Monday, June 27, 2011

The Naft, Meditation, Gratitude, & Affirmations

Today is one of my best days. I have woken up many a morning with sensations of anxiety in my body. I don't know if it is from 'fasting' all night, a general fear of coping with a new day, or both. I focussed on my breath and silently 'chanted' words that calm me down such as peace, love, strength, health, confidence. I believe that when the level of endorphins in a person's brain is higher, that person can cope with pain, illness, and other life challenges better. The problem with the anti-depressants I've tried is their side effects.

There are so many techniques available on the internet for altering your brain waves through sound, meditation, exercise, etc. Perhaps it's a good thing I don't have the funds to purchase all the different material that is out there with the obsession of trying to feel better. Although, I often get a nice buzz just after a chiropractic adjustment. Seems like instead of sleeping 1/2 the day away, I am meditating 1/2 the day (and night) away.

I found Science of Mind affirmations (Ernest Holmes), Louise Hay affirmations and free YouTube meditations. Since I don't have a medication to pop to calm the sensation, (except Ativan for an emergency), I need to try new things. I just posted a bunch of meditations I found.

Last week I learned more about what is called the 'naft'... another name for the voice of my hurt inner child. This child has issues with not getting the attention she felt she should have had when she got sick or was in pain... and works herself up with fear. This 'naft' is what takes over in my mind when, as an adult, the attention & nurturing I desire does not show up when I feel that I need it. Living alone doesn't help.

I'm not consistent with doing the Reiki on myself and I wanted to find options for those who are not familiar with it, along with additional 'tools' for my personal wellness toolbox. The common denominator I found is that practicing meditation affirms that we are more than just a physical body. For some of you, this meditation is prayer. In the meditations I looked at there is mention of getting past the mind (ego), to connect to what the various faiths refer to as Source, The Divine, God, etc.

I sincerely hope that I can discipline myself to do these things on a daily basis without the structure of a group. I don't ever want to experience the complete detachment from God & myself that I experienced in April again.

Monday, June 13, 2011


     I saw this little story on facebook and reposted it again: "
"There's an old Cherokee legend of a grandfather teaching his grandson about life. The grandfather tells the child that in all of us there are two wolves. One wolf is filled with hatred, sadness, and anger. The other is filled with love, joy, and happiness. The wolves are in constant battle with each other. The grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The grandfather replies, "The one you feed."
     :-|    OK, I get it! I am feeding the wrong wolf again! Just as I started to feel better, I threw meat to the bad wolf and I got sucked back into my old pattern of thinking, which is probably why my health has been going down the tubes and I lost motivation to write. After reading that one, I went 'googling' again.
     I decided to see what Louise Hay's view on Fibromyalgia was. This is what showed up in her FAQ's:
     "Q: Your little blue book Heal Your Body hasn’t been updated since 1988 and I have conditions I am looking for that aren’t listed, such as fibromyalgia."
     Answer: "Over the years I’ve learned that there are really just two mental patterns that contribute to disease: Fear and Anger. Anger can show up as impatience, irritation, frustration, criticism, resentment, jealousy or bitterness. These are all thoughts that poison the body. When we release this burden, all the organs in our body begin to function properly.
     Fear could be tension, anxiety, nervousness, worry, doubt, feeling not good enough or unworthiness. Do you relate to any of this? We must learn to substitute faith for fear if we’re to heal. Faith in what? Faith in Life! I believe we live in a "Yes" Universe. No matter what we choose to believe or think or say, the Universe always says "yes" to us. If we think poverty, the Universe says "yes" to that. If we think prosperity, the Universe say "yes" to that. It's up to us! The Universe wants us to experience anything we desire. So let's say "yes" to all good. Be a "yes" person, living in a "yes" world being responded to by a "yes" Universe.
     If you find yourself with some sort of diseases that is not listed in Heal Your Body, become your own investigator and healer. Ask yourself, is it one of the forms of fear or is it one of the forms of anger? Are you willing to release those thoughts. And replace them with positive affirmations? Loving yourself will also contribute greatly to healing your body for love heals.
     So how do you love yourself? First of all and most importantly: Cease all criticism of yourself and others. Accept yourself as you are. Praise yourself as much as you can. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit, praise builds it up. Look into a mirror often and simply say: I LOVE YOU, I REALLY LOVE YOU. It may be difficult at first, but keep practicing and soon you will mean and feel what you say. Love yourself as much as you can and all of life will mirror this love back to you.
     P.S. Fibromyalgia is fear showing up as extreme tension due to stress.
My book I Can Do It will give you lots of affirmations to get you started until you learn to create your own."

