Death by Medicine

On March 5, I watched the documentary titled Death by Medicine. I am in shock and very grateful that I am as well as I am. I really wish I knew back then what I know now, that I could go back in time, and redo that part of my life drug-free. Yes, I had tried... Chinese Medicine and some other alternative solutions... but when I collapsed in 1998, I went to a Physiatrist (Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation) and trusted his protocol. Afterall, he set me up on permanent disability.

I can't believe I was so dumb to be a guinea pig to so many drugs (and vaccines)! I also can't believe I went to doctors who prescribed them! But I was in pain and it was all I knew. At least now I can understand what was going on with doctors and prescriptions after watching the film.

To sum up, students in medical school are taught by pharmaceutical companies which drugs to prescribe for which symptoms vs. finding the root causes. We trust our doctors to know what they are doing, but it is a guessing game when it comes to most drugs--which makes us guinea pigs. Many of the drugs were pushed through the FDA even though there was proven dangers to using them. Yikes! The sales reps and students acted (and still do) on blind trust. We don't have a healthcare system, we have a sick-care system--one that has an interest in making as much money as it can.

A lot of the drugs discussed in the film are ones I had been prescribed and took for many years. Ouch! I will just review in brief (I have a lot more detail in my memoir, Love, Life, & God: Getting Past the Pain.)

As a child, I was given Belladonna for intestinal cramps... but no one knew back then that I was allergic to milk. I have no memories of the cramps or whether the drug helped to relieve them. The doctor said it was nerves, and I could have also been reacting to the tension in the household.

When I was a teen, I was prescribed Darvon and Demerol for menstrual cramps which made me hallucinate in school. My head detached from my shoulders and I floated a foot above the stairs. The doctor then prescribed a combination of Motrin and Dexedrine. It turned out that I had polycystic ovarian disease. When I was 19, I was put on synthetic birth control pills.

When I was 18, I was given Elavil for depression. It's a good thing I didn't take it for long. I quit because it made me drowsy during the day even though I took it at bedtime and I had to go to work. I also had developed sore throats (later diagnosed as Mono) and I'm sure I had been given too many doses of antibiotics. I am grateful I didn't have the types of side effects discussed in the film.

When I was 21, I dozed at the wheel and opened my eyes just in time to see the car I was about to crash into. I began to take Valium for muscles spasms. They had a rebound effect in which every time I stopped taking them, the spasms returned.

The real problems began in 1998 which I mentioned in the first paragraph. I'm surprised I still have a brain, although I probably lost a good number of brain cells. By July 2010, I was prescribed 11 medications which I took every day.

Proton Pump Inhibitors

I had eroded my esophagus by swallowing three 200mg tablets of Motrin every 4 hours every day and the solution was antacids and PPI's. Every time I stopped taking them, the acid would come up and burn. Within the last few years, I began eating crystalized ginger which stopped the acid reflux. I also learned it is caused by not enough acid and enzymes in your stomach to digest protein. For more information on the dangers of taking these go to The Dangers of Proton Pump Inhibitors

Muscle Relaxers

Valium, Soma, then Flexeril, No wonder the muscle relaxers didn't help. They can trigger the very muscle spasms you are trying to alleviate. (Dr. John Bergman) Better are Somatic exercises to help your brain remember how to release spasms.

Opioids

I am so grateful I got off of them before the recent crisis hit and people are suddenly unable to get them after being dependent on them for YEARS. The Opioids started off with Vicodin, then a Fentanyl patch which I had an immediate reaction to. Then it was Norco. Vicodin and Norco are hydrocodone combined with acetaminophen but in different doses. Now they say acetaminophen can damage your liver. After someone suggested I Google Opioid induced hyperaglasia... which I did... I knew it was time to stop taking them.

Antipsychotics

Once again, it's a miracle I still have a brain. There was the cocktail of antidepressants and antiseizure drugs even though I wasn't having seizures. These included Ativan (the nightmare drug in the film), Klonopin, and Neurontin which was later changed to the generic Gabapentin. At some point, I was switched to Lyrica and gained 30 pounds in 2 months so I quit taking it, left to deal with a bloated body.

After being on each of the anti-depressants for 2-3 years, warnings would reach my doctor so he would switch me to a new one--in this order Serzone, Seroquel, Effexor 2x day following by extended release, and Cymbalta. Cymbalta was the last one I was on when I stopped taking everything cold turkey in 2010. When I crawled (literally) back to the doctor several months later, she began to prescribe new ones--Celexa followed by Cymbalta at which point I not only felt suicidal, but I disconnected and disassociated. I could no longer relate to any of the photos of my family members. I am very grateful I didn't end up in a psych ward like the ones in the film as they would have most likely pumped me up with additional ones.

I wouldn't try any more antidepressants for another year after exhausting my efforts to try the nutritional approach. (I didn't have enough information at the time.) When I did accept another one, my doctor prescribed Paxil which made me feel sick, and finally Remeron (Mirtazapine). Are you seeing the pattern of how it is a guessing game as to which drug will actually help? Anyway, at 1/2 the lowest dose, after a week, I began to notice the sun and the clouds again along with the sound of birds--things I had been unable to notice the previous year. However, the dose was continuously increased until I reached max.

Last July, I wanted to begin weaning off Mirtazapine (the last of all the drugs) after realizing grains (whole grains, too) were contributing to pain and inflammation. Besides, I really didn't like feeling drugged 20 minutes after swallowing a pill. I slowly reduced the dose to 7.5 mg and then began skipping 1 day, 2 days, and when I got to 3, the headaches, itching, and ADD-like symptoms would begin. See further down for "Bri Linney."

The Cocktail for Metabolic Syndrome

Among the many side effects of all the medications I was taking were high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and frozen shoulder. I was prescribed drugs for all of these, including the Metformin mentioned in the film. I don't recall Statin drugs being discussed in the film, but there is a lot on the internet about these. For the frozen shoulder, I was prescribed corticosteroids for 7 days which didn't do anything to alleviate it. Again, just a guessing game on the part of the doctor. (It was eventually sound therapy that did.)

Hormones

Premarin is discussed in the film. I took this for YEARS as well! Now they say bioidentical hormones are much safer.

Osteoporosis Medicines

First, it was Boniva, then it was changed to Fosamax. After taking these for years, I began to learn they keep old bone cells from dying (the natural cycle is old cells dying and new cells birthing) which makes your bones MORE brittle vs. stronger. Several dentists told me about it affecting their patients' jaws and women were fracturing their thighs.

I really do cringe at how much I put my body through!

I recently came across a Facebook page called Cymbalta Hurts Worse and found out how dangerous it is to get off this drug once you start along with information about half-life and what happens when you skip even one day. All the symptoms I dealt with for about 2 years after I quit taking them are noted on this site.

This inspired me to check on the half-life of Mirtazapine and found it to be much better than Cymbalta--it was OK to skip the days I was skipping. At the end of November, I began going to Bri Linney of Complete Chiropractic and Wellness Center with the hope she'd be able to help me get off this drug. She had started me on homeopathy for my hypothalamus followed by one for lymph drainage. I took the last Mirtazapine on February 23. Yay!!!

When you are prescribed an antidepressant, they don't tell you what will happen when you try to stop taking them. Once you start, you must take them for life. This is true for quite a few prescription drugs. Doctors are not informed.

I hope if you haven't already, seek other means of finding the cause of your symptoms. Serotonin is produced in your gut and there are other ways of treating the root causes of your symptoms. I've also been following posts by Amen Clinics and Brain MD, learning about the brain--and watched The Broken Brain.

