Facelift--A New Beginning

I just figured out how to transform the previous blog into the new 'face' I wanted. 'Renee Alter's Atmosphere' was the website I had for about a year. I really liked all the things I could do with Google's blog... however, I had posted a LOT of things on a blog I originally titled 'Pebbles in the Sand.' 

With the addition of my music, I wanted to retain the 'Atmosphere' I had on the website, which I did not renew. Why pay for something that I didn't need? I found out that Amazon has free author pages, so I created one. I found out Reverbnation didn't charge to make your songs available for people to listen to and purchase. I found out that Facebook has free 'fan' pages, so I created one of those, too.

I love when a book I need magically appears! 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns included 10 thinking errors. I was guided to keep track of my thoughts, identify which thinking error applied to them, and to rephrase/reframe them. I didn't have to see a psychologist, after all. (If you've been keeping track of my progress, you know that I tried to find one to help me while I was going through a really harsh period.)

'Love, Life, & God; Getting Past the Pain' got quite a few facelifts, too. As a result, I have quite a few paper copies (11) of older versions. I am at a loss as to what to do with them. I am not trying to figure out how to reformat the book for Kindle. CreateSpace raised their price to do this for you to $79, which I don't currently have. I found a wonderful group on facebook called 'Tom Winton, Authors Helping Authors' and I am now happily connected to other authors.

I am socially satisfied, too. I now have many wonderful Facebook friends, I'm still volunteering at the County Chamber of Commerce office, I play with a group of other acoustic guitar players on Tuesday nights, and one of the newcomers moved to two minutes away from me. At my apartment complex, I participate in monthly potlucks, monthly birthday parties, and bingo (at both events). The longer I've lived here, the stronger the bonds become with my neighbors. I've got Skype now... and after using it to talk to one of my sisters (it really felt like I was there), I look forward to doing this with other family members.

I found a book titled 'Focusing the Whole Brain' with documentation of using 'Hemi-Sync' to ease a variety of afflictions ... including pain. I purchased the first CD and have been listening to it every night for a week now. The CD helps me to relax, fall asleep, get back to sleep when I wake up to use the bathroom, I've been recalling extremely interesting dreams, and most of all, while listening to it, I am able to detach from the pain in my body. Their website is: Hemi-Sync.com. When you get all the stages of a good night of sleep, depression and pain no longer overwhelm you.

I also found a book titled 'Financial Peace' by Dave Ramsey. I thought... if only I could take one of his classes. Here it is a month later, and I discovered there was a class starting here in my tiny town. I want Financial Peace ... and I want to be prepared for the possibility of becoming wealthier ... by learning everything there is about how to handle money that you are blessed with.

The dots of my life continue to connect in awesome ways... in the way of meeting the right people, finding the right books, and having the events that I hope for appear for me. The good days are outweighing the bad now. Now I need to buckle down and get back into a routine of exercising on a regular basis. I slacked off. And I ate way too much sugar...

With Springtime Comes Music

Managing a chronic health challenge or two is a LOT of work when you do what you are supposed to do (like exercise, eat right, and avoid isolation) and so is all the paperwork involved in being on disability, if you are one of many who are on it. Trying to stay motivated to exercise regularly, including walking, and cooking nutritious meals, and budgeting right down to the penny is my primary 'job'. There is also the budgeting of time and energy. Yes, it is a LOT of work managing a chronic health challenge, especially when you are trying to do it alone. Maybe you are a caretaker, taking responsibility for another who is likewise challenged.

If you know me pretty well, you know that I've made my 2nd 'job' with music and writing. This involves way more than the art itself when you are interested in sharing and inspiring others with your art. There is a lot of business transactions to figure out and much to learn when you can't just hire the experts in the fields to do it all for you. I am going to try to remember that consistent WORK will be necessary in doing what it takes to promote my art .. one that I had not taken seriously for most of my life -- and that it won't always be 'FUN'. Somewhere in the mix of it all, I have to include time to CREATE new work. All work and no play is not a good thing. Technology can make many things a lot more frustrating and complicated in many ways, and so can lack of having the latest gadgets which make many tasks easier. But after I get it all figured out, I'll be able to teach other people (perhaps you?) how to do what I am learning how to do. I finally got the copyright filed on 27 songs and an album submitted electronically to CDBaby. And if you didn't have a chance to check it out, one more book self-published. It didn't take a whole lot of money to do these things, which I don't have right and hope to improve, with my art.

