Ripples

Ripples in the YMCA pool.

There's a lot going on in my life and in the world that has dragged me down into a depressive mood. However, just when I think I have hit bottom, all the right words show up again to lift me out of the hole I tend to fall into. 

Grief is one of the ingredients. I got attached to two different people who did not stay in my life. Only the gifts they brought did. One of the gifts those two people gave me was doses of fun and play. When they left, it activated attachment wounds and unhealed abandonment. On June 20, I made a list of all the ages I suffered from these wounds in rhyme to process what I was feeling and titled it Parts of Me. (Based on IFS-Internal Family Systems.) The last four lines came as a surprise. 

She’s the age she is and every age she ever was - all parts of her identity.

Looking for purpose in all the experiences, feeling like an unsolved mystery.

Should anyone like to be a detective and peel all the layers away,

You might just find a five-year-old who just wants to go out and play.

Sadness is another ingredient. I caught glimpses of human rights being stripped away. Vaccine mandates, another school shooting, Roe vs Wade. I read somewhere a simple solution for birth control is to give all males vasectomies which are reversible. There seems to be both pros and cons to every solution. I feel the disharmony in the world caused by the conflicts. Being an empath is no fun.

Fatigue is another ingredient. My whole body aches when I am fatigued. I've been doing a lot more on my own without help with daily chores. I drove an hour each way to go to an event last night with 400 in attendance. Double whammy. The drive and the emotions/feelings of 400 people. I remind myself that fatigue has always contributed to depression.

Loneliness. On June 23, one of my sisters sent me a link to a Ross Rosenberg video. I learned the term Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs Codependency. That definitely explains things with the added hope of achieving Self-Love Abundance. I can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. It's part of being an introvert. Here's more information: 

https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/self-love-deficit-disorder

This morning, I got up to use the bathroom, put food out for the colony of feral cats I feed, swallowed a serving of PerfectAmino with a glass of water, and went back to bed.

I remembered that nothing in life is permanent. Maybe if I stay in bed for a while, the mood will pass. I remember from various things I've listened to that it is better to climb into the dark places and acknowledge them than to avoid them. If you climb into them, you'll be able to get through them much quicker.

Michael Beckwith in his book Life Visioning stresses the importance of meditation, including staying with and observing all of what I mentioned above.

One of many of Donna Eden's energy medicine routines is placing one hand over your forehead with your thumb and fingertips on opposite sides of your temples and your other hand over your solar plexus. I did this with the intention of sending love to my inner child(ren). I was surprised by what happened.

I saw downtown Los Angeles which became symbolic of my grief, sadness, and fatigue. I used to live in Orange County, CA. During the week I worked as an administrative assistant in a 14-story building (surrounded by people but felt alone). On many weekends, I drove to one of two canyons - Silverado or Modjeska, a beautiful drive. Silverado had a small library I enjoyed going to, and Modjeska had a small wildlife sanctuary. With this visualization, I felt my mood shift, and I climbed out of bed.

Next, I saw an email by Living WELL Aware with the link to the website. I almost deleted it, but then thought it might be related to what I was dealing with. And it was! Even Dr. Sulak was experiencing something similar. 

Does it appear that we can have two identities? There’s the one that is optimistic, at peace, full of joy, compassionate. ... We are in our RIGHT Brain, sometimes referred to as our Sage/Inner Spirit. That part of our brain that is present to the moment, in tune with our senses. But how often do we find ourselves in the “other” world: pessimistic, discouraged, negative, living in blame and shame, feeling inadequate? Our LEFT Brain, our survival brain, is running the show, looking for what is wrong, recalling negatives of the past or worried about the future.

https://livingwellaware.gabbarthost.com/343956_2

Next, I listened to today's Mile Hi Church service on YouTube. When it ended, it rolled over into the previous week's service. Rev. Michelle Medrano's sermon included what her childhood was like, believing she had to suppress her feelings and emotions... just like I had. I listened to it again. It is titled Atlas of the Heart, based on the book written by Brene Brown. I would really like to take the course they are offering in July on The Inner Childhood Journey, but it is being held in Colorado.

https://youtu.be/egBU-VfwWBg

You may be wondering why I included the photo of ripples in the water. It reminds me that life is ever-changing, ever-moving. The ideal mindset is to strive not to get attached to any one thing such as joy or pain because one moment they are here and the next they have moved on. That without contrast, we wouldn't experience the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. So much to digest. So much to process. I crave the peace that these teachers have. One step at a time. One wave at a time.

6-30-22 Update:

Amazingly, Wednesday night's Heart-Mind-Soul Recovery group topic was Creative Power. We get two questions to answer. 

1. Where might you change your thinking in order to create a new reality?

2. Think of your creative power as a pebble tossed in the water, creating ripples. What would those ripples create?

Ripples!!! How eery!

