Project Recovery

Is it possible to recover? 

Unlike many people I know who have successfully been getting therapy of some kind, I've been seeking solutions on my own since 2010. Even though I was seeing words such as codependency and addiction, they weren't really sinking in. Even though I was reading a lot of books relating to mental health, I didn't feel like I was 'recovering'... until I began to find online support groups with the word recovery in them. The word recovery gives me a sense of hope where before I kept slipping back into feeling depressed, isolated, lost, and hopeless.

About two years ago, I found the first group, Spirituality in Recovery through Mile Hi Church in Colorado. My addictions include past use of pharmaceutical drugs, sugar, chocolate, work,  relationships, chaos, and ruminating on losing my ability to walk. This group meets every Wednesday night on Zoom. Each week, we have a different topic. I like the structure of topics. When I first started, I felt detached. Some weeks, I just sat back and listened. Most of the people in the group were recovering alcoholics... which I am not. I'm sure if I could tolerate alcohol, I would be. As time went on, I found I had more to share. I also participated in the Trauma Support Group for Women on the first Wednesday but then decided to focus on the previous group. Scroll down to Support Groups on https://www.milehichurch.org/prayer/

The Covid shutdown pulled the rug out from under me and a lot of other people. Some people 'recovered' quickly. Other people like me didn't; however, I was already used to being isolated... to a certain extent. Many organizations began using Zoom instead of meeting in person. I mentioned my challenges to the facilitator in the first group who suggested In the Rooms (ITR). 

On the ITR website, I found Codependency, Grief, and Relationships with Sophia Caudle. Dr. Sophia stated all addictions have their root in codependency... and that everyone is codependent in some way. I learned the term ambiguous grief. Examples are what I never had in childhood, the empty nest when my son didn't need me anymore at age 12, all the relationships that didn't work out (because I was codependent), all the 'homes' I lost along with the possessions, losing my ability to work due to chronic pain and illness, and struggling with taking care of myself on my own. Here's more information on ambiguous grief:

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/coping-with-ambiguous-grief

ITR also has Trauma and Recovery with Barbara Stromquist (uses Pete Walker's book COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving). One of the first things I discovered in the book was emotional flashbacks which described why I was waking up in the morning feeling abandoned and depressed. Unbeknown to me, I was dreaming about unpleasant situations and waking up in a state of emotions referred to as flashbacks. Once I got this figured out, the intensity of them faded away. Before going to sleep, I ask guardian angels to accompany me and protect me. Flashbacks don’t ever stop happening. You learn skills for managing them. People like Pete Walker and Peter Levine still deal with their stuff but teach the skills they learned in managing them.

In addition to the above two groups, ITR has one for Chronic Pain Anonymous. I was surprised to learn that a 12-step program was developed for this, too. The focus is on the emotional effects of what you are dealing with vs the actual details about your condition(s), doctors, treatments, etc. The main book used in this group is Recipe for Recovery. In this group, a member showed the weighted stuffed animal they use for emotional support. Thus, after much research, I settled on Benji (shown in the above photo). He weighs 5 lbs. 

Last, but not least, is CoDA.org. CoDA is an abbreviation for Co-Dependents Anonymous. Books used in this group include Co-Dependents Anonymous, the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook, and Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. After listening to people describe their dire circumstances, I felt some relief. Despite all of what I've dealt with, I am grateful I didn't have to deal with what they deal with. Two of the statements they use are:

"We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life." 

"No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous."

In addition to the above meetings, the facilitator I first mentioned has a recovery group through the Center for Spiritual Living, Manatee, Florida. She also has a discussion group for a book, currently The I of the Storm by Gary Simmons which meets twice a month.