I don't know if you like 'folk-contemporary' music you haven't heard before, but if you do, you can go to the following link and click on the last line to 'preview all songs'. http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/reneealter

I posted the link for my books in several places to CreateSpace (because it pays me a higher commission ... just being honest), however if you prefer Amazon, here is the link for them. Only one of my books so far is available on Kindle ... another project is learning how to do the conversion myself as well. http://www.amazon.com/author/reneealter

I've also created an author page with facebook. Part of the reason I am sharing my progress is so that if you are an artist, too, you can follow in my footsteps. www.facebook.com/reneealtersatmosphere

Personal comments are always welcome ... I enjoy hearing from each and every one of you as much as I enjoy sharing.

Happy New Year!

It's January 2013, and a great start for a new year. I just finished the major draft of 'Love, Life, and God: Getting Past the Pain'. I found a website with online Pain Management -- http://pain.goalistics.com. Someone I know showed me an article in January's Reader's Digest about a gadget she invented which was instrumental in the miraculous recovery of her daughter --http://neurolumen.com. Maybe it can help me, too.

The Annual Local Author's Fest is coming up on the 19th at our library. When I stopped by there earlier this week, I saw that 15 authors will be there this year (including me) and all our books are on display as you walk in the door. As I walked over to the counter to ask a question, a bright PINK book with yellow letters caught my attention: 'Younger Next Year for Women' by Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge, M.D. which was exactly the book I needed to read. 

After I got my DexaScan, the doctor's office called me and told me I needed to go see an Oncologist to get Prolia Injections. I had panicked. Why did I have to go see an Oncologist? A CANCER doctor? Two days later, I found out that this doctor was the only one approved by Medicare and other types of insurance to get these injections, WHICH WERE FOR OSTEOPOROSIS and that I didn't have cancer. But I was also filled with fear about what my future would be like if my bones don't hold up. 

But this pink book I found has the answer. The title is 'Younger NEXT Year' because you are supposed to start exercising, both weight lifting and aerobics, slowly and gradually, working your way up... that weight lifting was the only thing that would strengthen your bones and keep them from decaying. I had always done too much too fast, then quit, because I was in too much pain. This PINK book says we all have to get old, but we don't have to ROT. And it is not just another FAD diet with expensive supplements that most of us cannot afford. And on the aerobics end, you just had to get your heart rate up to a specific point, which I do just prancing around my apartment while reading books and talking on my cell phone.

And are you a Facebook addict? I am. I have 'liked' so many pages that it takes hours every day to go through them all. It keeps me busy when I have little else to do. I tore myself away for awhile to finish writing my book (Love, Life, & God), allowing just 30 minutes a day to jump in, check on my son, pregnant daughter-in-law and a couple of other people, and jump out. I finished the book about the 1st of January (didn't win the non-fiction contest, but I am fine with that--I had more to add to it). 

While I was waiting for the proof to come in the mail, I dove into Facebook to organize all my 'liked' pages after I organized all the emails I got into folders because I don't have time to read them all now. A lot of them are newsletters of all sorts I've subscribed to. I'm a fanatic about being organized. I figured out that you can organize all your 'liked' pages into file folders called 'interests.' While I was doing this, I saw the little word 'group' below my interest list. I am just a poor girl trying to get by on a not so big fixed income (for now), so finding out I could create a group in my free Facebook page is a big deal for me. I wanted to create a 'Pain Support Group' of people I know locally and from Facebook who deal with chronic discouraging pain, like I do. We don't have a Pain Support Group in my area so I wanted to form one. If you are on Facebook and you want to be included in this group, let me know!

I am feeling incredibly inspired and motivated! This is what gets me through a day with a hard to live in body. I feel encouraged about knowing that back in February, I could not walk very far or very fast. I feel encouraged at how much stronger I've become by doing my therapy ball exercises consistently. I've succeeded in shifting my way of thinking from 'I can't do it' to 'I can' -- to learn how to train like an athlete (on a much smaller scale). Having my own place has cured so many things: giving me the space to exercise and do/organize all the projects I managed to start. Hope I can keep up the pace!!!!

Victorious Landmarks

I have so many victories to report... especially things I am grateful for. 

For starters, my book 'Love, Life, and God' was not one of the winners of that non-fiction writing contest, however, I remain in full control of HOW it is written and when it will be available for sale. Thus, I am extremely grateful. 

I succeeded in creating a beautiful website with HostBaby: (www.reneealtersatmosphere.com).

I performed on October 13 at the Herb & Art Festival with confidence... as if I've been performing my entire life. I even remembered all the words to the songs I performed in addition to remembering the chords I'm supposed to strum while I sing them. 

