Friday, May 6, 2011

MESSAGE OF HOPE

I got sick again... detached... accepted SSRI's again which made me sicker... got so weak I could barely stand & get to the bathroom... I live alone... lost all my hope... weeks went by... hopelessness felt more intense... people prayed for me while I felt alone & desolute. I was finally able to reconnect with the group at Temple of Ancient Wisdom (was picked up and driven) where I heard people talk about how a simple reaction of anger or other upsetting situation triggered major illnesses in them. They couldn't recover until they dealt with their issues. My string of issues goes back to childhood... but they had them, too... My physical responses are always the same but I kept saying 'but I have proof' while they had the same symptoms with none of the 'proof''.

Questions were asked: What was going on before it started? What were you thinking? What were you feeling? I was so amazed by what I was hearing! I go through these cycles when I forget everything I learned and fall victim to my reaction to anxiety & stress. Light at the end of the tunnel? Can I really learn to allow life to happen without stressing out over every little thing? I had given up. I forget how far I've come. I have to somehow shift my focus off the diagnosed things, stop reading about them. I removed some of the sites from this blog.

If you are looking for a diagnoses, a doctor will somehow find one to validate you. This was SOOO difficult for me to accept. Dr. May (chiropractor) told me he stopped taking x-rays after seeing people with perfect spines having lots of problems and people with messed up ones have none. It got him thinking.... The people in the support group did not have the same diagnosis as I did to 'validate' how they felt and were forced to deal with their emotional, mental, & spiritual responses. WAKE UP CALL. Here I was getting caught up in trying to fix myself physically when there were so many other layers of everything affecting my health. When I was a child, my anxiety was 'fixed' with bella donna & so many other children are being medicated for the wrong reasons. It breaks my heart.
I need more than prayer. I need more than church. I need a complete life-style adjustment. Can I be transformed? Will serious meditation bring harmony to my physical body? I got myself back to Dr. May last week and despite how horrible I felt, he did his kinesiology tests on me and my glands were strong? Just from meditating? My new teachers tell me that 'diagnosis' just lets you know that something is out of harmony and seek to balance what is emotionally, mentally, & spiritual vs. medicate.......... and my body will no longer tolerate medication......... I get information overload trying to digest so much info.... grasping for anything to help me feel better, feeling discouraged when I see something like drink 48 ou. of fresh juiced organic vegetables a day.... you kidding me? All the info resulted in my obsessing about my body even more than before.....
I wonder what it is like for people who go to India (or other holy place).  

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