Between attending the above meetings, I'd find inspiring information on Facebook and Instagram which I copy into my Journal Highlights book document. I am always amazed by the synchronicity and divine timing that I find them... validating what I hear in the various recovery groups. Here is one:

Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change. How do we begin to cope with loss that cannot be resolved? The COVID-19 pandemic has left many of us haunted by feelings of anxiety, despair, and even anger. In this book, pioneering therapist Pauline Boss identifies these vague feelings of distress as ambiguous loss. This is what we experience when a loss remains unclear and undefined, and thus lingers indefinitely. Now, with a pandemic that has upended the lives of people across the globe, we are collectively experiencing ambiguous loss – loss of trust in the world as a safe place and loss of certainty about our healthcare, education for our children, employment, and the rebuilding of our lives after so much loss. Here, you will find guidance for beginning to cope with this lingering distress, and even learn how this time of pandemic has taught us to tolerate ambiguity, build resilience, and emerge from crises stronger than we were before. https://a.co/d/bqvsfRS

Maybe I am too hard on myself, but I don't feel like I have built resilience yet. I am practicing taking one day at a time... and reminding myself to not give up. 

Who Am I?

Information overload. There is so much overlap between all of the following human characteristics I've been discovering about myself. In observing all these birds, I wonder if any of them wonder who they are. Are any of them comparing themselves with the others? Do any of them feel lost and alone even though they are in community with the others?

I felt overwhelmed with a flare of CPTSD (Complex PTSD) which I can at least understand after reading Pete Walker’s book with the same title and participating in online group meetings.

Add the characteristics of Myers-Briggs INFJ that I identify with: Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

I found a good video about INFJs that explains why I struggle to connect with others which eased my mind. I got the following by clicking on the transcript for the video.

INFJs often face challenges due to their yearning for meaningful connections. Unlike those who are satisfied with small talk, INFJs crave conversations and relationships that go beyond the surface level. This innate desire for depth shapes how they navigate the complexities of connections. This can sometimes make them feel isolated because not many people truly comprehend the profoundness of their thoughts and emotions. The real challenge lies in finding individuals who can reciprocate this understanding and value. INFJs may find themselves outgrowing relationships that no longer align with their values or contribute to their well-being.

https://youtu.be/GV1ljIZccSI?si=nQi_Y9GrED6Tofn9

I found two Facebook groups for INFJs where I’ve been learning more about our challenges.

Add HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).

Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, is a term coined by psychologist Elaine Aron. According to Aron’s theory, HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/highly-sensitive-person

I also found Empaths Empowered, a blog by Diane Kathrine

https://theknowing1.com/

and Introvert Dear, a blog by Jenn Granneman

https://introvertdear.com/

Definitely: a complex inner life. As I wrote in Wrong Planet, I am complex and complicated, fractured and duplicated.

Add: Heyoka Empath – which I wrote about in the previous book, My Quest for Healing.

What a combination! How can I expect someone else to understand me if I can’t understand myself?

I do remember reading somewhere that it is normal for a person to go through different stages in life and not remember previous stages.

INFJ, Introvert, Heyoka Empath, HSP, codependent, grief, plus childhood and adult trauma (CPTSD)... the kitchen sink soup of characteristics that make up this human.

Me to Spirit: How can I obtain peace?

Spirit’s answer: Trust me. Life is not worth living without contrast and challenges.

Part of me is fine, part of me is not. I suppose I only know fine because I have the opposite to compare it to.

I am still searching for aspects of myself I buried over my lifetime.

With synchronicity, I began to read The SOUL of DESIRE. Curt Thompson, MD, wrote:

... underneath all our longings is the desire to be known.

In Chapter 4, Trauma and Shame, he wrote: 

We are a people of grief. In the presence of our desire to be known in order to co-create and become beauty with God and others, we often encounter instead a depth of grief and brokenness  that can make the hope of new creation seem like a cruel joke. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to tell us that grief is the painful emotion we experience in the face of losing something or someone to which we have meaningful attachment. It is no surprise, given the significance of our attachment and social engagement systems, that it will be painful to lose something that provides us with a sense of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure. But knowing this face doesn't make the reality of our loss any easier. // For all our desire, what we often experience is grief resulting from unmet longing. We grieve the loss of things we have had and sometimes the loss of things before we have even had them.

He also wrote about the importance of sharing our stories in group settings... which I began to do by discovering and participating in all the online support groups I've found on CoDA.org, intherooms.com, and uspainfoundation.org... which led to getting into a writing mode once again after a dry spell.