     Do I relate to any of the words she listed under anger and fear? Yeh, I do. I've been told that I need to be patient, that I am frustrated, that I am too hard on myself, I already wrote about the coveting which leads to resentment & jealousy that other people are more physically able than I am and have better living spaces than I do. And I relate to feeling poisened. And fear? This includes the kitchen soup mix of tension, anxiety, nervousness, worry, doubt, and unworthiness... which had it's way with me in sliding back into depression. If I was truly chemically depressed, I don't think I would get moments of inspiration when I come upon something like this. I also feel hopeful because it was a Louise Hay tape I played over and over again over 15 years ago that got me over an initial hurtle of illness.
     I am looking at the big monster face to face. I feel temporarily relieved that it has shown itself in black and white. It's back to the drawing board of learning to shift my consciousness from what I learned in childhood. It's the monster that came to reclaim my life again after a relationship breakup was followed by a whole string of mishaps.
     I am also baring my soul to the public and hope that I don't end up trying to eat my words.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Today, I Googled 'finding happiness while in chronic pain.' I can't believe I actually got the following blog by Sue Falkner-Wood. I would like to know more about how she manages to stay positive.

She even wrote up an amusing account about whining, which helped me put some things into perspective and gave me a little smile.

Maybe I can learn to stop whining. What shall my new vocabulary be? In her blog, someone posted a reference to another blog on Fibromyalgia:

I know I said I would stop reading about the afflictions, but for the last few days, the muscle cramps all over my body have been really intense, and I wanted a dose of encouragement. I also gave up my resolve not to use any medication and started taking the muscle relaxer, Flexeril, again. The SSRI's made me really sick... so far with the Flexeril (along with the TENS), I've gotten a bit of relief. I got to sleep through the night for the 1st time since ??? Since Flexeril supposedly has a similar effect as a tricyclic antidepressant, my mood feels more tolerable to me. The downside is that I do feel a few unpleasant side effects and would prefer not to depend on meds.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Working on My Emotions

I continue to do research on the spiritual and emotional connections to illness and pain, and cling to the possibility that I can transform years of believing I could not heal to believing I CAN heal. This is no simple task. Believing in the possibility is my first step.

How was it that certain people can heal themselves of something as deadly as cancer? I now know personally two people who have. I used to believe I couldn't be healed of my afflictions (Dad died having his), yet I am well aware of many emotional issues that are still creating havoc for me (such as fear and anger turned inward).

Part of my journey is learning to be patient for the healing process while holding onto the expectation that the healing will come. Cuts and bruises heal by themselves. Emotional pain is so much more complex. I've met more people with deep emotional wounds and try to put my own wounds into perspective. A wound is a wound.

What makes them able to live 'normal' lives while I find it so hard to? At least I am shifting from self-pity to a sense of possibility of something different... like little ways to become empowered.

Yesterday, I decided to find a way to release some anger. Nice people don't get angry. Spiritual people don't get angry... they forgive... but the anger was still feeling like a dead weight inside of me... and seemed to hit me across the back of my waist in the form of a muscle spasm.

I once gave a pillow to my son to take out his frustrations on so he wouldn't attack me. How many years has it been since I allowed myself a little release?

I haven't been able to exercise, walk fast or run for many years and have often felt like a penned up racehorse of negative emotions. I took a long piece of foam tubing used to insulate pipes and starting to hit the side of my shelves with it... 'I'm angry at .....!' was soon followed by a short bout of tears. I don't remember when I last cried. And then I watched the anger I had about that situation evaporate and felt better. I don't have the means for all the extensive therapy that may or may not help me... I have to learn how to do it for myself... and because I decided I wanted to get better.  

I seek, I investigate, I look for answers anywhere I may find them... in books, psychology, various religions, and talking to other people. I acknowledge that I am obsessed with getting well (a switch from being obsessed with being sick and in pain)... and accepting where I am today as a result of the choices I made. I also have to go further than this and trust that God will bring me something new and improved at the right time.

