Bipolar: My Extremes

About two weeks ago, I experienced a manic high idea explosion, not for the first time. When these occur, ideas (thoughts) race so quickly, I am unable to sit and be with any one of them long enough to take action. I also have flash visions of my completing them all. Maybe I have in an alternate life.

Due to memory issues, I'm sure I've written all these ideas down somewhere before, but who knows where. I've saved I think thousands of digital files in both downloads and on Pinterest.

I Googled "manic high idea explosion" and once again, (I do remember finding this before), I came across bipolar. My highs are "less than fully manic" -- known as the term "hypomanic."

"During an early manic phase of a bipolar condition, a person may become highly energetic, have a million ideas, become very talkative, stay up all night, ... and become very productive."

Hey, at least this statement puts a number on all the ideas I feel like I have. A million!

Plus, there is a marked "increase in goal-directed activity (purposeful behavior)" and sometimes,  "physical agitation." For the agitation, if I remember to do so, I will start Tapping (EFT) and use some essential oils.

For three days in a row, I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. One of the known symptoms is "reduced sleep needs compared to normal." At least I know it won't last three months straight like it did in 2010.

I like this description: subjective sensation of racing thoughts (often called a "flight of ideas"). Yes, to a flight of ideas... they fly by at what feels like the speed of light.

I just ordered a blend of essential oils to help me focus. This next one describes my experience to a T: "distraction or derailment of thought occurring significantly more often than normal".

I'm sure you all know what happens when bipolar swings the opposite direction. Fibromyalgia can do the same thing. Two big ones for me are: "Finding it hard to make even simple decisions" and "feeling extremely tired." And when I am extremely tired aka fatigued, I don't feel like doing much of anything.

At the very worst, I have felt completely hopeless, inadequate, abandoned, and yes, twice that I can remember, I've considered ending my life.

Most recently, Abraham-Hicks came to the rescue by explaining that we all WANTED to incarnate in physical bodies here on earth because we desired to experience the creative process of manifestation with the power of our thoughts and emotions. If we end our lives, we will make the same decision all over again to come back for more. The key is to find FUN in as many activities as we can which will ALLOW the magic to happen. (Law of Allowing.) And if we find ourselves in a funk, climb up the emotional guidance scale one step at a time.

OK. I must admit that I have managed to manifest some amazing things, people, and situations in my life. Perhaps I decided this time to put a bit of spice on the process by experiencing bipolar episodes.

In the meantime, one of many books I've collected over time called my name as I looked at the bookshelf in the hallway. I must have had a feeling I would need it when I found it. And part of manifesting is divine timing.

Optimizing Brain Fitness by Professor Richard Restak is a transcript book from one of The Great Courses. I didn't have to read very far to find what I am challenged with:

"Just as an athlete cannot perform optimally without endurance, you cannot expect to achieve a superpower brain without being able to laser focus your mental energies. In order to do this, you must successfully manage 2 key factors in our current culture: distraction and multitasking."

Distraction? Multitasking? All day, every day! We live in a crazy, overwhelming time when information overload is intensified by social media.

Have no fear... on page 4, I found hope.

"Let's look briefly at 3 of the important functions we'll explore in this course. The first is attention, which means focusing the mind on one thing at a time."

I feel a sense of excitement at the prospect of learning how to focus on one thing at a time. :-) I also wonder whether it is at all possible.

Perhaps, I wanted more than the ability to create. Perhaps I yearned for knowledge. Each time I stumble upon something I am interested in learning, I feel inspired.

Oh, yes, I also want to learn how to read music, draw, create digital art (with a drawing pad that connects to a computer), and I want to do it all at the same time. Haha... good old hypomania!

Author Connections: Can't I Write Off My Expenses?

Are you writing a book? Do you have one or more books that you self-published on your own? Are you hopeful that you will sell a LOT of books and make a LOT of money as an author? I really thought this would happen for me back in 2010. But it didn't. At first, I felt discouraged. Then...