One of Me

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Image from https://pasterski.com/2018/10/internal-family-systems-meet-your-inner-family/

This is a continuation of what I began writing about years ago after reading and listening to Richard Schwartz Ph.D. No Bad Parts aka Internal Family Systems. I liked learning that no matter how many parts of me there are, none of them are bad… not even the angry, judgemental ones. I have to get to know who they are and love them instead of doing what I have always done… push them away. I have also learned that everyone has parts.

To refresh your memory (and mine), I fell into a depressive episode for about six months when I got sick in June resulting in three weeks of isolation while I holed up in my bedroom in bed. Multiple voices in my head surfaced, competing for my attention at the same time. Some of these voices were angry, sad, lonely, and scared. I learned from that experience that I needed a bench sofa I could rest and nap on in my living room and only use the bedroom at night. I found one that works on Amazon.

At the end of 2006, I had moved to Texas and then got stuck here on my own. Abandonment issues magnified, and it took over five years to find a home, people, and groups I was comfortable being involved with. Holidays are the worst. I get homesick. Just as I was recovering from being sick, Thanksgiving and Christmas floated in. I felt left out of all the holiday gatherings I saw other people enjoying.

If you're reading this and were one of the people who showed up at my door or called me, thank you!

I gave up trying to make sense of the terminology for IFS (Internal Family Systems) that includes exiles, protectors, managers, etc. and in a fit of frustration, demanded these ‘parts’ get out of my head and sit on other chairs in my apartment. When I felt them all inside my head creating chaos and despair (like the picture on top), I began to tell them to go sit down where I can see them and listen to what they need to say. Somehow it worked, and I no longer felt like I would go insane with numerous voices inside my head. After describing this to one of my younger sisters, she suggested I write a blog post on the topic.

I like the term One of Me. It describes the detachment I feel when one part of me is functioning and the other parts are not.

One of Me is a workaholic. I used to work full-time jobs plus take college classes, eventually obtaining a Bachelor's Degree in Management Information Systems. Working and studying was my medicine (when I wasn't taking the pharmaceutical kind)... a distraction from the emotions and feelings I couldn't deal with. Post-disability, as long as I had projects to work on, I was okay. You can say I am addicted to distractions.

One of Me is a lonely, abandoned, traumatized, scared child… afraid of the outside world… afraid of the unknown. She looks at people on Facebook who are having fun with their families… even traveling to be with them… and doing activities she can no longer do… like hiking and exploring. She sits down and cries inside because she is grieving for the family she no longer has even though her siblings live in other states. She also grieves for places she can no longer go. Isolation is painful. How did she survive all these years?

Indeed, One of Me is a survivor. Despite all the traumatic experiences, she is still here. Still breathing. The Divine has been by her side making sure she has her basic needs… food, shelter, transportation… even when she detached (disassociated) and couldn't feel the support.

One of Me is a dreamer. She used to dream of a future that includes fame with writing and music... and traveling in a nice RV.  Is it still possible? I don't know. I am older now.

One of Me experiences chronic conditions such as adrenal fatigue and spondylolisthesis and needs someone to take care of her and help with chores. Community Attendant Services didn’t work out, so she is on her own again. At least the Divine brought a Mobility Scooter and a van with a lift.

One of Me is an educated adult who knows what to do for the other one. She tells her to lie down and rest as much as she needs to and just tackle one thing at a time. Nothing is permanent, not even fatigue. Since fatigue usually partners with depression, reassure her that it is temporary. She usually begins feeling better in the afternoon.

One of Me is a compassionate adult who listens to other people when they call or come to her with their concerns. She is also an empath and can't always release the emotions she absorbs from others. She has to learn to differentiate what is hers from what is others and clear the others out. Towards the end of this last depressive episode, it occurred to me that I can listen to the other One of Me's the same way I listen to other humans... with a sense of detachment.

YouTube is smart and suggests videos to you based on everything else you have been watching, reading, writing, purchasing, and listening to. I opened the YouTube app one day and found the audiobook Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant. Then I purchased the book. 