I don't trust ANY drugs now--not even over the counter ones, nor do I trust what is in Vaccines. Take care of your health where it begins... with nutrition, exercise, the right amount of sleep, stress management, meaningful connections with others, and a sense of purpose. I'm sure if your life depends on it, there is a drug that can save you--side effects and all. And I suppose I'd still want anesthesia if I need surgery. (Have had it a few times.) As for tense muscles, headaches, allergies, anxiety, or an arthritis flare, I've got my doTERRA essential oils.

I can be sad that I lost so many years while "doped up" and sedated on prescription meds. In addition to being a "victim" to childhood experiences which led to all the adult ones I dealt with, I was a "victim" of the allopathic medicine and pharmaceutical industry. However, it's what I do now that matters. I became my own psychologist and wellness advocate and strive to inspire in others the possibility of natural solutions to all the types of issues I used to have, with a few lingering although milder.

Watch the film: Death by Medicine

Then tell me what you think!

The Little Pill

As I placed the tiny pill (Mirtazapine/Anti-Depressant) into my daily pill reminder, it finally sunk in how much power a tiny little pill has on the human body. (Animals, too.) One tiny Ativan or Valium can sedate you in the midst of an anxiety attack. One tiny pill can lower your blood pressure. How much power do you think the food you eat has? And the chemical additives and preservatives have? And the toxins in skin-care products and household cleaners?

I can appreciate the miraculous system of my body to process the food I eat and the fluids I drink, but I no longer want to give it more than it can handle – and create and maintain optimal health. By optimal, I mean the best I am capable of giving my body – to support its pre-existing conditions – with the hope it will continue to grow stronger.

In the meantime, since buying doTERRA Peppermint oil, I’ve had an insatiable appetite to inhale it and drink water with two drops in it. Two TINY drops. All day long, each time I refill my glass of water.

When I mentioned this to my ‘teacher,’ she responded, “Well, of course! Peppermint is anti-inflammatory! That makes perfect sense!”

At that moment, I realized that two tiny drops had been, indeed, reducing overall pain… a pleasant addition to getting more Oxygen during the night while I sleep with the CPAP. My other favorite right now is Past Tense. I roll some of this on the vertebrae of my neck and feel the warmth spread, while the scent of delicious oils permeates my senses.

And then there’s HOPE. I was intrigued, so I ordered a bottle. It smells wonderful! doTERRA created HOPE to give out to children who are being enslaved by sex trafficking, with the promise they would be rescued by the Healing Hands Foundation, which partners with Operation Underground Railroad. Did you even know there was one? They hand out bottles of HOPE to children they are seeking to rescue (it's a process) to let them know a rescue is planned. All profits from selling this oil to the rest of us benefits this Foundation as well. 

Knowing I am buying something ($20 a bottle) that makes this much difference in the lives of children, gives me HOPE for this world. doTERRA partners with indigenous people in other countries as well for plant farming in their natural habitat. While the plants are being attended by the farmers, doTERRA provides those who participate improved quality of living. I know when I buy the oils, I am also contributing to decent salaries (charities) all over the world vs. buying products that are produced by child labor for pennies.

Back to the tiny pill. I was one of many who were brainwashed to believe the pharma pills had all the power, along with the doctors who prescribed them. Back in 2010, I was taking 11 prescription drugs every day. Now I only take two. 

May I, as well as many others, find solutions for their health with clean eating… and Certified Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils, like doTERRA. (The ones sold in Walmart say they are not safe to ingest and likely diluted with additives.) Indeed, it surely is nice to crave Peppermint oil instead of sweets and junk food!

Stories

We all have our stories. Since the beginning of time, there have been story-tellers. The bible is filled with them. The first one that pops into my mind is the story of Job. I relate to this one because my life felt like his... only he stood his ground in his faith, while I wavered in a state of confusion.

When you were a child, hopefully someone read stories to you. Then hopefully, you learned to read and you read lots of books. Perhaps they were fantasy, perhaps they were mysteries, perhaps they were adventure, perhaps they were romance. Or politics, war, history, and religion. His-story. What about Her-story?

What are your stories? Do you have the courage to tell them?

This past week, I was invited to tell my 'story.' Twice. I was thinking about this while I took a shower this morning. What could I conclude by being asked twice in the same week? I tend to be a bit long-winded (self perception) when someone invites me to tell how I was able to walk again after being wheelchair dependent for about five years. How does one explain in just a few minutes the complex process of what I went through to get back on my feet? Or how the stress of life circumstances kept me incapacitated? After all, it wasn't something simple like having non-invasive back surgery.

Because I couldn't get the help I needed and didn't know what type of help would benefit me the most, the journey was a complex one. I decided to read, study, and research for myself how to get myself better. Now that I reflect back on these years, I realize I must have somehow known I COULD get better.

I had to come to terms with the Law of Attraction... how I was inviting most of the disastrous scenarios into my life because it was all I was focused on.

I found out about the 10 forms of twisted thinking (cognitive distortions) which led to my being able to finally climb out of the black hole I fell into. I'm sure it helped that I acknowledged I had every single one of them. When I discovered my thoughts were all twisted and my conclusions mostly false, I got excited because this meant I could find the ones that were true!

I learned that stress, my perception of life events, and lack of knowledge of stress-reduction techniques kept me incapacitated. Stress is a complex mix ranging from negative thoughts, a sedentary life, poor nutrition, side effects to medications, grief, and more. When the stress subsided, the sun in my world came out. Literally. Imagine waking up one day and actually noticing the sun was shining and the sky was blue.

Yes, I had lots of stories. However, the people I told my stories to didn't want to hear them so their responses affected my self-esteem.

I used to tell lots of stories about how bad everything was in my life. There weren't any happy endings... and there's nothing like hearing from others that one of my stories was about their life, too... only they didn't know how to tell their own story... or like I used to feel, that no one cared or would listen.

Google search or type in the YouTube search box 'TED Talks' and you will find many stories. The rage now is to incorporate story-telling to create connections with other people... in politics, religion... even in sales and marketing. The catch is, you must find the right audience to listen to them. Family may not be this audience, especially when they are caught up in their own toxic life, yet refuse to tell anyone what's going on inside their head.

I Googled the Psychology of Storytelling and found an article in Psychology Today.

"Stories are authentic human experiences. Stories leapfrog the technology and bring us to the core of experience, as any good storyteller (transmedia or otherwise) knows. There are several psychological reasons why stories are so powerful."

Here's the link so you can read the rest of the article:

The Psychological Power of Story-Telling

I really like this part:

"Stories are about collaboration and connection. They transcend generations, they engage us through emotions, and they connect us to others. Through stories we share passions, sadness, hardships and joys. We share meaning and purpose. Stories are the common ground that allows people to communicate, overcoming our defenses and our differences. Stories allow us to understand ourselves better and to find our commonality with others."

I wish I knew back then what I know now, how important my stories were and still are. Now that I am in Toastmasters, I am learning how to tweak them to become specific speeches. My challenge is figuring out how to condense my really long stories down to five minutes and choosing which parts of the stories would have the most impact.

 
I also can't help but wonder if our core desire to have good stories to tell resulted in the life we experience. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Do we decide what our stories will be before we are born? Was the life we lived created by these stories? When we figure out we are powerful creators - creating our own lives, can we completely change gears and create a new one? So far, I am finding the answer to this last question to be yes.

My deepest desire is to feel connection. Now that I feel safe sharing my stories and I'm receiving validation for having the courage to share them, I confidently move forward! I am told my newfound joy is infectious and somehow, someway, I will figure out how to effectively inspire transformation in others.

What's more, I recently published two new books. The first, Alternate Realities: Daydreams of Conversations is a collection of short stories based on my life experiences only with imaginary happy endings. 

