Sunday, November 23, 2014

Two Things I Learned About Love

Don't fall in love too fast: I have been reading about false attractions and why men disappear. When we first meet an interesting person, our brains respond to magnetic attraction by releasing chemicals that blind us to reality. Here I thought after all these years that I was stupid for falling for so many wrong guys, but now at least I know I have a normal brain. Your brain lies to you about everything once the love chemicals are triggered, so it is essential that you wait for the euphoria to subside before you decide whether the person you are with is a keeper. For men, this euphoria usually lasts for about 90 days. Suddenly it wears off and he can't remember why he was so attracted to you so he disappears. It is best not to respond to chemistry and take your clothes off for at least 90 days until the chemicals return to normal. I also learned that it is important for you to become the best person you can be on your own (self-love) and have an interesting fulfilling life outside of relationships so you don't become needy or boring, and that a man will respect a woman more if she takes care of herself. It is impossible for a man to provide a woman with everything she needs so if he thinks he can't give you what you need, he will withdraw or disappear. I also learned to make a man prove he is worthy of being your boyfriend before you decide he is. And compliment him on all the things he does right vs. complain about what he does wrong (you're supposed to do this with your children, too). I even learned that by hanging on a guy's every text and waiting for him to call and cancelling plans with friends to meet up with him, you actually energetically repel him. Do as many pleasurable things as you can for yourself (dance, sing, and party) and don't hang on whether he will text or call. And do everything in your power NOT to fantasize about the possibility of him being your Prince just after you meet him. I laugh at this one because I used to do this all the time.

Nerds & Free Spirits: I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class where I learned about Nerds & Free Spirits, and how opposites have notoriously attracted each other. The Nerd keeps track of every penny spent and budgets money, while the Free Spirit has no concept of money and as long as there are checks in the checkbook or credit line on a credit card will spend on whatever they decide to spend it on. In relationships and marriages this often proves disastrous. I know for sure my Mom was a Nerd and my father was a Free Spirit. Money was a major source of stress in my family as my father was always buying new things that we could not afford. And I am a Nerd and most of my relationships have been with Free Spirits. At least now I understand why they did what they did without a clue of the consequence. The good news is that if you have survived in one of these relationships for this long, you can still learn to work together and compromise by taking Dave's course together.

Now that I've learned about these two dynamics of love, I no longer beat myself up for all the relationships including marriages that didn't work out. I just didn't know any better. They didn't either. It was more than just growing up in a dysfunctional family environment with parents who didn't know any better. Regardless who your relationships are with (friends, siblings, partners), there is always something new to learn about connecting at a deeper level. First, become aware. Then make a choice. Based on all that I've been reading about EVERYTHING, there is always something else to learn.

What are the most important things you've learned about love? Did this article give you ideas on how you might improve your relationships? How has this post inspired you? Please post your comments below.

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