I have settled into my beautiful apartment & have made friends with all my neighbors. I continue to accomplish the daily tasks of living (on my own) despite days of extreme pain. I put my electric power chair up for sale, feeling confident that I won't be needing it again. It now sits in my apartment waiting for the right person to come along who wants to buy it. Every time I look at it, I am grateful that I do not need it anymore. 

Pain Specialists of Austin opened a new clinic in one of my neighboring cities. Now I can start getting trigger point injections again... just in time for the cold weather which is blowing in. I am grateful that I have arthritis & Fibromyalgia instead of Lupus & MS which was initially suspected by my doctors. 

EMPI, the company I got my TENS from, have additional items available: a carrying case for the TENS, the belt that holds it, & a lower back strap that includes 4 fabric electrodes... just in time for the cold weather that is blowing in. The woman who takes my orders at EMPI every month has become one of my friends... and I found out she wears a TENS, also, on her lower back just like I do. 

I decided to do a presentation on the topic of "HOW TO WRITE & SELF-PUBLISH A BOOK FOR PRACTICALLY NOTHING" after I met a number of people who told me they wanted to write a book, too, BUT... so I will start to give classes on how to do all the things I've learned how to do during my downtime of which I have lots. 

I hope to be able to earn some extra money to pay for the additional medical expenses I will incur to control the pain that lives in my body. 

I will feel empowered in addition to feeling like I have meaning & purpose in my life... a necessity so I can push myself through pain. 

I got the x-ray results back from films that were taken 2 weeks ago for Pain Specialists of Austin. I really hoped I'd see improvement... but the situation has gotten worse. But I won't think about it much. I refuse. For now, I will create--create--create. Then as I grow older, weaker, & less able, I will still be able to do 2 of my favorite things: write & talk to people. 

I'll have things they will want to purchase from me: my books & my music. I'll feel like I have something worthwhile to leave behind for my future grandchildren. My first will be arriving early January. A girl. She will be living 1,500 miles away. However, social media will enable me to see what her mother will post on facebook... photos & videos. Maybe I will even be able to travel & meet her in person. Maybe, they will travel to see me...

My Life is Truly Full of Miracles!

It's been unBELIEVEABLE! I just wrote my 2nd book titled "LOVE, LIFE, AND GOD: Getting Past the Pain". So I am not going to write the whole book in this blog. It is currently getting proofread. Louise Hay Publishing company (I subscribe to their newsletters) notified me of a contest for non-fiction/memoirs. Your manuscript had to be more than 50,000 words. It was time to write my 2nd book so for 2 weeks straight, I worked on it, pulling in information I had posted in this blog, inserting content from numerous essays I had already written, and typed up lots of great stuff I had written in letters to my mother (which I retrieved during my last visit). I didn't know if I could get to 50,000 words, but I made it to 60,000 words!

A brief summary goes as follows:
December 2011, I realized I needed to get back on some estrogen. When I did, the never-ending hot flashes alternating with chills cleared up.

January 2012, my doctor convinced me to try a generic of Remeron, a completely different class of anti-depressant. In about 1-1/2 weeks, I began to pull out of depression. It felt amazing to go from feeling detached and disconnected to remembering who I was and then some.

February 2012, I was still physically weak and emotionally challenged. My son was to get married on March 25 ... out in California ... and I just didn't think I could make the trip (on AMTRAK). I declared to GOD, that "IF YOU WANT ME TO GO, SEND SOMEONE TO HELP ME AND GIVE ME A REASON TO COME BACK!" Just after I made this declaration, I met a man at HEB who was looking for an available cashier just like I was. Because he just happened to comment that the lines were as bad as being stuck on the Mopac and the 35, I swung around to say "You were in Austin!" Yes he was. When I asked if he was working there, he replied yes he was. When I asked WHERE, he replied "a recording studio". To make a whole book's worth short, he ended up coming to the house, and listening to a couple of my songs. I got stronger and excited about getting all of them recorded. I even started to write new songs. He has truly been a gift in my life, and it is turning out that I have been a gift in his. I was able to get stronger physically, emotionally, and mentally, I was able to go to my son's wedding, and I had a LOT of reasons to come back! I even found a new chiropractor who has done wonders for this poor back of mine!

May 2012, I moved out of the HEB house and into my own awesome apartment. The lady who moved out of it didn't need any of her furnishings except her bedroom stuff. I bought everything (including shower curtains, wall decs, dish set) for under $300!!!!