"Once upon a time... as all fairy tales begin... sparks the imagination. I recently began writing them after I came across the concept that regardless of how difficult your life has been, you can recreate your life by imagining and writing a different story. For those who like to immerse themselves in all kinds of possibilities, I recommend that you write some of your own. Who knows? One of them might come true! The following short stories are in this book: The Psychologist, The Barista Restaurant, Twin Flame, Wish Maker, The Blue Stone, Kindred Spirits, Fairy God Father."

Buy on Amazon

I also updated and republished Personal Journal & Recipes for Healthy Living. (7/29/19 Update: I discontinued this book as it wasn't selling and became outdated.)

Thank you for stopping by and reading my post. Please share... how have your stories affected your life and what have you done to create new ones?

Autoimmune, Calcium, Sleep Apnea, Pain, & Vaccines

I finished reading The Autoimmune Fix — and learned more about what Dr. Mark Wiley wrote in Arthritis Reversed. Then I read The Calcium Lie II — and learned about all the physical, emotional, and mental consequences of drinking milk and taking Calcium supplements.

The Calcium Lie II has answered many questions and solved many mysteries. I had forgotten about meeting the mysterious Dr. Stephen King in the P.O. parking lot back in 2011 who had told me to STOP taking calcium supplements. It was accumulating in my joints, muscles, and even my brain (depression). I did for a while but bent to the pressures of my past M.D. to take them again.

Highlights from The Calcium Lie II:

Before refrigeration, food (meat) was preserved in Rock Salt/Sea Salt which had ALL the minerals in it. Even cattle are given rock salt so they get their minerals. Post refrigeration, because the salt clumped together, all the minerals were processed out. When people were getting goiters, iodine was added back, but without all the other minerals our mineral balance is thrown off. As a result, the general population became mineral deficient and it all went downhill from there.

They say our soil is depleted so we don’t get enough nutrients. They add Ascorbic Acid to food and call it Vitamin C, which it isn’t so we are C deficient.... and it goes on...

The bakers didn’t like that flour clumped together either, so they processed the health benefits out, added bromine to keep it from clumping, and a few isolated vitamins. This flour went into all the baked goods along with iodized salt.

What are the health benefits of bromine? Have you ever asked? I certainly didn’t…

“Bromine is corrosive to human tissue in a liquid state and its vapors irritate eyes and throat. Bromine vapors are very toxic with inhalation. Humans can absorb organic bromines through the skin, with food and during breathing.”
And just like there doesn’t seem to be an escape from Roundup (glyphosate), avoiding grains won’t keep you safe from Bromine. They spray it on berries to keep them from getting moldy from the time they are picked to the time they get to market.

I watched the movie Food, Inc. on Netflix and learned even more about what is in most of the food we eat. Scary stuff!

I’ve been wishing for a solution to my sore, achy knees and legs. Still studying, researching, and hopeful. There’s so much I want to do and sometimes I feel ???? because my legs hurt too much to walk around anywhere. I haven’t even been able to go walking around my beautiful creek.

Along came The 2017 Tapping World Summit. I had already purchased The Tapping Solution for Pain Relief, but haven’t read it yet. While listening to various podcasts from this summit, I used my phone to record some of the tapping sequences — tools for purging stress and emotional components of pain and illness. Muscle spasm? Think aggravated, frustrated, angry, about things like:

“Why is this still happening? I’m eating right, taking the right supplements, drinking enough water, etc. I’m so frustrated! I’m doing everything I’m supposed to and the pain is still there!”

Mmmm. If all these other practitioners are using it, I can work on this, too. Instead of tapping on pain, you tap on the emotions, which include rejection, disappointment, anger, frustration, and resentment associated with the pain.

While The Tapping World Summit was going on, The Thyroid Secret began. More information about how stress-filled life throws everything out of balance and how the ‘Allopathic’ docs prescribe drugs for the symptoms vs. getting to the root cause… which includes toxins, SAD (Standard American Diet), and clearing the stories you’ve been telling yourself about all the life situations that resulted in stress-induced imbalances.

On the lineup to read is Heal Your Pain Now by Dr. Joe Tatta. Debora Wayne has an interesting program, too, and I subscribed to her emails. She says pain is solid and we can change it to fluid and then vapor. Your pain is REAL, but you can locate the source of the pain (emotions and/or memories) and release all the STUCK energy.

Within the same week, Kristin’s Essential Oil class was on PTSD. There is actually a trigger cycle. 3% of our brain is conscious. 97% is subconscious. We are ruled by the subconscious memories and conclusions (blueprint) which can easily be ‘triggered’ by things as tiny as someone looking at you wrong or saying the wrong word or when you hear certain sounds.

Within this same week, I decided to get Ambika’s BioTerrain testing done (urine analysis). The physical aspects of the pain can be attributed to an acidic body. When the body is overly acidic, the body takes minerals from vital organs and bones to neutralize the acid and remove it from the body.

I am not only acidic, I have high levels of Ammonia, Nitrates, and Oxidation. My body is trying to alkalize itself by pulling minerals from my bones. Very enlightening!

I asked if Sleep Apnea can contribute to this. She said yes. Not enough oxygen.

And the intuitive healer I saw at the Metaphysical Fair when I went to visit with Ambika told me I wasn’t breathing enough through my diaphragm. I love how everything comes together like a Master Mind team to come up with actual solutions.

In my opinion, medicine is like religion and politics. People go to med school to become doctors, and most believe what they are taught, just like most students believe the history they are taught in school is correct when it’s not. Now that I’ve had the opportunity to listen to hundreds of docs from all over the world who have changed their religion or political affiliation to alternative/functional medicine, more people are becoming aware that the pharmaceutical/ medical industry is a money-making greedy business designed to keep us sick so they can make money off of treatments and drugs.

Mmmm...

There are other tests I am considering, but perhaps won’t be needed in addition to the BioTerrain. Dr. Thompson (The Calcium Lie II) recommends a hair mineral analysis test so you can see a blueprint of which minerals you need (in addition to eating sea salt and taking organic ionic minerals).

There is the full spectrum thyroid testing (which my MD won’t do even though my TSH was too high) but Ambika, who has had thyroid issues since she was a young teen, gave me the book, Why Do I Still Have Thyroid Symptoms? to read. Thyroid levels change on a daily basis and testing would have to be done frequently.

I am also interested in the antibody panel, which will show specifically what your immune system is attacking. But why look for more trouble? If I can get my pH levels up and more oxygen while I sleep, since I don’t get colds or flu, I’ll walk this path for now… while dreaming of walking physically on paths in nature that I yearn for.

If only I could go back in time to when I was 38 years old and my body couldn’t handle any more of the stressful life I was living. It complained by spreading the sensation of pain to every part of my ‘physical’ body, while my ‘emotional’ body clung to the pain for its perceived protection. I was on fight or flight survival mode, running from unhappiness vs. a tiger.

According to everything I’ve been listening to about EFT (and treatments for pain) the pain was keeping me SAFE. The trouble is, it was keeping me SAFE inside the tiger’s mouth, and I felt the tiger’s sharp teeth all over my body.

The diagnosis was Fibromyalgia, and the pain management doc I went to (thank you for taking care of me) began to prescribe heavy-duty drugs to dull the pain. I had been stuffing/packing tight the emotions of trauma deep in the crevices of my body and it cooperated by holding on to everything I took in. Thank you, body, for keeping me SAFE.

In between all the research, reading, and studying in the areas of Mind-Body-Spirit medicine, I came across information on Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I wondered… could I have this?

I read somewhere that when you don’t get enough oxygen while you sleep, you can wake up tired and ache all over. Sounds like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, doesn’t it? I thought so.

“Sleep Apnea in Patients With Fibromyalgia: A Growing Concern. Patients with fibromyalgia have a tenfold increase in sleep-disordered breathing, including obstructive sleep apnea.”