I am putting myself out on a limb by sharing this journey with you because I want to prove to myself and to you that healing can really happen. I am told that I have been able to experience feeling great for a few months... and that it will happen again. I have decided to be thankful for the place I live and make it a sanctuary instead of a prison. I must find peace in the battleground of my mind.

Today, I found the following three web pages on the emotional connections of illness... both Christian and non-Christian viewpoints along with more information on EFT. These are the sites:

If you are reading this blog and know of other helpful sites to recommend, please let me know.

I haven't had a cold or the flu in years... is this just because I truly believe that I don't get them? I have stated that I don't numerous times... can I truly believe I "don't" get muscle spasms?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Progress Report

Hi! I'm back. I've been learning alot the past few weeks. In addition to meditating (trying out a variety of techniques), I decided to start doing Reiki on myself again... which I used to do over 15 years ago. With Facebook as one of my lifelines, I found other Reiki practioners... in the UK... in Canada... and reminding myself, that when I used to do Reiki for other people, they felt the difference. 

I have to lay down often throughout the day to rest my aching body, but each time I do, I say positive affirmations, visualize divine light and healing flowing through my body, followed by thinking about anyone else who needs prayer and healing as well. I've been able to reconnect to God. Just as I know all will be well for them, I know all will be well for me, too.

I am finding more inspirational Facebook pages to 'like' to add to my collection of inspiring thoughts. It takes awhile. For a time, I read them and didn't feel inspired. Over time, I felt the inspiring words begin to grow within me. I've also been trying the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) in addition to the meditation. I can't claim for sure that it working, but I DO feel better. My mood has been improving. Perhaps its a combination of everything.

I found the words 'that which we covet is usually the happiness we imagine it will bring'. I took careful inventoy of what this happiness was that I imagined living somewhere else would bring me... or having more money would bring. The happiness I want includes rewarding, supportive relationships which ruled out a lot of other places I thought I might want to live. I decided to go meet new people, including a new neighbor and another person who lives in an RV like I do. I decided to call some old friends and get in touch with cousins I haven't talked to in years. People I met previously began to spend more time with me.

Gratitude is a big one. I wrote about it in the final chapter of my book, but I stopped practicing it. I am taking daily inventory of all the things I can be thankful for. As I do this, other people have been talking about their physical challenges and those of their loved ones. I can honestly say thank you to most of my body for being healthy, where before, I only focused on what wasn't. I am grateful for the peaceful neighborhood I live in.

I also realized that while I was thinking I needed other people to take care of me, that deep down, I needed to be needed by others. I began to take inventory of ways I can be supportive to other people. Reiki and healing prayer while I meditate is the main one. I wanted to stop talking about all the things that were wrong in my life and start listening to others who need someone to talk to and practice compassion. I can feel something shifting inside of me and all around me.

We are exactly where we are supposed to be in any given moment in time. For years I imagined living in an RV. Then when I finally got one, the novelty wore off within a few months. I desperately wanted a different living situation and felt trapped by my circumstances. Then I managed to shift my mindset. I am visualizing this place being a sanctuary for learning and healing. Repairs and solutions worked themselves out a lot better when I stopped stressing out about them.

The more I reach out and learn about life, the more I learn about acceptance. I expected life to be easier.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Notes from the National Pain Foundation (my notes in brackets)

(Personal comments: I modified my diet to what seemed to work for me.. avoiding wheat, dairy, soy & white rice as much as possible. Someone else's ice cream is my occational splurge of white rice/cheese/tortilla. My bowels move faithfully every morning as long as I stick to my 'food list'. I used to avoid exercise so it was a huge hurtle to start with just 5 minutes at a time. I posted the ones I started with. I had to teach myself to fall asleep without a drug. I'm still learning different meditation techniques. I don't have extra $ for the books, CDs, DVD's that are suggested in the articles, so I found the ones that I could get for free. I just started the process of learning how to take care of my emotional health... trying different things like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique.)


Take care of the things you can control:
Part of being an active participant in your care is caring for your body. No one but you can care for your body. Getting adequate rest, eating a healthy diet and engaging in physical activity are vitally important to maintaining function and health. It may seem like a catch-22 – you're in pain, so you don't want to move or you're finally feeling a little better, but you're afraid to move because your pain might come back. Avoiding exercise can be detrimental to your health – you lose muscle tone and strength, your heart and lungs work less efficiently, and your pain can increase. On the other hand, the benefits of incorporating activity into your lifestyle are immeasurable and include increased muscle strength and flexibility, improved sleep, and stress relief.

