Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Broken People

I recently heard on the radio (K-LOVE) and read on a website that God uses broken people to administer to others.

I first became aware that God had bigger plans for me in 1995 when Santa Claus (or an angel) came to me in a dream and told me I had everything I would ever need in life the night I found out my 1st husband had changed the lock on our storage space and I couldn’t get in to get my son’s & my things after we had split up. I rebuilt my life again and we did eventually get our things back.

In 2008, I experienced another mystical experience one morning just before a car accident. I saw 2 “etheric” beings when I was leaving Walmart. (They were not solid like human beings. I had seen these same 2 guides (angels?) years before in a spiritual class to learn how to stop being empathic so I recognized them. On my way home, I took my eyes off the winding road to catch the tote bag on the passenger seat that spilled over. My truck ended up in the ditch. A block of time disappeared between grabbing the bag and ending up in the ditch. One moment I was in a state of despair, the next I felt like God had just told me everything in my life will be OK. I believe those beings wrapped themselves around me to keep me from getting hurt as I did not have a single bruise or scratch and a block of memory was gone. Maybe they even took me out of the truck. I have accute memories of every second in other auto accidents, but not this one. All I felt was a gentle tap as my left shoulder touched the window then every loose item inside came flying at me. The truck was totaled. This was significant because I had been tripping and slipping a lot on the farm where I was living at the time and each time I was injured.

Last July (2010), I heard a voice in my head tell me to go to a Laundromat when I didn’t have to do my own laundry. I met a woman who turned out to be a counselor. After talking to her, I took a leap of faith and stopped taking 11 medications cold turkey. On the 7th day, the withdrawal process was complete. I felt like the Holy Spirit got in, cured me of all my afflictions, and filled me up with a purpose.

Two months later the afflictions came back, along with the side affects of being on anti-depressants, Klonopin, muscle relaxers and pain meds for 15 years. (See blog entry of March 15, 2011)

I have realized that I have survived everything that I was afflicted with. Once again, God has picked me up, brushed me off, and sent me out into the world again, forcing me to grow and evolve. This time, life involves other people.

Some days I have to curl up and stay in bed. Some days I am dormant. Then there are days when I feel adrenaline rushes and feel compelled to go to a specific store or other location at a specific time where all the people I need to talk "just happened" to decide to go at the same time. Or the perfect website will mysteriously appear on my computer screen.

Life is a journey, not a destination. I want to talk to people who have lived long journeys to know what it’s been like for them. I want to stop isolating myself.

Perhaps broken people fall, split into hundreds of pieces so that God can re-assemble them into a new jigsaw puzzle of His creation. After all, God is the creator that brought us into existence to begin with. What does God want to create through me?

For many years I felt helpless and alone. No one seemed to understand me or what I was going through. I searched endlessly for meaning in every aspect of my life, while others were just living and doing. Perhaps I have always been clinically depressed most of the time. More recently, I’ve felt like I am on a non-stop rollercoaster on “Groundhog Day”.

I desire to learn how to find peace in the simple things in life. I don’t like living alone but I need to be alone. When illness and muscle pain flare up, I start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I know better than to try to figure things out or make changes when I am completely exhausted, and I am trying to break this pattern.

I’ve already moved 41 times since leaving home, so my first reaction is that I need to move again. My tendency is to run away (move) every time my life feels stressful or uncomfortable. Then I feel overwhelmed by the thought of moving. Recently I talked to 3 other women who also have FMS & CFS who have done the same thing. They couldn’t deal with any stress so they up and moved (out of relationships, marriages, misc. living situations, etc.). It’s not just me.

I thought owning a motor home would be a good solution… that when I needed to move, I could move my house. This motor home turned out not to be the solution I thought it would be. It is 27 years old and it would require repairs and much work (along with gas) to get it mobile, not to mention all the packing I would still have to do because I am attached to my nic nacs, books, & projects.

Once again, I must let go and let GOD. I must return to BELIEVING the way I believed 15 years ago when I wrote 'Appearances.'

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