On another day, I found an interview with Bruce Lipton on his Biology of Belief. Bruce said to incorporate the affirmations into your subconscious, listen to them as you go to sleep. I created a playlist for Sleep with two "I love myself" videos so it would stop after the second one. I am usually awake during the first one and fall asleep as the second one plays.

YouTube also suggested Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention audiobook which I listened to twice. Perhaps YouTube talks to Amazon and knows I had purchased the book. “I intend to feel good. I intend to feel happy. I intend to choose thoughts that make me feel good. There is a solution to every problem." I rewrote my personal affirmation list to include these and to read throughout the day.

I found two Wednesday night online support groups through Mile Hi Church in Colorado: Transcending Trauma and Heart, Mind, Spirit Recovery. (The ministers at that church were originally in Huntington Beach, California when I lived there.) Trauma meets the first Wednesday, Recovery every Wednesday. While Recovery is mainly for alcoholics and drug addicts, I qualify because I took strong pharmaceutical drugs for close to 15 years. Besides, I am addicted to sugar which is known to be as addicting as cocaine. What do I want the most when I feel depressed? Sugar! I know what it feels like to want it even though I know it isn't good for me. It feeds candida which is not my friend. I do my best to avoid gatherings that serve sweets. Wish they would serve organic fruit instead.

Back to Transcending Trauma. The facilitator told us grief gets mixed in with trauma. I could think of a whole list of things I’ve been grieving about. Loss of childhood, loss of my siblings as I knew them, loss of my parents, loss of homes, loss of relationships and marriages which turned out to be dysfunctionally matched with me as the empath and them as narcissists and energy vampires, loss of possessions when I had to walk away from everything, loss of all the foods I discovered I had sensitivities to and had toxins such as glyphosates, loss of the social circles that serve these foods. 

Grief changes you. You don't ever go back to what used to be normal. No wonder I feel detached and disassociated. Instead of clinging to what used to be, I have to completely let go. I have to incorporate my Sky-Diving principle. Yes, there is fear in the unknown, but trust that I will land safely. I found a few groups on Facebook and Instagram on the topic of grieving which have been helpful. They say that eventually, you figure out a new way to exist. Fortunately, I can use the search on my blog to find topics I wrote about in the past but have no memory of.

Well, One of Me writes songs and strums an acoustic folk guitar. A song titled Wrong Planet began to emerge, describing my challenges as simply being on the wrong planet. I began to hum it when I go into the outside world or even think about going out there, and it feels comforting. 

The lyrics to Wrong Planet 

I’m visiting from another planet, observing earthling ways.
My ship left without me – said they’d return for me someday.
I have trouble fitting in with people in this place.
How do I explain that my ship got lost in space?

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – can’t keep up with the trends.
I need someplace to belong because earth isn’t it.
I look around this strange land where I don’t seem to fit.

I feel complex and complicated, fractured and duplicated.
How did I end up here in this place that’s overrated?
Show me love; show me grace; be kindness in this place.
My heart cries for the sadness that invades the human race.

My mind is like a mansion – it has a lot of rooms.
Let’s take a tour together to find our way out of this gloom.
It’s part of a life lesson… I’m writing a new theme.
Where will it lead me… just nothing too extreme.

There are ripples in the water, life is never still –
and neither are emotions that tumble down the hills.
I emptied out my closet, but I wish I could empty out my mind.
Boxes all shapes and sizes are filled with memories of every kind.

Courage, I know you’re somewhere; I’m searching for a dose.
I’m on the outside looking in, but I can feel you somewhere close.
I feel like a dreamer – can you read between the lines?
I’m a mysterious collection of rhythms and rhymes.

I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.
I’m on the wrong planet – and I need to find some friends.

Copyright © 2022 Renee Alter

Unconditional

In the realm of the book world, my apartment complex manager mentioned to me about three weeks ago that our little community room library had too many books. In the meantime, I had been going to the Senior Center (Multipurpose Center) on Tuesdays for a class on Powerful Tools for Caregivers.

In my natural want-to-help way, I suggested she save small boxes to pack them in and ask someone to take them to various places... the Mission, the local library, the Salvation Army, etc. Then I decided I could fill a small box tote I had for transporting things on my mobility scooter to take with me to the Center Thrift Store along with other items I wanted to donate.