Following are some suggestions for increasing your activity level:

•Choose exercises that can be incorporated into your daily routine and that you enjoy.
•Set a schedule. (ugggh! me? a schedule?)
•Set appropriate goals. No goal is too small – visiting friends or walking around the block may be appropriate goals, depending on your pain and physical condition.
In addition to a healthy diet and exercise, relaxation techniques such as meditation, visualization, hypnosis, and biofeedback may help you feel better. Your health care provider can help you decide which techniques may be beneficial for you.

Caring for Your Emotional Health: (Can I really learn not to 'suffer?'... SSRI'S resulted in numerous other medical problems which I was subsequently medicated for like anxiety attacks, hot flashes, even more muscle spasms, & even more muscle weakness than I already had.)
The effect emotions and psychosocial well-being have on pain cannot be ignored as emotions have a direct effect on your health. Pain so often is accompanied by loss – loss of function, loss of employment, loss of money, loss of friends and relationships to name just a few – it's no wonder that people in chronic pain have an increased incidence of depression, anxiety, and sleep disturbances. Research has shown that people in chronic pain suffering from depression have poorer outcomes than those who are not depressed. It is natural for people in pain to grieve for what they've lost, and it is important to remember that your family members and friends grieve too. Your emotions may range from fear, anger, denial, disappointment, guilt, and loneliness to hope and optimism. Every person feels different emotions at different times, which can make relationships and pain control difficult.

Avoid isolation and loneliness by joining a support group. There are local support groups that you can attend with people who know what you are experiencing and there are online communities that offer support and understanding. The National Pain Foundation's Community section is a good way to share your story and connect with others online. The American Chronic Pain Association has support groups throughout the country. Contact the ACPA at or (800) 533-3231 to find a group near you.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Ever hear of this theory?

Have a fight with your partner and instead of focussing on the immediate disagreement, you throw everything else in, too? Everything that ever bothered you about the other person?

I do this with illness. When I get sick, I have a tendancy to make EVERYTHING else in my life, wrong, too. I am looking forward to modifying this behavior pattern.

Message of Hope

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolate. 

I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too. My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof.'

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnosis, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking. 

The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with belladonna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.

I need more than prayer. I need more than a church. I need a complete lifestyle adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating?

My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate, and my body will no longer tolerate medication.

I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of freshly juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.  

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Feeling Powerless

This morning, after 3 days of feeling ill, sleeping, & trying to meditate the muscle spasms away, I started to think about how powerless I felt. When my nerves to my legs get fired up and my legs don’t co-operate, I really feel powerless. People assume I am busy when I don’t call, post something on fb or appear at church… I suppose I am… I hibernate during flare-ups while at the same time wishing someone would come over, bring a meal for me, go to the store for me, or take the trash to the dumpster for me.

Now that I have a new computer and internet (thank you so much Roland), I have a new outlet to vent on and look for support. When I manage to come up for ‘air’, and the internet is working, I go googling. Some people go snorkeling. Google is incredible… you can ask it any question you can think of and answers will show up.

Yesterday or the day before I began to google information on Spondylolisthesis… (Which comes first? the pain or the retrovirus kind of thing). I came across a site that explained ‘Muscle Balance Exercises’ (which costs $-almost everything on the internet does). It wasn’t another vitamin or medication or medical treatment. I asked my chiropractor his opinion and he even decided to purchase the program so when it comes in, I can learn some new exercises to try. If they work, I'll post the link on my blog.

This morning I began to use one of my latest learned skills to connect my feeling of being powerless to other events in my life… hoping that if I do this enough times, the events will lose their intensity and their effect on my well-being. When I was a child, I wasn’t allowed to speak my mind if I disagreed… I was afraid of making my father angry (he could lose his temper and slug me)… I went limp when a date or boyfriend forced himself upon me… I agreed to an abortion I did not want to have. Add to that all the illnesses and physical conditions that came with this body I was born into and my limited decision-making skills plus feeling invalidated because no one I knew could relate to what I was going through. I went Googling again.

This morning, I googled ‘feeling powerless in chronic illness’ and came across multiple websites on the topic. Oriah Mountain Dreamer described her experience while attending a self-defense workshop. Her story could just as well have been my own so I didn't have to re-write it. I will need to study what she wrote some more so I can integrate it more fully into my life. She has been my mentor for self-acceptance.

