Pain: Sensations vs. Danger

As I notice numerous sensations traveling through my lower body, I acknowledge they are only sensations... the pain, burning, tingling, numbness in my glutes, legs, and feet are not dangerous... just uncomfortable.

When I think of danger, my fight or flight response kicks in... and this could lead to danger as blood pressure goes up and adrenaline kicks in. With an adrenaline rush, I don't necessarily make good decisions. (Nobody does.)

It would be so nice if I can really convince myself I am not in danger. I am doing a lot better job of it these days... controlling anxious thoughts and reactions. However, my fight or flight kicks in (White Coat Fever) every time I go see an allopathic doctor ... terrorized by memories of what they might decide to do with me. I do not experience this when I see a chiropractor or my holistic nutritionist. With them, I feel calm and safe. How can I get to feeling safe with allopathic?

What part of it all could be dangerous, I wonder?

I am wiser and more informed... so I have more knowledge to base decisions on instead of allowing procedures to be done to me or pharmaceuticals to be prescribed without knowing the whole picture... the risks vs. benefits. The trouble is, I have seen when children are taken away from parents who decline allopathic treatment and seek out holistic treatment instead. Just knowing this is happening... that those parents are not given choices... I don't feel safe that I will always be able to make my own choices.

I suppose danger would be a matter of perception... what I tell myself the discomfort means. I've fallen into the black hole of depression before... not a safe place to be. And this is in my medical records. Also what is in my medical records is my refusal to take antidepressants again.

I am clumsy on my feet and fall over like a toddler who has just learned to walk... so I use a walker. The danger here is that I could hurt myself when I fall... which I have done on numerous occasions. There are places I go without using the said walker.

Two weeks ago, my ears perked up when Annie (a new acquaintance) told me about compounding creams she is prescribed for her back pain. I had not heard of them before. This led to me finding out the doctor she sees (pain management) who comes to my town every Tuesday.

I avoid going to my GP as long as possible while getting chiropractic and holistic care (which she is not exactly in favor of). In order to get a referral to someone new, I had to go. First, since the last MRIs were taken 11 years ago, she wanted me to get new ones. Then she referred me to Annie's doctor at Capitol Pain Institute.

I go to doctors prepared... with type-written reports. After all, doctors, in general, only have 15 minutes at the most to evaluate your situation and make recommendations. (Maybe this is why I have adrenaline rushes? There is so much to do in just 15 minutes!) I had typed up a report for my GP and a separate one for Dr. Desai. (I got 15 minutes with the GP and 30 minutes first visit with Dr. Desai.)

Just like it takes me weeks-months to work on a speech for Toastmasters, it takes me weeks-months to write this report. You should try this sometime. I have revised these reports numerous times... and worry that I will miss noting an important detail. In reality, the physician is going to speed-read it and not pay attention to each and every detail.

Capitol Pain Institute has intake forms you download ahead of time to fill out. Half of page 2 was an extensive summary of all the dangers and side effects of pharmaceutical drugs... including ones I had been prescribed in the past. I felt relieved to know they cared and were aware. I also noted they are INTEGRATIVE which is different than past experiences. I am hopeful.

I now wait to receive: compounding cream (was told it would be mailed to me), a new back brace (the one I purchased on Amazon is not suitable), and the results of the new MRIs. I also have to get new x-rays for flexion and extension.

Information, I tell myself. It is just for information. Don't make up stories and meanings about what these images will show or what they might want to do to you.

The only thing that is broken is pars connection to L5.

As many times as I have fallen or have been in car accidents, none of my body parts have ever fractured. And I'm still here. Yes, the other thing I tell myself often is there must BE a reason I am still here. I must have PURPOSE.