In group, we go around with each person speaking for about two minutes. What did everyone talk about? The very topic of this blog post. I was amazed. And I also wondered... how much of what I am experiencing is mine and how much is everyone around the planet?

The Relationship Between Trauma and Resilience

I am curious. Did you play in competitive sports when you were in school? Did you ever get hurt? I bet when you did, you got right back up into the playing field again.

Some kids play in competitive sports from the time they are really little. They get pushed, shoved, hit, thrown, get bruised, break bones – and get right back up and play again. I wasn't one of them.

Maybe you were like me – one of the kids who was bullied in school, had an older sibling who intimidated you, and a father who assaulted you with degrading words, so you grew up feeling worthless. I was traumatized each time I got hurt physically or emotionally.

One time, I was riding my older sister's big bike when no one was looking. I didn't know the brakes didn't work and couldn't slow down when I came down the hill and turned the corner, making friends with the stone wall. I sprained both my wrists in addition to the other scrapes and bruises the bike and the wall decorated my body with. I'm sure I suffered emotional wounds as well.

When I was 21, I dozed at the wheel and opened my eyes just in time to see the parked car I was about to crash into. My Fiat folded like an accordion and I sustained a whiplash, concussion, and a lot of bruises – especially where the seat belt was – across my chest and hips. A 19-year-old boy I was infatuated with had just broken up with me, so this emotional trauma was layered on top of the physical injuries.

When I was 36, I lost control of my Toyota and jackknifed sideward into a bus bench that was cemented into the ground after a lady driving a Mercedes clipped the back, right corner. I couldn’t walk for months. At the time I had this accident, I was an emotional mess in the midst of a volatile relationship with a narcissist. Once again, trauma was layered on top of physical injuries.

It seemed like the injuries I collected never healed, which contributed to the chronic pain condition the doctors diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. They were very generous with all the drugs they prescribed to me, and by the time I was 43, I couldn’t work anymore and found myself on permanent disability.

When I joined Killeen Toastmasters in July of 2015 at the ripe old age of 59, I began to get a different kind of education. I heard stories from fellow members about all the adversities they’d faced and how they were dealing with them…especially from Tim. And I couldn’t use the excuse that I am a female because I met women like Anca, who was a professional boxer, and Rolana and Delsina who were in the army. I began to wonder… what do they have that I don’t?

Some people become firefighters, police officers, first responders, go skydiving, skiing, go bull riding, go into the military, and volunteer for rescue missions. They face danger, get hurt, recover, and go face the danger again. I wanted to know HOW.

I began to do some research, found some books, and I believe I finally figured it out. It’s the relationship between Trauma and Resilience.

In Dr. Peter Levine’s book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, I learned that trauma, especially in early childhood, programs your brain and nervous system to stay in survival mode – always on alert – because you never feel safe. Because of this, you don't get the rest and repair cycles you need to heal.

I found data showing that most people who have had adverse childhood experiences, also known as ACE, develop autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, adrenal fatigue, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

I found an ACE questionnaire online. I scored 8 out of 10. Here's the link to the quiz so you can take it yourself:

ACE Questionnaire -- Finding Your ACE Score

I found out I am not alone when it comes to ACE. People who have suffered from ACE become afraid of everything. Fear attracts more situations to be afraid of – like the abusive relationships I blindly walked into. It makes you jumpy because your adrenals are constantly being ignited – and rarely for any good reason. 

On the US Dept of Health & Human Services website, Substance and Mental Health Services Administration, I found: “Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are stressful or traumatic events, including abuse and neglect. They may also include household dysfunction such as witnessing domestic violence or growing up with family members who have substance use disorders. ACE are strongly related to the development and prevalence of a wide range of health problems throughout a person’s lifespan, including those associated with substance misuse.”

Sam Goldstein, Ph. D. wrote: “Resilience explains why some children overcome seemingly overwhelming obstacles while others become victims of their early experiences and environments.”

On MindTools.com in an article on Developing Resilience, I found: “Resilience (or resiliency) is our ability to adapt and bounce back when things don't go as planned. Resilient people don't wallow or dwell on failures; they acknowledge the situation, learn from their mistakes, and then move forward.”

I've been making some progress – investigating ACE and watching for ANTs around fear (automatic negative thoughts). The main ones are convincing my brain that the pain in my body is not dangerous – which in my case it isn't – and developing a sense of safety and self-regulation. I am easily triggered into a PTSD reaction with my heart pounding, back spasms, and exhaustion. I hope to find a way to regulate my nervous system in the near future to stop the vicious cycle of fight or flight so my body can rest and repair itself.

In conclusion, if you're like me, dealing with PTSD, fear, auto-immune disease and/or chronic pain, look into ACE and Resilience. You may be surprised what you learn about yourself, the people you grew up with, and the people you know now.