Then I found a piece called “Life Without Depression”  and focused, again, on the words about self-acceptance. I also found a new mentor, Sandy Robinson . She already wrote everything I could possibly write about how I am feeling today so I got a huge dose of validation.

I recalled a comical site that was posted on my fb page about what Moses would have done if he had a laptop and facebook  I could relate. In the midst of life's challenges of every kind, I google, email, write, and work out solutions... at least until the next storm blows in.

While I have not fully recovered from this recent flare-up, at least I have my sense of humor back.   

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I used to only talk to two kinds of people: ones who were strong and healthy, who could not relate in any way to what I was dealing with, and ones who were not dealing and were feeling as hopeless as I was. I didn’t know there was another category until recently… ones who have been afflicted their entire lives, sometimes from birth, and were living positive, happy, constructive lives.

This past week, I’ve been dealing with a flareup. One person I talked to advised me that if doing a load of laundry (elsewhere-don’t have a washer/dryer) feels overwhelming, take one shirt out the door. If I can handle one shirt, get a second shirt, etc. Seems counterproductive, but the concept hit home. If I can take one step, I can take another step. Just focus on the next task and get through one task at a time.

A second person I talked to told me about a skill she had learned when she was getting counseling for  her depression.  Every morning, think of 5 positive things and write them down. Last night, in the midst of hurting all over and still feeling sick with flu-like symptoms, I found a whole page of positive things I can be thankful for:  I am still breathing (did you ever see the movie “Still Breathing”?). My heart is still pumping blood throughout my body. I still have my original knees and hips. My skin is healthy. My organs are healthy. I can hear music and birds sing. I can feel the things that I touch. I still believe in possibilities. I still trust God to deliver me. I know I’ll have days when I feel good (past history proves this). I know God will continue to bring me miracles when I need them (past history proves this). God doesn’t give me any more than I can handle and gives me the strength to handle what I have (past history proves this).  I keep looking at the websites and blogs done by others who are making it in life despite chronic illness and limited abilities … I decided that I can, too.

In regards to the idea of having to move, I remembered the miraculous Exodus’ that God provided to me in the past… such as the one that brought me out to Texas. God told me when to start packing. Months later, I was given a date to leave. When that time came, help was available to pack up my pickup truck with the essentials (I only took what fit in the truck including one of 4 cats. Somehow I had the strength to drive for 3 days (2 nights at motels). When the wheelchair lift fell down (was welded on), it happened near a town where the right person was available to fix it for me. I made it out here.

When the time is right, another Exodus will come. Right now I may be wandering in the deserts of life, but anytime soon, an oasis will appear. Meanwhile, since my legs are not feeling very strong, I will take one step at a time instead of looking out across a vast desert and feeling like I’ll never cross it.
I may not be able to go out walking, but I can still BREATHE. I will try to learn a new skill at home in my bed … basic beginning Yoga which is one step further than meditation. Breathing will most likely bring my body back to life and at some point, I’ll be able to get out my door again. I still have food in my refrigerator, a comfortable place to sleep, beautiful music to listen to, the birds are singing outside…. I got through yesterday, I can get through today.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Broken People

I recently heard on the radio (K-LOVE) and read on a website that God uses broken people to administer to others.

I first became aware that God had bigger plans for me in 1995 when Santa Claus (or an angel) came to me in a dream and told me I had everything I would ever need in life the night I found out my 1st husband had changed the lock on our storage space and I couldn’t get in to get my son’s & my things after we had split up. I rebuilt my life again and we did eventually get our things back.

In 2008, I experienced another mystical experience one morning just before a car accident. I saw 2 “etheric” beings when I was leaving Walmart. (They were not solid like human beings. I had seen these same 2 guides (angels?) years before in a spiritual class to learn how to stop being empathic so I recognized them. On my way home, I took my eyes off the winding road to catch the tote bag on the passenger seat that spilled over. My truck ended up in the ditch. A block of time disappeared between grabbing the bag and ending up in the ditch. One moment I was in a state of despair, the next I felt like God had just told me everything in my life will be OK. I believe those beings wrapped themselves around me to keep me from getting hurt as I did not have a single bruise or scratch and a block of memory was gone. Maybe they even took me out of the truck. I have accute memories of every second in other auto accidents, but not this one. All I felt was a gentle tap as my left shoulder touched the window then every loose item inside came flying at me. The truck was totaled. This was significant because I had been tripping and slipping a lot on the farm where I was living at the time and each time I was injured.

