Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Feeling Powerless

This morning, after 3 days of feeling ill, sleeping, & trying to meditate the muscle spasms away, I started to think about how powerless I felt. When my nerves to my legs get fired up and my legs don’t co-operate, I really feel powerless. People assume I am busy when I don’t call, post something on fb or appear at church… I suppose I am… I hibernate during flare-ups while at the same time wishing someone would come over, bring a meal for me, go to the store for me, or take the trash to the dumpster for me.

Now that I have a new computer and internet (thank you so much Roland), I have a new outlet to vent on and look for support. When I manage to come up for ‘air’, and the internet is working, I go googling. Some people go snorkeling. Google is incredible… you can ask it any question you can think of and answers will show up.

Yesterday or the day before I began to google information on Spondylolisthesis… (Which comes first? the pain or the retrovirus kind of thing). I came across a site that explained ‘Muscle Balance Exercises’ (which costs $-almost everything on the internet does). It wasn’t another vitamin or medication or medical treatment. I asked my chiropractor his opinion and he even decided to purchase the program so when it comes in, I can learn some new exercises to try. If they work, I'll post the link on my blog.

This morning I began to use one of my latest learned skills to connect my feeling of being powerless to other events in my life… hoping that if I do this enough times, the events will lose their intensity and their effect on my well-being. When I was a child, I wasn’t allowed to speak my mind if I disagreed… I was afraid of making my father angry (he could lose his temper and slug me)… I went limp when a date or boyfriend forced himself upon me… I agreed to an abortion I did not want to have. Add to that all the illnesses and physical conditions that came with this body I was born into and my limited decision-making skills plus feeling invalidated because no one I knew could relate to what I was going through. I went Googling again.

This morning, I googled ‘feeling powerless in chronic illness’ and came across multiple websites on the topic. Oriah Mountain Dreamer described her experience while attending a self-defense workshop. Her story could just as well have been my own so I didn't have to re-write it. I will need to study what she wrote some more so I can integrate it more fully into my life. She has been my mentor for self-acceptance.

Then I found a piece called “Life Without Depression”  and focused, again, on the words about self-acceptance. I also found a new mentor, Sandy Robinson . She already wrote everything I could possibly write about how I am feeling today so I got a huge dose of validation.

I recalled a comical site that was posted on my fb page about what Moses would have done if he had a laptop and facebook  I could relate. In the midst of life's challenges of every kind, I google, email, write, and work out solutions... at least until the next storm blows in.

While I have not fully recovered from this recent flare-up, at least I have my sense of humor back.   

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