I listened to a number of book marketing webinars, courses, read articles, and more. While I still felt discouraged, I also realized I had unrealistic expectations. Yes, my books are available on Amazon, but so are millions of other books.

I found out that very few authors earn more than $100 a year in book sales... unless one or more of the following exists:

1. You have a coaching or other business/profession, and your book relates to your coaching or business/profession.
2. You are often invited to speak at events and sell books at these speaking events.
3. You create a course based on your book (and have buyers).
4. You have a network of people who have a huge mailing list (email) and support you by (emailing) everyone on their list about your book.
5. You are already famous.
6. You meet someone who is famous and loves your book.
7. You are good at marketing or you have the budget to hire a publicist.
8. A movie producer wants to invest in turning your book into a movie or TV show.

Even if you have one of the above, the costs involved in getting your book into print may far exceed what you will ever get in sales. Think going to concerts, ballets, out to eat, decorating your home, and shopping for clothes you will only wear once. It is best to invest in your book as an experience without getting caught up in the money aspect of it all.

Since I started out on my author journey, here's what I have learned.

1. Don't make your books about money. Make them an AVENUE TO REWARDING EXPERIENCES AND CONNECTIONS. 

I have met many wonderful people at local author events, some of who have become friends. If I felt up to traveling, I could participate in many more. I talk to other authors, and we share information among each other that can be of benefit to either us or someone else. I've learned about all the different publishing companies who took thousands of their dollars to get their book into print. I have met writers who are thirsty to get their book published but don't know how or where to begin. It feels good to pass information onto them.

2. Unless you make a profit within five years of publishing (after all your expenses), the IRS determines this as a hobby. 

Tax Guidelines for Book Authors

You can't just buy a new computer, software, and printer with the hope you can write it off on your taxes. The same applies to paying for editing and other services. By all means, save all your receipts just in case you DO sell a lot of books. If you have a regular accountant or tax preparer, you can get more information from them.

Think of someone who loves to knit or crochet and buys yarn, totes, hooks, books, and more. Think about the artist who invests in canvases, paints, brushes, and other supplies. Maybe the artist loves digital, so they invest in a computer, software, and a drawing pad. Think of someone who loves photography and buys a new camera, lenses, tripod, computer, software, and more. Same with quilting (think buying an expensive loom, quilting machine, and many different pieces of fabric) and wood-working (buying all the tools), etc. In the meantime, you make gifts for family and friends. Maybe you sell some of it on Etsy or at local markets. You meet other people with similar interests and make new friends.

I found an art gallery and framing business in the next city that holds an event on the first Friday of every month. At each event, an artist or two is featured. On the same night, there may be a photographer, author, and musician. I look forward to mingling with all the talented, inspirational people. I make new rewarding connections and enjoy being around a lot of creative people. And yes, if I felt up to traveling, I'd participate in many more events.

There are many writers conferences being offered -- some that also have agents. You will pay to go to these, and travel is often required. Think vacation. If you were to go to Hawaii, you'd pay for airfare, hotel, restaurants, a rental car, taxi service, etc. You go for the education and experience.

A note on agents: publishing companies want what is popular. Agents may like your book but expect you to rewrite it according to what publishing companies want. I listened to a local author speak about her experience with agents. After rewriting numerous books according to agents' instructions, she finally found a publishing company who accepted her book the way she wrote it.

Write because it is fulfilling like an artist paints for fulfillment. Yes, there are some artists just like authors who made it to fame.

Keep creating. Keep dreaming. Keep networking.

The Relationship Between Trauma and Resilience

I am curious. Did you play in competitive sports when you were in school? Did you ever get hurt? I bet when you did, you got right back up into the playing field again.

Some kids play in competitive sports from the time they are really little. They get pushed, shoved, hit, thrown, get bruised, break bones – and get right back up and play again. I wasn't one of them.