Besides CBT, I wonder what would have happened if I had been given a CPAP instead of drugs. I have early memories of waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air… before I began to take all the sedating medications.

I also have memories of being unable to move my body while thinking I was awake. It was terrifying. My crazy, immature imagination thought I was being held down by some evil force. Have you ever experienced this really scary scenario? Scary because you had no clue what was happening? Add this to the other PTSD experiences you cope with. The light in the scary closet came on when I discovered something called sleep paralysis. However, my subconscious was still storing the fear.

“Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person either during falling asleep (Hypnagogia) or awakening (Hypnopompia), temporarily experiences an inability to move, speak, or react. It is a transitional state between wakefulness and sleep, characterized by muscle atonia (muscle weakness).”

So, was it sleep apnea this whole time? In addition to a fight or flight switch that never turned off? Your body can’t heal while in this fight or flight state.

I really had to do a LOT of work on myself and track all the positive things which came my way before realizing I was no longer in danger — that I was safe. That I have guardian angels and a God who watches over me. It took writing “Miracles Sandwiched Between the Challenges,” before I began to allow fear of life to subside, in addition to experiencing Theta Healing.

On Mar 29, I got a CPAP. I feel like an astronaut — or maybe a scuba diver. The original mask I got wasn’t right for me and I had to wait a week and a half for some new ones to come in. Even with this new one, I am not liking how tight the straps have to be to keep the mask snug against my face when the pressure of air goes up. I hope there is a solution. My machine includes a humidifier which eases my chronically blocked sinuses.

This past week, along came Pain Treatments That Work and The Truth About Vaccines. Awesome information about the Mind-Body connection to halting the pain cycle. Shocking information about what is in vaccines – as well as the fact they are not tested in clinical trials the way the drugs are. They have higher than the safe amounts of aluminum to trigger inflammation, thimerosal (mercury), foreign DNA from other species, and glyphosate (Roundup). In present time, the CDC mandates children receive 46 vaccines by the time they are six years old, 26 by the time they are two. They are poisoning our children! At this rate, we won’t need an atom bomb to wipe out most of the population. They are using VACCINES!

Sweet dreams!

Courage

"Courage is a muscle that can be flexed and developed over time. Every successful person had to overcome their critical voice over little things before they moved onto bigger and bigger things. Building this muscle starts with having the courage to address your critical voice, on anything big or little. Listen to what it has to say, and then overcome it!" (The Tapping Solution.)

Indeed, I've gained a lot more courage in the last year than I had in years past. As I learn new skills and further my education, the value I feel in what I can contribute to society seems to outweigh the uselessness I used to feel because my body hurt too much to do anything.

I envision a time in my future where I manage and pay other people to do the tasks I want to see accomplished while I focus on taking care of my body.

There's a bridge I have to cross, and I don't know how this will happen. But I KNOW there IS a bridge and where there's a bridge, there must be a way!

Where I fluctuate the most is with Fibromyalgia and Tendonitis. No one seems to know what causes it, and the drugs being prescribed to manage it have nasty side effects. (I used to take them.)

My father said he had 'Rheumatism.'

When I lived in Bakersfield, California (12 years ago) I had a Pain Management doctor who wouldn't prescribe drugs. He prescribed a TENS unit and Liderderm patches. Medicare paid for these patches--30 in a box--almost $400 a box. Then about two years ago, they notified me they could only be prescribed for shingles, not for back pain.

While many life saving drugs are skyrocketing in price, yesterday I heard good news. I told someone that I used Salonpas patches on my arm and shoulder for pain, and she proceeded to tell me Salonpas has Liderderm patches--over the counter--$10 a box.

For real? She gave me one of the patches in the package and I took it home to compare it to the few I still have left. Prescription--5% Liderderm. Salonpas 4%. Nice!

Back to courage. I am 'courageously' stepping forward in life without all the pharmaceutical drugs I used to take to cope with the condition. All I have to do is STOP, REST, and MEDITATE--and in meditation, have conversations with my body--which I often resist. Easier to recommend it to others than it is to practice it.

The Universe has provided me with the means to get Chinese Medicinal Tea, weekly classes about Essential Oils, & Theta Healing and although the relief isn't instant, I know my body needs time to regenerate.

The tea is supposed to be helping with pain, but it isn't. However, the formula also balances hormones which I know I need as well.

I purchased an Ultrasonic diffuser from Amazon to diffuse my new doTERRA oils with, and I love it! (Especially after I cook a huge piece of Wild Caught Salmon and the apartment reeks of fish.)

It also takes a lot of courage to continue exercising through the discomfort. I trudge on.

The key to my 'survival' is to keep reminding myself and redirecting my thoughts to TODAY vs. allow them to run amuck with the fears of what the future will be like with this condition. After all, in all the years I've been dealing with it, it hasn't gotten any worse.

The same old pain in the same old places fluctuates between achy and OUCH! At least I haven't gotten 'sick.'

If Elon Musk can put rockets on Mars, and there are cures for Cancer that don't include chemo and radiation, and I saw a video of an artificial disk being implanted between two vertebrae similar to how they put in artificial hips, shoulders, & knees, which don't include screws in your fragile vertibrae, I have faith that relief from FMS, etc. is just around the corner as well!

One of my current thought patterns is... if today was my last day on Earth (and I'm going to Mars vs. dying although I'm not afraid of dying)... will what I'm doing matter?

One by one, I am leaving behind what my intuition says won't. Are you?

Navigating the Universe of my Body

Indeed, just like planets and stars make up a universe of galaxies, I’ve learned the human body is an amazing universe as well—more like a collection of universes. After all, everything is energy! Even emotions! (Energy in Motion.) When energy is dense, objects appear solid. I thought rocks were solid inanimate objects, but they are energy beings, too! Same with our bodies. I even wrote a little imaginary tale about this in my eBook, The Adventures of Gnat.

Since this blog, in addition to being a letter for friends, family, and readers is also an online journal, I am writing about what's new with my explorations of the human body. In a previous post, I wrote about my obsessions. This one is on health.

1) I read Vianna Stibel's book titled: Theta Healing and in June participated in the Basic Theta Healing class from a certified Theta Instructor. Vianna had discovered that regardless of what your doctor or metaphysical healer does for you, if there are any subconscious beliefs blocking or resisting the healing, a healing session won't be successful. There are numerous ‘digging’ exercises to work through to identify negative core beliefs. I am amazed how just becoming AWARE of what they are can begin a shift in consciousness. Vianna has listed in her books just about every belief to mankind that exists and it is nice to know we are all really more connected that we think. The next step is to begin clearing these negative beliefs and replacing them with positive ones which are done by receiving ‘downloads’ of the positive beliefs and feelings that you don’t already have. You cannot experience love, for instance, if you don’t know what it FEELS like. You can say affirmations all day every day like “I am loved, I feel loved, I have abundance, I can speak my truth, I deserve to exist, I am supported by God,” but if you don’t know what these FEEL like, it won’t happen. I don’t think it was coincidence that after I received these ‘downloads,’ I began to receive abundance in unexpected ways and new situations began to show up in my life to support these new downloaded beliefs.

2) I am now reading the sequel titled: Advanced Theta Healing. There is a lot more information about the belief work as well as information about the seven planes of existence. I often read multiple books at one time, so I am also reading Teal Scott’s (her married name at the time it was published): The Sculptor in the Sky. Words I read tend to flow through me and I’m sure I’ll have to read these books multiple times before I can assimilate the information. In May, I read I AM: A Journey to Enlightenment by Stephen Shaw which I will definitely read multiple times!