Two weeks ago, I brought the box tote to the community room to fill up. Have you ever had a book jump out at you and call your attention? I don't remember this happening to me since 2010. I spotted the title Unconditional, was intrigued by the cover and back cover description, and took it home to read. It is based on the motion picture with the same title. Remember, I rarely read fiction these days. I was in for a real tear-jerker. Perhaps it was a good time to do some crying. This last week's class for Caregivers was about emotions and what happens when you hold them in. One can erupt like a volcano.

As I read the book, cleansing tears washed over me. I found numerous synchronicities to situations I had dealt with in my own life... and the numerous times just when I believed the worst, an obvious divine presence showed up to intercede.

The story begins with a woman named Samantha, Sam for short. She is young, married to her first love, and living on a wonderful ranch that his parents gave to them. I must include here that the author writes what I can only describe as artistically and poetically. I was immediately captured by her writing.

My first burst of tears erupted with the compassion I felt toward her grief when her perfect life is shattered by the murder of her husband in a dark alley of a bad neighborhood where he went to repair lights that were out. No, I didn't have a husband who was murdered. But many relationships and marriages had died. Similar grief. It was about the obvious presence of the divine when three years later, as Sam was about to pull the trigger to end her own life in the same place her husband had been murdered, the final moment is interrupted by a child yelling because his little sister had been hit by a car.

In addition to tears of sadness and compassion, I kept bursting into tears about the divine interventions weaved into the story. I knew there was no coincidence that the children were out there during a time she was intending to end her life. I never actually followed through with ending my own life during two periods of despair. I was just obsessed with suicidal thoughts. Memories of these situations rose while I was reading about someone else's experience. (Read my post about Talking Myself Out of Suicide.) I didn't go as far as Sam did with putting a gun to her head.

In the story, Sam comes out of her daze and rushes the two children off to a hospital where the unconscious child could be treated... and hopefully saved. At the hospital, a man shows up regarding the children... a man she hadn't seen since grade school... a man who had been her very best friend. I was sad at that point about not having any childhood best friends. Then I kept reading.

Joe was the only one on the planet who could pull her out of her grief. What an incredible synchronicity that the same children who were in the alley were connected to this man. I recalled the time I had shouted to God: "If you want me to go" (to my son's wedding in California), "send someone to help me and give me a reason to come back!" followed by meeting a man who succeeded in pulling me out of my personal despair.

The story has one arc after another, expertly interweaved like a suspense novel with none of the characters knowing what the other had been going through until the end of it all. It's a murder mystery (Who murdered Sam's husband?), riveted with suspense (Will Sam commit suicide? Will Joe die?), a love story, and contains many beautiful miracles.

In one scene, Joe tells Sam how he ended up in prison for doing something on a dare. He gets into an altercation which results in 40 days of solitary confinement. Sam later reveals to him her self-imposed solitary confinement during the previous three years of despair. I paused while remembering when I lived in the trailer park in Bakersfield and the day I found out it was filled with ex-convicts and drug addicts. In my innocence, I befriended Blondie (not her real name)... a woman who told me about the people who lived in the park and the 20 years in prison she did which included solitary confinement. She had given me the book We're All Doing Time to read, and I had realized I had been in prison, too, just one without bars.

Sam's husband's parents had given them their ranch when they moved to a warmer area. In the midst of her grief, she couldn't appreciate all that she had. I remember during years of depression, I could not appreciate what I had, either, compared to life in third world countries and slums. Sam gets involved with all the underprivileged children Joe had taken under his wing who nearly always were happy despite their circumstances, and suddenly she realizes she had been discounting the positive (one of many cognitive distortions I discovered I had).

Sam had been writing a children's book ever since she and Joe were in grade school, including drawing the illustrations. After her husband was murdered, she abandoned the dream. All her drawings lived in a room she couldn't bear to enter. I wondered if I had abandoned any particular dreams. Yes, one of many topics I've contemplated on, is what I may have dreamed as a child I would do when I grow up. Interweaved in this amazing book are the bits, pieces, and synchronicities of how Sam's inspiration comes back, including the discovery of finding all the drawings that child she saved had been doing...  just as she had done when she was a child.