Last July (2010), I heard a voice in my head tell me to go to a Laundromat when I didn’t have to do my own laundry. I met a woman who turned out to be a counselor. After talking to her, I took a leap of faith and stopped taking 11 medications cold turkey. On the 7th day, the withdrawal process was complete. I felt like the Holy Spirit got in, cured me of all my afflictions, and filled me up with a purpose.

Two months later the afflictions came back, along with the side affects of being on anti-depressants, Klonopin, muscle relaxers and pain meds for 15 years. (See blog entry of March 15, 2011)

I have realized that I have survived everything that I was afflicted with. Once again, God has picked me up, brushed me off, and sent me out into the world again, forcing me to grow and evolve. This time, life involves other people.

Some days I have to curl up and stay in bed. Some days I am dormant. Then there are days when I feel adrenaline rushes and feel compelled to go to a specific store or other location at a specific time where all the people I need to talk "just happened" to decide to go at the same time. Or the perfect website will mysteriously appear on my computer screen.

Life is a journey, not a destination. I want to talk to people who have lived long journeys to know what it’s been like for them. I want to stop isolating myself.

Perhaps broken people fall, split into hundreds of pieces so that God can re-assemble them into a new jigsaw puzzle of His creation. After all, God is the creator that brought us into existence to begin with. What does God want to create through me?

For many years I felt helpless and alone. No one seemed to understand me or what I was going through. I searched endlessly for meaning in every aspect of my life, while others were just living and doing. Perhaps I have always been clinically depressed most of the time. More recently, I’ve felt like I am on a non-stop rollercoaster on “Groundhog Day”.

I desire to learn how to find peace in the simple things in life. I don’t like living alone but I need to be alone. When illness and muscle pain flare up, I start to feel helpless and overwhelmed. I know better than to try to figure things out or make changes when I am completely exhausted, and I am trying to break this pattern.

I’ve already moved 41 times since leaving home, so my first reaction is that I need to move again. My tendency is to run away (move) every time my life feels stressful or uncomfortable. Then I feel overwhelmed by the thought of moving. Recently I talked to 3 other women who also have FMS & CFS who have done the same thing. They couldn’t deal with any stress so they up and moved (out of relationships, marriages, misc. living situations, etc.). It’s not just me.

I thought owning a motor home would be a good solution… that when I needed to move, I could move my house. This motor home turned out not to be the solution I thought it would be. It is 27 years old and it would require repairs and much work (along with gas) to get it mobile, not to mention all the packing I would still have to do because I am attached to my nic nacs, books, & projects.

Once again, I must let go and let GOD. I must return to BELIEVING the way I believed 15 years ago when I wrote 'Appearances.'

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Off to the Races

After I stopped taking antidepressants, Klonopin, muscle relaxers, & Hydrocodone cold-turkey (after 15 years), my mind and body went into hyper mode which included two months of euphoria. When the ephoria subsided, my mind started collecting every negative thought I ever thought and sending me crashing into anxiety attacks and tears. If I had indeed “fractured” from all life’s traumas, each of these “personalities” started to fight with each other… and I definitely thought I would lose my mind. However, maybe it would have been a blessing if my mind did get lost for a while.

The opportunity presented itself for a lot of healing. For months, trauma after trauma surfaced… some in gentle waves and some like cyclones. One of my sisters began her training as a Life Coach and I let her use my situation to do her homework assignments. I also participated in a weekly discussion group on the topic of life cycles. Another ingredient was reading a lot of books written by other people who had gone through similar progression from dysfunction to fully functioning people. I found motivational speakers on Facebook, and I am re-learning to express myself with a new vocabulary.

I believe I completed years worth of work in merely six months, but life is a journey, not a destination and, apparently, I am on a very complex one.

I came up with a way to deal with the racing mind thing. I divided my life into several college type classes such as Psychology, Philosophy, Religion, Natural Medicine, Outdoor Living (you get the idea). I trained myself to focus on one “class” at a time. It is not a good idea to be everywhere else but your car when you are driving.