3) At an introduction to Tibetan Pulsation taught by the same instructor, I learned how the organs of our bodies resonate to sound—and there is a complex process of combining ‘trigger’ words to specific sounds for each organ. In addition to the complexity of this modality, just like in astrology, there are certain times of the year when specific organs are ‘activated’ so it is suggested you work on the sounds/trigger words for the organ of ‘resonance’ at those specific times. I am amazed at how many different ways a person can pursue healing!

4) At the end of May, I had a ‘check-up’ with my doctor and the usual blood tests. My Triglycerides were still too high. I showed my doctor that a side effect of Mirtazapine—of which I was taking 45 mg. of—was elevated Triglycerides so I wanted to wean off of the drug. I gradually decreased the dose over the month and by the end of June was completely off of it… probably a bit too quickly for this type of drug. I didn’t fare too well. The high dose of 45 mg. kept nerve and muscle pain at bay so for the entire month of July I dealt with a severe headache (felt like the top of my head would explode—and that my brain was swollen), a stomach ache, and some nausea in addition to muscular skeletal contractions. If that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t focus and had symptoms of major ADD and ADHD. My Theta Healer person suggested I get back on this medication even though she doesn’t usually recommend pharmaceutical drugs. There must be something about the month of July—when growing spurts have been occuring.

5) That same week, I went to the local Acupuncturist/Chinese Medicine lady hoping she would have a different solution. I filled out about 15 pages of intake forms. During the one-hour consultation with her, I was absolutely amazed when she presented me with a single sheet of paper and explained how all my symptoms indicated an imbalance of Yin and Yang—quite simply, my Yin was diminished and my Yang was too over-powering—and something about my body having too much heat and many of my symptoms are its way of trying to cool down. And even though she didn’t support the use of pharmaceutical drugs, she also suggested I get back on Mirtazapine. I returned to the doctor and got 15 mg. to start back up on. Better to start at the lowest dose and work your way up. With just 15 mg. the headache, stomachache, nausea, ADD, & ADHD disappeared by the following morning so I never increased the dose. However, I still had the muscular skeletal stuff to deal with. I really like waking up at first light vs. before needing to sleep until 10 when I was taking 45 mg.

6) Magic Potion Chinese Tea: I didn’t feel any different after the first batch of ‘tea’ I received so the formula was changed. Wow! An hour after the first dose, I felt pleasantly numb (absence of pain.) As long as I kept drinking the stuff all day long, I was able to plug along at all the tasks I wanted to do. I’m sure it helped that I was drinking more fluids in general. I returned in a week for another week’s supply and reported the results. She said, “Chinese Medicine ROCKS!” Last week’s potion didn’t seem as strong and I hope the next batch is! I laugh at the thought that while some people are getting ‘high’ on ‘weed’, I am getting ‘high’ on ‘tea.’ I sincerely hope the FDA doesn’t decide to eliminate Chinese Medicine!

7) Hormones? I read about the consequences of having too much Estrogen and not enough Progesterone—or an imbalance of hormones in general. I suspected I was dealing with post hysterectomy/oophorectomy hormone imbalances so I asked my Chinese Medicine lady if any of the herbs that were in the tea were for balancing hormones. She replied, “All of them!”

8) Both the owner of Curves and my Chinese Medicine lady are advocates for doTerra essential oils. I went to several two-hour ‘classes’ on everything these oils can do. Someday I will spring for more of the oils and especially, the diffuser! I have some of the basics—Lavender, Wild Orange, Lemon, Peppermint, as well as OnGuard (which took care of a gum infection when I rinsed with it) and my all-time favorite: Motivate! All kinds of Mood formulas were passed around for us to sniff. When I sniffed Motivate, I was in heaven! Let’s all get high on oil! (Side-note: just like in politics, there is an ongoing debate between doTERRA people and Young Living people. Either way, there seems to be an epidemic of essential oils. I hope the supply can keep up with demand!)

9) My poor sore feet. I've had feet challenges for as long as I can remember. They pronate in and pull on my knees. There are very few shoes my feet want to wear. I've spent mucho bucks on all kinds of insoles in addition to comfort shoes. And then... I found Massaging Gel Insoles by AirFeet!!! They are not what you can get over the counter (this year, anyway) and are about $45, but I was desperate. They are everything they were promised to be. My one pair easily goes in and out of whichever shoes I want to wear that day. They don’t get stinky, either. I bought mine directly from AirFeet but you can see the description on Amazon HERE.

10) I can't forget my awesome orthopedic gel cushion which keeps my butt and the back of my thighs from getting numb and tingly so I can enjoy sitting longer. I take it with me to practically everywhere! You can see the product description on Amazon HERE.

11) Making friends with my intuition: in Theta Healing, you use muscle testing to check for which beliefs are lingering in your subconscious. There are several ways to muscle test, but I decided to try the one when you stand and allow your body to fall forward or backwards depending on if the answer is yes or no. (Not all the way forward or back—you catch yourself before you’ve gone too far.) I have been challenged with decision making and don’t really have another person to bounce things off of so when I began to get definite yes and no’s for just about everything from what to wear to what to eat to where to go (or not), I discovered I get answers—from my own body! It became a fun game and I even use this method to avoid foods I shouldn’t eat. I am more likely to put aside something that isn’t healthy for me when my body muscle tests NO to it. I may have lost my mind, but each time I hold something or look at something and ask yes or no, I fall forward or backwards. I feel like I have an invisible best friend now!

12) Psychological: Toastmasters continues to provide a nurturing growing experience for me as I pursue the education it offers in leadership and communication. Other ingredients it adds to my life are: inclusion, acceptance, encouragement, feeling valued, being told my smile is genuine and contagious, as well as team-building and relationship skills. I am getting used to continuous spurts of growth as well as learning curves so they aren’t as stressful as they started out to be. Because two of the other organizations I volunteer as Executive Secretary don’t have any structure in place, I have been doing almost everything myself—making sure everything that needs to be done gets done. When I first began doing the same thing in my Toastmasters group, (out of habit), our President invited me to a private ‘meeting.’ I was getting used to ‘Evaluations’ where you are told both your strengths and what you can approve on so I didn’t worry too much. What an amazing, intuitive lady! As she learned more about my background, she informed me that in Toastmasters, I could TRUST the others to pull their own weight. I could relax and stay in my own lane without worrying about anything not getting done. I could even trust I wouldn’t be ABANDONED! How did she know I had past abandonment issues? Plus, she advised me to make sure I take care of my ‘baby’ which is my passion for writing.

I hope you got something out of this article in the way of some alternative ways to pursue your own health and well-being... a journey well worth taking. Do you have a question you'd like to ask me? Or a comment you would like to make? Post a comment if the comment box is there or click on 'comments' to type one in! Thanks! 

Satisfaction

I think the last time I was this happy and busy was in 1991. I had accumulated about six part-time jobs... most of which I picked up to take home (bookkeeping/payroll/taxes). I lived near a community college and took classes whenever I could--one of which was mountain climbing/camping. My son was about seven years old and we lived in a nice upstairs apartment in a nice community. I went to a church now known as "Center for Spiritual Living" which focused on positive affirmations for every situation in life. With the mountain climbing class, we went up the Palm Springs Tram for a weekend hike. Then afterward, I took my son to Big Bear solo. But the first weekend I went, one of his camp counselors happened to be there. The second weekend, we met another family from the same city we lived in. I think that year was one of the happiest in my life.

And so this last year has been filled with awesome things. Physically--Emotionally--Spiritually--Psychologically, I continued to get stronger and have more energy.

My chiropractor recommended I exercise on an elliptical machine which doesn't put stress on the joints. At the spur of the moment, I went on craigslist and located one for $50!

With the help of the right dose of Remeron, I've been able to sleep every night and I no longer feel the unmotivated gloom of depression, detachment, and isolation which was secondary to Fibromyalgia and Arthritis.