Maybe you were like me – one of the kids who was bullied in school, had an older sibling who intimidated you, and a father who assaulted you with degrading words, so you grew up feeling worthless. I was traumatized each time I got hurt physically or emotionally.

One time, I was riding my older sister's big bike when no one was looking. I didn't know the brakes didn't work and couldn't slow down when I came down the hill and turned the corner, making friends with the stone wall. I sprained both my wrists in addition to the other scrapes and bruises the bike and the wall decorated my body with. I'm sure I suffered emotional wounds as well.

When I was 21, I dozed at the wheel and opened my eyes just in time to see the parked car I was about to crash into. My Fiat folded like an accordion and I sustained a whiplash, concussion, and a lot of bruises – especially where the seat belt was – across my chest and hips. A 19-year-old boy I was infatuated with had just broken up with me, so this emotional trauma was layered on top of the physical injuries.

When I was 36, I lost control of my Toyota and jackknifed sideward into a bus bench that was cemented into the ground after a lady driving a Mercedes clipped the back, right corner. I couldn’t walk for months. At the time I had this accident, I was an emotional mess in the midst of a volatile relationship with a narcissist. Once again, trauma was layered on top of physical injuries.

It seemed like the injuries I collected never healed, which contributed to the chronic pain condition the doctors diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. They were very generous with all the drugs they prescribed to me, and by the time I was 43, I couldn’t work anymore and found myself on permanent disability.

When I joined Killeen Toastmasters in July of 2015 at the ripe old age of 59, I began to get a different kind of education. I heard stories from fellow members about all the adversities they’d faced and how they were dealing with them…especially from Tim. And I couldn’t use the excuse that I am a female because I met women like Anca, who was a professional boxer, and Rolana and Delsina who were in the army. I began to wonder… what do they have that I don’t?

Some people become firefighters, police officers, first responders, go skydiving, skiing, go bull riding, go into the military, and volunteer for rescue missions. They face danger, get hurt, recover, and go face the danger again. I wanted to know HOW.

I began to do some research, found some books, and I believe I finally figured it out. It’s the relationship between Trauma and Resilience.

In Dr. Peter Levine’s book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, I learned that trauma, especially in early childhood, programs your brain and nervous system to stay in survival mode – always on alert – because you never feel safe. Because of this, you don't get the rest and repair cycles you need to heal.

I found data showing that most people who have had adverse childhood experiences, also known as ACE, develop autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, adrenal fatigue, depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

I found an ACE questionnaire online. I scored 8 out of 10. Here's the link to the quiz so you can take it yourself:

ACE Questionnaire -- Finding Your ACE Score

I found out I am not alone when it comes to ACE. People who have suffered from ACE become afraid of everything. Fear attracts more situations to be afraid of – like the abusive relationships I blindly walked into. It makes you jumpy because your adrenals are constantly being ignited – and rarely for any good reason. 

On the US Dept of Health & Human Services website, Substance and Mental Health Services Administration, I found: “Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) are stressful or traumatic events, including abuse and neglect. They may also include household dysfunction such as witnessing domestic violence or growing up with family members who have substance use disorders. ACE are strongly related to the development and prevalence of a wide range of health problems throughout a person’s lifespan, including those associated with substance misuse.”

Sam Goldstein, Ph. D. wrote: “Resilience explains why some children overcome seemingly overwhelming obstacles while others become victims of their early experiences and environments.”

On MindTools.com in an article on Developing Resilience, I found: “Resilience (or resiliency) is our ability to adapt and bounce back when things don't go as planned. Resilient people don't wallow or dwell on failures; they acknowledge the situation, learn from their mistakes, and then move forward.”

I've been making some progress – investigating ACE and watching for ANTs around fear (automatic negative thoughts). The main ones are convincing my brain that the pain in my body is not dangerous – which in my case it isn't – and developing a sense of safety and self-regulation. I am easily triggered into a PTSD reaction with my heart pounding, back spasms, and exhaustion. I hope to find a way to regulate my nervous system in the near future to stop the vicious cycle of fight or flight so my body can rest and repair itself.

