Monday, June 27, 2011

The Naft, Meditation, Gratitude, & Affirmations

Today is one of my best days. I have woken up many a morning with sensations of anxiety in my body. I don't know if it is from 'fasting' all night, a general fear of coping with a new day, or both. I focussed on my breath and silently 'chanted' words that calm me down such as peace, love, strength, health, confidence. I believe that when the level of endorphins in a person's brain is higher, that person can cope with pain, illness, and other life challenges better. The problem with the anti-depressants I've tried is their side effects.

There are so many techniques available on the internet for altering your brain waves through sound, meditation, exercise, etc. Perhaps it's a good thing I don't have the funds to purchase all the different material that is out there with the obsession of trying to feel better. Although, I often get a nice buzz just after a chiropractic adjustment. Seems like instead of sleeping 1/2 the day away, I am meditating 1/2 the day (and night) away.

I found Science of Mind affirmations (Ernest Holmes), Louise Hay affirmations and free YouTube meditations. Since I don't have a medication to pop to calm the sensation, (except Ativan for an emergency), I need to try new things. I just posted a bunch of meditations I found.

Last week I learned more about what is called the 'naft'... another name for the voice of my hurt inner child. This child has issues with not getting the attention she felt she should have had when she got sick or was in pain... and works herself up with fear. This 'naft' is what takes over in my mind when, as an adult, the attention & nurturing I desire does not show up when I feel that I need it. Living alone doesn't help.

I'm not consistent with doing the Reiki on myself and I wanted to find options for those who are not familiar with it, along with additional 'tools' for my personal wellness toolbox. The common denominator I found is that practicing meditation affirms that we are more than just a physical body. For some of you, this meditation is prayer. In the meditations I looked at there is mention of getting past the mind (ego), to connect to what the various faiths refer to as Source, The Divine, God, etc.

I sincerely hope that I can discipline myself to do these things on a daily basis without the structure of a group. I don't ever want to experience the complete detachment from God & myself that I experienced in April again.

Monday, June 13, 2011


     I saw this little story on facebook and reposted it again: "
"There's an old Cherokee legend of a grandfather teaching his grandson about life. The grandfather tells the child that in all of us there are two wolves. One wolf is filled with hatred, sadness, and anger. The other is filled with love, joy, and happiness. The wolves are in constant battle with each other. The grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The grandfather replies, "The one you feed."
     :-|    OK, I get it! I am feeding the wrong wolf again! Just as I started to feel better, I threw meat to the bad wolf and I got sucked back into my old pattern of thinking, which is probably why my health has been going down the tubes and I lost motivation to write. After reading that one, I went 'googling' again.
     I decided to see what Louise Hay's view on Fibromyalgia was. This is what showed up in her FAQ's:
     "Q: Your little blue book Heal Your Body hasn’t been updated since 1988 and I have conditions I am looking for that aren’t listed, such as fibromyalgia."
     Answer: "Over the years I’ve learned that there are really just two mental patterns that contribute to disease: Fear and Anger. Anger can show up as impatience, irritation, frustration, criticism, resentment, jealousy or bitterness. These are all thoughts that poison the body. When we release this burden, all the organs in our body begin to function properly.
     Fear could be tension, anxiety, nervousness, worry, doubt, feeling not good enough or unworthiness. Do you relate to any of this? We must learn to substitute faith for fear if we’re to heal. Faith in what? Faith in Life! I believe we live in a "Yes" Universe. No matter what we choose to believe or think or say, the Universe always says "yes" to us. If we think poverty, the Universe says "yes" to that. If we think prosperity, the Universe say "yes" to that. It's up to us! The Universe wants us to experience anything we desire. So let's say "yes" to all good. Be a "yes" person, living in a "yes" world being responded to by a "yes" Universe.
     If you find yourself with some sort of diseases that is not listed in Heal Your Body, become your own investigator and healer. Ask yourself, is it one of the forms of fear or is it one of the forms of anger? Are you willing to release those thoughts. And replace them with positive affirmations? Loving yourself will also contribute greatly to healing your body for love heals.
     So how do you love yourself? First of all and most importantly: Cease all criticism of yourself and others. Accept yourself as you are. Praise yourself as much as you can. Criticism breaks down the inner spirit, praise builds it up. Look into a mirror often and simply say: I LOVE YOU, I REALLY LOVE YOU. It may be difficult at first, but keep practicing and soon you will mean and feel what you say. Love yourself as much as you can and all of life will mirror this love back to you.
     P.S. Fibromyalgia is fear showing up as extreme tension due to stress.
My book I Can Do It will give you lots of affirmations to get you started until you learn to create your own."