With the help of my chiropractor, Mobic, and, Gabapentin, pain and stiffness is rarely distracting me so I've been able to do more and enjoy more and meet more people which spills over into having more satisfying activities to fill up my life.... which includes: 

• volunteering at the Chamber of Commerce, and getting involved in the events that they sponsor (and networking--connecting people to other people), 
• playing guitar with an acoustic jam group (I was finally able to get a lightweight smaller guitar--Cordoba Protege--which makes going places with my guitar a lot easier), 
• knitting with the ladies at the Senior Center,
• doing a little secretarial work for two local political organizations,
• connecting with my cousins (and new friends) on facebook,
• morning coffee socials at my apartment complex (plus once a month potluck and once a month birthday party/bingo).
• Plus, many life coaches have been providing free videos/audios which I've been listening to while I knit or play Mahjong.

I have met some wonderful women who are now my new friends... and hope to get back into Reiki and create a Reiki Share group. Reiki helped a lot of people I knew while I lived in California and some of the people I've met here are going through serious health challenges. The first step in doing this is having a Reiki Table (aka massage table) which I found on craigslist for $50 (within 24 hours of finding the Elliptical).

And as I wrote at the end of my book "Love, Life, and God," all these fulfilling activities enable me to "Get Past the Pain." I feel a sense of self-confidence and satisfaction that was missing for a lot of years. I feel a sense of purpose again. It's been a long journey! Life feels magical again.

CLICK ON THE BOOK COVERS TO VIEW BOOK DESCRIPTIONS & ORDER A COPY!

Dealing With A Flare-Up

I had a fairly productive summer. But when October rolled around, suddenly my fingers and knees got stiff and began to throb. No matter what I took: ibuprofen, aspirin, Tylenol, Norco, and combinations of them, I got no relief. I kept smearing topical ointments on, but the relief was brief. I know I built up a tolerance to all the medications I have and as the weather gets colder, and my body started to hurt more, I started to lose my ability to cope. In one of the many email newsletters I get, there was the ugly word: Hyperalgesia – when you build up a tolerance to Opioids and the probability that they end up making pain worse vs better. I tried to get in to see my PCP sooner, but she’s a popular doctor & is booked for weeks in advance.

I pulled out my knee braces. I pulled out my cane. I wondered how I was going to handle getting supplies I needed or doing my laundry. Meanwhile I went through all my books and printouts and magazine articles searching for a solution. And I was back to what I thought I had overcome: with my entire day being about finding ways to get relief. The only time I got a break from hurting was when I listened to a meditation tape or climbed into a very warm bath. While I was in the water, I was able to completely relax and disconnect from pain.

My doctor appointment was coming up (with my PCP)… and I found the “Partners Against Pain” website. They suggested planning ahead for doctor visits, gathering background materials, and establishing goals for your office visit. Since I did a lot of this anyway, it was reassuring to know this was a good thing for me to do. I worked on this ‘project’ for almost a month—organizing all my thoughts—and typing up a detailed report to hand to my doctor.

At the appointment, I told my doctor that my general weekly activities had included volunteering at the Chamber of Commerce a few half days a week, going for a 20-25 minute walk almost every day, doing some simple exercises on a therapy ball I have at home (plus a few planks and squats against a door), doing some traction at home, and spending time on the internet using facebook and reading email newsletters, reading books, and writing. I added that my huge accomplishment was getting another book finished. SO, I began to feel empowered vs. helpless/hopeless and was doing better, and have been a bit more active than in previous years (haven’t used a wheelchair or motorized cart that are in the stores in a LONG time). I wasn’t prepared for the change of season triggering a major flare-up and dragging me back down again—especially with the onset of hip, leg, thigh and knee pain. If I don’t have my legs, I can’t go for the walks. And there is no heated pool nearby to exercise in. I may also be experiencing some PTSD.

I added that I’ve been able to see Dr. Cully (chiropractor) twice a month for the last year (covered by Medicare with a small co-pay). Yay! I’ve made progress with the regular therapies he offers as far as arthritis in my spine, but there isn’t a whole lot he can do to alleviate the fibromyalgia symptoms. Dr. Cully helped me a LOT with my lower back and neck, but, as with the rib, I am still struggling with the C5-C6/T1-T4 area. He got me an over-the-door traction device to use at home for my neck awhile back (which I regret to not using regularly), but I do get some relief while I’m in it. I have two visits left this year (for chiropractic) that Medicare will pay for. I don’t know how many I will have in 2014. He recently got a heated water-jet massage bed which I get to use for 10 minutes prior to him working on me. When I get an extra $20, I will be able to use it for 30 minutes in the evenings. He also got a decompression table. He hoped this device would be beneficial to my Degenerative Disk Disease situation and Spondylolisthesis. Last month he did decompression on me for the first time and I got “rebound spasms”. I couldn’t even stand up when I was released and I found out what 10 is on the pain scale. As much as my body hurts, I am grateful I am not like THIS every day!

Back at home, I had found in a Self magazine, an article on Pain-Depression: so I researched the Mirtazapine I am on to see if it targets both serotonin and norepinephrine. The answer was yes and it seemed I wasn’t on a high enough dose. I also found an article on Benzodiazepines and FMS so I began to use more of the Ativan I had when spasms were triggered. I went through my old medical records and found a 2006 rheumatologist report to show my doctor so she agreed on getting new x-rays on my knees.

I reported on the medications I was taking regularly and asked for input on my ideas about increasing the dose of Mirtazapine and Gabapentin. She agreed. Gabapentin, by the way, has been suppressing the Herpes virus I’ve been plagued with for 37 years, and perhaps it suppresses the other viruses in my system, too.

The following Monday, I got a call from the nurse that the x-rays showed that I had ‘mild’ arthritis in my knees and I was prescribed Meloxicam (generic for Mobic) along with increased doses of Mirtazapine and Gabapentin. That night I took the first Meloxicam and the next morning I woke up without pain in my fingers and knees AND SPINE. I haven’t taken any Norco since then… and I started slowly getting back to activities I was enjoying and was able to start my exercise routine again. Oh, yes, I can play my guitar again.

I love my PCP!

Missing In Action

I've been gone for a while.... missing in action.

The hottest heatwave arrived in Texas (and most everywhere) this last July. I felt helpless the night the roof a/c of the motor home groaned to a halt at 10pm. The week before, I visited a 70-year-old lady on one of her good days, who had a very severe case of FMS. At 2am the night the a/c died, she texted me that I could come over to her house if I had trouble with my a/c. I thought maybe she was psychic. The following morning, a window a/c was propped up into the window by the dinette, and I prayed it would work sufficiently. By 11am, the temperature had climbed to 90 inside and I had to get out of there. I drove to that lady's house that day and every day for the next 2 months, returning to home base around 8:30pm. Most nights it was still 90 when I got home. I was relieved that the 2 kittens had gone back to the farm to live (couldn't sleep with their night activity in small quarters).

On the upside, I had an air-conditioned place to hang out during the day while temperatures soared over 100 degrees. On the downside, the lady was sick and in pain all but two of those days. She hibernated in her bedroom and swallowed numerous pills of every kind to deal with her afflictions. I became terrified of ending up like her by the time I was 70. On top of that, I had nothing to do while I was there except lay down on her sofa (for comfort), read, or watch her large screen TV. I got very little exercise or human interaction.

As the days went by, I sunk deeper and deeper into what I learned is 'THE BLACK HOLE.' Read any information about anxiety and depression... I had most of the symptoms. As each day went by, I dreaded returning to that house. I also began to dread going back to the motor home. Her husband (15 years younger than her and a disabled vet who hibernated in HIS room) asked if I would be interested in moving in with them. I politely declined, horrified of what my life would be like if I did.