Now, in addition to completing my 2nd book, I have begun recording my songs. This man is giving his all in helping me learn about the process, coaching me every step of the way. I have been posting my progress on my personal facebook page. So go take a peek!!!! I am simply blown away and in awe at all that has been happening in my life! I will be creating a webpage and getting 3 songs professionally recorded to upload as MP3's. On October 13, I will be giving my first solo public performance in front of a large crowd. (I met someone else at HEB who suggested I volunteer at the Chamber of Commerce office which is how I ended up getting on the list of entertainment for the Herb Fest).

In July 2010, I did stop all the meds cold turkey... and after the withdrawal, I "woke up" and received life instructions from GOD ... and that HE/SHE did not give me talents to keep in a box. Then I ended up in a BLACK HOLE when the euphoria wore off ... depressed & disconnected. I abandoned all my projects and gave up. I had no idea that I would be sent someone (yes, GOD sent me someone) to get me back on that track again. So you can see ... I have been walking around with a silly grin on my face because DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!! I've been through hell and back ... all that just for a book? Oh, well!

Blessed be ... this will probably be my last post on this blog for awhile. You'll have to look at my facebook page for updates ... and I will have links on it to my other pages as well.

Missing In Action

I've been gone for a while.... missing in action.

The hottest heatwave arrived in Texas (and most everywhere) this last July. I felt helpless the night the roof a/c of the motor home groaned to a halt at 10pm. The week before, I visited a 70-year-old lady on one of her good days, who had a very severe case of FMS. At 2am the night the a/c died, she texted me that I could come over to her house if I had trouble with my a/c. I thought maybe she was psychic. The following morning, a window a/c was propped up into the window by the dinette, and I prayed it would work sufficiently. By 11am, the temperature had climbed to 90 inside and I had to get out of there. I drove to that lady's house that day and every day for the next 2 months, returning to home base around 8:30pm. Most nights it was still 90 when I got home. I was relieved that the 2 kittens had gone back to the farm to live (couldn't sleep with their night activity in small quarters).

On the upside, I had an air-conditioned place to hang out during the day while temperatures soared over 100 degrees. On the downside, the lady was sick and in pain all but two of those days. She hibernated in her bedroom and swallowed numerous pills of every kind to deal with her afflictions. I became terrified of ending up like her by the time I was 70. On top of that, I had nothing to do while I was there except lay down on her sofa (for comfort), read, or watch her large screen TV. I got very little exercise or human interaction.

As the days went by, I sunk deeper and deeper into what I learned is 'THE BLACK HOLE.' Read any information about anxiety and depression... I had most of the symptoms. As each day went by, I dreaded returning to that house. I also began to dread going back to the motor home. Her husband (15 years younger than her and a disabled vet who hibernated in HIS room) asked if I would be interested in moving in with them. I politely declined, horrified of what my life would be like if I did.

I desperately wanted to pack what would fit in my car and return to California... stay with my older sister or my mother. Their doors are closed due to difficult transitional situations they are both dealing with. In my despair, I detached from them and grieved about not having a home to go back to.

In September, I started searching diligently for other possible living situations, browsing craigslist. The motor home was fun for a while. I had survived the winter wearing sweaters, hats, scarves & gloves to bed because my 'house' wasn't insulated. Even with electric heaters running, it was COLD. I kicked myself for trading in my paid-for van for a newer car with a 6-year commitment of payments. In this part of Texas, I could have afforded a decent apartment without them (car payments). I was isolated where I was living, gas prices were up and it was 20 miles round trip to anywhere (except her house). I checked out one nice house to see if I could rent a room, but it, too, was in an isolated area.

On craigslist, a post from a disabled woman looking to rent a room caught my eye. Didn't have a room for her... yet. I also looked down at my checkbook and declared I needed a new place to live SOON before I had to reorder checks. Within 24 hours I learned that one of the landlord's houses had been vacated and would be available for rent... the one in town next to the grocery store. I had been in it a year before and wondered at that time if I'd ever live in it.

I contacted the woman via craigslist (email) and told her about the house. When I went to look at it, I was horrified by its condition. I bolted back to the motor home in a major tizzy. Summer was not over and neither was the heatwave. The only thing going for this house was recently installed central heat/air and weatherized windows/doors. It was old. It was filthy. Supporting boards under it were broken so the floors were wavy and tiles were cracked. Inside must have had 15 coats of paint and was about to get another one. The bathroom was unfinished. The landlord told me I could live there rent-free (pay for the utilities) while I cleaned it up and painted it. ME?