     Do I relate to any of the words she listed under anger and fear? Yeh, I do. I've been told that I need to be patient, that I am frustrated, that I am too hard on myself, I already wrote about the coveting which leads to resentment & jealousy that other people are more physically able than I am and have better living spaces than I do. And I relate to feeling poisened. And fear? This includes the kitchen soup mix of tension, anxiety, nervousness, worry, doubt, and unworthiness... which had it's way with me in sliding back into depression. If I was truly chemically depressed, I don't think I would get moments of inspiration when I come upon something like this. I also feel hopeful because it was a Louise Hay tape I played over and over again over 15 years ago that got me over an initial hurtle of illness.
     I am looking at the big monster face to face. I feel temporarily relieved that it has shown itself in black and white. It's back to the drawing board of learning to shift my consciousness from what I learned in childhood. It's the monster that came to reclaim my life again after a relationship breakup was followed by a whole string of mishaps.
     I am also baring my soul to the public and hope that I don't end up trying to eat my words.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Today, I Googled 'finding happiness while in chronic pain.' I can't believe I actually got the following blog by Sue Falkner-Wood. I would like to know more about how she manages to stay positive.

She even wrote up an amusing account about whining, which helped me put some things into perspective and gave me a little smile.

Maybe I can learn to stop whining. What shall my new vocabulary be? In her blog, someone posted a reference to another blog on Fibromyalgia:

I know I said I would stop reading about the afflictions, but for the last few days, the muscle cramps all over my body have been really intense, and I wanted a dose of encouragement. I also gave up my resolve not to use any medication and started taking the muscle relaxer, Flexeril, again. The SSRI's made me really sick... so far with the Flexeril (along with the TENS), I've gotten a bit of relief. I got to sleep through the night for the 1st time since ??? Since Flexeril supposedly has a similar effect as a tricyclic antidepressant, my mood feels more tolerable to me. The downside is that I do feel a few unpleasant side effects and would prefer not to depend on meds.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Working on My Emotions

I continue to do research on the spiritual and emotional connections to illness and pain, and cling to the possibility that I can transform years of believing I could not heal to believing I CAN heal. This is no simple task. Believing in the possibility is my first step.

How was it that certain people can heal themselves of something as deadly as cancer? I now know personally two people who have. I used to believe I couldn't be healed of my afflictions (Dad died having his), yet I am well aware of many emotional issues that are still creating havoc for me (such as fear and anger turned inward).

Part of my journey is learning to be patient for the healing process while holding onto the expectation that the healing will come. Cuts and bruises heal by themselves. Emotional pain is so much more complex. I've met more people with deep emotional wounds and try to put my own wounds into perspective. A wound is a wound.

What makes them able to live 'normal' lives while I find it so hard to? At least I am shifting from self-pity to a sense of possibility of something different... like little ways to become empowered.

Yesterday, I decided to find a way to release some anger. Nice people don't get angry. Spiritual people don't get angry... they forgive... but the anger was still feeling like a dead weight inside of me... and seemed to hit me across the back of my waist in the form of a muscle spasm.

I once gave a pillow to my son to take out his frustrations on so he wouldn't attack me. How many years has it been since I allowed myself a little release?

I haven't been able to exercise, walk fast or run for many years and have often felt like a penned up racehorse of negative emotions. I took a long piece of foam tubing used to insulate pipes and starting to hit the side of my shelves with it... 'I'm angry at .....!' was soon followed by a short bout of tears. I don't remember when I last cried. And then I watched the anger I had about that situation evaporate and felt better. I don't have the means for all the extensive therapy that may or may not help me... I have to learn how to do it for myself... and because I decided I wanted to get better.  

I seek, I investigate, I look for answers anywhere I may find them... in books, psychology, various religions, and talking to other people. I acknowledge that I am obsessed with getting well (a switch from being obsessed with being sick and in pain)... and accepting where I am today as a result of the choices I made. I also have to go further than this and trust that God will bring me something new and improved at the right time.

I am putting myself out on a limb by sharing this journey with you because I want to prove to myself and to you that healing can really happen. I am told that I have been able to experience feeling great for a few months... and that it will happen again. I have decided to be thankful for the place I live and make it a sanctuary instead of a prison. I must find peace in the battleground of my mind.

Today, I found the following three web pages on the emotional connections of illness... both Christian and non-Christian viewpoints along with more information on EFT. These are the sites:

If you are reading this blog and know of other helpful sites to recommend, please let me know.

I haven't had a cold or the flu in years... is this just because I truly believe that I don't get them? I have stated that I don't numerous times... can I truly believe I "don't" get muscle spasms?