In conclusion, if you're like me, dealing with PTSD, fear, auto-immune disease and/or chronic pain, look into ACE and Resilience. You may be surprised what you learn about yourself, the people you grew up with, and the people you know now.

Bee

For the past number of months, there is often a solo bee that flies really close to me yet not quite landing on me. I was feeling a bit unnerved. After all, I had been stung by a bee when I was a little girl.

'It' was at the Walmart parking lot -- several different days, even to the point of trying to join me in my car. However, I didn't want it to be inside the car with me, and I had a hard time getting it to go away. 

When I got home, 'It' was there again waiting for me. What on earth? 

'It' was also in the parking lot of other stores I recently visited as well as a restaurant. 

What about me was attracting bees? 

'It' was really close several different days when I was riding my mobility scooter outside, down to the community room of my apartment complex... and wouldn't go away. 

'It' is either flying around my front door or my back door. 

'It' is always alone. 

I began to think it was the same one appearing everywhere as it is the same size. 

I began to wonder... this seems to be more than coincidence... 

I Googled the metaphysical meaning of a bee. Look what I found! This is so trippy! 

Now if I can accept 'It' wanting to be practically on my body and stop being afraid that it will sting me... maybe it is the same one and just wants to be my pet. If it is the same one, it teleports from one location to another. 

I know a few bee-keepers in town.

If you're interested in reading more, click on the link below.

https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/spirit-totem-power-animal-meanings/insects/bee-symbolism-meaning/

Key points I want to remember:

• Level of productivity - finding balance.
• Moving past limitations (Bees can't aerodynamically fly.)
• Pollination symbolizes social nature.
• Bee people often become motivational speakers, teachers, healer, and lightworkers.
• The honeycomb represents Heart Chakra.
• Strong protector.
• Take inventory regarding responsibilities.
• Master of Miracles.
• Emblem of persistence, industry, communication, teamwork, and fruitfulness.
• Amazing builders: call on when in need of help with the architecture of your life and career.

New Release!

In 2005, Just before I turned 50, I found out I had Grade 2 Spondylolisthesis at L5-S1 which had been the source of most of the discomfort, pain, and problems I had with my back, hips, knees, and legs over the years. To date, I haven't had surgery. It is now 2018. I've been researching, studying, reading, taking classes, watching pain summits, listening to interviews by specialists, and putting into practice all that I've learned in pursuit of becoming my own advocate. I cover the multi-faceted topics I have learned and put into practice in memoir-style narration to serve as my personal survival guide as well as a book that others who have spondy can read and relate to. Photos included.

Buy on Amazon

Notes inspired by doing Word-Finds

Sometimes words not listed as options appear. (Sometimes you will find your answers when you least expect to in unexpected ways.)

If you can’t find a word from the first letter to the last, try looking from last to first or from one of the middle options. (Sometimes the solution to a problem is found when you look at it at another angle.)

Everything changes including moods. (I must become OK with the crazy fluctuations in my moods vs. expecting consistency. Nothing in this world is constant. Change is a fact of life... regardless of how difficult it is for me to accept.)

All the answers can eventually be found… sometimes you have to look away for a while and then look back again. Everything I need to solve this problem is on this page. (Self-explanatory.)

Sometimes what you think is a word turns out to be something else--a different word entirely. (Question your assumptions.)

When you stop trying so hard to find a word and put the book down or look away, the answer appears when you look at it again. (If something seems hard, put it down for a while, and give your brain a rest. Then look into it again.)

When you’re tired, it’s much more difficult to find what you’re looking for. (It's impossible for me to do anything when I'm tired... including Word-Finds.)

Some letters are easier to find than others. (Some solutions are easier to find than others.)

Do you do Word-Find puzzles? Can you think of something else besides what I've listed here?