Today is a new day and I live one day at a time. I got through yesterday, I can get through today. No matter how bad it seems, it’s temporary.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Yesterday, the flame on my physical, emotional, mental & spiritual candle burned out. I had no energy, my body began to hurt all over, my muscles tensed, and I fell back into the old pattern of feeling helpless and ashamed of the things I'd done when I was young, along with silent internal rage for having done them. When I get like this, I begin to wonder whether God really exists which is the absolutely the worst state of mind to be in. I got myself to my chiropractor to get neurologically reconnected, then went home to bed. I turned on K-LOVE radio (positive and encouraging) to drown out the self-sabataging inner voices, curled up into the fetal position (to feel safe), wrapped my arms around me (to feel held), and listened to the words on the radio. Since my head and my arms hurt, too, I couldn't hold a book or read inspiring words. I stayed in bed drifting in and out of sleep for about 12 hours, only rising to empty my bladder, or to write something that emerged from my inner voice. Words from the songs made their way into my core such as "if you fall again get back up" and "my sins are gone without a trace". I remembered that although the world may chew me up and spit me out, that God picks me up, brushes me off, and sends me gently back out into the world to try again. I was able to get reconnected. The following day, I came across a Video on YouTube called "A Message of Hope" and "Kim C. Lenard’s Journey" to feed my soul with and added the links to this site. Based on "A Message of Hope", I had connected to the despair of the planet and helped it to reconnect again. I have a tendency to take on the despairs of the world. Can I learn to recognize when I do, meditate love, and release that love back into the Universe?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life..."

It's been five months since I've stopped taking meds. I thought I was cured. When you take SSRI's & other meds for 15 years, they can have the same affects on you as doing hard drugs. I started falling apart. This is my story in prose
In July 2010, I cried out to GOD "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"
No more pain! No more medication! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
I heard a voice in my head say go to the WELLS Laundramat.
This was not one of the hundreds of voices I hear in my head.
I went. Rafi was there and spoke to my heart so I did what she said.
She saw straight through my soul, said I was asleep, it was time to “WAKE UP”.
I wondered what she meant but I had reached the end of my rope and had enough!
I went to her house and she prepared me for what would come
She loaned me “Nine Faces of Christ” to read alone in my room til the process was done.
I read about a fictional Christ who endured endless trials of all kinds.
He kept me company while I endured the withdrawal and thought I would lose my mind.
All those trials prepared him for the Crucifixion and the final rush…
On the seventh day, I felt crucified and got zapped by GOD with a gush.
My brain chemistry shifted. Suddenly, I felt free.
Free of pain, free of anguish; I was energetic, strong and could clearly see.
The earth became my stomping ground after years of staying in bed.
I went out to discover all the people and hear what they said.
I pulled “Appearances” and my poetry out of their boxes,
New books started writing themselves while I detoxes.
I met musicians who played along with songs I’d been writing
And more angels appeared to show me how to make my life exciting.

But God wasn’t finished with me… two months later it all left.
All the sabotaging voices returned to mess up my head.
In “Questions” I had written “I am a seeker, a seeker of truth”
I searched endlessly for every piece of good news.
I began to struggle with money, and every trauma and fear returned.
I got amnesia, I crashed, and couldn’t remember anything I’d learned.
Religious confusion from many sources swarmed in my mind
I searched in all the wrong places (again) for peace I could not find.
I kept meeting more people who each said something I needed to hear
Seemed like post office parking lots were a favorite place for them to appear.
I met doctors of Natural Medicine who suggested alternatives to drugs,
Found out about vitamin deficiencies and started working out the bugs.
I met people who studied biology, psychology, philosophy, and believed in the Lord.
My racing mind tried to process every piece of information - I wasn’t bored.
One person said to reread “Appearances” the book I wrote when I was forty years old…
That the answers were in what I had already written... in the story I already told.
I went to talk to that person again another day searching for more.
He said “you still have a VOID” and I mentally fell through the floor.
I studied "Appearances" and reread all my poems.
I had detached from my soul which is why I had no memory of what I was shown.
I was trying hard to control my own life,
I had gone back to the old patterns of creating my own strife.
I called my soul back and within days of realizing this simple cure
More "angels?" began arriving to usher me through a new door.
A little unexpected money began to appear…
And a Jewish man called upon his Rabbi to declare my worth in a prayer.
It was the second time I was told to read about trusting God in Matthew 6:25-34
I used to know this all so many years ago and more!
Next a woman who majored in Psychology thought I had fractured from all life’s traumas--
If so, no wonder I was experiencing so many drama’s!
Include the traumas I had empathetically collected from my family and peers.
No wonder I was feeling so totally weird!
The next day a Christian woman told me I had taken on the burdens of all the ones I loved…
But Jesus died on the cross for us and it wasn’t my job!
She then said while I had been working frantically to pull all the weeds of despair
I left all the roots to grow back while I cried life wasn’t fair!
She suggested I read: Matthew 6:25-34
and put all my trust in the Lord!
I wish to encapsulate these solutions in a pill I can take
with all the other vitamins I’ve been given to swallow each day.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I am choosing, for now, to live without medication. I have come a very long way in recovering from being sedated for (15?) years, and now I have trouble going to sleep due to pain, discomfort, and a racing mind (no more drugs to sedate me). If I do succeed in falling asleep, my bladder wakes me up and once up, my mind goes off to the races again (a symptom of withdrawal from anti-depressants).