I slept on the floor on a mat in the midst of 'construction' because it was air-conditioned... unless I went to that other lady's house again. I endured many anxiety attacks which continued long after he finally agreed to do most of the cleaning/painting. Linda (from craigslist) arrived a week early, before her room could be painted. She was relieved to have a place to go. While she is perfectly OK with the condition of this house (she had endured worse), I had to try really hard to focus on what was good about living here... including no lease and no security deposit which freed both Linda and I to transfer to places we were on waiting lists for. I ended up moving most of my belongings one carload at a time, making about one trip a week. I discovered that the motor home was infested with mice, who chewed up some shoes and other belongings. Once the kittens were gone, I guess they felt safe enough to move in.

In an attempt to be positive, I declared this place to be a half-way house... half way between where I was living before and where I would live next. My brother, Jon, passed away the day after Thanksgiving which gave me a real reason to grieve. Then two weeks ago, I received a call from a 55+ Active Senior Apartments I looked into last July which I heard about from a lady who arranged day trips for seniors. I was told a new complex was being completed and they wanted to know if I'd be interested in applying for it. I drove out there with a friend to see it, and filled out the application... I'd have to start all over again in a new city but I finally feel like I have something to hope for again.... I'm on the waiting list...

Meanwhile, if I have anything going for me, it is a streak of stubbornness. If I couldn't get counseling, I would have to study up and learn how to get myself out of the rut of depression I fell into. I am also learning that certain people are prone to depression (like me) and I have to learn to spot the warning signs.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is supposed to help people deal with Arthritis and other chronic afflictions, which are often complicated by depression (feeling powerless), but I don't have the kind of insurance that pays for it. I managed to get to the library and started reading up on depression, depression self-help, psychology, Yoga, etc. Although one of the many counselors I sought out only took cash patients, he loaned me a couple of books I could read. I started back on Premarin (estrogen) which stopped the never-ending waves of hot flashes that plagued me all night long as well as the day time. I also started up on 1/2 of the smallest available dose of an antidepressant called Remeron (its generic). I've been on it a week with no side effects.... and maybe it's working.

I've been reading 'Yoga and the Quest for the True Self' by Stephen Cope most of today. Interestingly, COPE is what this book is helping me to do.

Today, in the midst of thunderstorms (literally), muscle contractions and pain (I tried to go without the TENS for most of the day), I felt a sense of hope again. So I climbed into this blog, which I haven't touched since June and created this post. I've already moved 42 times ... maybe I'll start packing now for the next one.

I got through today, I can get through tomorrow.

The Naft, Meditation, Gratitude, & Affirmations

Today is one of my best days. I have woken up many a morning with sensations of anxiety in my body. I don't know if it is from 'fasting' all night, a general fear of coping with a new day, or both. I focussed on my breath and silently 'chanted' words that calm me down such as peace, love, strength, health, confidence. I believe that when the level of endorphins in a person's brain is higher, that person can cope with pain, illness, and other life challenges better. The problem with the anti-depressants I've tried is their side effects.

There are so many techniques available on the internet for altering your brain waves through sound, meditation, exercise, etc. Perhaps it's a good thing I don't have the funds to purchase all the different material that is out there with the obsession of trying to feel better. Although, I often get a nice buzz just after a chiropractic adjustment. Seems like instead of sleeping 1/2 the day away, I am meditating 1/2 the day (and night) away.

I found Science of Mind affirmations (Ernest Holmes), Louise Hay affirmations and free YouTube meditations. Since I don't have a medication to pop to calm the sensation, (except Ativan for an emergency), I need to try new things. I just posted a bunch of meditations I found.

Last week I learned more about what is called the 'naft'... another name for the voice of my hurt inner child. This child has issues with not getting the attention she felt she should have had when she got sick or was in pain... and works herself up with fear. This 'naft' is what takes over in my mind when, as an adult, the attention & nurturing I desire does not show up when I feel that I need it. Living alone doesn't help.

I'm not consistent with doing the Reiki on myself and I wanted to find options for those who are not familiar with it, along with additional 'tools' for my personal wellness toolbox. The common denominator I found is that practicing meditation affirms that we are more than just a physical body. For some of you, this meditation is prayer. In the meditations I looked at there is mention of getting past the mind (ego), to connect to what the various faiths refer to as Source, The Divine, God, etc.

I sincerely hope that I can discipline myself to do these things on a daily basis without the structure of a group. I don't ever want to experience the complete detachment from God & myself that I experienced in April again.