Sam forgets about her grief by becoming actively involved with caring for the children. When she realizes how blessed she is with having the ranch, she invites them all out there for a weekend... realizing she had just found a purpose in life. I reminisced about how Nancy with Reaching Beyond Words had walked into my life in January 2018 with the desire to get children's stories she wrote published. I had asked God what I was to do next after becoming wheelchair dependent and letting go of two stressful volunteer jobs. Months later, Nancy had texted me if I knew any bookkeepers which led to my volunteering as theirs. Both organizations are doing similar things. Perhaps my future includes underprivileged children?

Sam is absolutely sure the man who lives in the projects next to the two children she had rescued that day in the alley was the man who murdered her husband. This scene is one of many that reveals a surprising conclusion toward the end. I reminisced at the number of times I had been sure of certain things in my life which turned out to be false conclusions (another cognitive distortion I had).

The book I had read just before this one was Ask Your Guides by Sonia Choquette. I feel certain Unconditional was meant to find me. I've been logging every synchronicity I notice in a journal... and the number has been mounting.

Earlier in the week, I dreamed a woman I had met in Toastmasters (moved away) came to visit with two small children. (There were two small children in Unconditional, too.) Sonia wrote that many times, guides will urge you to call someone who needs support. She remained on my mind the entire day, so that night, I called her. She surprised me with the question, "Why did you call?" Odd question, I thought. I told her about the book I read, the dream I had, and my urge to call. In case one of her guides urged me, I decided to follow through. It turned out she had been thinking about me as well as a book project she was still struggling with. I thought about Sam in Unconditional.

One of the many things I think about is this blog. I never know what I will write about next or when I will write it. I tell myself not to worry about it. When it is time, the divine will whisper the topic to me, and my fingers will write it. This is one of them.

Holiday Stress

It's that special time of year when many celebrations are taking place internationally across many cultures. Here are some of them:

• Saint Nicholas Day (Christian)
• Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe (Mexican)
• St. Lucia Day (Swedish)
• Hanukkah (Jewish)
• Christmas Day (Christian)
• Three Kings Day/Epiphany (Christian)
• Kwanzaa (African American)
• Omisoka (Japanese)
• Yule (Pagan)
• Saturnalia (Pagan)

It is also that time of year when many people are depressed and lonely. I used to be one of these people so I know. While all the happy celebrations were going on around me with family gatherings and parties, I withdrew. People could tell I was withdrawn so I wasn't invited to very many events. At least I didn't have the obligations of cooking for a family or hosting a gathering where I'd have to choose between acting happy or expressing how I was really feeling.

For those who have lost one or more loved ones, a pet, a job, suffering financial hardship or homelessness, a relationship breakup, it is indeed a time of loneliness. Their loved one(s) and/or their safety net is no longer there. I feel for all the loss from recent hurricane devastation as well as close friends who have lost a husband, a grandchild, a mother, a pet.

For some, it is obvious just by looking at them. You can see the emptiness in their eyes and in their physical demeanor even if they smile. For others, they've become really good actors--something they don't give themselves credit for.

One of many definitions of stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.

The stress response can be felt whether you are experiencing excitement or its opposite.

Perhaps you are one of the people who feel you must perform your duties as a wife, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, or business owner even if it overrides your need to say no. You never do give yourself permission to say no or to ask for help so you burn yourself out.

Excitement can burn you out as well. Too much can strain your Adrenals and the result is Adrenal Fatigue which has numerous consequences.

In your efforts to prepare, decorate, cook, plan, and visit, sometimes partying until the wee hours of the morning, many are sleep deprived. The consequences of sleep deprivation are vast.

Add to the above all the sugar that you eat because somehow traditions of all kinds include a LOT of sugar! Sugar puts a strain on your immune system in addition to all of the above.

Memory doesn't work well when you are under stress which is why in an emergency you can't remember what to do. Some call this brain fog or a senior moment.

While you all are celebrating family and religious traditions, remember to smile at all the lonely people and offer them a gift of time and perhaps a long warm hug.

Reminiscing & Gratitude

Wishing everyone a beautiful Thanksgiving!