One night recently, I thought about Genesis and how we were created from dust. I thought about what it would have been like for God to breathe life into me and felt my lungs fill with air. Each time I exhaled I released tension in my body. I felt really peaceful doing this and slipped right into sleep. Then I took it a step further. I inhaled the strength of God and exhaled weakness, inhaled the unlimited power of God and exhaled helplessness, and I inhaled health and exhaled illness. If my mind is going to be filled with thoughts, better it be these. I eventually fell asleep.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I have been receiving some fantastic coaching from a student going for her certification. One of the things she told me was that I would not have received my vision without the means for it to happen. I am FEELING what it would be like having all the resources to better my quality of life. I started to remember a few circumstances when FEELING like I already had something was followed by having it even though I did not have $ to purchase it. I once had a Subaru Justy that turned out to be a lemon. While it was in a new shop, the owner let me borrow his Toyota. While I was driving it, I imagined it was already mine. I told the owner how much I really liked it and I ended up owning it with a loan from my employer and I was able to get rid of the Subaru. When Jesse (my only child) was born, I had nothing but a suitcase after walking away from a bad situation. I never lacked for anything. I was so euphoric about my new baby, that anytime I needed something, my sister or my mother found it at a yard sale. When we needed places to live they showed up. The most recent? I was using someone else’s new laptop computer, imagining that it was mine, and suddenly I had one… given to me as a present. Between coaching and Lynn Grabhorn’s book “Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting”, I believe I finally identified why I still have practically nothing…. So it’s time for me to get back into major day-dreaming mode (used to do this a lot when I was a kid) and allow abundance to flow into my life.  It’s time for me to TRUST GOD WILL PROVIDE in ways beyond my wildest imagination. It’s time for me to change my vocabulary from what I don’t have and what I don’t want to speaking as though I already have it. It's time for me to practice what someone told me a couple of years ago “be careful what you speak into existence”.

Friday, February 18, 2011


I had my annual physical on January 17. It's been 6 months since I've stopped taking the meds (SSRI's, Klonopin, muscle relaxers, hydrocodone & more), and modified my diet. At this point I feel like I am doing pretty well. My cholesterol levels appear to be tolerable, and my blood sugar is only a little bit high. I realized that without the meds, I no longer have dry eyes, a dry sticky mouth, dry lips, balance impairment (I know where my feet are now in relation to the ground), esophageal reflux, irritable bowels, constipation, bladder trouble, and I dropped back to my good weight. I don’t know what I would do without Liderderm patches, topical sprays, along with my TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator) which helps to short circuit pain caused by nerve compression in my neck, shoulders, right arm, and lower back. Occasionally I won’t bother putting it on and I experience way more pain than what I can deal with… the kind that drove me to medicate to begin with. I still must get into some kind of exercise routine. I realized one day last month that I toted my briefcase, heavy purse, and a backpack of food into my house without even thinking about it! I haven’t felt this strong since my son was a month old and I gave up my car to walk and bike everywhere! I got stronger by carrying him around from infancy (in front packs and backpacks), too. I try to focus on the 2 months of painfree endless energy. Before going to sleep, I try to remember to thank all my body parts for supporting me all day. Then I focus on my breath, mentally elavate my spirit to remove myself from the pain so I can fall asleep.