Thursday, March 31, 2011


Yesterday, the flame on my physical, emotional, mental & spiritual candle burned out. I had no energy, my body began to hurt all over, my muscles tensed, and I fell back into the old pattern of feeling helpless and ashamed of the things I'd done when I was young, along with silent internal rage for having done them. When I get like this, I begin to wonder whether God really exists which is the absolutely the worst state of mind to be in. I got myself to my chiropractor to get neurologically reconnected, then went home to bed. I turned on K-LOVE radio (positive and encouraging) to drown out the self-sabataging inner voices, curled up into the fetal position (to feel safe), wrapped my arms around me (to feel held), and listened to the words on the radio. Since my head and my arms hurt, too, I couldn't hold a book or read inspiring words. I stayed in bed drifting in and out of sleep for about 12 hours, only rising to empty my bladder, or to write something that emerged from my inner voice. Words from the songs made their way into my core such as "if you fall again get back up" and "my sins are gone without a trace". I remembered that although the world may chew me up and spit me out, that God picks me up, brushes me off, and sends me gently back out into the world to try again. I was able to get reconnected. The following day, I came across a Video on YouTube called "A Message of Hope" and "Kim C. Lenard’s Journey" to feed my soul with and added the links to this site. Based on "A Message of Hope", I had connected to the despair of the planet and helped it to reconnect again. I have a tendency to take on the despairs of the world. Can I learn to recognize when I do, meditate love, and release that love back into the Universe?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life..."

It's been five months since I've stopped taking meds. I thought I was cured. When you take SSRI's & other meds for 15 years, they can have the same affects on you as doing hard drugs. I started falling apart. This is my story in prose
In July 2010, I cried out to GOD "PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!"
No more pain! No more medication! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
I heard a voice in my head say go to the WELLS Laundramat.
This was not one of the hundreds of voices I hear in my head.
I went. Rafi was there and spoke to my heart so I did what she said.
She saw straight through my soul, said I was asleep, it was time to “WAKE UP”.
I wondered what she meant but I had reached the end of my rope and had enough!
I went to her house and she prepared me for what would come
She loaned me “Nine Faces of Christ” to read alone in my room til the process was done.
I read about a fictional Christ who endured endless trials of all kinds.
He kept me company while I endured the withdrawal and thought I would lose my mind.
All those trials prepared him for the Crucifixion and the final rush…
On the seventh day, I felt crucified and got zapped by GOD with a gush.
My brain chemistry shifted. Suddenly, I felt free.
Free of pain, free of anguish; I was energetic, strong and could clearly see.
The earth became my stomping ground after years of staying in bed.
I went out to discover all the people and hear what they said.
I pulled “Appearances” and my poetry out of their boxes,
New books started writing themselves while I detoxes.
I met musicians who played along with songs I’d been writing
And more angels appeared to show me how to make my life exciting.

But God wasn’t finished with me… two months later it all left.
All the sabotaging voices returned to mess up my head.
In “Questions” I had written “I am a seeker, a seeker of truth”
I searched endlessly for every piece of good news.
I began to struggle with money, and every trauma and fear returned.
I got amnesia, I crashed, and couldn’t remember anything I’d learned.
Religious confusion from many sources swarmed in my mind
I searched in all the wrong places (again) for peace I could not find.
I kept meeting more people who each said something I needed to hear
Seemed like post office parking lots were a favorite place for them to appear.
I met doctors of Natural Medicine who suggested alternatives to drugs,
Found out about vitamin deficiencies and started working out the bugs.
I met people who studied biology, psychology, philosophy, and believed in the Lord.
My racing mind tried to process every piece of information - I wasn’t bored.
One person said to reread “Appearances” the book I wrote when I was forty years old…
That the answers were in what I had already written... in the story I already told.
I went to talk to that person again another day searching for more.
He said “you still have a VOID” and I mentally fell through the floor.
I studied "Appearances" and reread all my poems.
I had detached from my soul which is why I had no memory of what I was shown.
I was trying hard to control my own life,
I had gone back to the old patterns of creating my own strife.
I called my soul back and within days of realizing this simple cure
More "angels?" began arriving to usher me through a new door.
A little unexpected money began to appear…
And a Jewish man called upon his Rabbi to declare my worth in a prayer.
It was the second time I was told to read about trusting God in Matthew 6:25-34
I used to know this all so many years ago and more!
Next a woman who majored in Psychology thought I had fractured from all life’s traumas--
If so, no wonder I was experiencing so many drama’s!
Include the traumas I had empathetically collected from my family and peers.
No wonder I was feeling so totally weird!
The next day a Christian woman told me I had taken on the burdens of all the ones I loved…
But Jesus died on the cross for us and it wasn’t my job!
She then said while I had been working frantically to pull all the weeds of despair
I left all the roots to grow back while I cried life wasn’t fair!
She suggested I read: Matthew 6:25-34
and put all my trust in the Lord!
I wish to encapsulate these solutions in a pill I can take
with all the other vitamins I’ve been given to swallow each day.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I am choosing, for now, to live without medication. I have come a very long way in recovering from being sedated for (15?) years, and now I have trouble going to sleep due to pain, discomfort, and a racing mind (no more drugs to sedate me). If I do succeed in falling asleep, my bladder wakes me up and once up, my mind goes off to the races again (a symptom of withdrawal from anti-depressants).

One night recently, I thought about Genesis and how we were created from dust. I thought about what it would have been like for God to breathe life into me and felt my lungs fill with air. Each time I exhaled I released tension in my body. I felt really peaceful doing this and slipped right into sleep. Then I took it a step further. I inhaled the strength of God and exhaled weakness, inhaled the unlimited power of God and exhaled helplessness, and I inhaled health and exhaled illness. If my mind is going to be filled with thoughts, better it be these. I eventually fell asleep.