I desperately wanted to pack what would fit in my car and return to California... stay with my older sister or my mother. Their doors are closed due to difficult transitional situations they are both dealing with. In my despair, I detached from them and grieved about not having a home to go back to.

In September, I started searching diligently for other possible living situations, browsing craigslist. The motor home was fun for a while. I had survived the winter wearing sweaters, hats, scarves & gloves to bed because my 'house' wasn't insulated. Even with electric heaters running, it was COLD. I kicked myself for trading in my paid-for van for a newer car with a 6-year commitment of payments. In this part of Texas, I could have afforded a decent apartment without them (car payments). I was isolated where I was living, gas prices were up and it was 20 miles round trip to anywhere (except her house). I checked out one nice house to see if I could rent a room, but it, too, was in an isolated area.

On craigslist, a post from a disabled woman looking to rent a room caught my eye. Didn't have a room for her... yet. I also looked down at my checkbook and declared I needed a new place to live SOON before I had to reorder checks. Within 24 hours I learned that one of the landlord's houses had been vacated and would be available for rent... the one in town next to the grocery store. I had been in it a year before and wondered at that time if I'd ever live in it.

I contacted the woman via craigslist (email) and told her about the house. When I went to look at it, I was horrified by its condition. I bolted back to the motor home in a major tizzy. Summer was not over and neither was the heatwave. The only thing going for this house was recently installed central heat/air and weatherized windows/doors. It was old. It was filthy. Supporting boards under it were broken so the floors were wavy and tiles were cracked. Inside must have had 15 coats of paint and was about to get another one. The bathroom was unfinished. The landlord told me I could live there rent-free (pay for the utilities) while I cleaned it up and painted it. ME?

I slept on the floor on a mat in the midst of 'construction' because it was air-conditioned... unless I went to that other lady's house again. I endured many anxiety attacks which continued long after he finally agreed to do most of the cleaning/painting. Linda (from craigslist) arrived a week early, before her room could be painted. She was relieved to have a place to go. While she is perfectly OK with the condition of this house (she had endured worse), I had to try really hard to focus on what was good about living here... including no lease and no security deposit which freed both Linda and I to transfer to places we were on waiting lists for. I ended up moving most of my belongings one carload at a time, making about one trip a week. I discovered that the motor home was infested with mice, who chewed up some shoes and other belongings. Once the kittens were gone, I guess they felt safe enough to move in.

In an attempt to be positive, I declared this place to be a half-way house... half way between where I was living before and where I would live next. My brother, Jon, passed away the day after Thanksgiving which gave me a real reason to grieve. Then two weeks ago, I received a call from a 55+ Active Senior Apartments I looked into last July which I heard about from a lady who arranged day trips for seniors. I was told a new complex was being completed and they wanted to know if I'd be interested in applying for it. I drove out there with a friend to see it, and filled out the application... I'd have to start all over again in a new city but I finally feel like I have something to hope for again.... I'm on the waiting list...

Meanwhile, if I have anything going for me, it is a streak of stubbornness. If I couldn't get counseling, I would have to study up and learn how to get myself out of the rut of depression I fell into. I am also learning that certain people are prone to depression (like me) and I have to learn to spot the warning signs.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is supposed to help people deal with Arthritis and other chronic afflictions, which are often complicated by depression (feeling powerless), but I don't have the kind of insurance that pays for it. I managed to get to the library and started reading up on depression, depression self-help, psychology, Yoga, etc. Although one of the many counselors I sought out only took cash patients, he loaned me a couple of books I could read. I started back on Premarin (estrogen) which stopped the never-ending waves of hot flashes that plagued me all night long as well as the day time. I also started up on 1/2 of the smallest available dose of an antidepressant called Remeron (its generic). I've been on it a week with no side effects.... and maybe it's working.

I've been reading 'Yoga and the Quest for the True Self' by Stephen Cope most of today. Interestingly, COPE is what this book is helping me to do.

Today, in the midst of thunderstorms (literally), muscle contractions and pain (I tried to go without the TENS for most of the day), I felt a sense of hope again. So I climbed into this blog, which I haven't touched since June and created this post. I've already moved 42 times ... maybe I'll start packing now for the next one.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow.

FINDING HAPPINESS

Today, I Googled 'finding happiness while in chronic pain.' I can't believe I actually got the following blog by Sue Falkner-Wood. I would like to know more about how she manages to stay positive.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/blog/life-with-chronic-pain/dilapidated-me-and-learning-to-rejoice/

She even wrote up an amusing account about whining, which helped me put some things into perspective and gave me a little smile.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/blog/life-with-chronic-pain/sues-official-rules-for-whining/

Maybe I can learn to stop whining. What shall my new vocabulary be? In her blog, someone posted a reference to another blog on Fibromyalgia:

http://portraitsfibro.blogspot.com/

I know I said I would stop reading about the afflictions, but for the last few days, the muscle cramps all over my body have been really intense, and I wanted a dose of encouragement. I also gave up my resolve not to use any medication and started taking the muscle relaxer, Flexeril, again. The SSRI's made me really sick... so far with the Flexeril (along with the TENS), I've gotten a bit of relief. I got to sleep through the night for the 1st time since ??? Since Flexeril supposedly has a similar effect as a tricyclic antidepressant, my mood feels more tolerable to me. The downside is that I do feel a few unpleasant side effects and would prefer not to depend on meds.

Message of Hope

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolate. 

I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too. My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof.'

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnosis, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking. 

The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with belladonna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.

I need more than prayer. I need more than a church. I need a complete lifestyle adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating?

My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate, and my body will no longer tolerate medication.

I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of freshly juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.  

Broken People

I recently heard on the radio (K-LOVE) and read on a website that God uses broken people to administer to others.

I first became aware that God had bigger plans for me in 1995 when Santa Claus (or an angel) came to me in a dream and told me I had everything I would ever need in life the night I found out my 1st husband had changed the lock on our storage space and I couldn’t get in to get my son’s & my things after we had split up. I rebuilt my life again and we did eventually get our things back.

In 2008, I experienced another mystical experience one morning just before a car accident. I saw 2 “etheric” beings when I was leaving Walmart. (They were not solid like human beings. I had seen these same 2 guides (angels?) years before in a spiritual class to learn how to stop being empathic so I recognized them. On my way home, I took my eyes off the winding road to catch the tote bag on the passenger seat that spilled over. My truck ended up in the ditch. A block of time disappeared between grabbing the bag and ending up in the ditch. One moment I was in a state of despair, the next I felt like God had just told me everything in my life will be OK. I believe those beings wrapped themselves around me to keep me from getting hurt as I did not have a single bruise or scratch and a block of memory was gone. Maybe they even took me out of the truck. I have accute memories of every second in other auto accidents, but not this one. All I felt was a gentle tap as my left shoulder touched the window then every loose item inside came flying at me. The truck was totaled. This was significant because I had been tripping and slipping a lot on the farm where I was living at the time and each time I was injured.

Last July (2010), I heard a voice in my head tell me to go to a Laundromat when I didn’t have to do my own laundry. I met a woman who turned out to be a counselor. After talking to her, I took a leap of faith and stopped taking 11 medications cold turkey. On the 7th day, the withdrawal process was complete. I felt like the Holy Spirit got in, cured me of all my afflictions, and filled me up with a purpose.

Two months later the afflictions came back, along with the side affects of being on anti-depressants, Klonopin, muscle relaxers and pain meds for 15 years. (See blog entry of March 15, 2011)

I have realized that I have survived everything that I was afflicted with. Once again, God has picked me up, brushed me off, and sent me out into the world again, forcing me to grow and evolve. This time, life involves other people.

