, which I haven't touched since June and created this post. I've already moved 42 times ... maybe I'll start packing now for the next one.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow.

Message of Hope

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolate. 

I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too. My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof.'

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnosis, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking. 

The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with belladonna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.

I need more than prayer. I need more than a church. I need a complete lifestyle adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating?

My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate, and my body will no longer tolerate medication.

I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of freshly juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.