Friday, June 3, 2011

Working on My Emotions

I continue to do research on the spiritual and emotional connections to illness and pain, and cling to the possibility that I can transform years of believing I could not heal to believing I CAN heal. This is no simple task. Believing in the possibility is my first step.

How was it that certain people can heal themselves of something as deadly as cancer? I now know personally two people who have. I used to believe I couldn't be healed of my afflictions (Dad died having his), yet I am well aware of many emotional issues that are still creating havoc for me (such as fear and anger turned inward).

Part of my journey is learning to be patient for the healing process while holding onto the expectation that the healing will come. Cuts and bruises heal by themselves. Emotional pain is so much more complex. I've met more people with deep emotional wounds and try to put my own wounds into perspective. A wound is a wound.

What makes them able to live 'normal' lives while I find it so hard to? At least I am shifting from self-pity to a sense of possibility of something different... like little ways to become empowered.

Yesterday, I decided to find a way to release some anger. Nice people don't get angry. Spiritual people don't get angry... they forgive... but the anger was still feeling like a dead weight inside of me... and seemed to hit me across the back of my waist in the form of a muscle spasm.

I once gave a pillow to my son to take out his frustrations on so he wouldn't attack me. How many years has it been since I allowed myself a little release?

I haven't been able to exercise, walk fast or run for many years and have often felt like a penned up racehorse of negative emotions. I took a long piece of foam tubing used to insulate pipes and starting to hit the side of my shelves with it... 'I'm angry at .....!' was soon followed by a short bout of tears. I don't remember when I last cried. And then I watched the anger I had about that situation evaporate and felt better. I don't have the means for all the extensive therapy that may or may not help me... I have to learn how to do it for myself... and because I decided I wanted to get better.  

I seek, I investigate, I look for answers anywhere I may find them... in books, psychology, various religions, and talking to other people. I acknowledge that I am obsessed with getting well (a switch from being obsessed with being sick and in pain)... and accepting where I am today as a result of the choices I made. I also have to go further than this and trust that God will bring me something new and improved at the right time.

I am putting myself out on a limb by sharing this journey with you because I want to prove to myself and to you that healing can really happen. I am told that I have been able to experience feeling great for a few months... and that it will happen again. I have decided to be thankful for the place I live and make it a sanctuary instead of a prison. I must find peace in the battleground of my mind.

Today, I found the following three web pages on the emotional connections of illness... both Christian and non-Christian viewpoints along with more information on EFT. These are the sites:

If you are reading this blog and know of other helpful sites to recommend, please let me know.

I haven't had a cold or the flu in years... is this just because I truly believe that I don't get them? I have stated that I don't numerous times... can I truly believe I "don't" get muscle spasms?

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