This post is the final chapter of my first book and a good topic for a post today. It's Thanksgiving and I am reminiscing about how grateful I am that I learned how to view all experiences as tools for growth and as contrast. For instance, the water being shut off for repairs reminded me of all the times I didn't have running water and how grateful I am of having it now, even if it is shut off for what turned out to be only 30 minutes. I've come a long way since I wrote this book in 1996 besides being 21 years older. Just like the previous post on The Broken Branch, I choose to focus on all I am grateful for today, which includes all of my readers. At the time I wrote this book, I had just lost the place I called home, a marriage that didn't work, and employment. In this space I had to choose--to dwell in all that I had lost or in all the pleasant memories. It did indeed shift my vibration and life grew around me again... which would happen numerous more times between then and now. 

CHAPTER 15: GRATITUDE

I’ve been dwelling in thoughts of mourning too long, mourning for everything in my life that I have lost and never had.

Today, I asked Spirit, is there an opposite to mourning for what I’ve lost? There must be something else - this place hurts too much! There must be something different than gratitude! Being grateful for what I have is not touching me where I need to be touched!

“Yes,” the answer came. “Climb into the essence of your most wonderful memories.” Be grateful for the opportunity to have the experiences that now dwell in your memory.... but do not dwell on what is lost - climb into the joy of your most cherished memories.

So I began to collect my most treasured memories one by one and climb into them for a while. Within a few days, my spirits began to lift up from the depression I had been drowning in.

I collected memories of doing special things with my father. I felt special when we walked hand in hand along the seashore. I felt grown up when he took me to work with him during school vacations and taught me how to do some of the work he did. I felt the sense of adventure when he took me to the outdoor market in downtown Boston during the summer to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. He also took me to the auto show where I saw all kinds of creations other than the autos I’d seen on the streets. I felt a sense of awe when he took me for walks to see all the Christmas store displays. I felt exhilarated when he taught me to drive in his Volvo. There is no room for both feelings of rejection and the joy of these memories. So now I must choose, if even for today, to be in the joy of memories.

Gratitude implies being in the present. If there is one thing I can be grateful for right now are all the cherished memories I have collected from the past. I can mourn and cry for what I lost and never had, but maybe just for today, I can go back in time and feel what I felt then. After all, what else are memories for?

All my memories are weaved together as intricately as a spider’s web - connected to each other with every emotion I’ve ever felt. I was given free will to choose - which includes choosing what part of that web I spend my time in. I can choose to drown in sorrow or I can choose to immerse myself in joy.

Old habits are stubborn. It seems like most of us are naturals at drowning in muck - but you can’t be both places at the same time.....I can sift through the memories like I would sift through a pile of sand and find the treasures in all my past experiences. Or I can choose anger and tears by focusing on the part that hurts.

I can choose to be hurt and angry at every boy (including the ones that lived in grown men) that used me and hurt me - or swoon in the memories of each “fatal attraction.” I could mourn the loss of my dreams to be happily married, have a house and raise children - or be in the joy of how free I felt when I was on my own again.

I can mourn and cry for each love that I lost - or be in the bliss of every memory they gave me. I can imagine a new love and be in the bliss as if it already is. I can imagine someone climbing inside my soul, wrapping his arms around me, and feeling completely safe and secure in his embrace.

And Jesse. Do I dwell on the mess he constantly makes? Or do I bless the trail of his existence? Without him, there would be no mess. Do I dwell on the annoying noises he makes or the fact that he watches too much TV and listens to “awful” music? If I had to choose between having him in my life with the mess, the noises, the music and the TV, or his never having been here at all....I’d bless the mess. I’d bless the noise. This is who and what he is and I bless his existence in my life! Do I dwell on the fact that he’s a teenager and no longer wants to be home....or be happy I’ve done a good job raising a child who believes in himself enough to do this?

I immerse myself in college, homework, motherhood, reading, photography, music, research, writing, walking, healing, and memories. Do I stay sad and mourn all that I’ve lost and never had or do I climb inside the joy of the memories?

Today, I’ll immerse myself in memories, and be grateful for every single one.