Preface of Love, Life, & God: Getting Past the Pain

On February 15, 2012, (I was 56), I met a man I will refer to as Wayne, as he wishes to remain anonymous. We were both looking for an available check-out line at the grocery store. When he commented that the situation was as bad as being stuck in traffic on the Mopac and the 35, I knew he was talking about Austin, where I had lived back in 1997. I swung around with a sense of excitement, and asked: “you were in Austin?” He replied that he had been working there. I had to know where. He said a recording studio. BINGO. I retained him in lengthy conversation which continued in the lobby and out in the parking lot. He had someplace else he needed to go, so we exchanged phone numbers. Later I texted something in the line of “did I tell you I write songs?” He ended up coming to where I lived to see the guitar I had and listened to a couple of my songs. It turned out that he had played in several bands and had lots of experience in the music industry as a songwriter, musician, and a sound engineer. It was a life-changing event for me.

You see, at the time I met him, I was just starting to recover from falling into what one of my Facebook friends referred to as “THE BLACK HOLE”—a state of severe depression which included feeling completely hopeless and abandoned. My self-esteem had shattered. Memories of past traumatic events had re-surfaced and I had been feeling an odd sense of detachment and amnesia. All of this started about six months after doing a very dangerous thing. In July 2010, after being told “YOU‘RE ASLEEP—IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP,” I stopped taking the 11 medications I had been prescribed by my doctors cold turkey. I did it at home, alone. The withdrawal was wicked and lasted about six days.

When it was over, I experienced one of the most exciting time periods of my life, after receiving my ‘life instructions,’ which included writing… books, songs, poetry, etc. Barely six months later, I began to experience ‘crashes,’ PTSD, anxiety attacks and depression because I really DID need to stay on a few of those medications. But I’ll tell you more about that later. I knew I needed psychological counseling. However, because I was on Medicare, the free clinic here in town declined me. At the clinic that DID accept Medicare, the sizable co-pays were more than what I could afford and I wouldn’t have money for gas to get there and back. I wasn’t willing to add financial debt to the stress I was already dealing with.

My son still lived in California and was to get married on March 25, (2012). I felt too emotionally, mentally, and physically messed up to go. Then I flat out told God (and I don’t know why sometimes I get what I tell him I need and other times I don’t) “IF YOU WANT ME TO GO, SEND SOMEONE TO HELP ME AND GIVE ME A REASON TO COME BACK!!!!”

That’s when Wayne showed up. At first, I was a bit shocked. Did God just send someone to help me? One of the first days he visited, I was about to go for a walk so I invited him to join me. During that walk, he pulled up a pant leg to show me the tattoo of a Scorpion. My first reaction to seeing it was that we were destined to meet because that Scorpion is my astrological sign. It was also his deceased father’s. It was as though he had shown up as a guide to direct me back onto the life path I had been given just after I went through the withdrawal.

Wayne remained in my life until the following year, helping me to remember who I was before I developed that strange sense of amnesia. He raved about my poetry, songwriting, and talent, helping me to gain a renewed sense of courage to step forward into life again as though emerging from a state of hibernation. He continuously told me both verbally and in texts things such as: “you’re a beautiful soul,” “you’re caring, considerate,” “you’re a positive energy,” “you’re a decent honest person,” “you’re extremely talented,” “you’re sweet and thoughtful,” “you have an awesome, unique sense of humor,” “you always have interesting things to talk about,” and after he read my book, Appearances: A Journey of Self-Discovery, he told me that “the poetry is outstanding, precious, and phenomenal.” I believed him. He helped me to get stronger in many different ways AND he gave me a lot of reasons to come back.

Metaphorically, Wayne planted flowers I didn’t know existed in the mental/emotional garden I thought I had already cultivated. I was also able to get closure on the last 16 years of my life to enter into a new one. And it was time to write this book, Part II of my life story.

This book is available in Paperback, Kindle, and Audible.

 Click here to buy this book on Amazon.