Some days I have to curl up and stay in bed. Some days I am dormant. Then there are days when I feel adrenaline rushes and feel compelled to go to a specific store or other location at a specific time where all the people I need to talk "just happened" to decide to go at the same time. Or the perfect website will mysteriously appear on my computer screen.

Life is a journey, not a destination. I want to talk to people who have lived long journeys to know what it’s been like for them. I want to stop isolating myself.

Perhaps broken people fall, split into hundreds of pieces so that God can re-assemble them into a new jigsaw puzzle of His creation. After all, God is the creator that brought us into existence to begin with. What does God want to create through me?

For many years I felt helpless and alone. No one seemed to understand me or what I was going through. I searched endlessly for meaning in every aspect of my life, while others were just living and doing. Perhaps I have always been clinically depressed most of the time. More recently, I’ve felt like I am on a non-stop rollercoaster on “Groundhog Day”.

I desire to learn how to find peace in the simple things in life. I don’t like living alone but I need to be alone. When illness and muscle pain flare up, I start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I know better than to try to figure things out or make changes when I am completely exhausted, and I am trying to break this pattern.

I’ve already moved 41 times since leaving home, so my first reaction is that I need to move again. My tendency is to run away (move) every time my life feels stressful or uncomfortable. Then I feel overwhelmed by the thought of moving. Recently I talked to 3 other women who also have FMS & CFS who have done the same thing. They couldn’t deal with any stress so they up and moved (out of relationships, marriages, misc. living situations, etc.). It’s not just me.

I thought owning a motor home would be a good solution… that when I needed to move, I could move my house. This motor home turned out not to be the solution I thought it would be. It is 27 years old and it would require repairs and much work (along with gas) to get it mobile, not to mention all the packing I would still have to do because I am attached to my nic nacs, books, & projects.

Once again, I must let go and let GOD. I must return to BELIEVING the way I believed 15 years ago when I wrote 'Appearances.'

Off to the Races

After I stopped taking antidepressants, Klonopin, muscle relaxers, & Hydrocodone cold-turkey (after 15 years), my mind and body went into hyper mode which included two months of euphoria. When the ephoria subsided, my mind started collecting every negative thought I ever thought and sending me crashing into anxiety attacks and tears. If I had indeed “fractured” from all life’s traumas, each of these “personalities” started to fight with each other… and I definitely thought I would lose my mind. However, maybe it would have been a blessing if my mind did get lost for a while.

The opportunity presented itself for a lot of healing. For months, trauma after trauma surfaced… some in gentle waves and some like cyclones. One of my sisters began her training as a Life Coach and I let her use my situation to do her homework assignments. I also participated in a weekly discussion group on the topic of life cycles. Another ingredient was reading a lot of books written by other people who had gone through similar progression from dysfunction to fully functioning people. I found motivational speakers on Facebook, and I am re-learning to express myself with a new vocabulary.

I believe I completed years worth of work in merely six months, but life is a journey, not a destination and, apparently, I am on a very complex one.

I came up with a way to deal with the racing mind thing. I divided my life into several college type classes such as Psychology, Philosophy, Religion, Natural Medicine, Outdoor Living (you get the idea). I trained myself to focus on one “class” at a time. It is not a good idea to be everywhere else but your car when you are driving.

Today is a new day and I live one day at a time. I got through yesterday, I can get through today. No matter how bad it seems, it’s temporary.

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life..."

It's been five months since I've stopped taking meds. I thought I was cured. When you take SSRI's & other meds for 15 years, they can have the same affects on you as doing hard drugs. I started falling apart. This is my story in prose
In July 2010, I cried out to GOD "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"

No more pain! No more medication! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

I heard a voice in my head say go to the WELLS Laundramat.

This was not one of the hundreds of voices I hear in my head.

I went. Rafi was there and spoke to my heart so I did what she said.

She saw straight through my soul, said I was asleep, it was time to “WAKE UP”.

I wondered what she meant but I had reached the end of my rope and had enough!

I went to her house and she prepared me for what would come

She loaned me “Nine Faces of Christ” to read alone in my room til the process was done.

I read about a fictional Christ who endured endless trials of all kinds.

He kept me company while I endured the withdrawal and thought I would lose my mind.

All those trials prepared him for the Crucifixion and the final rush…

On the seventh day, I felt crucified and got zapped by GOD with a gush.

My brain chemistry shifted. Suddenly, I felt free.

Free of pain, free of anguish; I was energetic, strong and could clearly see.

The earth became my stomping ground after years of staying in bed.

I went out to discover all the people and hear what they said.

I pulled “Appearances” and my poetry out of their boxes,

New books started writing themselves while I detoxes.

I met musicians who played along with songs I’d been writing

And more angels appeared to show me how to make my life exciting.

But God wasn’t finished with me… two months later it all left.

All the sabotaging voices returned to mess up my head.

In “Questions” I had written “I am a seeker, a seeker of truth”

I searched endlessly for every piece of good news.

I began to struggle with money, and every trauma and fear returned.

I got amnesia, I crashed, and couldn’t remember anything I’d learned.

Religious confusion from many sources swarmed in my mind

I searched in all the wrong places (again) for peace I could not find.

I kept meeting more people who each said something I needed to hear

Seemed like post office parking lots were a favorite place for them to appear.

I met doctors of Natural Medicine who suggested alternatives to drugs,

Found out about vitamin deficiencies and started working out the bugs.

I met people who studied biology, psychology, philosophy, and believed in the Lord.

My racing mind tried to process every piece of information - I wasn’t bored.

One person said to reread “Appearances” the book I wrote when I was forty years old…

That the answers were in what I had already written... in the story I already told.

I went to talk to that person again another day searching for more.

He said “you still have a VOID” and I mentally fell through the floor.

I studied "Appearances" and reread all my poems.

I had detached from my soul which is why I had no memory of what I was shown.

I was trying hard to control my own life,

I had gone back to the old patterns of creating my own strife.

I called my soul back and within days of realizing this simple cure

More "angels?" began arriving to usher me through a new door.

A little unexpected money began to appear…

And a Jewish man called upon his Rabbi to declare my worth in a prayer.

It was the second time I was told to read about trusting God in Matthew 6:25-34

I used to know this all so many years ago and more!

Next a woman who majored in Psychology thought I had fractured from all life’s traumas--

If so, no wonder I was experiencing so many drama’s!

Include the traumas I had empathetically collected from my family and peers.

No wonder I was feeling so totally weird!

The next day a Christian woman told me I had taken on the burdens of all the ones I loved…

But Jesus died on the cross for us and it wasn’t my job!

She then said while I had been working frantically to pull all the weeds of despair

I left all the roots to grow back while I cried life wasn’t fair!

She suggested I read: Matthew 6:25-34
and put all my trust in the Lord!

I wish to encapsulate these solutions in a pill I can take

with all the other vitamins I’ve been given to swallow each day.

Breathing

I am choosing, for now, to live without medication. I have come a very long way in recovering from being sedated for (15?) years, and now I have trouble going to sleep due to pain, discomfort, and a racing mind (no more drugs to sedate me). If I do succeed in falling asleep, my bladder wakes me up and once up, my mind goes off to the races again (a symptom of withdrawal from anti-depressants).

One night recently, I thought about Genesis and how we were created from dust. I thought about what it would have been like for God to breathe life into me and felt my lungs fill with air. Each time I exhaled I released tension in my body. I felt really peaceful doing this and slipped right into sleep. Then I took it a step further. I inhaled the strength of God and exhaled weakness, inhaled the unlimited power of God and exhaled helplessness, and I inhaled health and exhaled illness. If my mind is going to be filled with thoughts, better it be these. I eventually fell asleep.