Friday, March 19, 2021


I've always felt the need to have a purpose. During times I had none or was disconnected, I would get depressed and sometimes suicidal. Here are additional thoughts on the topic. In the early morning hours, I often scroll through social media and read emails. Oftentimes, I note connections and synchronicities in what I am thinking about and what shows up in my feed.

Amy Penny aka The Healer Chick recently posted this YouTube video by Dolores Cannon titled The Three Waves of Volunteers. She also has a book with the same title. Something clicked, and I felt the sense of excitement in discovering what I came to earth to do. Even if it's only my imagination, it doesn't matter. The discovery propels me to yet another level of understanding.

I came here as a volunteer. For what? To bring love where there is darkness and despair. This is an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. I'd been gathering clues relating to birth trauma, childhood trauma, and the chain of trauma that continued throughout my life which apparently affected my immune system and locked my nervous system into freeze.

I had also just recently seen information by Robert Schwartz about living according to the virtues you decided to work on before you incarnated... an additional puzzle piece to post-traumatic growth. This is his book on Amazon which I haven't read yet.

If I volunteered to bring love into the family I was born into, no wonder I changed my mind when I got here. It turned out to be much more difficult than I thought it would be. Dolores talked about this part. In changing my mind, I froze, rebelled, withdrew, didn't want to stay here, and became depressed… thinking it was much more than I could handle… then concluded that I failed. With a sense of failure, I went out into the world attracting similar situations because I didn't know any different. 

Perhaps it wasn't about the traumatic experiences themselves after all. And if it wasn't, if there is no such thing as failing, just another opportunity to learn what works by eliminating something else that doesn't, can you see where I am heading? Thomas Edison failed 1,000 times before he invented the lightbulb.

When I collapsed in 1999 and ended up on permanent disability, I gave up on love. When I collapsed in 2010, once again I gave up on love. I drowned in the sensation of feeling abandoned and worthless. Every so often, a supernatural event would occur to remind me I had spiritual helpers, but I didn't know they were always there but not allowed to interfere without your request unless it was an emergency.

Here I am today, back to volunteering. I recently took on another assignment. Relax, I told myself. Pace yourself. I don't have to do it all today.

As I continue my quest for post-traumatic growth, studying and drinking up the contents of all things relating to psychology self-help style, another layer was revealed to me as to why people feel compelled to confide in me. Energetically, they know I am a volunteer.

In seeking recovery from chronic depression (and grief), one thing that is recommended is to volunteer for a worthy cause. I struggled with this one due to physical limitations. But eventually, I found plenty to volunteer for. Plenty. So much so, as a super achiever, I burned myself out. 

I quit volunteering for a while but soon new projects found their way to me. I must be a volunteer magnet. I'd easily spend hours working on something that someone else may have completed in ten minutes. I had a steady disability income, although not enough for everything I wanted in life (like holistic medicine and psychology), so I volunteered to use my computer skills to do bookkeeping and secretarial skills for local nonprofits. It was technical work. I could detach emotionally while I stayed busy. My self-worth was dependent on completing tasks… for other people.

Volunteer. When I got back on the Community Attendant Service (CAS) program in August 2019, I found myself volunteering to mentor beautiful young women who were sent to be my helpers. At first, I felt like this was a part-time job. I had to create a task list for them, schedule the time, be up and ready for their arrival whether I felt up to it or not. I got to practice a lot of what I had been learning. It took a while before I realized why they (and others) felt compelled to share their emotional experiences and challenges with me.

Another layer to all of this was being told I am a Heyoka empath. I blend and merge with other people and often don't know that much of what I feel isn't mine. It is others. Which circles back around to pre-birth… in the womb… absorbing the emotions of the parents I volunteered to bring love to… in the midst of their acting out their personal wounded, traumatized inner children.

Volunteer. I compensated for my desire to volunteer by joining clubs and non-profit organizations, volunteering to be their secretary, social media admin, public relations person, and/or bookkeeper. I volunteered to help people get their stories/books published. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I ended up volunteering to study all the healing modalities I'd need to improve my personal health because I couldn't afford to pay others for these services.

Volunteer. As I circle back around into my original plan to bring love into my family, COVID brought the opportunity for my family members to learn how to use video conferencing technology. Because I had to learn how to use it myself, I decided to try getting my remaining family members connected via Zoom. It's been a wonderful reunion and success but also has its challenges. I often feel just as drained after a video visit as I do if I had visited in person. I want the visits to be uplifting but my natural tendency as a human emotional vacuum cleaner is to absorb all the uncomfortable emotions and leave behind love. Then I have to figure out how to empty my vacuum cleaner bag… but first, I'd have to figure out that it is full.

I like this newly inspired concept of being a human emotional vacuum cleaner. Just like spoon theory is a concept of available energy, I can determine how big my vacuum cleaner bag (or container) is… and remember to dump it out regularly. Before it gets so full it bursts. Before my little bucket overflows.

Expansion. The sensation of expanding beyond my physical body when I close my eyes… expanding to blend in with universal life energy… and universal love… expanding beyond my storytelling mind, toxic thoughts, and their resulting emotions. Doing this without alcohol or drugs. Wouldn't it be nice to become addicted to expansion? I've been reading you can be addicted to toxic thoughts.

P.S. I decided the bus I am going to use in the bus analogy (continued from my last post) would be a yellow school bus. The thoughts that often hop on board are unruly children.

I must be their competent bus driver and pay attention to the road. Let the bus monitor deal with the children.

According to ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), one cannot change toxic thoughts or make them go away. You must accept them and take them for a ride. Maybe at some point, I can upgrade to driving a luxurious tour bus. But for now, I must nurture my inner child and the inner children of the people who are in my life.

After all, I volunteered to love. Including myself.

In the meantime, it is vital for my survival (and yours) to establish boundaries. Use a word such as regardless to restate your boundary once you figure out what it is when someone you establish a boundary with attempts to climb your castle wall to invade your space.

Yes, I like this analogy, too. The ultimate fairy tale always has a castle. Some get locked in a tower (depression) for years before they are rescued. But some will die there alone. Some live in dilapidated filthy castles, imprisoned in their minds, and don't allow anyone into their space. Some keep their castles spotless, and invite people to fancy balls. Then after everyone leaves, they retreat into their personal gloom. Some castles have lots of rooms for guests. Who are these guests? Your thoughts, of course.

Perhaps no one is who you think they are… not even you. Have you ever noticed a sense of transformation when you let go of false beliefs and create new ones? It is a possibility for everyone…

Here's to synchronicity. After I wrote this early this morning, I opened Judith Orloff's book Thriving As An Empath to March 19… setting your intention:

I will be ready for renewal. I will anticipate spring with excitement and embrace the ongoing transformation of my mind, body, and spirit.

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